This episode… I don’t even know what to say (not that that’s ever stopped me in the past.) Thankfully, you all had tons to say about it, as the comments section of the minicap proves. I can’t wait to get the ‘Gasmii’s take on the full recap! I wonder if my doctor would write me a prescription for Valium if I explained my recapping duties to her, because these people are starting to stress me out.
A recapper’s best friend.
Previously on Jersey Shore: Daddy Danny gave the roommates a verbal spanking about being slackers and threatened them with new roommates; Mike’s and Pauly’s surprise party was a great success; Vinny was kidnapped back from his mom’s house to the shore house, and there was much rejoicing.
“I got my boyfriend back!” Pauly squees, “I get the smush room!” Don’t you remember what happened the last time you used the smush room, Pauly? Besides, as JMomm points out, you and Vinny already share a bedroom.
They arrive back home, and Deena is wearing those ridiculous fairy wings upside down. I do not understand anything this girl does, all I know is that she makes me sad. Vinny is unpacking in his room, and Deena stands there hugging a very green stuffed animal listening to Pauly catch Vinny up on everything that’s happened while he was gone. Pauly says that Mike has been acting abnormally nice, and Vinny replies, “I don’t like that. I like him as a douche better.” “Exactly, cos it’s real,” says Pauly. It’s funny because it’s true!
Now that Vinny’s home, what should they do to celebrate? Rather than choosing a night of Parcheesi in front of the fireplace, our intrepid booze-hounds decide to break with tradition and go to Karma. Cue the getting-gussied-up-tage. Ronnie irons his jeans, you guys! That is adorable! Mike calls for a taxi, and is told that it will be at least forty-five minutes before they can get there. Don’t they usually walk to Karma? I’m confused.
JMomm calls Paul Bunyan and gets his voice mail. She interviews that she feels like she hasn’t seen as much of him as she should now that she’s back at the shore, and is wondering if something’s up.
Quick, somebody send her a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You!
In the living room, waiting for their cab, Mike says that he wants to get some new tattoos on his forearms; “Loyalty” on one arm and “Betrayal” on the other. Why? “So you always remember who had your back and who didn’t,” he says. Somebody’s been feeling neglected because Vinny’s been getting all the attention.
Right there with ya, Ron-Ron.
“Mike knows nothing about loyalty and everything about betrayal,” Ronnie interviews. “Mike should get a tattoo that says “Betrayal” and “Betrayal.” Amen to that. I just watched an episode from season one where Mike is trying to create drama in Sammi and Ronnie’s budding relationship because he still thinks he has a chance of getting in Sammi’s pants. That dude has been slimy from the word go.
The cab finally arrives. How amazing would it be if they were picked up in a Cash Cab? They would probably get booted on the first corner, but they might make it all the way to their destination with tons of drinkin’ money in some bizarre Slumdog Millionaire scenario. Either way, it would be fun to watch. But enough about my TV cross-over fantasies.
They get to Karma, and Mike wanders off on his own like he usually does when everybody goes out together. Pauly’s grin is even bigger and shinier than usual, he is so excited to have Vinny back. They make out with various girls throughout the club, as the rest of the roommates dance. And then, right there in the middle of the dance floor, Snooki’s bladder lets loose.
“Thank God nobody else saw,” Deena says in an interview. I can guarantee you that people noticed the puddle though, they just didn’t know at the time who the guilty party was. If someone slipped and fell and hurt themselves, I wonder if they can retroactively sue Snooki? I would, because I take slipping in other people’s bodily waste personally. I’m vindictive that way.
JMomm is appropriately horrified, and Snooki waddles her soggy-drawered self into the ladies’ room, where she cleans up by spraying herself all over with perfume. As one does.
So much for my hope that Mike & One Inch were the only ones who do this.
In an interview, Snooki says, “Honestly, I don’t care. If you spray perfume and take a ‘shore shower,’ that’s still considered a shower.” No. It. Isn’t. That’s why, when you go to any home improvement store of your choosing and ask to buy a shower, they will direct you to an aisle that contains plumbing equipment, and shower stalls, and shower heads, and possibly even refer you to a contractor or a plumber who specializes in installing showers. With water. They’re not going to point you in the direction of the nearest Perfumania.
“Don’t call me dirty, I’m not dirty!” Snooki continues. “I smell phenomenal.” Oh, Nicole. Let’s dissect this statement, shall we?
Phenomenal is an adjective used to describe something that is a phenomenon. Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word “phenomenon” includes the following: an exceptional, unusual, or abnormal person, thing, or occurrence. You will note that this definition is ambiguous as to whether a phenomenon is a good or bad thing; for the sake of our argument, we will allow that a phenomenon can be either. Here is an example of something that has a phenomenal smell.
Titan Arum flower
This flower, which is native only to the forests of Sumatra, Indonesia, can grow as quickly as a quarter of an inch per hour and has been known to reach heights of over 20 feet tall and weigh up to 70 pounds. It also releases a powerful odor that is frequently compared to the smell of rotting flesh. I am sure that we can all agree that the Titan Arum flower is exceptional, unusual, and abnormal, and therefore qualifies as “phenomenal.” From what we’ve heard about you, (read Elmstreet’s comments, #7 & #20 for more info) I bet you do smell phenomenally, Snooki. But I am not for one second going to assume that it is a good phenomenon.
After leaving Karma, everybody goes to bed (alone, possibly for the first time in the history of the show). Deena stops by Pauly and Vinny’s room and says, “Good night, Pauly, I love you. Now you say it back.” I swear, my two-year-old is more emotionally secure than Deena is. Pauly says it, and then it’s Vinny’s turn. “I love you Vin. Say it back.” Vinny won’t. No wonder he had a nervous breakdown, Deena and Mike are both emotional vampires, albeit in very different ways.
Snooki wakes up the next morning and not only did she not remove her pee-laden ensemble, girlfriend didn’t even bother to take off her shoes before passing out. How is it that she never seems hungover? It boggles the mind. Her goal is to discard her smelly undies before any of the other roommates catch her, an interesting concern considering that she personally told all of the girls about peeing in the club. She stuffs them in an empty plastic grocery bag and stuffs that into one of the garbage bags out on the back deck.
Deena is in the bathroom dealing with a faux-hair crisis. “My fused extensions got caught on my clip-on extensions and my hair is in a legit knot right now,” she complains. I have never used extensions and really don’t understand this whole thing, but on the Deena Scale of Unpleasant Life Experiences, this ranks approximately an 8.4 out of 10. She washes her clip-on extensions in the sink and then goes to plug in her hair dryer while her hand is still wet. We hear the bzzt-POP of an electrical surge as Deena gets a bit of a shock from the outlet. “What the hell? I’m fucking electrocuted!”
Electrocution / Not electrocution
“I cannot believe I just electrocuted myself.” That’s because you didn’t. Electrocution results in death, braintrust. It’s only a matter of time until she tries to dig a piece of bread out of a plugged-in toaster with a metal fork, and then we’ll see her in the Darwin Awards. She calls Sammi for help and asks, “If you get electrocuted, does that mean you get fucked up?” Well, do you define being dead as being fucked up? Because if you do, then the answer is yes. “Like, do you think my brain’s all crazy?” Deena clarifies, and Sammi is way too nice to point out that it’s not like Deena had that far to fall intellectually in the first place. Sammi points out that cops use Tasers on people all the time, so it probably doesn’t have any long-term mental effects, and Deena agrees with the logic of this until a new question leaps the chasms between her brain cells: “Is it the same electrical, though?” In Deena’s world, electronic electricity, “watts, or whatever they’re called,” lives in the walls, but who knows about the electricity that doesn’t live in the walls?! Electricity, man. Who knows what wackiness it’s going to get up to next?
The rest of the house is up, and they decide that they’re going to go to Jenks. “Are you going to get drunk today?” Snooki asks Mike, and he answers in the affirmative. “Promise?” she persists. She is awfully invested in how much other people drink. She says that they need to get Vinny drunk, and asks Mike if he hung out with Vinny at Karma the night before. “No, I ended up veering off somehow,” he answers.
Snooki interviews that everytime they go out as a group, Mike ends up separate from the rest of the group. “It’s like he doesn’t want to hang out with all of us,” she explains. I’m sure it’s everybody else’s fault but Mike’s, just ask him!
JMomm is calling Paul Bunyan again, and once again gets his voicemail. This is what we call a clue, Jenni. Please don’t be That Girl.
Snooki is double-layering her underwear for today’s excursion, because she really doesn’t want to pee herself again, especially in a thong. You know, I have had four kids, one of whom weighed 10 1/2 pounds at birth. I am no stranger to unexpected leakage of a urinary nature. Pee happens. But during those infrequent times when I am particularly prone to such incidents, (i.e., when I have an illness that causes severe coughing fits), I make little adjustments to my life so as not to embarrass myself and/or inconvenience others. Granny knickers, pantiliners, and remaining within 50 feet of a bathroom are all weapons in my arsenal against spritzing the world around me as if I were an elderly chihuahua. What I do not do is double layer my undergarments because guess what? Your standard issue underwear is not waterproof.
Up in the room that Mike shares with Sammi and Ronnie, the three of them are getting ready for their day out. Mike generously attacks Ronnie with body spray, but Ronnie says that he’s all set. “I gotta make sure my boys are smelling good,” Mike says. In the confessional room, Ronnie tells us that Mike’s been good lately. “But I just want to know, what’s he up to, and when’s he blowing up the house?” Ronnie might not be as dumb as he looks.
Inspector Ronnie is on the case!
“In Italy,” Mike tells Sam and Ronnie, “everybody hated me, and you know, I’m so nice now.” “It’s like, ‘What are you up to?” Ronnie responds. “When are you blowing up the house?”
The cast heads out to Jenkinson’s, and Deena singterviews, “Sunday fun day at Jenkinson’s!” as if she were Zooey Deschanel’s character in New Girl. The group goes out on the patio at Jenks, and someone hollers to Mike from down on the beach. “I’m actually a native to this area,” Mike interviews, “so I’m bound to run into a friend wherever I go.” Vinny interviews that everywhere they go, an entourage of guys shows up. “I don’t know if these are actually Mike’s friends or just randoms that he met at the club or pulled off the street,” Pauly tells us, and that’s a valid question.
“I’m gonna go piss,” Snooki says getting up from the table. Deena goes with her (you know how girls are) and on the way to the restroom, Snooki asks if they can go to the doctor if she pees blood. “No, tomorrow,” says Deena. If you are literally peeing blood, you go to the Emergency Room. What is wrong with these people that they don’t know that? After voiding her bacteria-laden bladder, Snooki says, “I’m not washing my hands.” “Yeah, I don’t ever do it,” Deena replies. No wonder Hoboken turned down Snooki’s reality show being filmed there “based on the negative impact it would have on the health, safety, and welfare” of the people who live there. AARGH!
Snooki has self-diagnosed a UTI which, she explains to those of us who weren’t aware, “doesn’t stand for ‘Ultimate Tanning Institute,’” but rather a urinary tract infection. She goes to the bar and orders tequila with salt, for her pain. “I’m a vet tech,” she reminds us, “and I know what to do when it comes to UTIs. Drinking is kinda like a pain killer, like anesthesia, so you don’t feel it.” She should have ordered vodka with cranberry juice and killed two birds with one stone. Also, alcohol metabolizes into sugar, which is exactly what all of those lovely bacteria causing the UTI thrive on. Science. “I have a fucking UTI and it hurts like balls,” she tells Deena.
So not funny.
Seven out of eight of the roommates want to go play at the batting cages and other activities that Jenkinson’s has to offer. Guess who the hold-out is?
Mike decides to stay at the bar, and everyone else hits the boardwalk. Looks like Jenkinson’s is a family-friendly establishment, as Snooki freaks out about all of the kids. Deena points out that at least they’re dressed “kinda well,” which in their case means nothing needs to be pixellated.
“It doesn’t make sense for us to leave and play baseball and walk around miserable,” Mike interviews, and we see him creeping on some girls while the rest of the roommates are having a great time at the batting cages. I wish Mike had gone to the batting cages with them, because then maybe he would have been hit by a ball in the balls, and that would have been hilarious. But I’m glad for the rest of the group that they got to enjoy their day out without Mike’s perpetual whining getting in the way of their fun. Snooki doesn’t like the balls being thrown at her, she just likes balls in her mouth. Every time I think she’s reached the apex of the TMI scale, she proves that there are even greater heights to be reached.
Everybody goes and collects Mike from the bar, and they get into two cabs to head back home. Snooki, Deena, and Mike are the only ones in their cab, which Snooki and Deena dub “the fun cab!” but that is short-lived. Mike immediately starts stirring the pot o’drama by telling Snooki and Deena that there are “certain people in the crib” who are talking shit behind his back. Snooki points out that Mike never hangs out with them when they go out, and Mike argues that he’s with them 24/7. There’s a lot of bleeping out of whatever Mike is saying, and I have neither the time nor the patience to decipher everything, but basically he feels like when he’s with people one-on-one, they’re cool, but when he’s with the group he gets left out. (Not that he sticks around the group long enough to ever give them a chance to exclude him, but why worry about the details.) Snooki very rationally tells Mike to call people out when they’re acting that way instead of allowing himself to be isolated. “I feel like the boys are plotting against me,” Mike interviews, “and I better get ready to defend myself.” If there is an organized plot against Mike, could somebody please shoot me the contact info so that I can get signed up? Thanks!
“I don’t know who’s talking shit,” he tells the girls, “but somebody is!” That somebody would be me, Michael. What, exactly, do you propose to do about it?
When they get back to the house, all of the bathrooms are immediately claimed, and Snooki has to go RIGHT NOW. She goes out to the back deck, squats under the staircase, and lets loose. It’s a fairly impressive puddle for such a small person. I’m working on potty-training my two-year-old right now, so this whole story line of pee everywhere is really striking a chord with me. Snooki drops her shorts over the spot where she peed since “they already smell like piss.” We had dogs who used to pee on our outside deck, and let me tell you, the only way to get rid of the smell is to replace the wood. Poor Danny, he is going to have to raze that house to the ground and start over from scratch after these hoodlums are finally done with it, because there’s just not enough Lysol in the world.
Mike is looking at his chest acne in the mirror. “Gym, Tan, I need some Clearasil,” he says. As he turns to come downstairs, the entire front of his shorts is pixellated out. Apparently Mike forgot to zip up when he finished in the bathroom, and L’il Mikey is making an appearance.
He, Snooki, and Deena go up to the Rooftop Patio of Unfortunate Events, and Mike thanks Snooki for having his back. “I’ve been nice as hell to everybody this year,” he bitches, and I don’t know who invented the technology that allows certain portions of the video to be blurred so that I don’t have to pour bleach into my eyes, but I will remain forever grateful to that person.
Thank you, anonymous benefactor to humanity.
Snooki quotes Mike to himself. “Remember? ‘I like being a villain.’ So why the fuck should we fucking trust you?” I never thought I would agree with Snooki so completely as I do right now, but she is 100% correct. Go Snooki! “Why does everybody gotta focus on Mike?” he responds. “Mike, Mike, Mike.” Because if they focus on anything else for longer than an eighth of a second, you do something ridiculous in order to bring their attention back to you.
JMomm wanders into the middle of the conversation, and immediately points out that Mike’s hanging brain. He disregards her completely, blathering on about his bold personality, and how there’s no reason to be mean to him, and how he tries to be nice to everybody, but the entire time, JMomm is fixated on the fact that Mike’s wiener is playing peek-a-boo with her.
The rest of the boys come up to the RPoUE. “Yo, I swear to God, that thing’s talking to me right now, bro,” says Vinny, pointing at Mike’s penis, and Mike hitches his pants up ineffectually without stopping his monologue. He gripes for a bit about Ronnie’s comment about blowing up the house, and then finally tucks Mike, Jr., away, saying that if he ever does anything that bothers them, just tell him about it. I’m thinking that would carry a lot more weight had he dealt with the peen-peekage when JMomm first brought it to his attention. In the minicap comments, Buffy posits that Mike knew his wang was out the entire time, and did it on purpose as some sort of passive-aggressive statement, and frankly, I can see that as a possibility. But why? WHY?!
Also, why are there so many different slang terms for penis? Pecker, peter, wang, peen, wiener, one-eyed monster, trouser snake, willy, thingy, John Thomas, dick, rod, johnson (Johnson?!)… the list goes on and on.
A properly zipped-up Mike goes into the house and finds Snooki in the confessional room. He tells her there’s nothing else he can do, he confronted everybody and they all said everything was cool. The two of them go out to the Sofaed Balcony of Solitude, and he moans about how fruitless his venting was. She asks him if he confronted Pauly directly, since in the car Mike told the girls that he felt Pauly was being especially two-faced towards him, and no, Mike didn’t want to single anybody out. “Say what you really feel, you idiot!” Snooki squeaks. Mike doesn’t want to accuse people, because he doesn’t know anything. It’s so much better to be vaguely aggressive towards the entire house, don’t you think?
“I’m either 100% nice or 100% mean,” he says. From what I’ve been told, Mike, the dark side has cookies, so I would go with 100% mean, but I’m pretty sure they’d kick your ass out because you are far too whiny to be a true supervillain.
There is no room for Mike amongst this august fellowship.
“We don’t trust you,” Snooki tells Mike, but since Mike is completely incapable of owning any of his past or present behaviour, he decides that “it’s time to be bad.” Snooki tries to get him to relax, but he’s gotten himself so worked up over the nothing that is going on that he’s not going to rest until… I really don’t know what he even wants to get out of this whole thing. It’s drama for drama’s sake. “Instead of the Situation, it’s the Confrontation,” he interviews. Can I punch him?
He goes downstairs and finds Pauly and Ronnie in the living room. Mike tells them that he’s trying to be super nice to everybody, and that if he does something that pisses them off to please tell him. “Where is this coming from?” Pauly asks, and Mike says he doesn’t know. Snooki and Deena are present for this part of the conversation, and Snooki interjects and encourages Mike to be honest. “I feel like one of you guys is mad at me for something, I don’t know what it is, maybe I’m crazy,” he says. Well, there is that.
Pauly interviews that Mike is drunk and overly emotional. Snooki goes up to the confessional room, where she says that they boy’s don’t really say anything. “They’re just like, ‘We’re gonna float around and pretend we like each other but we really don’t.’ Fucking SAY SOMETHING! It’s so fucking annoying!” When Snooki is being the voice of reason in the house, can the apocalypse be far behind?
Thankfully, Snooki quickly snaps out of her mature and rational phase, because she realizes that while all of the boys are upstairs it is the perfect opportunity to ambush them with the bunny suit. She and Deena get it out of the closet, and Deena interviews that she is going to “lure them in, and [Snooki’s] going to ransack them. Is that a word, ransack?” I’m guessing she got a thumbs-up from the producer, because she beams proudly and says, “Cool.” It is a word, and she almost used it correctly, so yay, Deena!
Next week, I’m going to learn how to add two-digit numbers!
Vinny is the first victim, and he is mildly amused. Pauly is next, and Snooki bowls him over on the bed and bounces up and down on him for a little while. “Snooki’s like this super sex-crazy bunny!” Pauly interviews, but he fails to add, “It’s the best day of my life!” Mike is next, and he looks a little bit annoyed when Snooki knocks him down and pretends to hump him.
In the confessional room Snooki, still wearing the bunny head says, “I’m a fucking bunny from Britain and I have no idea what goes on when it comes to frickin’ Guidos” in a horrible “British” accent that makes the word “Guidos” rhyme with “Cheetos.”
Snooki finally takes the bunny head off, and the roommates decide to play Warm Beer. I’d never heard of this game before, and for those of you who are similarly ignorant, this is how it works: It’s a memory game kind of like the alphabet game, except instead of remembering what everybody says, you have to remember the way the other players have touched each other’s faces. For example, the first person touches the second person’s nose, the second person touches the third person’s nose and chin, the third person touches the fourth person’s nose, chin, and forehead, etc. As the game progresses, the chain of movements becomes more complicated, and players “draw” shapes on each other and so on. One of the players is holding a can of warm beer, which apparently develops some sort of soot on the bottom of the can from being heated up, and that person actually ends up marking the (oblivious) person next to him’s face with the soot.
Snooki is the obvious victim for this game since, as Ronnie says, “Snooki has the attention span of a fucking fish.” Ronnie will be the one holding the warm beer, because he’s sure Snooki won’t get mad at him. They play the game, and everybody is having a great time. “Snooki is covered in black soot, and it is the best day of my life,” Pauly interviews. And there it is, I knew he’d say it eventually.
Snooki notices that everybody is laughing at her, but she thinks that it is because she is being particularly witty and vivacious this evening. She gets up from the game to go pee, and the rest of the roommates follow her, eager to see her reaction when she notices her sooty face in the mirror. She has a surprisingly great sense of humor about it, but in an interview she says that she is going to get everybody back.
Everyone is hanging out in the living room and Sammi says that this was one of the funnest nights that they’ve ever had together. Maybe because they stayed home and actually spent time doing things together rather than going out to a noisy club? Just a thought.
Mike interviews that he had a headache and decided to go and sleep it off. I’m thinking he was pissed off that everyone was having such a good time in spite of all his best efforts to ruin their lives earlier that day. After he goes to sleep, Snooki puts the bunny head back on and sneaks into his room. She sticks one of her nails up his nose, then in his mouth, and when that doesn’t wake him up, she pinches his nose closed. This does wake him up, and I was so hoping that he would scream and maybe piss himself, but instead he blearily says, “What the hell?” and bats Snooki away. “I picked your nose and made you eat your boogers,” she tells him as she leaves the room.
Sammi, Deena, and Mike go to open the Shore Store, and comment that Danny looks very tan. “That’s cos I’ve been out here so long waiting for you guys,” he ripostes. Deena is super stoked because she is going to make herself a pair of booty shorts that say “I Jersey Turnpike all night,” and they’ll show when she Jersey Turnpikes, which is like the cleverest thing EVER in the history of slogans.
Take that, Burma Shave!
Sammi gives Deena some crap about having a big butt. Poor Deena. If/when she has kids, she is going to inflate like Violet Beauregarde. You can tell that she has a genetic predisposition to massiveness, and even though she doesn’t seem to be bothered by Sammi’s comment, it has to sting a little.
JMomm’s hairdresser, Dina, comes to the house to do JMomm’s and Snooki’s hair. Snooki completely forgot that her dad was coming to visit. She tells him that she needs to go to the doctor later because she thinks she has a UTI. “My dad is like, ‘I don’t know why you keep getting UTIs,’” she interviews, “but it’s from sex.” It’s not just from sex, Nicole, it’s also from practicing poor hygiene and being an idiot. I don’t think I’ve ever had a UTI, and it is because I follow these three simple rules:Daddy Andy is slightly annoyed that Snooki forgot that he was coming to visit. “How could you forget your father?” he asks. Because you raised her to be an entitled, self-absorbed princess, sir, and you are about to prove this by going out to buy her cranberry juice and also new eyelashes for JMomm while they get their extensions put in. He does draw the line at buying Snooki new underwear, though.
Back on the boardwalk, Mike is on break and runs into Paul Bunyan. “I have to tell Jenni as soon as I get home,” he interviews, and the gleeful twinkle in his eye shines out from behind his sunglasses.
At the Shore Store, Mike starts talking to Deena about the confrontation from the day before, and says that he’s going to take it that everything’s good between himself and the rest of the roommates, but he thinks that people weren’t saying what they really wanted to say. Except for the part where Snooki told you repeatedly that nobody trusts you because you’ve boasted about being a villain and screwed people over in the past, but again, let’s not get bogged down with details. “What you and Snooks were getting at is that they are talking,” he tells Deena. I understand that editing might have left out some important additional information from their conversation, but my recollection is that all they told him was to confront people if he thought they were talking behind his back. Apparently he took Snooki’s telling him to stick up for himself as confirmation that there was a huge anti-Mike conspiracy. And again, if anybody knows how to officially become a part of the HAMC, please leave that information in the comments.
Deena interviews that Mike definitely has some Jekyll and Hyde characteristics, and that he’ll switch from being nice to being an asshat “at the drop of a dime.”
Mike tells Deena, “When I spoke to Snooki, she made me feel like….” A natural woman? Deena reminds Mike that Snooki was drunk (quelle suprise!) so maybe he shouldn’t attach too much importance to anything that she said. “You too, though,” Mike says. Deena points out that all they told him was that if he felt like people were talking about him, he should confront them about it. “Who knows,” Mike shrugs, “this could be just a joke.”
You mean like this was?
“I’m very confused right now,” Mike tells us. “I feel like I’m being volleyed back and forth between the boys and Snooki and Deena, and it’s like, who’s telling the truth, and who’s lying?”
I am seriously starting to wonder if Mike suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. He is in the age range when it generally surfaces, and meets several of the diagnostic criteria, including delusions, anger, emotional distance, argumentativeness, and a self-important or condescending manner. I would have a hard time mocking him so mercilessly if he is actually mentally ill, so for the sake of my juicy recapping goodness, I am just going to keep assuming that he has stolen the title of “The Biggest Douche in the Universe” from John Edwards.
Mike’s Shore Store shift is over, and he hears JMomm talking to Daddy Andy about her relationship with Paul Bunyan. “I have to tell Jenni about seeing Roger, but by telling Jenni it might start drama.” Oh horrors! We all know that starting drama is the last thing you would ever want, Mike! He wastes no time in telling JMomm that he saw Paul Bunyan on the boardwalk. JMomm is understandably pissed, because if Paul Bunyan has time to hang with his friends on the boardwalk and beach, he obviously has time to call her. “He will have to do some serious, serious apologizing and making up,” she says. The thing is, if he’s over you, he’s not going to do that. He’s just going to keep ignoring you and then if he happens to run into you somewhere, he’ll explain that his phone died and ate your number and all of his voicemails, and that he suffered a concussion and forgot where your house was.
In the car on the way to the gym, Pauly and Ronnie are making fun of Mike’s outburst from the day before. Back at home, Pauly explains that Mike is like a broken record; he gets stuck on one topic and that’s all he’ll talk about until he moves on to the next topic. Right now, his topic is apologizing and being nice. “I think I know what’s up,” Mike tells Pauly, “I think I know who tried to cause all the trouble.” In an interview he tells us, “We’re pretty much finding out who the real troublemaker is.” Is he starting with the man in the mirror? No, he is not. “It’s Snooki.” He has decided that Snooki has stirred up all of these issues causing him to think that the other guys in the house are conspiring against him in order to distract him from telling Jionni about their alleged hook-up in Italy.
“The whole morning,” Vinny interviews, “Mike has been saying, you know, ‘I don’t have ulterior motives, I’m a nice guy,’ and at this moment Mike is planning on retaliating against Snooki and getting her back and telling Jionni some like, deep, dark secrets.” Getting her back for what? Where is this coming from? “I can’t believe I got fucking blindsided like this,” Mike tells the boys, and again I ask, WTF are you even talking about?! “The real Mike is back,” Pauly interviews, “and I love watching all the shit he does.”
“It’s gonna be the best day of my life!”
Mike is on the duck phone, calling One Inch. He wants him to “come down and handle the business that is unfinished.” Pauly’s getting his popcorn ready so he can sit back and enjoy the show. At least somebody’s still enjoying this show.
Next week: Mike’s in the mood for a little trouble; Vinny tries to get some; JMomm and Paul Bunyan finally talk, and things do not go well.
So tell me – did the editors leave out a whole bunch of footage in which Snooki deliberately tried to set Mike against the other male roommates, or this just Mike being delusional? I’m leaning towards delusional, myself. I don’t understand why the rest of them continue to put up with this crap from him. I want to strap him down in a chair and force his eyeballs open, Clockwork Orange style, and make him watch every single bit of footage where he creates drama and talks about how much fun it is to stir up trouble over and over again. Snooki may be dirty and gross physically, but Mike is absolutely the more disgusting person.
Thanks for sticking this episode out with me. A lot happened, even though it was fairly dull. As always, hit me with your comment-y goodness — hearing what you have to say about the show makes it worth watching.
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