Jersey Shore: Nothing but Nasty

Recaps

By SuburBint | Sunday, February 5, 2012 | 6:13 pm | 69 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Jersey Shore, Recaps

This episode… I don’t even know what to say (not that that’s ever stopped me in the past.) Thankfully, you all had tons to say about it, as the comments section of the minicap proves. I can’t wait to get the ‘Gasmii’s take on the full recap! I wonder if my doctor would write me a prescription for Valium if I explained my recapping duties to her, because these people are starting to stress me out.

A recapper’s best friend.

Previously on Jersey Shore: Daddy Danny gave the roommates a verbal spanking about being slackers and threatened them with new roommates; Mike’s and Pauly’s surprise party was a great success; Vinny was kidnapped back from his mom’s house to the shore house, and there was much rejoicing.

“I got my boyfriend back!” Pauly squees, “I get the smush room!” Don’t you remember what happened the last time you used the smush room, Pauly? Besides, as JMomm points out, you and Vinny already share a bedroom.

They arrive back home, and Deena is wearing those ridiculous fairy wings upside down. I do not understand anything this girl does, all I know is that she makes me sad. Vinny is unpacking in his room, and Deena stands there hugging a very green stuffed animal listening to Pauly catch Vinny up on everything that’s happened while he was gone. Pauly says that Mike has been acting abnormally nice, and Vinny replies, “I don’t like that. I like him as a douche better.” “Exactly, cos it’s real,” says Pauly. It’s funny because it’s true!

Now that Vinny’s home, what should they do to celebrate? Rather than choosing a night of Parcheesi in front of the fireplace, our intrepid booze-hounds decide to break with tradition and go to Karma. Cue the getting-gussied-up-tage. Ronnie irons his jeans, you guys! That is adorable! Mike calls for a taxi, and is told that it will be at least forty-five minutes before they can get there. Don’t they usually walk to Karma? I’m confused.

JMomm calls Paul Bunyan and gets his voice mail. She interviews that she feels like she hasn’t seen as much of him as she should now that she’s back at the shore, and is wondering if something’s up.

Quick, somebody send her a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You!

In the living room, waiting for their cab, Mike says that he wants to get some new tattoos on his forearms; “Loyalty” on one arm and “Betrayal” on the other. Why? “So you always remember who had your back and who didn’t,” he says. Somebody’s been feeling neglected because Vinny’s been getting all the attention.

Right there with ya, Ron-Ron.

“Mike knows nothing about loyalty and everything about betrayal,” Ronnie interviews. “Mike should get a tattoo that says “Betrayal” and “Betrayal.” Amen to that. I just watched an episode from season one where Mike is trying to create drama in Sammi and Ronnie’s budding relationship because he still thinks he has a chance of getting in Sammi’s pants. That dude has been slimy from the word go.

The cab finally arrives. How amazing would it be if they were picked up in a Cash Cab? They would probably get booted on the first corner, but they might make it all the way to their destination with tons of drinkin’ money in some bizarre Slumdog Millionaire scenario. Either way, it would be fun to watch. But enough about my TV cross-over fantasies.

They get to Karma, and Mike wanders off on his own like he usually does when everybody goes out together. Pauly’s grin is even bigger and shinier than usual, he is so excited to have Vinny back. They make out with various girls throughout the club, as the rest of the roommates dance. And then, right there in the middle of the dance floor, Snooki’s bladder lets loose.

“Thank God nobody else saw,” Deena says in an interview. I can guarantee you that people noticed the puddle though, they just didn’t know at the time who the guilty party was. If someone slipped and fell and hurt themselves, I wonder if they can retroactively sue Snooki? I would, because I take slipping in other people’s bodily waste personally. I’m vindictive that way.

JMomm is appropriately horrified, and Snooki waddles her soggy-drawered self into the ladies’ room, where she cleans up by spraying herself all over with perfume. As one does.

So much for my hope that Mike & One Inch were the only ones who do this.

In an interview, Snooki says, “Honestly, I don’t care. If you spray perfume and take a ‘shore shower,’ that’s still considered a shower.” No. It. Isn’t. That’s why, when you go to any home improvement store of your choosing and ask to buy a shower, they will direct you to an aisle that contains plumbing equipment, and shower stalls, and shower heads, and possibly even refer you to a contractor or a plumber who specializes in installing showers. With water. They’re not going to point you in the direction of the nearest Perfumania.

“Don’t call me dirty, I’m not dirty!” Snooki continues. “I smell phenomenal.” Oh, Nicole. Let’s dissect this statement, shall we?

Phenomenal is an adjective used to describe something that is a phenomenon. Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word “phenomenon” includes the following: an exceptional, unusual, or abnormal person, thing, or occurrence. You will note that this definition is ambiguous as to whether a phenomenon is a good or bad thing; for the sake of our argument, we will allow that a phenomenon can be either. Here is an example of something that has a phenomenal smell.

Titan Arum flower

This flower, which is native only to the forests of Sumatra, Indonesia, can grow as quickly as a quarter of an inch per hour and has been known to reach heights of over 20 feet tall and weigh up to 70 pounds.  It also releases a powerful odor that is frequently compared to the smell of rotting flesh. I am sure that we can all agree that the Titan Arum flower is exceptional, unusual, and abnormal, and therefore qualifies as “phenomenal.” From what we’ve heard about you, (read  Elmstreet’s comments, #7 & #20 for more info) I bet you do smell phenomenally, Snooki. But I am not for one second going to assume that it is a good phenomenon.

After leaving Karma, everybody goes to bed (alone, possibly for the first time in the history of the show). Deena stops by Pauly and Vinny’s room and says, “Good night, Pauly, I love you. Now you say it back.” I swear, my two-year-old is more emotionally secure than Deena is. Pauly says it, and then it’s Vinny’s turn. “I love you Vin. Say it back.” Vinny won’t. No wonder he had a nervous breakdown, Deena and Mike are both emotional vampires, albeit in very different ways.

Snooki wakes up the next morning and not only did she not remove her pee-laden ensemble, girlfriend didn’t even bother to take off her shoes before passing out. How is it that she never seems hungover? It boggles the mind. Her goal is to discard her smelly undies before any of the other roommates catch her, an interesting concern considering that she personally told all of the girls about peeing in the club. She stuffs them in an empty plastic grocery bag and stuffs that into one of the garbage bags out on the back deck.

Deena is in the bathroom dealing with a faux-hair crisis. “My fused extensions got caught on my clip-on extensions and my hair is in a legit knot right now,” she complains. I have never used extensions and really don’t understand this whole thing, but on the Deena Scale of Unpleasant Life Experiences, this ranks approximately an 8.4 out of 10. She washes her clip-on extensions in the sink and then goes to plug in her hair dryer while her hand is still wet. We hear the bzzt-POP of an electrical surge as Deena gets a bit of a shock from the outlet. “What the hell? I’m fucking electrocuted!”

Electrocution / Not electrocution

“I cannot believe I just electrocuted myself.” That’s because you didn’t. Electrocution results in death, braintrust. It’s only a matter of time until she tries to dig a piece of bread out of a plugged-in toaster with a metal fork, and then we’ll see her in the Darwin Awards. She calls Sammi for help and asks, “If you get electrocuted, does that mean you get fucked up?” Well, do you define being dead as being fucked up? Because if you do, then the answer is yes. “Like, do you think my brain’s all crazy?” Deena clarifies, and Sammi is way too nice to point out that it’s not like Deena had that far to fall intellectually in the first place. Sammi points out that cops use Tasers on people all the time, so it probably doesn’t have any long-term mental effects, and Deena agrees with the logic of this until a new question leaps the chasms between her brain cells: “Is it the same electrical, though?” In Deena’s world, electronic electricity, “watts, or whatever they’re called,” lives in the walls, but who knows about the electricity that doesn’t live in the walls?! Electricity, man. Who knows what wackiness it’s going to get up to next?

The rest of the house is up, and they decide that they’re going to go to Jenks. “Are you going to get drunk today?” Snooki asks Mike, and he answers in the affirmative. “Promise?” she persists. She is awfully invested in how much other people drink. She says that they need to get Vinny drunk, and asks Mike if he hung out with Vinny at Karma the night before. “No, I ended up veering off somehow,” he answers.

Mystery solved

Snooki interviews that everytime they go out as a group, Mike ends up separate from the rest of the group. “It’s like he doesn’t want to hang out with all of us,” she explains. I’m sure it’s everybody else’s fault but Mike’s, just ask him!

JMomm is calling Paul Bunyan again, and once again gets his voicemail. This is what we call a clue, Jenni. Please don’t be That Girl.

Snooki is double-layering her underwear for today’s excursion, because she really doesn’t want to pee herself again, especially in a thong. You know, I have had four kids, one of whom weighed 10 1/2 pounds at birth. I am no stranger to unexpected leakage of a urinary nature. Pee happens. But during those infrequent times when I am particularly prone to such incidents, (i.e., when I have an illness that causes severe coughing fits), I make little adjustments to my life so as not to embarrass myself and/or inconvenience others. Granny knickers, pantiliners, and remaining within 50 feet of a bathroom are all weapons in my arsenal against spritzing the world around me as if I were an elderly chihuahua. What I do not do is double layer my undergarments because guess what? Your standard issue underwear is not waterproof.

Up in the room that Mike shares with Sammi and Ronnie, the three of them are getting ready for their day out. Mike generously attacks Ronnie with body spray, but Ronnie says that he’s all set. “I gotta make sure my boys are smelling good,” Mike says. In the confessional room, Ronnie tells us that Mike’s been good lately. “But I just want to know, what’s he up to, and when’s he blowing up the house?” Ronnie might not be as dumb as he looks.

Inspector Ronnie is on the case!

“In Italy,” Mike tells Sam and Ronnie, “everybody hated me, and you know, I’m so nice now.” “It’s like, ‘What are you up to?” Ronnie responds. “When are you blowing up the house?”

The cast heads out to Jenkinson’s, and Deena singterviews, “Sunday fun day at Jenkinson’s!” as if she were Zooey Deschanel’s character in New Girl. The group goes out on the patio at Jenks, and someone hollers to Mike from down on the beach. “I’m actually a native to this area,” Mike interviews, “so I’m bound to run into a friend wherever I go.” Vinny interviews that everywhere they go, an entourage of guys shows up. “I don’t know if these are actually Mike’s friends or just randoms that he met at the club or pulled off the street,” Pauly tells us, and that’s a valid question.

“I’m gonna go piss,” Snooki says getting up from the table. Deena goes with her (you know how girls are) and on the way to the restroom, Snooki asks if they can go to the doctor if she pees blood. “No, tomorrow,” says Deena. If you are literally peeing blood, you go to the Emergency Room. What is wrong with these people that they don’t know that? After voiding her bacteria-laden bladder, Snooki says, “I’m not washing my hands.” “Yeah, I don’t ever do it,” Deena replies. No wonder Hoboken turned down Snooki’s reality show being filmed there “based on the negative impact it would have on the health, safety, and welfare” of the people who live there. AARGH!

Snooki has self-diagnosed a UTI which, she explains to those of us who weren’t aware, “doesn’t stand for ‘Ultimate Tanning Institute,’” but rather a urinary tract infection. She goes to the bar and orders tequila with salt, for her pain. “I’m a vet tech,” she reminds us, “and I know what to do when it comes to UTIs. Drinking is kinda like a pain killer, like anesthesia, so you don’t feel it.” She should have ordered vodka with cranberry juice and killed two birds with one stone. Also, alcohol metabolizes into sugar, which is exactly what all of those lovely bacteria causing the UTI thrive on. Science. “I have a fucking UTI and it hurts like balls,” she tells Deena.

So not funny.

Seven out of eight of the roommates want to go play at the batting cages and other activities that Jenkinson’s has to offer. Guess who the hold-out is?


Mike decides to stay at the bar, and everyone else hits the boardwalk. Looks like Jenkinson’s is a family-friendly establishment, as Snooki freaks out about all of the kids. Deena points out that at least they’re dressed “kinda well,” which in their case means nothing needs to be pixellated.

“It doesn’t make sense for us to leave and play baseball and walk around miserable,” Mike interviews, and we see him creeping on some girls while the rest of the roommates are having a great time at the batting cages. I wish Mike had gone to the batting cages with them, because then maybe he would have been hit by a ball in the balls, and that would have been hilarious. But I’m glad for the rest of the group that they got to enjoy their day out without Mike’s perpetual whining getting in the way of their fun. Snooki doesn’t like the balls being thrown at her, she just likes balls in her mouth. Every time I think she’s reached the apex of the TMI scale, she proves that there are even greater heights to be reached.

Everybody goes and collects Mike from the bar, and they get into two cabs to head back home. Snooki, Deena, and Mike are the only ones in their cab, which Snooki and Deena dub “the fun cab!” but that is short-lived. Mike immediately starts stirring the pot o’drama by telling Snooki and Deena that there are “certain people in the crib” who are talking shit behind his back. Snooki points out that Mike never hangs out with them when they go out, and Mike argues that he’s with them 24/7.  There’s a lot of bleeping out of whatever Mike is saying, and I have neither the time nor the patience to decipher everything, but basically he feels like when he’s with people one-on-one, they’re cool, but when he’s with the group he gets left out. (Not that he sticks around the group long enough to ever give them a chance to exclude him, but why worry about the details.) Snooki very rationally tells Mike to call people out when they’re acting that way instead of allowing himself to be isolated. “I feel like the boys are plotting against me,” Mike interviews, “and I better get ready to defend myself.” If there is an organized plot against Mike, could somebody please shoot me the contact info so that I can get signed up? Thanks!

“I don’t know who’s talking shit,” he tells the girls, “but somebody is!” That somebody would be me, Michael. What, exactly, do you propose to do about it?

When they get back to the house, all of the bathrooms are immediately claimed, and Snooki has to go RIGHT NOW. She goes out to the back deck, squats under the staircase, and lets loose. It’s a fairly impressive puddle for such a small person. I’m working on potty-training my two-year-old right now, so this whole story line of pee everywhere is really striking a chord with me. Snooki drops her shorts over the spot where she peed since “they already smell like piss.” We had dogs who used to pee on our outside deck, and let me tell you, the only way to get rid of the smell is to replace the wood. Poor Danny, he is going to have to raze that house to the ground and start over from scratch after these hoodlums are finally done with it, because there’s just not enough Lysol in the world.

Mike is looking at his chest acne in the mirror. “Gym, Tan, I need some Clearasil,” he says. As he turns to come downstairs, the entire front of his shorts is pixellated out. Apparently Mike forgot to zip up when he finished in the bathroom, and L’il Mikey is making an appearance.

He, Snooki, and Deena go up to the Rooftop Patio of Unfortunate Events, and Mike thanks Snooki for having his back. “I’ve been nice as hell to everybody this year,” he bitches, and I don’t know who invented the technology that allows certain portions of the video to be blurred so that I don’t have to pour bleach into my eyes, but I will remain forever grateful to that person.

Thank you, anonymous benefactor to humanity.

Snooki quotes Mike to himself. “Remember? ‘I like being a villain.’ So why the fuck should we fucking trust you?” I never thought I would agree with Snooki so completely as I do right now, but she is 100% correct. Go Snooki! “Why does everybody gotta focus on Mike?” he responds. “Mike, Mike, Mike.” Because if they focus on anything else for longer than an eighth of a second, you do something ridiculous in order to bring their attention back to you.

JMomm wanders into the middle of the conversation, and immediately points out that Mike’s hanging brain. He disregards her completely, blathering on about his bold personality, and how there’s no reason to be mean to him, and how he tries to be nice to everybody, but the entire time, JMomm is fixated on the fact that Mike’s wiener is playing peek-a-boo with her.

The rest of the boys come up to the RPoUE. “Yo, I swear to God, that thing’s talking to me right now, bro,” says Vinny, pointing at Mike’s penis, and Mike hitches his pants up ineffectually without stopping his monologue. He gripes for a bit about Ronnie’s comment about blowing up the house, and then finally tucks Mike, Jr., away, saying that if he ever does anything that bothers them, just tell him about it. I’m thinking that would carry a lot more weight had he dealt with the peen-peekage when JMomm first brought it to his attention. In the minicap comments, Buffy posits that Mike knew his wang was out the entire time, and did it on purpose as some sort of passive-aggressive statement, and frankly, I can see that as a possibility. But why? WHY?!

Also, why are there so many different slang terms for penis? Pecker, peter, wang, peen, wiener, one-eyed monster, trouser snake, willy, thingy, John Thomas, dick, rod, johnson (Johnson?!)… the list goes on and on.

A properly zipped-up Mike goes into the house and finds Snooki in the confessional room. He tells her there’s nothing else he can do, he confronted everybody and they all said everything was cool. The two of them go out to the Sofaed Balcony of Solitude, and he moans about how fruitless his venting was. She asks him if he confronted Pauly directly, since in the car Mike told the girls that he felt Pauly was being especially two-faced towards him, and no, Mike didn’t want to single anybody out. “Say what you really feel, you idiot!” Snooki squeaks. Mike doesn’t want to accuse people, because he doesn’t know anything. It’s so much better to be vaguely aggressive towards the entire house, don’t you think?

“I’m either 100% nice or 100% mean,” he says. From what I’ve been told, Mike, the dark side has cookies, so I would go with 100% mean, but I’m pretty sure they’d kick your ass out because you are far too whiny to be a true supervillain.

There is no room for Mike amongst this august fellowship.

“We don’t trust you,” Snooki tells Mike, but since Mike is completely incapable of owning any of his past or present behaviour, he decides that “it’s time to be bad.” Snooki tries to get him to relax, but he’s gotten himself so worked up over the nothing that is going on that he’s not going to rest until… I really don’t know what he even wants to get out of this whole thing. It’s drama for drama’s sake. “Instead of the Situation, it’s the Confrontation,” he interviews. Can I punch him?

He goes downstairs and finds Pauly and Ronnie in the living room. Mike tells them that he’s trying to be super nice to everybody, and that if he does something that pisses them off to please tell him. “Where is this coming from?” Pauly asks, and Mike says he doesn’t know. Snooki and Deena are present for this part of the conversation, and Snooki interjects and encourages Mike to be honest. “I feel like one of you guys is mad at me for something, I don’t know what it is, maybe I’m crazy,” he says. Well, there is that.

Pauly interviews that Mike is drunk and overly emotional. Snooki goes up to the confessional room, where she says that they boy’s don’t really say anything. “They’re just like, ‘We’re gonna float around and pretend we like each other but we really don’t.’ Fucking SAY SOMETHING! It’s so fucking annoying!” When Snooki is being the voice of reason in the house, can the apocalypse be far behind?

Thankfully, Snooki quickly snaps out of her mature and rational phase, because she realizes that while all of the boys are upstairs it is the perfect opportunity to ambush them with the bunny suit. She and Deena get it out of the closet, and Deena interviews that she is going to “lure them in, and [Snooki’s] going to ransack them. Is that a word, ransack?” I’m guessing she got a thumbs-up from the producer, because she beams proudly and says, “Cool.” It is a word, and she almost used it correctly, so yay, Deena!

Next week, I’m going to learn how to add two-digit numbers!

Vinny is the first victim, and he is mildly amused. Pauly is next, and Snooki bowls him over on the bed and bounces up and down on him for a little while. “Snooki’s like this super sex-crazy bunny!” Pauly interviews, but he fails to add, “It’s the best day of my life!” Mike is next, and he looks a little bit annoyed when Snooki knocks him down and pretends to hump him.

In the confessional room Snooki, still wearing the bunny head says, “I’m a fucking  bunny from Britain and I have no idea what goes on when it comes to frickin’ Guidos” in a horrible “British” accent that makes the word “Guidos” rhyme with “Cheetos.”

Snooki finally takes the bunny head off, and the roommates decide to play Warm Beer. I’d never heard of this game before, and for those of you who are similarly ignorant, this is how it works: It’s a memory game kind of like the alphabet game, except instead of remembering what everybody says, you have to remember the way the other players have touched each other’s faces. For example, the first person touches the second person’s nose, the second person touches the third person’s nose and chin, the third person touches the fourth person’s nose, chin, and forehead, etc. As the game progresses, the chain of movements becomes more complicated, and players “draw” shapes on each other and so on. One of the players is holding a can of warm beer, which apparently develops some sort of soot on the bottom of the can from being heated up, and that person actually ends up marking the (oblivious) person next to him’s face with the soot.

Snooki is the obvious victim for this game since, as Ronnie says, “Snooki has the attention span of a fucking fish.” Ronnie will be the one holding the warm beer, because he’s sure Snooki won’t get mad at him. They play the game, and everybody is having a great time. “Snooki is covered in black soot, and it is the best day of my life,” Pauly interviews. And there it is, I knew he’d say it eventually.

 

Snooki notices that everybody is laughing at her, but she thinks that it is because she is being particularly witty and vivacious this evening. She gets up from the game to go pee, and the rest of the roommates follow her, eager to see her reaction when she notices her sooty face in the mirror. She has a surprisingly great sense of humor about it, but in an interview she says that she is going to get everybody back.

Everyone is hanging out in the living room and Sammi says that this was one of the funnest nights that they’ve ever had together. Maybe because they stayed home and actually spent time doing things together rather than going out to a noisy club? Just a thought.

Mike interviews that he had a headache and decided to go and sleep it off. I’m thinking he was pissed off that everyone was having such a good time in spite of all his best efforts to ruin their lives earlier that day. After he goes to sleep, Snooki puts the bunny head back on and sneaks into his room. She sticks one of her nails up his nose, then in his mouth, and when that doesn’t wake him up, she pinches his nose closed. This does wake him up, and I was so hoping that he would scream and maybe piss himself, but instead he blearily says, “What the hell?” and bats Snooki away. “I picked your nose and made you eat your boogers,” she tells him as she leaves the room.

Sammi, Deena, and Mike go to open the Shore Store, and comment that Danny looks very tan. “That’s cos I’ve been out here so long waiting for you guys,” he ripostes. Deena is super stoked because she is going to make herself a pair of booty shorts that say “I Jersey Turnpike all night,” and they’ll show when she Jersey Turnpikes, which is like the cleverest thing EVER in the history of slogans.

Take that, Burma Shave!

Sammi gives Deena some crap about having a big butt. Poor Deena. If/when she has kids, she is going to inflate like Violet Beauregarde. You can tell that she has a genetic predisposition to massiveness, and even though she doesn’t seem to be bothered by Sammi’s comment, it has to sting a little.

JMomm’s hairdresser, Dina, comes to the house to do JMomm’s and Snooki’s hair. Snooki completely forgot that her dad was coming to visit. She tells him that she needs to go to the doctor later because she thinks she has a UTI. “My dad is like, ‘I don’t know why you keep getting UTIs,’” she interviews, “but it’s from sex.” It’s not just from sex, Nicole, it’s also from practicing poor hygiene and being an idiot. I don’t think I’ve ever had a UTI, and it is because I follow these three simple rules:Daddy Andy is slightly annoyed that Snooki forgot that he was coming to visit. “How could you forget your father?” he asks. Because you raised her to be an entitled, self-absorbed princess, sir, and you are about to prove this by going out to buy her cranberry juice and also new eyelashes for JMomm while they get their extensions put in. He does draw the line at buying Snooki new underwear, though.

Back on the boardwalk, Mike is on break and runs into Paul Bunyan.  “I have to tell Jenni as soon as I get home,” he interviews, and the gleeful twinkle in his eye shines out from behind his sunglasses.

At the Shore Store, Mike starts talking to Deena about the confrontation from the day before, and says that he’s going to take it that everything’s good between himself and the rest of the roommates, but he thinks that people weren’t saying what they really wanted to say. Except for the part where Snooki told you repeatedly that nobody trusts you because you’ve boasted about being a villain and screwed people over in the past, but again, let’s not get bogged down with details. “What you and Snooks were getting at is that they are talking,” he tells Deena. I understand that editing might have left out some important additional information from their conversation, but my recollection is that all they told him was to confront people if he thought they were talking behind his back. Apparently he took Snooki’s telling him to stick up for himself as confirmation that there was a huge anti-Mike conspiracy. And again, if anybody knows how to officially become a part of the HAMC, please leave that information in the comments.

Deena interviews that Mike definitely has some Jekyll and Hyde characteristics, and that he’ll switch from being nice to being an asshat “at the drop of a dime.”

Mike tells Deena, “When I spoke to Snooki, she made me feel like….” A natural woman? Deena reminds Mike that Snooki was drunk (quelle suprise!) so maybe he shouldn’t attach too much importance to anything that she said. “You too, though,” Mike says. Deena points out that all they told him was that if he felt like people were talking about him, he should confront them about it. “Who knows,” Mike shrugs, “this could be just a joke.”

You mean like this was?

“I’m very confused right now,” Mike tells us. “I feel like I’m being volleyed back and forth between the boys and Snooki and Deena, and it’s like, who’s telling the truth, and who’s lying?”

I am seriously starting to wonder if Mike suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. He is in the age range when it generally surfaces, and meets several of the diagnostic criteria, including delusions, anger, emotional distance, argumentativeness, and a self-important or condescending manner. I would have a hard time mocking him so mercilessly if he is actually mentally ill, so for the sake of my juicy recapping goodness, I am just going to keep assuming that he has stolen the title of “The Biggest Douche in the Universe” from John Edwards.

Mike’s Shore Store shift is over, and he hears JMomm talking to Daddy Andy about her relationship with Paul Bunyan. “I have to tell Jenni about seeing Roger, but by telling Jenni it might start drama.” Oh horrors! We all know that starting drama is the last thing you would ever want, Mike! He wastes no time in telling JMomm that he saw Paul Bunyan on the boardwalk. JMomm is understandably pissed, because if Paul Bunyan has time to hang with his friends on the boardwalk and beach, he obviously has time to call her. “He will have to do some serious, serious apologizing and making up,” she says. The thing is, if he’s over you, he’s not going to do that. He’s just going to keep ignoring you and then if he happens to run into you somewhere, he’ll explain that his phone died and ate your number and all of his voicemails, and that he suffered a concussion and forgot where your house was.

In the car on the way to the gym, Pauly and Ronnie are making fun of Mike’s outburst from the day before. Back at home, Pauly explains that Mike is like a broken record; he gets stuck on one topic and that’s all he’ll talk about until he moves on to the next topic. Right now, his topic is apologizing and being nice. “I think I know what’s up,” Mike tells Pauly, “I think I know who tried to cause all the trouble.” In an interview he tells us, “We’re pretty much finding out who the  real troublemaker is.” Is he starting with the man in the mirror? No, he is not. “It’s Snooki.” He has decided that Snooki has stirred up all of these issues causing him to think that the other guys in the house are conspiring against him in order to distract him from telling Jionni about their alleged hook-up in Italy.

“The whole morning,” Vinny interviews, “Mike has been saying, you know, ‘I don’t have ulterior motives, I’m a nice guy,’ and at this moment Mike is planning on retaliating against Snooki and getting her back and telling Jionni some like, deep, dark secrets.” Getting her back for what? Where is this coming from? “I can’t believe I got fucking blindsided like this,” Mike tells the boys, and again I ask, WTF are you even talking about?! “The real Mike is back,” Pauly interviews, “and I love watching all the shit he does.”

“It’s gonna be the best day of my life!”

Mike is on the duck phone, calling One Inch. He wants him to “come down and handle the business that is unfinished.” Pauly’s getting his popcorn ready so he can sit back and enjoy the show. At least somebody’s still enjoying this show.

Next week: Mike’s in the mood for a little trouble; Vinny tries to get some; JMomm and Paul Bunyan finally talk, and things do not go well.

So tell me – did the editors leave out a whole bunch of footage in which Snooki deliberately tried to set Mike against the other male roommates, or this just Mike being delusional? I’m leaning towards delusional, myself. I don’t understand why the rest of them continue to put up with this crap from him. I want to strap him down in a chair and force his eyeballs open, Clockwork Orange style, and make him watch every single bit of footage where he creates drama and talks about how much fun it is to stir up trouble over and over again. Snooki may be dirty and gross physically, but Mike is absolutely the more disgusting person.

Thanks for sticking this episode out with me. A lot happened, even though it was fairly dull. As always, hit me with your comment-y goodness — hearing what you have to say about the show makes it worth watching.

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

<3, SuburBint

About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

69 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I totally had forgotten about the meeting of the minds regarding electricity/electronics/electrocution. I too am completely ignorant when it comes to extensions and was thoroughly perplexed by the blond ones Deena was putting into her hair. Does that look good?

    Not sure how two pairs of underwear prevent you from peeing your pants. Might I suggest a diaper next time Snooks?

    Maybe I missed something with the warm beer game but I thought Ronnie put something on the bottom of the can but I could be mistaken.

    I’m going for delusional with Mike. And I want in on any plan to take him down!

  2. 2
    SuburBint
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    In regards to the warm beer: my understanding (after minutes of intense research) is that one warms the can of beer by applying a flame to the underneath of the can, thus creating the soot on the bottom.

    The more you know! :-)

  3. 3
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 4:47 am

    YAY! Fullcap up! Thanks SuperB!

    Okay, now I can begin reading.

    BTW, Mere, Lots of plots re Mike in the comments to the minicap. C’mon in!

    Luv, SSC

  4. 4
    mere2142
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Thanks SSC. I’ll go back and check it out! As Pauly said, when Mike’s being a douche, that’s when he’s the most real and I couldn’t agree more!

  5. 5
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Oh SuperB! Your naivte (dang, can’t make an accent aigu) is so cute. JMOMM has peed in lots of public places, including behind the upstairs bar– could’ve been at Karma. Of course, we were allowed to watch. Such a charming group.

  6. 6
    ms. g
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Thanks for the recap Suburbint. I had to comment on the Snooks never seems hungover part I read in the recap. I think she’s never hungover because she’s always drunk. The girl must smell like a distillery. I love me some Jersey Shore but Snooki is starting to grate on the nerves.

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 7:05 am

    @ SSC – I don’t think I’ve been called naive since about 1986, it makes me feel all shiny and new! LOL

    Bear in mind that I still only have the book-ended Jersey Shore experience; thus far, JMomm has been a wee bit violent and made out with Pauly D a couple of times, but other than that she is quite tame. And apparently season 5 JMomm has been Rogered (hee!) which has made her fairly dull.

    @ ms. g – I had wondered about Snooki always being drunk, and it’s obvious that the girl has quite the tolerance or she would be dead by now. MisterBint reminded me that when we were young and foolish, we could drink insane amounts and wake up the next morning feeling none the worse for it. I was beginning to think that hangovers were an urban myth, until I was 23 or so. Maybe Snooki is still young enough to be mostly hangover-free. Or maybe she uses vodka-soaked tampons to keep the party going 24/7. Which would explain her back-door sexual proclivities.

    I have to stop grossing myself out in the comments!

  8. 8
    Elmstreet
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 9:00 am

    “‘Like, do you think my brain’s all crazy?’ Deena clarifies, and Sammi is way too nice to point out that it’s not like Deena had that far to fall intellectually in the first place.”

    Huh. Maybe Sammi really *is* the sweetest bitch we’ve ever met.

    I have nothing else to add. This recap was golden. Platinum, even.

  9. 9
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 9:52 am

    I hope that wasa Lewbowski reference, SuperB. If so, kudos to you!

  10. 10
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 9:58 am

    @ Gypsy – It absolutely was! I quote TBL at every conceivable opportunity.

  11. 11
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:03 am

    This, for once, I am NOT making up: Tasmanian devils are dying off in Australia because of a type of facial cancer tumor that can infect other devils during mating or fighting (which, I guess, are almost indistinguishable if you’re a devil). Cancer cells that infect another organism is a disturbing new thing.

    I’m trying to think of a single difference between Tasmanian devils and the Jersey Shore kids. And I can’t do it. If one of them got one of those facial tumors, the whole of the N.J. Juice Head population would die off. An extinction, just like if a smallest comet hit New Jersey.

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Well then be careful SuperB, Snooki has problems…like beyond pacifisim.

    I think a lot of new sh!t has come to light (for you). A lotta in’s, a lotta out’s.

    AH-MAZ-ING! All of it was perfect but I a TBL fiend!

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Oh shiny new SuperB, you said the epi was dull, but it sure sounded exciting in your recap. Where to begin?

    Re Snooki “she’s reached the apex of the TMI scale, she proves that there are even greater heights to be reached.” Beg to differ, but those have to be lows. Eeeewwwwwwwww.

    Much as I hate to jump on the schitzo bandwagon for Mike (the Schitzuation?), I have to agree with your analysis. Yeah, it makes snarking on him difficult as you said, SuperB, but unless he is taking very good direction from the Powers That Be, he is one sick individual. I’ll go with your having him just be evil so we can continue to snark.

    Now that Sammi is no longer filling the role of punching bag for Rawn’s roid-fueled rages, she is almost invisible.

    And Deena should be invisible. She is so pathetic, craving attention from Pauly and Vinnie almost as much as Mike does from everybody. she is so needy, but doesn’t redeem herself by any spark of intelligence. Or decorum. Yikes!

    At any rate, you really made this mess entertaining. Thank you!

    Luv, SSC

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:17 am

    SuperB, DUDE!

    luv, SSC

  15. 15
    sardini
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I Snooki’s problem is an equal mix of arrogance and ignorance. She’s obviously ignorant, that’s obvious. But her nonchalant way of doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants is just arrogance. A few different instances come to mind…acting like a drunken ass when your boyfriend you love so much clearly disapproves, having sex with whoever she feels like, drinking with zero regard to her health or life, not washing her hands, peeing on her own deck etc. She’s acting like a disgusting spoiled princess, and the scary thing is that she’s getting worse and worse.

  16. 16
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:20 am

    @ nwmtv – Considering how many people from other states and countries come to the shore and hook up (or fight) with our particular bunch of juiceheads, it would be like The Stand.

    @ Gypsy – I’m just waiting for an opportunity to say “Do you see what happens, Jionni? Do you see what happens when you f*** the Snookers in the a$$?”

  17. 17
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Who said it was Jionni?

    Couldn’t resist. And Sardini, you said it all in a tiny orange nutshell. I can’t stand to see a picture of her.

    I mentioned Madge’s ego on Newsgasm, but that woman has more talent than all of us put together (I’m assuming). She earned her ego. Snooki and her castmates have the ego, but with no talent and no dues-paying. Sad.

  18. 18
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @ SSC – am totally stealing “The Schitzuation.” Brilliant.

    @ sardini – I would never have called Snooki arrogant, but it is a very apt description. It’s just not the standard bravado-type arrogance, it’s more girly (if that makes sense.) I don’t know if she’s ignorant or if it’s that she has somehow managed to live an entirely consequence-free life. Which may be a fun ride while you’re on it, but sooner or later that train’s going to jump the tracks. Sadly in Snooki’s case, those consequences will probably involve an early diagnosis of cervical cancer and/or liver failure.

  19. 19
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 10:55 am

    So not only does she not bath after dancing, sweating, drinking, peeing on her herself and smoking at the bar but she also doesn’t bath after sex. This girl is nasty. And not in the Ms. Jackson kind of way.

  20. 20
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @ Elmstreet – Sammi proved both the “sweetest” part when she didn’t call Deena out on her idiocy and the “bitch” part when she made fun of Deena’s butt, all in the same episode. Glad you liked the recap! I felt like they didn’t give me a lot to work with, but I managed to get there in the end.

  21. 21
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Oh I can get you a Snooki. (Laughing) I can get you a Snooki by 3 o’clock today!

    PS-I was at the mall yesterday avoiding the Superbowl, as I do and, we walked by…I shit you not, a perfumania with an actual lifesized Snooki cut out holding her perfume straight out at you. My friend doesn’t have cable so the comedy was lost on her but, I had to find the nearest bench to sit down I was howling with laughter. Oh irony, I flove you so.

  22. 22
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    @ Gypsy – MisterBint, who is a good man (and thorough), recently bought me a TBL collector’s set which included an acrylic pinky toe, complete with green nail polish. It also had a mouse pad which ties the whole room together.

  23. 23
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @Gypsy — that probably wasn’t perfume. The producers got figured it was safer for the world if Snookie standups sprayed aerosol penicillin. Just in case they met the real thing.

  24. 24
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Oh he’s a keeper! I’ve been wanting that very same thing! You really are SuperB! That just MMD. :-)

    In honor of this awesome re-cap I will watch TBL tonight before the RHOBH reunion, part Duh. (have to spread the love)

  25. 25
    Tmurda
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Great recap. I think we share a brain.
    As far as Mike goes, he is such a lost soul. By that, I mean that he can’t find his place amongst the group cause he has nothing endeering or positively unique about him to provide him a comfortable “role” to play. Snooki is gross, and deena is annoying but they are at least nice, happy people. Mike has zero redeaming qualities. He thought playing the villian would payoff somehow, but he sucked at it. Now, he thinks that being in-your-face nice for five minutes will change other’s perception of him. It’s like my best friend’s boyfriend who regularly cheats on her will proudly tell her all about how some chick he met out the night before was all over him, but he totally didn’t fuck her, and then expects her to shower him with praise and thanks. Uh…..you don’t earn points for acting the way a person should act anyway, sorry. What Mike doesn’t know is that he is just simply unlikable no matter what mold he tries to fit in. Nobody cares enough about him to waste energy on any of his personalities. He’s not funny, or smart, or nice, or interesting, or anything people want to be around. He wanders off at the club just to see if anyone cares. Nobody does. He feels like everyone is talking behind his back cause he subconsciously knows he’s a joke. He is the epitomy of insecure and immature. Snooki is just a nice person who wants to offer advice to someone who is upset, but also kinda wanted to just shut him up. He prob feels like everyone is talking behind his back because the whole fucking world is talking behind his back. There’s a diff between being nice, and being nice just so people will think you’re nice.
    I’m a paramedic, and Snooki and Deena are the kind of patients that make me hate my job some days. If you get shocked, but your able to walk around asking someone if they think you’re ok, then you’re probably ok. And anyone with a brain knows that alcohol is probably the worst thing you can ingest when you have a UTI, or ANYTHING for that matter. I actually had a patient yesterday who had suffered a seizure, was very distraught and confused by it, then when I asked what medications she takes, tells me she takes seizure medicine but quit taking it cause she had quit having seizures. And, I kid you not, she told me she is from Jersey.

  26. 26
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    @JJ, I hear ya man, that look in that cut out’s eye was steely, almost hypnotic. It’s best to santize those who get to close to it.

    Also is it me or is she looking more like an orange Flintstone character with the pink and purle and green animal print one armed numbers and bows in her hair? It’s just too much! LOL!

  27. 27
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Gypsy, She is definately a caracature of herself! And she’s no Wilma.

    Well, Tmurda, your interpretation of Schitz’s behavior is not only logical, but completely unsympathetic– I like it. The man is a waste of sperm. Can you imagine doing him? Okay, well any of them.

  28. 28
    Tmurda
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    @snowshoecat-no. No, I cannot imagine doing him. My psyche will not allow me to do so. I’d rather be beaten and butt-fucked (simultaneously) by Ronnie in a roid rage, while he is quieting my screams by mashing my face into a pile of Snooki’s dirty panties, than have any sexual encounter with mike. Seriously. :)

  29. 29
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Yeah. I thought that.

  30. 30
    Sugarbush Joy_Subtraction
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Each week these people get more and more disgusting. It appears that JMomm, Vinny, and possibly Rahn are the only ones that bathe semi-regularly. Of course, it may be the fact that they don’t have tans that make them look like a melting Snickers bar.

    I swear that Snookie and Deena don’t bathe or even wash their faces. Snookie didn’t even remove her pee undies!! I would have GONE HOME if I’d peed myself. Immediately. I wouldn’t have said a word. I would have left, ripped off my clothes, and showered…and probably cried, too.

    Not to mention the fact that the horrifying troll then sees the soot all over her face and didn’t use water and soap then, either! Did y’all notice that? She used a wipe or Kleenex or something. I’m screaming at the TV, “Jesus, woman. Use some fucking soap and water, for God’s sake!!” I can’t believe this show has me so upset at someone over taking a mother-lovin’ bath. If they’re this bad in their adult years, can you imagine what it was like when they were at that child age when you refuse to take baths and your parents chase you around the house trying to force you? I bet they walked around with a permanent filth cloud hovering about like Pigpen.

  31. 31
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Oh, boy. I just read that .495 Productions (the organization responsible for Jersey Shore) is taping a similar show in South Boston. I’ve discussed my feelings about the denizens of Southie in the Challenge threads, so you all know how frightened I am of this idea. For sheer trashiness, I’ll put a Southie ‘tardwaffle up against a faux guido any day of the week. If anything, the Southies will say things just as stupid, but IN A MUCH LOUDER VOICE.

  32. 32
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    @Tmurda: “I’d rather be beaten…”

    I almost believed you until you threw in that part about Snooki’s panties.

  33. 33
    carol
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I really wish that some of the cast members from Jersey Shore would go on the Challenges. Those people are nasty but they would be horrified to be living with the Jersey Shore people. The Real World is almost the same as Jersey Shore except the people are not all idiots. Imagine if they had one of the Real World house casts live together for five seasons in a row, it would get ugly.

    Isn’t the JS house right behind the Shore Store? Isn’t that back deck (with the hot tub) on top of the store? So, wasn’t Snookie peeing on her work? Also, I don’t think those were her shorts she put over the pee, there was way too much fabric to be clothing (or even a winter coat) for Snookie.

    I can honestly say because of these awesome recaps (and the little mini ones) and the great comments, the show itself has turned into the appetizer with the recap as the main dish and the comments the dessert.

  34. 34
    Tmurda
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    @crankyguy-LOL. My face would prob be one giant fever blister afterwards. haha

  35. 35
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Okay, I’ not proud of knowing this, but I read today that One Inch was caught in possession of a date-rape drug.

  36. 36
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    You guys crack me up!

    @ SSC – you are a troublemaker! And I love it.

    @ Tmurda – no need to hold back how you really feel just on our account. LOL. Talk about disturbing mental images!

    @ Joy_Subtraction – I’ve been comforting myself by hoping that maybe Snooki is rabid, and that’s why she avoids water with such passionate intensity.

    @ nwmtv – I’m not very familiar with Boston and all I could think of while reading your comment was some bizarre combination of the SNL skits with Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch (“You’re retahded!” “You ahh!” *slobbery making out*) and Gone, Baby, Gone. I would recap the hell out of that show. Y’all can start the write-in campaign to Flipit now on my behalf.

    @ carol – Snooki didn’t pee on the Rooftop Pain-io, but rather on the downstairs deck behind the kitchen. If she had peed upstairs, I’m sure it would have eaten through the roof of the Shore Store, destroying thousands of dollars worth of personalizable booty shorts in its path. Glad you’re enjoying the recaps, and I couldn’t agree more about the comments being like dessert, which is always my favourite part of any meal.

  37. 37
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    @ SSC – One Inch is willingly and publicly known as Schiz’s BFF, and he has dead, soulless eyes. I would be shocked if he’s had sex without the aid of rohypnol since… well, pretty much since ever.

  38. 38
    Moli Moli
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    @ Tmurda I don’t think I have ever wanted to bleach my eyes(and I watch a lot of reality tv) until I read that “I’d rather be…”.

  39. 39
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Troublemaker? Moi? Oh dear. That’s waaaaaaay too close to Schitz. Yikes.

    I know a few Southies, and NWMTV (who should know MUCH better than I) has a valid point. They scare me.

  40. 40
    SuburBint
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    @ SSC – yes, but you are a fun troublemaker, where as El Schitzuation is a nasty, horrible, malevolent troublemaker who needs to go away.

  41. 41
    anony
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:47 am

    Maybe now that Jmomm is going to be single again (i assume/hope thats whats going to happen when she finally talks to Rogahhh) she will go back to being JWOWW

  42. 42
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 6:41 am

    @ anony – I hope so, because she and Snooki will have their own spin-off when Jersey Shore ends, and I can’t imagine that MTV would devote a whole half of a show to the Queen of Snoozeville. Unless the show is called “Watch JMomm Hold Snooki’s Hair While She Vomits.”

  43. 43
    BellicoseBaby
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Re: “Ronnie might not be as dumb as he looks.” – God, let’s hope not!!!

    I think Snookie has become arrogant and obnoxious, but that’s what passes for entahtainment on this show.

    And, falling into the minority – I feel sorry for Mike. There is a sadness to this kid – and the annoying bravado is pretty transparent. Maybe I have heard too much of his purported backstory – the violence and abuse he grew up with. It’s almost as if the only way he knows to attach to people is through negative emotions.

  44. 44
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 8:19 am

    @ BellicoseBaby – if that is true about Mike’s childhood, then it sucks. But in my opinion (and I realise that this is a contentious point for a lot of people) you can’t use having a crappy upbringing as an excuse to treat people like sh!t, or expect accommodations to constantly be made for your poor tender little feelings simply because you got a raw deal growing up.

    I grew up in an abusive household, and it absolutely affects me to this day. A lot of my immediate reactions to situations are still programmed reactions based on how I grew up, and those default thought patterns and expectations have contributed to a lot of bad choices and negative interactions in my adult life. But I have learned that I have to take ownership for my own behaviour and that regardless of what my upbringing was, I have a choice in how I relate to people. Honestly, this involves a lot of apologizing on my part and constant monitoring of my assumptions about other people’s motives. It isn’t easy, but I’m a grown-up now and I get to decide how much I allow my childhood to determine the course of my adult life.

    Please understand, I’m not suggesting that Mike just get over his issues and move on or whatever, but he is an adult and if he is still struggling with or being impeded by his negative upbringing, there are resources to help him deal with that. Yeah, it’s a lot of work and of course he’s going to slip up here and there. But based on what I’ve seen on the show, he isn’t even making an effort, he’s choosing to play the victim and retaliate by victimising others.

    <3, SuburBint

  45. 45
    BellicoseBaby
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 9:31 am

    @Suburbint – you sound like a very smart and resilient person who has great insight into a painful history. I know it takes a lot of work and self-awareness to get to that point. Some people take a long time to get there, it they ever get there. What impetus is there for someone like Mike to mature emotionally, when reality TV reward his bad choices and failure to evolve with more screen time/more money?

    And I don’t know the veracity of the stories about the violence and emotional abuse between his parents – although they seem substantiated – who knows? There does seem to be this theme of Mike needing to test people/test his prowess to prove that he is worthy of friendship and support. I think that is why the foil of Pauly, who seems genuinely confident and comfortable, exposes Mike’s vulnerabilities. I guess this is why I see him as a sad, almost sympathetic character.

    Also – and I think other commenters may have mentioned this – didn’t he seem coked up? Not just drunk, with all his repetitive, twitchy, narcissistic ramblings…

    Great recap, and hats off to you for your honesty!

  46. 46
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

    BellicoseBabe and SuperB, I’ll bet if there were a poll, most of us came from dysfunctional families. Well, I came from half of one. Mommie Dearest and one terrific, supportive dad. YAY! But I read that even Ozzie and Harriet weren’t really Ozzie and Harriet.

    Schitz may have had a crappy childhood (see above) but while that may explain his behavior it doesn’t excuse it. Reality tv exploits the negative (did that shock you?) and he runs with it.

    And, BB, he certainly has the money to buy the chemicals to give him the symptoms you mention, so you are most likely correct! Those combinations certainly don’t make him eligible for Ms. Congeniality.

    Somebody mentioned before how the future must be for these upstanding citizens. All the nasty things I did as a young’un weren’t done with a camera following me around (whew), but these people have it there for all the world and future generations to see. Wow. I’d sure like to be the parent of one, wouldn’t you?. No wonder Vinnie’s mother cried. She must be so proud. “Oh Shirley, my son, Vinny, is on the tv tonight. Why don’t you bring over some of your nice cannoli and we’ll watch together?”

  47. 47
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

    @ BB – Thanks. I know I got kind of rant-y, but it really irritates the poo out of me when people use a bad childhood as an excuse to behave like ginormous tools.

    I completely agree that Mike has no reason to try to change the way he acts when he is constantly rewarded for it with fame and money. And I can relate to feeling a need to test people and push the limits of their friendship/loyalty in order to prove that they really care about you. But Mike has crossed from “prove that you love me by not leaving me even when I behave horribly” into the realm of taking delight in watching other people squirm. He’s an emotional sadist, and that is why I can’t feel any sympathy towards him.

    I think it was SSC who said something about him being coked up in the minicap comments. He was super twitchy and hyper, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he had indulged in something besides alcohol while with his “friends.” It was way beyond his normal drunk behaviour, seemed kinda meth-y to me. I would love to know, that would actually explain a lot of his schizoid-ness.

    <3, Suburbint

  48. 48
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @ SSC – I wonder what is going to happen when/if these people breed. They will have absolutely no moral/ethical high ground to stand on when their kids make bad decisions. How do you help your kids make good choices about sex, drinking, responsibility, etc., when your every sexual encounter and drunken brawl has been not only documented for posterity, but was your claim to fame?

    <3, SuburBint

  49. 49
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Turkeys are so stupid they can drown in two inches of water. Any offspring of a Jersey Shore cast member isn’t going to do much better, so the problem of poor decisionmaking as a young adult probably won’t come into play.

  50. 50
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I’ve never heard Mike use the excuse about how he grew up to condones how he acts.

    He just seems like a person looking for attention but doesn’t care what he has to do to get it. He was mean and got attention he’s being nice but no one is acknowledging it so he’ll go back to being mean to get the attention that he craves.

  51. 51
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

    @NWMTV-I agree ‘DOSE SHOUTHIE MUTHAZ WOULD KICK DOSE KIDZ ASSESS. I would run for cover. God I hope they don’t go through with producing that show.

    @SSC, I read the same thing about the unit. I think he was arrested the first night of the family reunion if I remember correctly. You gotta know Schiz(?) is on the shhhh too.

    Dear LORD SuperB, look at this thread, you go girl! Way to breathe life into this dying show, well done!

  52. 52
    BellicoseBaby
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 11:46 am

    @SSC – you bring up a good point – about being surprised by reality TV exploiting the negative. My first thought was that nothing really surprises me much any more, but actually I am shocked by the extent of shamelessness the cast displays. I know there is a high degree of manipulation by producers to draw us into these “storylines” – but none of these people are talented enough to “act” to sufficiently camouflage their orange little souls.

    I still can’t believe the most compelling storyline was a urinary tract infection…

    And yet I watch!

  53. 53
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    @ Gypsy – Thanks for the props, but all I did was start the party. You guys brought the chips & dip, and dancin’ music, and Jello shots, and elevated this humble gathering to a bona fide shindig. Maybe even a hootenanny.

    <3, SuburBint

  54. 54
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    You recaps are so much more fabulous than the episode, SB!! I was reading about the movie Contact with Jodie Foster the other day, and how radio and TV signals travel through space. What would happen if the only signals an alien race received are Hitler’s speeches and episodes of the Jersey Shore? I almost couldn’t blame them if they blew up the earth..

  55. 55
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Gypsy– Schitz is short for Schitzuation: Schitzophrenic + Situation (prononunced Skits). Apropos, No? As was your comment about the depth of deprivation to which these monsters sink (with lotsa hep from the producers).

    We have commented about how their families, present and future, feel about watching them debauch on national television and how they will fare as parents. Ever wonder what kind of people raised them? Most parents (the ones that I know, anyway) want their children to act in such a way that shows the family in a good light. Even dysfunctional families want to be viewed as good and normal. We laugh at and are horrified by what we see. How can the cast go home and face parents, grandparents– the parish priest– after what we have all seen them doing.

    Hey! I have an idea. Tattoo a cross and/or references to God all over a body that does those things. Wow! I’m not even a Christian, or anything, but I know better than that. Luv, SSC

  56. 56
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    SSC, gotcha thanks!

  57. 57
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    @ CynTV – A) Thanks! and B) Yeah, that would pretty much guarantee the destruction of the entire human race. Although, if Jersey Shore is any indication of where civilisation is headed, we’ll all be dead of skin cancer and STDs (maybe electrocution, in Deena’s case) long before the signals can travel far enough to reach a sentient species.

    <3, SuburBint

  58. 58
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    @ SSC – Your comment reminds me of a girl I went to college with. She was a serious party girl, drank like Snooki, did tons of drugs, and would sleep with pretty much anything that had a pulse. She also considered herself a devout Catholic. One day I asked her how she could say she was a “good Catholic” when all she did was get frakked up and have (copious, irresponsible, and increasingly deviant) sex. Her answer? “I go to confession a couple of times a year, so I’m all good.” I don’t think how it’s supposed to work….

    Also, can’t help but wonder how much work the producers really have to do in order to make this particular show titillating. I imagine that about a week into filming the first season of Jersey Shore, the execs of 495 and MTV decided to just sit back and let our little orange friends self-destruct all on their own, with visions of dollar signs dancing in their (the execs’) heads.

    <3, SuburBint

  59. 59
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I know that there is no “t” in schizophrenia, but the spelling seemed to go better with “Situation” so I didn’t correct my spelling. In fact, I kinda liked it. One thing that I love about the Gasmii is that we play fast and loose with the language and only occasionally do we get slapped down.

    SuperB, the end of the world as we know it is actually pretty funny if we consider Poor Deena.

  60. 60
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    I love the word “hootenanny”.

  61. 61
    sardini
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I think their families are pulled in by cash money. I don’t know if I buy it, but these kids do seem to have a sense of giving back to ma and pa. But as I said during Rammi-Gate, no amount of money could make up for seeing a family member act like that on tv. I wonder if anyone’s family member sat them down and told them it’s not worth the money, they need to work on becoming a better person. My guess is no.

  62. 62
    SuburBint
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Okay, who’s going to put me out of my misery and explain Rammi-Gate to me? Cos I have a Smash recap to write tonight and don’t have time to catch up on seasons 2 – 4 of JS. My curiosity is killing me!

    <3, SuburBint

  63. 63
    Buffy
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 1:18 am

    @ Bellicosebaby – “I still can’t believe the most compelling storyline was a urinary tract infection…
    And yet I watch!”
    as great as the recap and the comments for it and the minicap have been, NOTHING sums up my feelings for this show than that comment. I ask myself “why am i watching this?” every single episode. I remember reading (in Newsgasm, i believe) that this season was gonna be all about the fun. Well, for me it’s been all about the gross. In a few episodes, these people have done more disgusting and filthy things than i did in my active addiction, and i was (among other things) a crackhead. In crack houses, some with liquid and solid human waste on floors, walls, furniture.
    These kids are just disgusting and i really do feel sorry for them. Who is going to hire them when this Jersey Shore ship has passed? Can you imagine any of them making it in the real world? They are seriously limiting their future options here. I hope they are saving some of the scratch from the show.Especially the girls because they are too old for Teen Mom.

  64. 64
    jerseyj
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 7:12 am

    @Suburbint, I believe other commenters are using “Rammigate” to describe the generally disgusting relationship they had in the Miami season through the Italy season (sorry I dont’ know the Season numbers). Basically it was an abusive relationship where a roided up Ronnie and Sammi constantly verbally abused each other (and bordered on physical abuse)and yet stayed together. There were beds thrown out windows, personally property destroyed (Sammi’s glasses I remember in particular), pushing, screaming, etc. I wouldn’t recommend watching it, it wasn’t very entertaining. As a survior of an abusive relationship I found it particular difficult to watch.

    I’m SHOCKED they haven’t fought this season. Ronnie must be between ‘roid cycles.

  65. 65
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Hey now. I don’t think it was ever proven that Ronnie was on ‘roids. He might just be an inhumanly over-muscled dude with intense emotions who tends toward violence as a coping mechanism.

    Love, don’t judge!

  66. 66
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 7:54 am

    NWMTV, now I don’t want to be judgey or anything *smirk* but I’m sure that when over-muscled Rawnie punched out that random guy on the sidewalk and got his butt arrested, he was simply using violence as a coping mechanism.

  67. 67
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Oops. Forgot to add, Luv, SSC

  68. 68
    SuburBint
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 8:02 am

    @ Buffy – Kudos to you for getting out of that life. I have to say, at least addicts have the driving force of their addiction to account for their disgusting and reprehensible behaviour. I live in a town that has about 47,932,801 rehab facilities, and in my early twenties virtually everyone I was friends with was a recovering addict. Regardless of how much and how often they drink, I really don’t think that any of the Jersey Shore cast are true alcoholics. Binge drinkers? Absolutely. Alcoholics? Not necessarily. They have a choice about the way they behave, and sadly they choose to act like hyenas, except I’m pretty sure hyenas have better personal hygiene.

    @ jerseyj – Thanks for the Rammigate info. BTDT myself, don’t need to watch it.

    @ nwmtv – It is so comforting to know that you can always be relied upon to provide a loving and compassionate perspective. HA!

    <3, SuburBint

  69. 69
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 9, 2012 at 8:21 am

    For the love of Xenadrine, Rawn was on a cycle! Yeah I said it.

    SuperB, they were the worst codependent couple you’ve ever seen times infinity and we had to watch that crap for 3 seasons. Rumore has it they almost got fired over it. Rawn flipped out one night destroying all Sammi’s shit. She lost it and went home only to come back 4 days later. No bueno

    Vinny actually said in one episode “This is what hell must be like.” And Pauly agreed. Unless you watch that’s basically it IMO.

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