I’m so sick of people who make proclamations about people who watch Jersey Shore. They say that we must be idiots, have no lives and have low IQs. However, these same mouth breathers watch sports, CSI and were pissed when Cop Rock was cancelled. These kids aren’t here to be role models anymore than CSI is there to show us how to commit crimes and get away with them. Jersey Shore is edu-tainment. This week alone, I learned 25 things from this episode and am here to share them with you now. But first -
Gratuitous Pauly shot.
Going to work with a hangover is not good. Deena and Ronnie are a mess the morning after Snoonni-gate. Pauly, as usual, is just fine. I don’t get it…this kid is always fine after a night out even though everyone else is a mess. Just another reason to love him I guess; he’s alcohol proof. The boss makes Deena clean the bathroom but it makes her wretch. I guess that’s why Marco only let her clean it on one condition.
She had to wear gloves to avoid contaminating the toilet.
Good fathers will take your side when you call them and yell hysterically. Snooki was so upset the morning after Jionni left that she dragged herself to a bar to drown her sorrows in beer and house music. She would have gone with Jenni but she’s too busy passively aggressively ignoring Snooki because she’s upset that Snooki yelled at her for not being there for her. The best way to resolve that issue is to…not be there for her. After treating the restaurant patrons to a tirade about men who can’t handle untamed coochie to the tune of “Party Rock Anthem,” she goes back to the house and calls her dad. How do you tell your dad that your boyfriend left because you lifted your dress over your head while doing dirty dancing in public? You don’t. You just start yelling like a crazy person. Snooki randomly starts yelling that Jionni should be with her, he’s not and she doesn’t know why he’d leave. Her dad asks why he left but editing or his parental instincts have him ignore that and jump to the defense of his daughter. He says that Jionni was not right for leaving her. Jenni comes out of the bedroom and Snooki yells at her for not being there for her. Jenni’s reply: I was tired. In other words, Jenni saw the hate in Snooki’s eyes and realized that the only way she could continue to milk this cash cow was to kiss the Donnette’s ring and get back into her good graces. Jenni goes in for a hug and hopes that Nicole will still let her be in her spinoff.
“Can someone pick me up and put me on a stool please?”
These girls are starting to be an embarrassment to Jersey. Yeah, I said starting. They used to own their trashiness but now they are trying to cram their trashiness into shells of decency and it’s ruining what I love about it. Snooki is lamenting the trash box that she is and says that she has to change herself to get married and she hates herself. No relationship should make anyone feel like that. I remember feeling like that over one guy and I was a weeping, miserable maniac for about a week. When we finally spoke, he could have had me back in a heartbeat. However, when we talked about what transpired it was a real life Ross and Rachel “we were on a break” moment. When I realized that he wasn’t going to take any responsibility for being a jerk, the tears stopped and I realized I didn’t need that crap. I was about Snooki’s age so it makes sense when I can look at it through that lens. However, I was making $22,000 a year with a degree and no idea of where I was going or how to get it done. She’s worth ten times that amount and could have Jionni killed for a small fee. F*ck him and move on to John Mayer or Adam Levine! I hear they’re true gentleman.
When you have an upset friend who wears hair bows at age six, call her mom. If she’s 23, call her boyfriend. Jenni catches up with Jionni and he says that he has already left Florence. Jenni begs him to talk to Snooki and while he’s reluctant at first, he agrees to speak with her. She gets on the phone with him and he says that he can’t see her because of what she did to him. He says that he is already in Rome on a train.
Sam and Jenni will never really be friends. As Snooki says that it’s over with Jionni and she doesn’t care, Jenni tells her to stop “being Sam” right in front of Sam. Nice.
Jenni really hates Sam. They find out that Jionni is lying and his midget ass hasn’t caught the train yet because the conductor didn’t see Jionni’s little lizard arms waving him down. They get ready to go meet him at the station and Snooki says that it sounds like Jionni is at a bar. Jenni tells her to stop talking like that and then straight up calls her Sam. Sam, who’s fully accepted her role as the idiot doormat, totally agrees with the jabs and says that Snooki is being the old Sammi. The Sammi of one whole week ago!
These kids are really kids. When Snooki gets to the train station, Jionni says that he cannot stay because his mommy already paid for and changed his flight. If he was my kid, that little asshole would’ve stayed in Italy and played with his balls as per the original itinerary. First of all, he’s adult enough to go to another country, bang a girl on TV and leave her in a club but he cannot make his own flight plans? Loser. Additionally, he’s pretty much solidified the fact that his parents will hate Snooki forever. One of the major rules of being in a relationship, at least among my friends, is you NEVER tell your parents about the really serious fights you have with your partner unless you are 100% breaking up because then they will hate them. Long after the two of you have had make up sex, parents will still remember that thing he/she did, how upset you were and they will never truly like you or want you in the family.
Snooki: Wait. You mean to tell me that I wore my very best old lady glasses’ chain and this isn’t convincing you to stay with me?! You’re such a jerkoff!
Jionni: My mom’s making Stove Top tonight! Who’s the jerkoff now? And then we’re gonna drink Sunny D, not that purple stuff.
Snooki: You’re drinking blue stuff now! What’s the difference you asshole?
Jionni: I’m drinking Ron Ron juice. Someday I’ll be big and strong.
Snooki: That’s milk that does that you dumb ass. Ron Ron juice will make you bleed out of your ass and verbally abuse your girlfriend!
Jionni: More than usual?
These kids are so bored when no one is fighting that they resort to doing silly things. Pauly D and Vinny decide to pile all of Deena’s belongings onto her bed. Unlike a few weeks ago when they put her bed in the living room, Deena thinks that this is funny. The guys make her take all of the stuff off of the bed and of course a couch falls on her. When Deena goes into the bathroom to confront him, a nude greased up Vinny humps her out of the door.
The only way she’s getting any action in the house.
Couches are heavy but might be more comfortable than a park bench. Just a tidbit for Deena’s future housing plans.
That night at the club, Snooki dances with a fellow whilst choking him because she wants to party but also wants to kill. I saw a porn like this once. It didn’t end well. Deena chooses this time to tell Jenni that she thinks she is pregnant. Jenni is pissed that she’s become the Ann Landers of this season but immediately leaves the club and takes her to a haunted house to get a pregnancy test.
Creepy Person in Hole in the Wall: What’s the password?
Creepy Person in Hole in the Wall: Aah, yes. The CDC has told us so much about your kind.
Don’t ever get a pregnancy test in Italy. Jenni has to literally talk through a hole to get the test. This place looks like a guy with a hook for a hand will answer the door. Then again, that could actually work out well for Deena and her possible situation.
Creepy pregnancy test stores are easier to find than train stations in Italy. These same people did not know where the train station was earlier but they found the all night pregnancy test factory with no problem.
No one has keys to the house. Every time someone gets to the house, they have to ring the bell. Deena and Jenni have to be buzzed in by Mike. What happens when no one is there? Are the crew members the only ones with keys?
When you’re trying to keep a secret in this house, give out the dumbest answers possible. When Jenni and Deena get back to the house to take the test, Mike asks where the girls went and they simultaneously give different answers until they agree on the best one. They say that they went to get “a food.” Not just food but “a food”. If they’d said that they went to get “a book” I’m sure that Mike would have been speechless for the next 18 minutes and the episode would have ended with them all quivering in separate corners of the house in shame. Just to make doubly sure that no one suspects anything, the girls announce that they have to “pee so bad.” That’s sure to explain the trail of tears and urine that will soon be leading out of the bathroom when Deena finds out that she’s with meatball. It’s a great cover since a trail of tears and urine usually leads away from Mike’s bed.
Deena is not the mother! I was looking forward to seeing the first case of Sudden Infant Fist Pump Syndrome but I’ll have to wait until Mike impregnates Snooki. You can get pregnant through the mouth right?
Snooki resembles Kermit and Miss Piggy’s first born.
“It ain’t easy being green Jionni! And it ain’t easy being half pig!”
Jionni cares way too much about his image. When he finally gets home and Snooki calls, he tells her that no one will respect him if his girl acts the way she does. He goes so far as to say that she was acting like a pig which is eerily coincidental considering who her biological parents might be. Also, I would have murdered that kid if he used that word to describe me no matter how he meant it.
Jionni has a point. Snooki is complaining that she’s been depressed the entire trip because of him and he’s not allowing her to be herself. He says that he’s not holding her back because she’s making out with girls and getting drunk every night of the week. Again, he knew what he signed up for so I must take that point back. Snooki tells him not to call for a few days and hangs up on him. Score one for the frigs (frog+pigs)!
Ronnie’s an asshole. I mean, we already knew this but it’s worse now. He says that he would have never “let” Sam leave the house in the outfit that Snooki was wearing the night of the fight. Snooki was wearing a hot pink, animal print mini dress. On the night of the Mike/Ronnie fight, Sam was wearing an animal print mini dress that Ronnie purchased for her. Okay. Sam defends Snooki’s dress as being hot. Deena doesn’t think that Jionni should be mad because he was in the Jersey house and knew “what it was”. Jenni inexplicably has a glove on and is proclaiming Snooki’s right to be hot. Later on she has a bandage on; I hope she hasn’t come down with creepy Michael Jackson disease already.
“Sam, why are you flapping your big, dumb gums and not making my protein rage shake?”
Karma is anywhere you want it to be. Not the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence which decide their fate; the nightclub Karma. Pauly takes out his DJ equipment and recreates Karma as per Snooki’s request. She says that her life would be great if she could just be at KArma. All the girls wear animal print, Deena falls and Mike sits in the corner like a creep. Aaaah, it’s nice to be back home. Snooki flirts with Mike and even lets him remove her shoe. You know a man like Mike has to have a foot fetish; he’s just so creepy. That being said, you can definitely see how the two of them could have hooked up a few months before. He and Snooki walk away from the party and Deena and Jenni follow them presumably to avoid another hook up that will result in subsequent denials from Snooki and dirty stories from Mike. Jenni presses Mike as to why he wants Snooki so badly and he says that he loves her. He also says that he can take care of her like no one else can. Okay, my panties just involuntarily dropped. At this point we know that Mike is worth $6 million or so. Snooki has a couple million but damn, as independent as I am, I would drop that independent woman shtick for a house in the burbs and a Benz. I’d also have to take every antibiotic known to man for the remainder of my life but it’s $6 million + we’re talking about!
Snooki still loves Jionni. As she reassures Mike of their friendship only status, she finds out that Ronnie kinda encouraged Mike to fight Jionni. Snooki is mad but I’m not sure why. This is the perfect time to dump him; the roomies don’t care for him too much anyway. Maybe she’s pissed because the fight would have resulted in Jionni finding out about her affair. When she confronts Ronnie, he says that he doesn’t want to deal with that. What an asshole! After everything that he’s put the house through with Mike and Sam, he doesn’t want to get involved in something? I think I hate him more than Sam this episode and that’s saying a lot!
Everyone hates Mike. They’re annoyed that he told Snooki what Ronnie said. The roommates jump on him for that and then Jenni says that Snooki chose Jionni over him anyway. Of course this makes Mike defensive and he pulls out the whole, Snooki gave me head while she was with Jionni card. They’re all pissed off at him for telling what is apparently the truth because no one denies it so they do what they do best. They all get into their respective beds with their clothes on and provide sad montage time.
I secretly still love Vinny and openly love Pauly to the max. Kids say that right? To the max! After the drama of the night, everyone’s favorite oompa-loompa, Deena, tries to get into bed with Pauly but he rejects her nicely enough by saying that the bed is too small for her Crisco thighs. Interestingly enough, when Snooki gets into Pauly’s bed, he welcomes her with open arms. I think that the original roomies still feel closer and more familial with each other than with Deena and Pauly knows that Snooki can keep things moving. Deena will never let go or get over anything that might happen and Pauly is smart enough to avoid it. He can also see so that works against her too. Snooki was a better alternative than Deena and he took advantage of it. What Pauly wasn’t banking on was Snooki being a great friend to Deena and volunteering to get into bed with Vinny so Pauly can be with Deena. Pauly is not happy that he got pimped but because he doesn’t want to hurt Deena’s feelings too much and he’s trying to help Vinny get laid, he lets Deena in bed. Vinny calls Snooki out on the pimpage but is definitely happy to have her in the bed. And then, he makes me fall in love all over again when he asks Snooki if she’s still with Jionni. I could be wrong but I thought that was sweet. He has enough respect for himself, her and/or Jionni, to find that out first. Then he asks for a kiss. Awww, it’s not just banging! Pauly on the other hand, is trying to get Deena out of his bed. She’s not taking the hint at first but then she finally does and all is well on one side of the room. Vinny and Snooki are writhing around under the covers and I am clapping and giggling like a little school girl. There’s just something about her that I like and something about the two of them that I love. I have issues.
So there you have it; 25 things we learned on this week’s episode of Jersey Shore. And they say reality TV is for idiots. I’d like to see someone learn this much from Meet the Press or Sesame Street. Not. Gonna. Happen. Oh damn. Okay, it’s only 23 things. I had 25 but I think my dog ate the last two. Geometry is for losers anyway. So what do you say? Did Jionni overreact? Do you like Vinny and Snooki together? Anyone else think that Deena made up the pregnancy story so it would seem like someone has banged her in the last 5 years? Tell me more, tell me more!