Jersey Shore Recap: Control the Crazy, aka I Guess My Friend Michelle Watches This?

While Deena’s parents do the dip out of the Shore House, the rest of the roomates are at Karma.  Mike’s hitting on girls, and pretty much doing everything that you’re only happy to see your man doing if you’re a 56 year old swinger who lets her husband lure in some strange for the night.  Jenni calls him out on it, announcing, “He has a girlfriend,” to the third or fourth chick we see close talking and rubbing up on him.  Apparently this is called ‘sneaky dickings.’  Learn something everyday, right?  He tries to explain that since he’s sober now, he just needs to play the game at the club and see what he can pull.  ”Run, Paula,” I whisper to my TV.  ”Run like the wind.”  They’re all pretty sure Paula will find out about this – Seaside’s a small town.  

Vinny is looking to break his celibacy, and he finds a girl.  They exit rather suddenly when Ron announces that he’s got to go home.  Must be time for a turkey burger marinated in Russian steroids.  They get home, and are happy to see Deena there.  Vinny and Pauly take their ladies to their room and even Pauly’s getting his Midnight Special, Vinny’s lady friend turns her back and goes little spoon on him.  He’s totally disappointed, though it never occurs to him that perhaps not all women have low enough self-esteem to bone someone both on camera for an MTV show, and in the same room where not 20 feet away, some other one night stand is shakin’ down.  Vinny later cams to us that his right hand is his favorite skank.  I had a boyfriend who called his right hand Maggie.  True story.  

Morning.  GTL.  Grocery store.  They’re going to have a rooftop picnic!  And it’s 20 minutes into the episode that we first see Snooki!  Snooki arrives, and belches.  Money really can’t buy you class, can it.  They look like they’re having fun, and these are always cool scenes.  We even get an over-head of Deena slicing a big hot dog, while Pauly makes wincing noises, and all I can think of is that awesome scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when Jennifer Jason Leigh and Phoebe Cates are chopping up the pepperoni.  

You need a sharper knife if you want to make it hurt.  That’s what I hear anyway.   

The subject of Mike macking at the club comes up, and he acts surprised when the girls tell him that it is definitely against the rules to grind up on chicks that aren’t your girlfriend.  His act goes so far for him to exclaim, “but I really l’care about her!”  Jenni busts him out that he almost said he loves her.  He is maybe one of the most insecure people on TV.  He could use a spin in the Starting Over House, or maybe a really good Barbara Walters interview.  He admits that he did almost say he loved her, and Vinny takes it to ‘sex on the rag.’  It’s what?  25 minutes in?  I need a shower already.