Jersey Shore Recap: Control the Crazy, aka I Guess My Friend Michelle Watches This?

Awkward, Vinny awkwardly whispers.    

Sam says that if she was Paula, she’d have hit Mike upside the head with her clutch.  It was pretty mean.   He seriously needs to chill, or consider acting like an adult… heck, I don’t know.  Ask Prudence!  But pull it together, Man.  Game face, bro.  You are never going to recover from being known as Captain Dick, and you’ll someday end up on Celebrity Mole with Vern Troyer and Tamra Barney if you don’t grow up, pronto!

The only situation here is that Mike Sorrento is Captain Dick.

Once they leave for the club, Ron and Sam break it down for Snooki that what Mike said was so mean.  Have they been doing intensive therapy?  They almost sound like healthy people.  It’s kind of creepy.  Snooki somehow manages to roll-bounce her way to standing, and bids farewell, with a classy admonition to “have fun having sex!”  Just turn a hose on me, like they do after Warrior Dash.  I am covered in the slime of this show.  Snooki closes the door, and Sam belches.  Screw you, MTV.  

At Karma, Mike does the dip on Paula to go get in on the MVP Antics, meeting girls.  I swear there’s like a line to meet them, or something.  Ladies, please go do this with a band or something that’s actually cool.  You do not want their herpes, you really don’t.  Jenni likes Paula, primarily noting that Paula must be good people if she likes Mike, because he is difficult to like.  Amen, sister.  Paula does the non-crazy thing, and leaves her man alone, but keeps an eye on him.  Always keeping an eye, according to Jenni, who approves whole-heartedly.  

The girls are partying, and the Next Big Thing approaches from out of nowhere.  Grandma.  She starts grinding on them, and then Deena gets her to Jersey Turnpike.  Grandma pitches forward, and Deena thinks she may have accidentally pushed down this old lady… but THEN… Oh man… THEN… I could not believe it, either… THEN.  Grandma stands on her head, and starts breaking.  It’s crazy!  Crazy awesome!

If being on The Soup was on this Grandma’s Bucket List, she done good.

 They leave rather suddenly, when Ron probably starts to feel like he’s gonna hurl.  Hitting the living room for a group hang, they goof with Paula about her butt pads.  She’s in on the joke, if not making it herself, and she’s clearly not embarrassed.  She takes it up a notch, telling some seriously dirty jokes, and then demonstrating something called carpet surfing.  I can’t.  I can’t do it.  Still not sorry.  I’ll need to shower with Dawn, like the little baby ducks in the aftermath of an oil spill to really get all the grease off.  Mike is at the living end, and it’s clear to the gang that it’s curtains for Miss Paula!

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