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This week takes the scripted cake. From the first scene to the last, very little seems authentic except for the fact that the whole house hates Mike. Snooki’s ego or brattiness is out of contorl and Jenni seems to be reading from cue cards and grinning at the camera as if to say “you see what I just did there? ” I’m a little disappointed but that won’t stop me from watching and overanalyzing this unnecessarily.
I like how they’re showing before and after pictures of the cast.
Snooki wakes up in Vinny’s bed the morning after she “broke up” with Jionni and starts zipping around the house like a rabid squirrel. She wakes up Jenni because she needs to talk and Jenni immediately tells Snooki that Mike once again spread the hook up story around last night. Oh, and Jenni had the nerve to ask Snooki where she was because she waited up for her all night. Let’s see, there are 8 people living in a one floor apartment with 27 cameras yet Jenni had no idea where Snooki was. I believe that about as much as Snooki believes that she did not have sex with Vinny; she always wakes up feeling like she just gave birth to a smoked salami.
Snooki, AKA the worst liar known to man, starts yelling out “crazy pants!” instead of handling the situation like someone who did not give an aging reality star a head or whatever the kids call oral sex these days. Remember on “The Hills” when Lauren left and Kristen took over and we were supposed to believe that she was hooking up with Justin Bobby? I don’t, I stopped watching but that’s what I heard.
I’m starting to think that this show has traveled down the same road. Although I believe the Mike story, what are the chances of him getting up at 7:30AM, fully dressed and going into Snooki’s room because he hears yelling? There’s always yelling coming out of Snooki’s room. And weeping. And gnashing of teeth. And the unauthorized scalping of leopards and cheetahs and zebras, oh my! But a little “crazy pants” chant rouses America’s everyman from slumber? I think not.
“Hey girls. I’m just up doing my sunrise tai chi. What are you talking about?”
“Everyone is telling me that you were talking about me. I won’t say who told me but I’m gonna point my finger in the direction of my roommate and best friend just for kicks.”
Mike is annoyed that Snooki keeps denying what happened so he calls his friend Unit to confirm what happened. The first few times I heard his name, I was hoping that I heard it wrong but no. His name is really Unit. Actually, The Unit. Mike gets him on the phone but The Unit doesn’t really confirm anything. He just laughs at the fact that Mike put Snooki on blast while Mike fills in the blanks. I’m trying to figure out two things: why is Snooki dragging Ryder around as her bang buddy and why were Mike and Snooki in the room with them when they were doing sex? In answer to your question, no I am not trying to figure out why a grown man is named The Unit. I’m sure he’s a very successful air conditioning repair man.
At breakfast, Snooki at least has the decency to thank Jenni for being there for her. She tells Jenni that she doesn’t remember having sex with Vinny and then drinks two mimosas.
Jenni: Thank you for being a drunken whore. You don’t know what this means to my bank account!
At the house, Mike hatches a plan to catch the rat in the house. I’m confused. The whole house knows about the blow job incident already so what exactly is he trying to find out? Is he trying to figure out who told Snooki about what he said the night before? If so, I’d be willing to hedge a bet that it was Jenni; the only person who was also awake at 7:30AM and who is Snooki’s “best friend” and sat there guiltily while Snooki and Mike yelled at each other that morning as they were the only people awake in the house!! But what do I know? The girls leave for breakfast and can it be? Is Angelina in Italy?
Her luggage is in front of the house.
Mike lies and says to Ronnie that he is going to have The Unit call Jionni and tell him everything. It’s kind of sad to watch the way everyone interacts with him. They don’t. Ronnie just grunts occasionally and inserts a rectal tampon without ever really responding. Funnily enough, when he tells Deena and Sammi about what The Unit is supposedly going to do, they come right out and say that they will tell her and leave for work.
“Haha! Wait…that’s not how that was supposed to go.”
I hate to admit it but Sam is a much better person these days. Anyway, Snooki and Jenni left the restaurant and are painting the town dumb. They spot a nun and Snooki doesn’t combust into flames like you’d think. She chases after her and the nun hauls ass faster than a priest at a Chris Hansen autograph signing.
How much you wanna bet that this is really a bank robber dressed up as a nun?
Jenni, who can not be called JWoww again until she squeezes her boobs together or rips someone’s head off, is tagging along with Nicole throught the city. She looks miserable and I get it. It’s annoying to go along with your friends every whim especially when their whims are acohol, crotchless cartwheels or initiating the first annual running of the nuns. They end up stopping at a bar that has a 20 gallon, 30 year old bottle of wine for sale and Snooki has to have it. The only problem is that the bottle is the same size as her and she as a hard time carrying it through the cobblestone streets on her carry on luggage so it falls and breaks. I can’t figure out if it’s funny or not. On the one hand it’s hilarious that she spent a lot of money on this wine that’s older and taller than her but on the other hand it’s sad and wasteful because it could’ve been prevented. Much like Snooki’s conception.
Sam, Ronnie and Deena arrive home after work and Sam immediately tells Snooki what Mike said about having The Unit call Jionni. Snooki, never content to just break one bottle a day, throws champagne bottles and other assorted objects at Mike. She’s not a complete maniac though because she stops after only causing moderate damage and finally asks why he had The Unit call Jionni. Mike says that he didn’t do anything and finally Vinny is able to make Snooki realize that Mike was lying about the whole incident.
“The Unit isn’t an air conditioning repairman?”
As the group sits around and hears Snooki’s cries, they start to feel bad. Mike defends himself by saying that he had to do this to prove that people should talk to him first before believing what they ear. Good point I guess but really bad planning, execution and resolution. They wasted good champagne on this BS lesson.
RIP Champagne. Your memory will live on in hip hop videos and pretentious society functions.
The next day, the boys go to Sicily to meet Vinny’s family and the girls go to a wine tasting. One of the girls takes Nicole toast in the morning to make her feel better and she takes it with no problem. However, when Jenni tries to wake her up, she tells her to shut up and is really mean to her “best friend”. Jenni remains friendly and says that Snooki is being really mean to her but she just continues being nasty. I remember way back in episode one or two, I called some of this distance between them. I don’t know if Snooki’s ego is out of control or if she’s just one of those peope who takes others for granted on a regular basis but she better cut this crap out because it’s not currying any favor amongst the public. She’s also pissing Jenni off on a regular basis.
At the wine tasting, Jenni says that Snooki needs to move on from Jionni because she will never be forgiven. Jenni also says that Snooki was not really in love with Jionni because she would have never gotten into Vinny’s bed. Snooki is mad that Jenni is telling her the truth and gets upset. Apparently Jenni’s definition of the truth is a little different than mine. She asks Snooki if she wants her opinion or the truth? Isn’t that the same thing? It’s like asking if someone wants the facts or undisputed evidence or if someone wants wine or the fermented grapes? Snooki claims that she got into Vinny’s bed because she wanted things to be over in her relationship and she takes Jenni’s reality check as Jenni not being there for here.
As usual, the boys are eating lots of food with Vinny’s family. I can’t even keep track of everything that they are eating but I know a blurred out Coca Cola bottle when I see one. It’s nice, warm and drama free so let’s get back to the wine tasting.
The girls are still on their drunken wine tour and Snooki makes a small comment about the fact that maybe Jenni shouldn’t have more wine and Jenni, who is fed up with Snooki’s antics, says that she’ll “air it all out” and says that Snooki has been lying to the whole house. Snooki’s passive aggression was uncalled for but so was Jenni’s active aggressive response. I suppose there’s only so much Jenni can take though. Snooki says that Jenni should have sugar coated the truth about her fate with Jionni so that she could be happy. What happened here? Relationship Snooki is an entitled little bitch. Did I miss these signs the first three seasons? Everything is all about her happiness and how she should be treated and what’s not fair to her. F*cking get a clue girl. Life isn’t fair, your happiness is not number one on everyone’s agenda and you can’t get away with anything and think your pocket sized body will get you an automatic excuse.
Snooki calls her father and says that she misses Jionni. Her dad says that he changed his facebook page to single. I. Love. It. When your freaking father is passing on facebook gossip, you know our entire country is headed for the apocalypse. Snooki decides to call single Jionni and ream him out for changing his status while breaking the news about getting into Vinny’s bed the previous night. She calls Jionni and he says that he doesn’t want to speak to her. He starts yelling at her and says that she broke up with him which crushed him. Mind you, he left Italy over her dress lifting incident and called her a pig but somehow he’s managed to make all of this her fault and she’s accepted it which is becoming really common among these so called Jersey girls. She ends up telling him about being in Vinny’s bed and he is really angry. She says that they “were on a break”. That didn’t work for Ross and Rachel and it certainly won’t work for their stumpier and greasier version: Jionni and Snooki.
The next morning, Snooki calls Jionni again and she tells him that Vinny only fingered her or something like that. I tried to figure out what would fit into “he only __ me.” Jionni reveals that he will give her another chance. In other words, Jionni’s been having orgies with truck stop hookers and snorting blow in the restroom of strip clubs for the last month that Nicole’s been gone and he won’t hold this minor thing over her head. When the boys get home, Snooki asks Vinny what theyactually did and Vinny tells her that she kept asking him to f*ck her so he did. She calls Jionni back and tells him that they had sex but we have to wait until next week to find out what he is going to say. I wish I coud say I cared.
Is Snooki out of control in every possible way? Is Mike relevant at all anymore? Has Jionni been cheating the entire time? Does anyone really care?! I long for the days of a good old fashioned Ron and Sam smackdown. At least we knew were we stood…in the corner and out of the way of any furniture lest we become victims of roid rage.