Previously on Jersey Shore: The other girls are skeptical of Joey’s intentions regarding Deena; Joey is kind of an ass-hat; Mike’s plan to blow the whistle regarding Snooki blowing his whistle continues to be thwarted, most recently by One Inch getting arrested for being a drunken idiot; Jionni turns up sans Snooki, providing Mike with the opportunity he’s been waiting for, backup be damned.
Aww, they’re all so young and fresh-faced in the intro credits! Hard to believe that was only what, three years ago? It’s like watching a president age — no one should gain that many years facially in that short of an amount of time.
We return to Mike and Jionni in the kitchen, Mike having just asked Jionni if he can speak to him out on the Pee-io. “It’s kind of private,” says Mike, so it’s just going to be the two of them, a camera man, a producer, a boom mic operator, and anyone with access to MTV and/or the internet. Mike tells Jionni that he’s going to try to make this as quick and painless as possible.
Dear Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, and any saints who might be listening: Please don’t let Mike be hitting on me! Sleeping with Snooki is traumatizing enough, and this was not in my contract. Sincerely yours, Jionni
Mike then proceeds to embark upon a bizarrely vague and non-confrontational confrontation in which he never alludes directly to the sex act which was supposed to have taken place, nor does he exactly confirm that the sex act did take place. To wit: “Like, a couple months ago, right before we went to Italy, like, um, you were still going out with Nicole?” (Jionni nods) “I don’t know if you heard the rumors? About me and her? Well, like, as a man? Like, I want to tell you… it did.”
Dude, I’m used to you not making sense, but you’re making even less sense than usual.
“I would want to know if something like that happened to me. My boy Unit was hooking up with Ryder, and all of a sudden Nicole walked in, and she saw them… it was really quick, but I’m being honest. I wanted to tell you. I mean, do you respect that?”
If I say yes, does that mean you’ll stop talking and I can go back to sleep?
“Because like, between me and you, you know, as, like, a man, you want to know, ‘Hey, did this happen or it didn’t?’ However you want to take it from here, you take it, and you act on it. You understand?”
Jionni finally calls a halt to this stream-of-consciousness confession/confrontation/whatever the hell it is, shakes Mike’s hand and thanks him. Mike again encourages Jionni to act on it in whatever way he feels is best, which Mike clearly hopes will involve screaming and crying and Snooki and Jionni breaking up for good, but he of course fails to spell that out.
In an interview, Mike tells us, “Another man tells you that your girl cheated on you and you say nothing at all? That’s ridiculous! That just shows that you don’t care about her.” Which, point taken, but what did he want Jionni to do? Because if Jionni was going to blow up about it, odds are pretty good that the person he would blow up at, at least in the immediate stress of the moment, is Mike himself. So what it really comes down to is, does Jionni a) not care, b) already know and has made his peace with what happened, or c) not believe Mike?
The boys go back inside, and Jionni crawls back into bed beside Snooki. “I’m laughing about something,” he tells her. Sleepy Snooki doesn’t respond, so he pokes her and says that he has to tell her something.
“He told me you guys hooked up, and it’s not a rumor, and it’s true,” Jionni continues, and Snooki rolls over, considerably more awake now, and says, “What?!” And it’s not a panicky, “oh shit,” damage-control, “What?!” it’s more of an amused/bemused “What?!” She asks what Mike said, and Jionni repeats that Mike told him that they hooked up and it wasn’t a rumor. “I’m not going to deal with that right now,” Snooki says, cuddling back up with her stuffed alligator. Jionni tells Snooki that he doesn’t care, he didn’t believe Mike.
“He should believe my story, because I’m telling the truth,” Snooki interviews. Back in bed, she tells Jionni that Mike is “annoying for doing that.” Jionni tells her that he was laughing the whole time, and Snooki responds that Mike was just trying to get a rise out of him. “He’s a fucking loser,” she groans. I have to say, this whole thing is playing out much differently than I expected it to. Didn’t Snooki cheat on Jionni several times while they were in Italy? And didn’t they almost break up because of it? So why does Jionni not believe Mike, when he knows that Snooki is capable of cheating, and why are they both being so mellow about this whole thing? Jionni must have known that Mike was going to do this, and he and Snooki must have dealt with it already, away from the cameras, because this response is so strangely cavalier.
Waking-up-tage. Mike is lurking in his bedroom doorway, just in case Snooki is standing outside with a meat cleaver.
She may be little, but she’s feisty!
Also, why doesn’t anybody ever think to look up?
Downstairs in the kitchen, Sammi comments on Snooki being up early. Apparently “early” for Snooki is 11am. “Jesus take the wheel,” Snooki mutters, as she stomps to a living room mirror to do her make-up. She just wants to spend some time with Jionni before he goes.
Mike has made it out of his room, and is now crouched on the stairs, brushing his teeth surreptitiously, still waiting for some sort of fallout from his conversation with Jionni.
Seriously, what does he think is going to happen?
Ronnie needs to go upstairs, and he and Mike go into the bedroom, where Mike once again checks carefully outside the doorway just in case Snooki has turned into a ninja. (Spoiler: she hasn’t.) They make their way out to the Rooftop Patio of Sorrow, and Mike gives Ronnie a play-by-play of his conversation with Jionni, which bears little to no resemblance to the actual conversation that we just saw take place.
Ronnie’s interview version of the story Mike told him is my favorite version yet: “Good morning, Jionni, how ya doing? Bacon, egg, and cheese? Your girl blew me. Okay, awesome.”
I’m going to ruin your relationship, but I’m also making you breakfast.
Sammi joins Mike and Ronnie outside, and Ronnie tells her that Mike told Jionni what happened. “I just saw Jionni and Nicole and they seem fine,” she says.
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Sammi asks Mike what Jionni said after Mike told him. “He thanked me, and he shook my hand, and he said ‘I respect you, and I agree with you.’” Has Mike legitimately forgotten that the entire exchange was filmed? Or is he really that far removed from reality that he honestly doesn’t know what just happened? Because, except for the handshake and a quick “thanks” (which was Jionni’s way of getting Mike to STFU) none of those things actually occurred.
Sammi interviews that she thinks it’s weird that Jionni didn’t react. “If my boyfriend heard that news, he would be bugging out,” she says. A year ago, your boyfriend would bug out if you bought the wrong brand of fabric softener, Sammi, so I don’t think we can really use Ronnie as our standard by which to measure appropriate responses, but thanks for playing. She questions whether Jionni really does care about Snooki. Ronnie, however, thinks that Jionni must not have said anything about it to Snooki yet, since nobody is screaming or throwing things.
Snooki is gluing on her eyelashes when Mike, Sammi, and Ronnie start coming back down the stairs. Jionni quietly tells Snooki not to say anything, and she immediately calls Mike something that gets bleeped out (your guess is as good as mine.) “I didn’t do nothing to you,” Mike responds as he walks into the kitchen, which, again, is patently untrue. Jionni gripes that he told Snooki to keep quiet, but she ignores him again, telling Mike, “Just to let you know, I’m never going to be friends with you again.”
“I didn’t do anything to you, Snooks,” Mike protests. “Really? You just told my boyfriend that we hooked up a month before Italy,” she reminds him. “I can’t look your boyfriend in the eye and take shots and be friends knowing that that happened,” Mike explains, as Snooki keeps telling him to go fuck himself and Jionni keeps telling her to shut up. This would make a fantastic opera.
IL SITUAZIONE THE SITUATION
Devo essere onesto perché io sono un uomo I must be honest for I am an honorable
d’onore. Non posso sopportare che il tuo amante man. I cannot bear that your lover, Jionni,
Jionni non conosce la nostra indiscrezione. La does not know of our indiscretion. The shame
vergogna è troppo per me! is too much for me!
Vaffanculo, figlio di puttana, io cazzo ti Fuck you, motherfucker, I fucking
odio e voglio che tu morire. hate you and I want you to die.
Maledetto, bambina, essere fresco. Smettere Damn, baby, be cool. Stop talking so much!
di parlare così tanto!
Mike tells Snooki that she’ll thank him at the end of the day, because now there’s nothing to hide. “There was nothing ever to hide, you psycho!” she replies, and I have to say that I believe her. I’m not saying that I don’t think she and Mike hooked up, but I think that if they did, she and Jionni have already discussed it, dealt with it, and moved on from it. Because I don’t think Snooki is good enough of an actress to respond this calmly otherwise. Yeah, she’s cussing and stuff, but she really isn’t that worked up.
“I’m sure in a couple weeks we’ll make up, and be friends,” Mike says, but Snooki tells him that actually, they will never, ever be friends again, because she wants him to go die and rot in a hole. “That’s not very nice, Nicole,” Mike reprimands on his way out to the Pee-io. As soon as he leaves, Jionni pipes up: “I told you not to say anything!” Snooki interviews that Jionni is very conservative and quiet, but she is going to tell people how she feels, and right now how she feels is, “Fuck you, get away from me.” She starts hurling pickles at Mike across the dining area, and Jionni again tries ineffectually to get her to stop. “Don’t throw those pickles, they’re fresh!” Mike adds.
Oh, that reminds me, I’ve been meaning to tell you guys! Apparently pickles and pickle juice are really good for when you have a hangover, because they rehydrate you and are high in electrolytes. So that explains both why Snooki is such a pickle fanatic, and also why she’s so very rarely hungover.
“Jionni is so understanding about Mike saying, ‘Oh, yeah, I had sex with your girl, blah blah blah… Jionni knows that it’s not real,” Snooki interviews. So now that the morning’s (extremely lackluster) drama is over, they can go about their day, which involves going down the boardwalk to Jimbo’s and presumably consuming copious amounts of intoxicating beverages.
Once Snooki and Jionni are out of the house, Mike sits down at the kitchen table with Vinny. “So, I did something this morning,” he says. Vinny asks what, and Mike says that Jionni was in the kitchen by himself, and he went up to him and gave him “blow-by-blow details.” Vinny wants to know what Jionni had to say about the whole thing, and Mike tells him that Jionni shook his hand and said he appreciated it, and that Snooki actually took it pretty well too. “She was like, ‘Fuck you, I hate you.’ She threw a couple things at me, but nothing hard.” My standards for taking something well either need to be lowered, or Mike’s need to be raised, because right now they are not even in the same time zone. Pauly asks if Snooki denied it, and Mike replies that she didn’t disagree.
Pauly points out that Jionni’s probably thinking (although he won’t admit it because he’s a… pussy?… something bleeped) that he doesn’t care who Snooki’s banging because he’s banging tons of people on the side too. That’s a theory that we’ve certainly discussed in the comments; my only quibble with it at this point is that if that’s the case, where are the girls selling their stories of torrid monkey sex with Jionni to the National Enquirer? Ronnie interjects that they all know Jionni isn’t really staying home six nights a week, or if he is it’s because he’s at home screwing other girls those six nights, and the other guys agree. If Jionni doesn’t care, though, then why did he have that hissy fit in Italy and get his mom to fly him home early? And more importantly, why am I spending so much time and energy speculating on why he does or doesn’t care and exactly what the rules are in their relationship regarding monogamy?
Pauly interviews that he’s sure the reason Jionni wasn’t upset is because “he’s doing the same damn thing. Their relationship’s a joke.” He’s absolutely right about one of those things, and probably right about the other. I find it interesting that they announced their engagement and Snooki’s pregnancy just days before this episode aired. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
“They’re meant to be,” Mike tells the guys. “He took it on the chin just like she did.”
Oh, no you didn’t! Now say something else bitchy!
Jionni walks Snooki home, and she tells him that she wants to be with him forever. “If you can handle me forever,” she qualifies. They secret-handshake their goodbyes, and she tells him she’ll see him tomorrow. “Me and Jionni are getting married, I feel, when he proposes,” she tells us. That is generally how it works. I’ve yet to meet a couple that got married before someone proposed. “I don’t know when that is, but he better do it, like… within the future,” she adds. Great news, Snooki! Jionni proposed! Oh, and also, you’re pregnant. Just thought you’d like to know. MTV must have shit a brick when Snooki’s US Weekly cover came out. Jionni kisses Snooki goodbye, and she hollers “Love you!” after him, then complains that he didn’t grab her boob.
Pauly is riding the mini-motorcycle on the Rooftop Patio of Melancholia — thankfully, he seems to be immune to its curse, and does not lose control of the bike, go plowing through the railing, and die of a broken neck on the boardwalk below. Thinking about it, I suppose the odds are fairly good that Stalkerella would have been lurking outside the Shore Store as usual, and she could have broken his fall. Pauly D, the fates smile on you even in my imagination. Lucky bastard.
The roommates gather for Sunday dinner, and Snooki announces that she has a great idea: “We should all go camping on Wednesday!” That is a great idea, especially after your fishing trip was such a success.
The rest of the cast thinks that sounds fun, except for Pauly and Vinny, who tell them to go enjoy themselves. “Guidos don’t camp. I’m not a camper, I never camped before. But the summer’s almost over! I
think it’s a crazy idea but the the producers just promised me a bonus and I think that it’s worth $5K to say that it would be fun to do something totally out of our element,” says Snooki.
After everyone except the Bromance Brothers agrees to go camping, Snooki and JMomm start throwing little bits of food across the table at Pauly and Vinny to punish them for being spoilsports. Next thing we know, food is flying everywhere, but it seems to be dying down until Mike grabs a handful of potato salad and chucks it across the table at Snooki, JMomm, and Deena.
So now we can add mayonnaise and vinegar to the list of things Snooki smells like.
“Okay, it’s on like Donkey Kong, bitch,” Snooki interviews. Snooki picks up a large wooden bowl that was on the table and hurls it at Mike, who jumps out of the way and hightails it outside. “We just cleaned!” JMomm moans. Grabbing a ketchup bottle, Snooki leaps up on the table and scampers across it, then realizing that her primary target is out of range, takes a moment to regroup and strategize, finally deciding on the potato salad as her weapon of choice. JMomm, meanwhile, is already cleaning up.
Just look at this mess! I swear, all I do is pick up after you people! I don’t know why I even bother, ungrateful little brats!
Outside, Snooki is slowly and deliberately pacing towards Mike with the carton of potato salad as he warns her to stay back, a squirt bottle of mustard in one hand, and a cigarette in his mouth. She begins whipping handfuls of potato salad at him and he retaliates with the squirt bottle. “The food fight is not fun anymore,” Vinny tells us, “it’s personal.”
I’m sorry, can we just take a moment and revel in the beauty of the fact that it is now Mike who is squirting? Let’s all giggle about it, and call our friends, and tell them all about it in a super-sneaky evil way, ‘k?
Mike runs back into the house, and Pauly leaps to defend his shoes. Snooki is like, scary calm throughout this entire fight. She’s moving very slowly and intentionally and honestly, Mike should be worried. It’s like she’s past the point of rage and has entered that super zen state where everything becomes perfectly clear and logical, and the clear and logical thing to do is to kill your opponent. Like in season 4 of BtVS, when Buffy decided that her college roommate was evil and needed to die.
Except Buffy was absolutely right. Wait, why am I saying “except?” Team Snooki!
Snooki tells Mike to come back outside, and interviews, “I’m gonna fucking kill Mike because he’s rude, he’s untrusting, and he’s just a douchebag.” Mike stands behind the sliding glass door, squirting mustard at Snooki who is standing on the other side of the Pee-io table. “Oh, that’s scary,” she says, and again why is she so calm?! She is freaking me out a little bit. He comes outside, and she starts chasing him all over the Pee-io.
“It is definitely getting serious between me and Nicole,” Mike tells us. “Just the look in that girl’s eye…” You know, out of context, that sounds like they’re in love. Until Mike adds, “She looks like she has the look of the devil.” You should know, Mike, considering what you see in the mirror every morning.
As Mike runs back up the outside stairs, Snooki goes to the fridge in search of new ammunition. She grabs a gallon container of milk and heads back outside. “Nicole is not having fun,” JMomm interviews. “I know it’s gonna get ugly. She’s ready for war.”
On the Upstairs Patio Where Dreams Go To Die, Snooki asks Mike if he wants some milk. But she’s calling him Popeye. Does she not know that Popeye likes spinach? Is Popeye’s kryptonite milk? Or is she calling him Popeye because of his enormous arms and unattractive face? So many questions! She splashes milk at Mike while he continues to squirt mustard at her. He interviews that she’s just trying to push his buttons, as per usual. “You know what, I’m not taking it, you’re taking it,” he says. “I can’t hear you, your mouth is full,” he tells Snooki. “Kind of like another time.” Snooki argues that she likes Jionni’s cock, not Mike’s, to which Mike reasonably retorts, “What about Vinny?”
I’m just gonna stand here and listen to you talk about my penis. My mighty, mighty penis.
“All of sudden, my dick gets brought into the conversation,” Vinny interviews. “What the fuck did we do?” Yeah, pretend like you were offended.
Mike and Snooki continue to shout over each other regarding who Snooki cheats with and when and why, and who has the best penis out of all of the penises.
JERSEY SHORE THE OPERA: ACT TWO
IL SITUAZIONE THE SITUATION
Tu sei una puttana sporca, e il mondo intero You are a dirty whore and the whole world
sa. Non posso credere che ho sprecato il mio knows it. I cannot believe that I wasted my
seme virile su una donna indegno. manly seed on such an unworthy woman.
Il vostro pene è piccolo e pieno di malattie Your penis is small and disease-ridden,
o almeno così mi è stato detto. Inoltre, sei or so I’ve heard. Furthermore, you are an
un uomo cagna fastidioso. Inoltre, la mia annoying man bitch. Also, my reputation
reputazione è pura come la neve. is as pure as the driven snow.
Il mio pene è scintillante e magico e insieme My penis is sparkly and magical and together
cambieremo il mondo, una lesbica alla volta. we will change the world, one lesbian at a time.
Recognizing the fruitlessness of a verbal argument with Mike, Snooki decides to retaliate in an unexpected way. “I’ll show you how it’s done,” she tells us, and we see her running up the stairs into Mike’s bedroom. She flops down on his bed and starts rolling her ketchup, mustard, potato salad, and who knows what else covered body all over his bedding. Then she starts head-banging, whipping the condiments out of her saturated hair and all over Mike’s pillows.
I’m sure Mike has wanted to get Snooki in this position on his bed for quite some time, so hooray for small victories!
Mike stands in the doorway, exclaiming “What are you doing?! Get out of my bed!! Oh My GOD!!!” He threatens to do the same to her bed, but we all know that’s not really a threat for Miss Urine Soaked Mattress, 2010, over here. The argument moves to the living room, where the rest of the roommates are sitting around, watching the fight much as if it were a tennis match. Snooki starts yelling at Mike about how he had no right to say anything to Jionni, and Mike retorts that he felt bad letting Jionni buy him shots and acting like they were friends with this dark secret hanging over his head. “Then why didn’t you tell him in Italy when you first fucking saw him?” Snooki screams. Valid question, but let’s not forget who we’re dealing with here, Snooks. “So I’m lying? I’m lying?” Mike asks, and Snooki never says that he is. She does say that Mike is the worst friend she’s ever had, and the rest of the conversation is so bleeped out that I can’t make out what either of them is saying.
“I’m fucking done with Nicole’s games,” Mike interviews. He feels confident that he’s won this battle.
“What do you guys think really happened?” Sammi whispers to Deena, Pauly, and Vinny. “I dunno,” the boys chorus diplomatically. “Who do you believe?” Vinny intones, and then immediately interviews that he believes that Mike is telling the truth and Snooki is lying, because liars get pissed when they’re caught in the act. And innocent people get pissed when they are lied about, so that’s really not a sound argument for believing Mike. Regardless of what happened, after ten episodes of build-up this season, Mike finally had his big show-down, and we can all move on with our lives now.
It’s the next day, and it is the Meatballs’ last day of work at the Shore Store. I wonder if Snooki will work at the store next season, or if she’ll beg off due to being pregnant? I’m guessing the latter. Deena interviews that it’s sucky that this is her last shift this summer because she had fun at the Shore Store. As the Meatballs and Ronnie leave for work, Snooki says that she feels like she still smells like ketchup. On the plus side, it does look like she washed her hair.
“Ya screwed me over all summer, why change things today by coming in late? I really appreciate it,” Danny faux-bitches outside the store. Ronnie interviews that the last day of work each summer is like “Senior-itis; you don’t want to go to class, you don’t want to do anything.” How much do you want to bet he doesn’t use the right cover sheet for his T.P.S. reports?
At work, Snooki asks Ronnie if he’s excited about camping, and he says that he is. “Pauly’s not down for it,” she says. Of course he isn’t, how is he going to be able to maintain his blowout while camping? Pine resin?
“Camping to me is marshmallows, ghost stories, and drinking.” Snooki interviews. “And, like, axe murderers in the woods.”
Axe murderers, schmaxe murderers, we have private security.
Snooki and Deena start making a list of everything they’ll need on their camping trip, including such crucial items as hair gel, spray tan, and bronzer. “Oh my god,” Ronnie interviews, “I don’t think these girls can deal with camping.” Maybe Sammi will get her hair caught in a tree branch and she’ll start shouting, “My hair, my hair!” and Deena will think she’s screaming, “A bear, a bear!” That would be brilliant.
“A bahn-jo,” says Snooki. “Bang-go?” “Banjo!” her Meatball supplies, and they add it to the list along with, “Toilet paper. A lot of it.” “If I have to pee, I’ll just go in the lake,” Deena says.
Just don’t pee in the Amazon. Ever.
Danny says goodbye to the Meatballs and Ronnie. “I know us Meatballs weren’t the best to him, but it’s sad to leave Danny. He’s a nice guy,” Deena says. Don’t worry, Deena. I’m sure that thanks to you and your roommates, Danny’s set for life.
Deena rings Joey up via duck phone, and basically asks him out on a date. “I wanted to know if, like, you wanted to come down, get a bite to eat, go on the boardwalk?” When I was a pretty young thing, my parents had very, very strict rules about calling boys: namely, you never call first, and you don’t call him more often than he calls you, which I thought were completely oppressive and archaic at the time, but now I realize that they were helping me to keep from coming across like Deena. So thank you, Mom and Dad. But your “no longer than 10 minute conversations” during the golden age of call-waiting was still lame.
Deena interviews that she thinks her roommates gave Joey a bad rap, and she wants to give the kid a chance. Oh, Deena. Deena, Deena, Deena. Just, no. Joey does agree to come down to the house, and as Deena hangs up Snooki asks, “Who was that?” Deena doesn’t answer, but Snooki keeps pushing. “Dee? Are you guys going out tonight?” Deena gets all defensive and says that they’re just having fun, and Snooki says that she is just being a concerned girlfriend. “I love Deena to death, and I don’t want her to keep seeing this guy if he’s just using her for sex,” Snooki interviews. “I don’t want her to get with an asshole.”
Jionni has come to the house, and it is unusual to see him two days in a row. He and Snooki have some sweet, “we’ve been dating for a while and are comfy with each other” smoochies, and then they leave. Deena interviews that it sucks being the only single girl. “I guess right now I’m, like, rushing myself into a relationship, because I’m surrounded with couples!”
You see what you did there? That’s called “introspection,” and it’s a useful habit. Keep up the good work!
“I dunno, I like doing my own thing, I like having fun, but it’s like, I’m kind of getting tired of being single.” Deena is making me sad again! She’s totally one of those girls who will settle for a sucky boyfriend just for the sake of having one, and that’s a crappy way to live. Don’t settle, Deena! Being single and occasionally lonely is way better than being in a couple and constantly miserable.
JMomm pokes her head into the Bromance Bedroom to notify the occupants that Deena asked Joey out. “SHE asked HIM on a date?!” Vinny asks. “Deena, sit down here, ya little bitch!” It’s like My Two Dads, except more verbally abusive! “We gotta talk to you,” Pauly says as Deena sits down on Vinny’s bed, and the boys start grilling her about her plans for the evening. “What’s this about you going on a date? Who are you going on a date with?” Vinny keeps calling her bitch, which is not nearly as endearing as he thinks it is. Pauly’s, “First of all, you ASK us if you can go on a date,” is completely endearing. “Exactly, you ask him, then he asks me, then I tell you!” Vinny chimes in. Shut up, Vinny, Pauly’s doing just fine on his own. Also, you’re a grown man wearing a T-shirt that makes your torso look like Ernie from Sesame Street, that’s not exactly authoritative garb. Anyway.
“This is not the right kid for you, stop wasting your time!” Pauly barks. “Why is everybody so… fricking… annoying?” Deena asks, but she has a huge grin on her face; she’s clearly loving the attention. She also appears to be trying to eat her lipstick tube. “He’s already on his way here,” she adds. “Who? The kid that you said is not doing this for the right intentions?” Vinny asks, and Deena says that she doesn’t know that…. JMomm, who has been watching this entire exchange from the doorway, says that they’re just looking out for her.
“I feel like everybody’s like, ‘Oh, I don’t know about this guy,’ and I’m just like ‘What the hell am I supposed to do?!’”
You don’t understand! You’ve never felt the way I feel!
Vinny gets up and leaves saying that if that’s how she wants to take their help, then fine. Pauly yells something incomprehensible, and Deena laughs that she understands about “this kid.” “It sucks, the only guy that I ever liked here, everybody is just so against,” Deena tells us. “If even Pauly and Vinny are coming up to me about this kid, something’s not right.”
Back in the Bromance Bedroom, she asks Pauly what she should do. “If you need me to step in, I’ll step in,” he assures her. “I’m gonna tell him you have feminine troubles and can’t go out.” Deena giggles, “NOOOOO!” and pushes Pauly in that girly-flirty way that girls push boys when boys are being dumb. That would probably work, though. Most guys are skeered to death of uterine issues.
Snooki and Jionni come in, and Snooki is carrying a big-ass bouquet of flowers. The duck phone starts quacking. “Pauly!” Deena yells, “pick up the phone!” “Okay!” and it’s Pauly D to the rescue. Deena sits beside Pauly on the beanbag chair and the rest of the roommates assemble in the living room to listen to the conversation, which goes as follows:
Joey: Yeah, is, uh Deena there?
Pauly: Who’s this?
Joey: Tell her Joey’s outside.
Pauly: She can’t come out tonight. She’s sick.
Joey: I drove all the way out here, are you serious?
Pauly: She feels very bad but she can’t come out, she’s sick.
Joey: So that’s it? I should just go home? That’s it?
Pauly: That’s it, my dude.
Joey: This is a fucking joke. *CLICK*
Pauly hangs up the phone, and relays Joey’s final words to the rest of the house. “If he really cared, he’d be like, ‘Oh, I feel so bad, does she need anything?’” JMomm says. She thinks any decent guy would have offered to bring some chicken noodle soup and a soda on the side. That’s actually exactly what my diet consists on every time I get sick. And MisterBint brings me fresh soda from the fountain at the corner store. He’s a keeper!
The camera shows Joey, still outside, making another call on his cell, and sure enough, the duck phone quacks again. “It’s your turn!” Pauly chirps to JMomm. “Do I keep it nice?” she asks. Deena wants her to call him out.
Deena interviews that she’s starting to get upset, and she knows that if she talks to Joey herself, he will sweet-talk her into going out.
JMomm answers the phone: “Hello?”
Joey: Yo, are you… like, why didn’t you tell me on the phone you’re sick, like…
JMomm: This is Jenni, actually, not Deena.
Joey: Oh, Jenni, I’m sorry. I got your voices mixed up.
JMomm: No, but she is sick. But, wouldn’t you think you would offer, I don’t know, chicken noodle soup or medicine or something rather than saying it’s a joke?
(Pauly, in the living room: Busted! Big time, you’re dead.)
JMomm: I am just looking out for a very dear friend of mine who’s my baby sister, and when I smell, you know, a snake, I call him out on it.
Joey: Well, listen, what am I gonna do, I –
JMomm: We’ll wait and see if Deena gets better, but I don’t think she is. She’s on to the next one, so take care, enjoy your summer, have a blast.
She hangs up the phone and asks, “Was that mean?” Mike, who totally has a raging drama boner, tells her it was awesome and she did a great job. “Now he’s dead,” the roommates agree.
Pauly is rounding up the cast to go to Aztec, but Ronnie interviews that he doesn’t “like sweating that much” outside of the gym, so he, Sammi, JMomm, and Deena are going to Jimbos instead. Deena asks Snooki, who is snuggling on the bed with Jionni, if she is coming out with them. “I could really use you tonight, Nicole,” Deena says. She interviews that she is feeling upset about the whole Joey thing and really needs her Meatball, but instead of being supportive, Snooki just wants to stay home and have sex with Jionni.
Awww, what a cute couple, with a completely healthy and not at all dysfunctional relationship.
“It kind of hurts my feelings,” Deena continues. “If I need you, be there for me! I’m there for you, always!”
“MVP’s killin’ it right now at Aztec,” Pauly tells us. “Just like old times. Fist-bumping like crazy, girls all over the place — MVP’s back in action.” A girl tells Vinny,
She should have seen his Ernie shirt!
Meanwhile, Mike is talking to a girl who just told him that she is newly single as of that very day. “So you’re ready to get out of the cage!” Mike replies. “A beautiful girl comes up to you and says, “‘My boyfriend of nine years just cheated on me and I want to fuck you,’” Mike tells us. “Well guess what? I’m down!” He tells her that this is the best revenge she could ever get. Not really seeing the logic there, but that might just be because I am firmly of the opinion that anybody who sleeps with Mike is only hurting themselves.
At Jimbo’s, Deena and JMomm are sitting out on the patio together. Deena is complaining about how Snooki won’t hang out with her if Jionni’s around. JMomm agrees, she misses their Tuesday “Girls’ Night”s. “Tonight I needed her!” Deena says. “I’m upset, I’m embarassed!” JMomm tells her that she should never be embarassed. Deena gives a tearful interview about how much she misses Snooki being her partner in crime.
“One Meatball stands alone.”
Pauly interviews that Vinny must be feeling hungry, because he brought home a biiiiig snack — referring, of course, to the girl that Vinny picked up, who isn’t that big at all, she just isn’t a walking toothpick with boobs — so Pauly decided to “back up [his] man” by bringing home an extra girl in case Vinny
comes to his senses changes his mind.
“I choose to stick with the thick girl instead of the cute girl that Pauly brings home, because hot girls are boring a lot of the time. They sit there, ‘I’m hot, I don’t have to do anything.’ I want some variety in my diet.” Vinny tells us. HATE. (Although I have heard the same thing about hot girls from other sources. But still. HATE.)
The next day, Jionni and the MVP girls walk-of-shame away, while the roommates get ready for their camping trip. “We’re going camping! Woooo!” Snooki sings. Pauly doesn’t think it’s such a great idea for guidos to go camping, with the no mirrors and no bathrooms and sleeping on the ground. He is going to stay home where he can and his blowout can live in the style to which they are accustomed. The others are packing, and they really are sticking to necessities, like blow-pops and condoms and shampoo. Also, their suitcases would hold a week’s worth of my clothing, exactly how long do they think they’ll be out there?
Snooki shows us what she plans to do in case they encounter a bear:
“And then he won’t see me.”
If these people weren’t constantly supervised by a camera crew, they would die. Horribly.
Vinny is peeking out the window, and once he’s sure that the others are really, truly gone, he turns to Pauly and says, “Our plan worked!” It’s sweet that they wanted to spend a romantic weekend alone, but couldn’t they have gone to a B&B or something? “Let’s turn this place into something different,” Pauly suggests. “Little did they know,” Pauly interviews “that Vinny and I just wanted the house to ourselves because we’re gonna prank the shit out of them.”
“This has to be the prank of all pranks. The master prank. The big prank,” Pauly tells Vinny. “The biggest prank we ever pulled in our life.” Vinny suggest moving the whole outside inside, and the whole inside outside. “Turn the house inside-out, literally.” He interviews that when he and Pauly do a prank, it is elaborate, like building a house. The boys realize that they are going to need some assistance with this plan, so they go down to the Shore Store to see if Danny wants to help.
“We want to get them back for everything they’ve ever done to us, and we know they’ve done some stuff to you, too,” Pauly wheedles. Danny says he’s definitely in if it’s against the Meatballs.
The camping Guidos have to stop at a sporting goods store, because of course they don’t have tents or sleeping bags, or anything else that is actually useful and/or necessary when going camping. They pull into the campground, and drive past all the RVs to a secluded campsite in the middle of the woods. Deena is nervous because they are “legit in the woods. On dirt. With bugs. This is really not what I was expecting.” I would love to know what she was expecting. I really would.
Sammi suggests putting the tents up, but Snooki thinks they should mix some drinks first. Mike actually does start putting his tent up, and then does an obligatory talking head about how it “takes a lot to pitch [his] tent. It’s pretty big.”
Way to sell the lie, Mike.
Surprisingly, Mike is the first one to get his tent up, and JMomm isn’t far behind. Ronnie and Sammi are struggling to get theirs together. “I’m from the Bronx, okay?” Ronnie interviews. “The closest I see to people camping outside are homeless people.” That was insensitive and funny.
It’s prank time at the shore house, and Pauly and Vinny have like spreadsheets and checklists and diagrams. Pauly tells us, “This prank isn’t a simple prank. This prank is going to take some work. Some hard work. But it’s worth it.” He and Vinny start moving the smaller pieces of furniture out of the house and distributing them between the Pee-io and the Upstairs Patio of Pranky Goodness. They can’t move the hot tub inside the house, so they decide an inflatable kiddy pool will make an acceptable replacement.
I have never seen two people work so hard to NOT make eye contact.
In the woods, Mike and Ronnie are building a fire. After putting some logs into the fire pit, Ronnie holds a bottle of lighter fluid at groin level and sprays it over the logs in an urinating motion. “Ewww!” the girls squeal appreciatively. He stops the stream of liquid and then shakes a couple of drops out before closing the bottle. Mike lights a piece of kindling on fire and tries to drop it into the fire pit, but it bounces off the logs and almost lands on Ronnie’s foot. “I feel like we’re going to blow up,” Sammi says. With those two geniuses in charge of the fire, that’s a valid concern. “That could have been dangerous,” Snooki adds.
Danny has arrived at the house, and he brought some help. Vinny answers the door, “Welcome to prank wars, how can I help you?” Danny is amazed at how quickly they were able to clear the house out, and he brought some astroturf to spread on the living room floor.
It really ties the whole room together.
Pauly interviews that they’re going for shock factor. “You’re gonna see a hammock in the living room, you’re gonna see a pool in the living room, you’re gonna see that your bed is upstairs. And then, when you walk into your room, we didn’t just take half your stuff. We made your room completely empty.” Pauly really throws himself into everything he does; let us all hope that he continues to use his powers for good instead of evil.
Danny and his assistants are leaving, and Danny tells the guys that he wants to know exactly what happens, so they have to come by the store and tell him how things played out. Or he could just wait and watch the actual video footage when the show airs. Pauly and Vinny tell the confessional camera that the victory for the prank wars is theirs. “Not bad for a DJ and a couple of T-shirt pressers,” Pauly says.
The sun has set, and Mike is attempting to feed a rather large leafy green branch to the fire. “That’s not going to burn,” Ronnie tells him, but Mike is determined that it will.
If Mike now takes his shoes off because “God told me to,” is that sufficient grounds to have him committed to a mental institution?
Mike interviews that he’s fascinated with fire, danger, and risk, and we see him spraying lighter fluid on the branch, trying to make it burn faster. “I feel like that’s a tree that’s alive,” Snooki says. Mike tells her it isn’t, and she points out that it still has green leaves. Mike is still dousing the branch with lighter fluid, a look of intense concentration on his face, and Deena interviews, “Mike won’t put down the freaking fire. He’s, like, one of those people — a hermaphrodite or whatever it is.” Deena has made some blunders with the English language in the past, but confusing “hermaphrodite” with “pyromaniac” is awe-inspiringly bizarre.
Now that half of New Jersey, as well as parts of Pennsylvania and Delaware have been put on high alert for forest fires, Mike begins pacing around the periphery of the campsite in an agitated manner. “Are you in your paranoid state, Mike?” JMomm asks. Mike interviews that anything could happen in the woods, “I mean, Jason could come out, anything!” At the campsite, Mike is sweating profusely and even Deena notices that he’s acting weird. He tells them that he feels like someone is about to pop out of one of the tents and he keeps hearing noises. “…Cos we’re in the woods?” JMomm asks. She interviews that Mike is being so paranoid that he’s making her freak out too. He climbs in his tent and peeks out of one of the little window flaps. “This is the wilderness, okay. A bear could come out, anything could happen.” Not anything, Mike. Not you acting like a calm, rational, mature human being. “Guidos don’t belong in the woods!” he finishes.
Mike zips himself up in his tent, and JMomm tells the Meatballs, Sammi, and Ronnie that before they get too drunk, they should talk about what’s going on in the house. “What’s going on in the house?” Snooki asks. Deena explains that she misses their Girls Nights and that even though she and Snooki still have Meatball Days, sometimes she feels like she’s lost Snooki. “I miss all you girls, cos the three of you have boyfriends,” Deena says. In her other life she can go out with her single friends and they all do the same thing, but at the shore, it’s completely different. Ronnie asks a stupid boy question, not realizing that this conversation isn’t about fixing the problem, it’s about sharing emotions. Go in your tent, Ronnie, this conversation will only confuse and frustrate you.
Deena goes on to give Snooki an example of the other night when they were at the club, and as soon as Jionni got there, Snooki stopped dancing with Deena and gave all of her attention to Jionni. JMomm interjects that she doesn’t like being typecast as not being able to have fun and do her thing just because she has a man. Oh, honey. There’s a reason we call you JMomm now.
Deena says that if she had a boyfriend, she would want their relationship to be like JMomm and Paul Bunyan’s (why?!) but her main concern right now is that she feels like she lost her Meatball. “You didn’t lose me, I’m in love! I’m sorry, but don’t make me feel guilty for that!” Snooki retorts. “I’m really happy! And nobody can say otherwise! I’m happy!” And super defensive. She interviews that she knows what Deena is going through, and it’s jealousy. Deena tells Snooki that she’s not trying to make her feel guilty, and Snooki interviews that she’s torn because she really wants to be with Jionni but she’s upset that Deena is sad. “What the fuck do I do?”
“I guess the point being,” says JMomm, bringing the conversation back to herself, “everyone thinks me and Nicole have changed.” Deena says that regardless, Sammi is there, even though the two of them fight like a fucking-whatever. Sammi smiles and chirpily says, “Fuck you! I fucking hate you!” and everybody giggles and they start braiding each other’s hair.
It’s morning, and their campsite is completely trashed. Deena climbs out of her tent and complains about the bugs. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Mike says. Deena interviews that camping is actually a lot of hard work. “I thought it was gonna be fun, but no.” Mike is trying to get her to help him pick up the campsite, but she keeps freaking out about all manner of creepy crawly things. I wonder how she would feel if she knew that, no matter where you are on the planet, there is at least one spider within 10 feet of you at all times? JMomm finds a spider on her shirt that she left outside, and asks Mike to get rid of it for her. “Come on, Jenni, I just cleaned this whole place,” he whines. She says all she wants is the spider off her clothes, and he says all he wants is to get out of there.
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.
She plays the mom card, “I pick up every day at the house,” etc., and Mike says that fine, she’s tired, whatever, she doesn’t have to help. He is all hopped up again, ripping tent pegs out of the ground like they said something bad about his mom, and bitches about how only two people are helping him clean and pack up. He really is bad at living/working/playing with others, isn’t he? I’m pretty sure nobody asked him to be Captain Clean-up. Ronnie interviews that as they’re winding down to their last few days together, he feels like they’re all just sick of each other. They get in the SUVs to leave, and Deena says that she’s never going camping in a tent again. “Or with Mike,” JMomm adds.
Vinny and Pauly are sitting in the kiddy pool in the living room, awaiting their roommates arrival home. I love how involved the producers had to be in this prank, communicating when they were getting close to the house, etc., so that the Bromance Brothers could be ready and waiting.
The water wings really are the perfect finishing touch.
Pauly tells the confessional camera that the others are going to flip out when they get home, because they put the outside inside, and the inside outside. “I told ‘em not to go camping!” The SUVs pull up outside the house, and people are moaning about being tired and needing showers. “This is it, don’t get scared now,” Pauly tells Vinny. I’m sure he’ll be fine as long as you’re by his side, Pauly. “This is what warriors are made of, right here,” Vinny says.
Snooki walks into the house, and there’s a beat of silence before she yells, “What is this?!”
Next time: The roommates react to the prank, some better than others; Vinny continues LesbianQuest 2012; the roommates leave the shore house.
So tell me, ‘Gasmii — why is it that I can forgive Pauly for everything that he says about women, when I continually want to kick Vinny in the nadgers? I’m starting to feel badly about it (the forgiving part, not the wanting to kick part.)
Finally, as I was writing this recap, carol posted a link to an article about Deena’s recent facial work. This is what our lonely Meatball looks like now:
I love the hair color, but she looks like Anjelica Huston and Kim Kardashian’s love child.
She also lost some weight, and maybe had her breasts reduced? Anyway, I think she looks awful, especially because Deena has some serious potential to be gorgeous all on her own. Hard to believe, I know, but she has fantastic bone structure, and every so often on the show, she’ll hold her face a certain way or a certain expression will cross her face and you can see how pretty she really is (or could be.) I’m guessing that if she had lost five to ten pounds, which would have taken just a bit of the roundness out of her face, that natural beauty would have exploded. This was the best example I could find off the top of my head:
I swear, sometimes when I look at Deena, it’s like she stepped right out of a Renaissance painting. And then she ruins it by saying something….
I really, really hope that none of these changes are due to actual surgery, and that once the botox and fillers absorb or wear off or whatever it is that they do, she will work with what genetics gave her and not do this to herself (or us) again.
So that’s it for now. I’m working my ass off to get all caught up, so stay tuned for the finale and reunion episode recaps, coming soon!
Thanks for reading!