Jersey Shore Recap: Guido Problems

The conclusion of Jiooki/Snionnigate 2011 takes place on this episode. I’m sure that you are all on the edge of your pepperoni sticks waiting to find out what happened. Brace yourselves, it’s going to get predictable and dumb.

Snooki is on the phone with Jionni and tells him that she actually had sex with Vinny but she explains that it’s not her fault because she just found out herself.

“I didn’t know I had sex until I smelled my finger.”

Jionni can’t believe that after he gave her a second chance that she’s asking for a second second chance. He really loves her fame and money but isn’t sure that he can give her another chance without drawing it out for an entire episode in order for him to get more screentime.

You know it’s getting serious when the hat gets turned sideways.

Jionni is upset and says that she doesn’t know what this is doing to him. She doesn’t know what’s running through his head and his stomach right now. I do; marinara sauce and midget blood. They get off the phone and Snooki tells Vinny that they are working on things.

Wanna work on my dick?

Uhhh…..

“Jionni, I have to tell you something again…”

The roommates are coming to the end of their time in Italy and Snooki once again tries to get Deena and Pauly to do sex.

“Hey Pauly, you wanna do sex while my flower watches? There’s plenty of bra fat to go around.”

“Not if I have to smell ya.”

Pauly plans to bring a girl home that night so that Deena doesn’t end up in his bed. I don’t get why she will not take no for an answer. When a guy rejects you, espeially a Jersey Shore guy, that says a lot about what he thinks of you. Every girl in the house has hooked up with a guy in the house except for Deena. Okay, Mike did kiss her last season but that was to get her to stop talking after she forced herself into the bed under the guise of having a threesome with him and Snooki. She just can’t take no for an answer. Is she really that unattractive? I mean, she has some interesting features but she’s not that bad. Is she?

Pauly D: Hey, random guy. Please come home with me and have sex so I won’t have to do Deena.
Random guy: What will Vinny say?
Pauly D: Good point. I’m screwed either way. 

I love the fact that at the club Pauly is trying super hard to get a girl to come home but can’t. One girl almost made it but she got cut because she wanted to touch his hair. Maybe there is something more to that Vinny “friendship”. No one in the house wants Pauly to have sex with Deena and that says a whole lot! Even Sam says no! Deena is apparently aware that this matter is up for a household vote and proudly announces in front of everyone that she’s a good f*ck.

“Don’t do it. She’s only taken five showers since we got to Italy. Also, this is my face in five years. Know that.”

It’s not Deena’s fault she hasn’t showered; it’s a Eurpean thing. Surprisingly, Pauly still was not convinced to do sex to Deena. The next morning, Sam fills all of the girls in on what happened and Deena repeats the mercy line that Pauly threw at her last night. He told her that if they were not friends, he would knock the dust off her cuca. She actually believed this nonsense, bless her heart. Snooki and Deena go out while Jenni and Sam stay home to presumably knit and drink Ovaltine. You know how those meatballs are; they can’t go to a restaurant, cathedral, hospital or jail without flashing someone and dancing to the music in their heads.  They end up at a restaurant for some morning debauchery.

“Oh no! I touched the orange one by mistake. I’m pretty sure this is how Contagion started. Mama Mia!”

Never ones to eat and drink at a restaurant, Deena and Snooki turn it into a two woman club.

Snooki somehow escaped paralysis.

Twizzler break!

“Your daughter’s a good f*ck. I can tell!”

Back at the house, Pauly and Vinny are about to carve each other’s initials into their heads to seal their “friendship” and have to clean the clippers first. Luky for them a disgusting toothbrush is laying on the sink and ready to scrub. The guys clean the clippers with the toothbrush because they feel that anyone dumb enough to leave their toothbrush out deserves it. I have a thing about putting toothbrushes where they don’t belong so I don’t agree with this. Plus, who wants dried saliva and plaque on their clippers? However, I loosened up once Mike walks into the bathroom a few minutes later, use the toothbrush without noticing a thing and then walking away with it. Sadly, it probably tasted better than usual. And was less hairy.

The meatballs get back to the house and are drunk as hell but that doesn’t stop them from not showering and changing to go to the club. Deena and Nicole wear those fuzzy pony boots except they each wear a black and white one. At the club, the two of them take turns doing kick ballchanges while holding onto the bar with one hand and their drinks with the other. Then Deena starts doing some Jersey Turnpike squat which then morphs into some kind of homeless stripper routine. Don’t be alarmed though; their roommates don’t let it get out of control. I’m sorry, I meant their grandmothers, Jenni and Sammi. Jenni is busy pulling down Snooki’s dress while Sam watches condescendingly.

As far as I’m concerned, Jenni needs to have her implants removed and placed into her saddle bags immediately because she is dunzo. See? Even I’m still cool; I keep up with the latest slang from 8 years ago. I don’t understand why she can’t just let loose and have fun. Then again, if she can’t dance with guys, going to a club and dancing alone can get boring after a while and there’s no telling how great the DJs are out there. She and Sammi are proud of their role as moms but insist that they want to have fun and take a break from driving their self appointed imaginary minivans. So you know what they do instead of playing mom to the meatballs? They get a drink and talk about how hard it is to be a mom to the fun people. Another thing, the last time Deena and Snooki got into a fight in the club, neither one of them was angry at Jenni or Sammi for not jumping in or helping them out so they shouldn’t feel obligated to play “mom”. I know that fun is a foreign language to these two but seriously, recast these normal people.

Who needs a mom? Mike. The club starts chanting an Italian word that means “shame” at the guys. Lamest. Insult. Ever. Shame is a guido’s middle name. It’s the “objective” on a guido’s resume. It’s a part of a guido’s Last Rites. Well, guidos don’t have resumes or morals but if they did, they’d have the former and the latter. Mike couldn’t translate quickly enough so he took this chanting as an insult and started yelling back at the crowd.

He must’ve thought they were speaking Na’vi.

Pauly and Vinny don’t want to fight. Ronnie is willing if he must.

All dressed up and no one to kill .

Cabs pick up the group to avoid confrontation but Snooki and Deena are not done. They go to another club. As much as Jenni and Sam complain about them, what would have happened if Snooki and Deena were not here? Nothing! Everyone would’ve gone home, eaten and passed out. Thank God Deena and Snooki understand that they are making a TV show because they drunkenly continue to party at Central Park. A group of guys gather around them and it actually looks like everything is fine but for some reason the meatballs feel that the guys are dancing too close to them and are yelling too loudly. It’s been 8 days since I’ve been to one, but I think that’s what they do at clubs.

After telling the guys to back up and the guys not complying, the girls get annoyed and go to the bar. Unfortunately it’s the annual “Kill Americans” weekend in Italy and the bartender is on the hate train too. He throws ice at the girls which is really messed up and the girls start throwing bottles at him. I was actually proud of them. It has to be nice to know that you can do whatever you want and then security will swoop you up before anyone can retaliate (unlike season one when Snooki was punched repeatedly).

When the girls get home, they are still yelling angrily and the rommates tell them to be quiet. Ronnie and Sammi have become really uppity since they stopped trying to murder each other on a daily basis. They have no patience for Snooki and Deena’s outburst.

“I’m so upset; good thing the ice didn’t hit this pretty face!”

Random thought: Jenni kinda looks like Ghostface from the Scream movies.

The more I look at Jenni, the more I can believe that her drastic change is due to just the one nose job, weight loss and botox. I thought maybe she had more work done in the beginning but I think the botox was probably just really fresh and now its worn off a little. Sadly, the meatballs are telling Sam and Jenni that they both would have “thrown blows” if they were there but the two of them still don’t get it. Sam and Jenni wouldn’t have done any such thing because they are over it. Jenni took her own advice to “stay and get your ass beat” by Sam twice last year so she’s done embarassing herself and Sam doesn’t want to risk losing her welterweight championship title. MTV needs to put the brakes on the supposed Snooki and Artist Formerly known as JWoww spinoff. Snooki and Deena 2012!

Once they calm down, Snooki and Deena get into the hot tub which has been sadly underused this season. Then they hang out in what looks like their same hot tub clothes for a while. After the mildew sets in, they get dressed up like hookers and go for a stroll through Italy at 7AM. This is really happening.

*Sung to the tune of Pretty Woman*
Pretty Woman, walking down the street
Overshadowed, by these balls of meat.
Pretty Woman
I don’t believe you, would wear those clothes
And then bend down and touch your toes.
Itchy.

The girls end up passing out at the table and the waiter ushers them back home so that they can hose off and sleep. There’s not much sleep to be had at home because Ronnie is busy letting fat women jump on his trampoline after he burns dinner. That’s what he said.  No, that’s really what he said. He was trying to make some point about being a fireman and that somehow turned into a weird analogy of some sort. He and Sam go shopping for ingredients so she can start cooking and be the kind of woman Ron’s mom wold be proud to drunkenly insult over the holidays. Oh and they’ve downgraded the carry on luggage.

The cast must’ve purchased every suitcase in Florence at this point.

Back at the house, Sammi and Jenni are busy prepping dinner in accordance with their being a combined age of 89. They ask Deena to do the dishes and she declines; Mike starts saying that she doesn’t do anything and tells her to be a woman. Deena, ever the litle lady, promptly gets pissed off and throws a spatula at him. He threatens to insult her but Deena’s ahead of the game. She knows that he will call her fat so she tells him that he needs 10 grand to fix his gace. It would have been a great insult except Mike could pay for that and her lipo about 60,000 times over. So. Yeah.

Jenni and Sam are fascinated that they are getting along so well. At some point Deena or Snooki yells out “meatball problems” which is a new saying that was coined this episode. Sam says that she’s sick of hearing it and Jenni whisper bitches that it’s the way it’s said that annoys her. What’s the problem Jenni? Is it said with too much fun and no stick up their ass. Cuz yeah, that annoys me too. I’ll be the first to say that I do not hang out with people too much because chances are they are going to start annoying me at some point. However, they’re being paid to have fun and be idiots so embrace that shit and stop complaining.

At dinner, they all discuss that they’ve enjoyed Italy but they are so ready to get back to the Jersey Shore. Sam celebrates the fact that she didn’t have any major problems with anyone for once but Vinny has to cause trouble by saying that he wants to keep his old room with Pauly. Sam wants “compromisation” which in her world is defined as giving her the room with two beds so she and Ronnie can be alone with their self loathing. I don’t see Vinny as being wrong. Why shouldn’t he be able to keep his old room? It should be assumed that it stays the same unless there is a consensus that it’s best to move things around. When it comes down to it, Ronnie flipped her bed and now they have to lie in it while Mike watches. Vinny says that he doesn’t want to be in a room with Mike because he starts drama. This comment starts drama. Sam is mad at Ronnie for not stepping up and arguing with Vinny for the room. Just when you think we’re going to have 12 minutes of this crap, Sam clears things up with Ronnie and the whole house ends up deciding that Mike needs to change because he causes these problems. Mike is messed up in a lot of ways but he’s also told the truth 99% of the time. If it wasn’t for him, Sammi would have never punched Ronnie that one time, Snooki would have never thrown a bottle at him, Arvin would’ve faded into the background of Karma etc… If I had to live with him, I’d probably hate him too but he’s essentially doing his job and it’s pretty much based on truth. Anyway, let’s watch a random scene of Vinny and Pauly getting into bed together. FYI, Pauly is  pulling out a condom and opening it.

It’s really wrong that I secretly want to see this go down.

Deep down I think they really want to do it. For real. And Pauly’s already got the Bert hairdo. And when’s the last time they voluntarily got it in with girls? The “next night” the roommates go to the club and Snooki stays home with no explanation. At the club, everyone is having fun except for Mike who’s all alone. Some guy “looked at him wrong” and he starts yelling and making a scene. The guys wisely decided to not jump into this crap anymore and after Mike makes this huge commotion, he turns around to realize that no one is behind him. The editing makes it seem like eveyone is having fun and not jumping in on purpose but I dont think they even knew anything was happening at that moment. It is kind of sad that he’s all alone but he did it to himself. He goes home alone while the rest of the group is at the club having fun. On the brght side, Snooki is home so maybe they can get it in and she can deny it for old time’s sake.

I watched the Jersey Shore marathon this weekend because I’m a loser and it was so interesting to see the dynamic between Mike and everyone else change. He was always starting trouble but it’s crazy how much worse it is now. Jenni used to be JWoww; I can’t believe how boring she is now! I can’t stand her this season but on a personal level, this is probably great for her development. I hope she comes back to life in Jersey. In related news, I was playing Words with Friends and my letter board spelled “Jionni”. If you think that’s freaky, on another game I was playing the letter board spelled “fingerd” (missing an e) but you get the point. It was totally, like, a sign. So what do you think about all of this? I’m sick of the mom act. I still love Pauly. And Mike may need to take a break. Oh, and Deena…how embarassing is her lack of self esteem?