Jersey Shore Recap: Raining Men and Meatballs (Luckily not literally)

Time to go to Karma!  Paula’s there in a dress that makes Jenni think she’s trying way too hard to be noticed by Mike.  It does look like something from the Jenna Jameson 2009 Collection.  Mike greets her, and dismisses her so that he can, as said my Deena, “down-grade dance.”  She also correctly calls it that Paula just wants to look as hot as possible so that Mike knows what he’s missing.  Jenni notices Mike’s hitting on grenades, and doesn’t seem surprised,  Cut to Mike getting grinded on and hitting on a desperate-looking 43-year-old cougar.  Paula has been doing the ex-girlfriend stare and storms off.  Karma’s a bitch.

Mike goes after her, though, because he truly cares about her and is deeply but dysfunctionally in love with her.  No, wait.  He’s a horn-ball jerk who will string along any girl he thinks he can sleep with.  After clearing the air and making sure Paula isn’t *really* leaving his ego trip, he finds a DTF girl with zero self-esteem.  Her ‘shirt’ cannot contain her shazam boobs.  He says he’s trying to be ninja about leaving with her, but he’s drawing as much attention to himself as possible, so as to be noticed, presumably by Paula.  Such healthy kids.  Jenni busts him, Paula busts him, the girl’s girls bust out on the walk home, and Mike realizes he’s far too sloppy to bring home, so he sends her on her way.

Pauly, meanwhile, is gonna break him off a piece of some Kit Kat bar.  He hasn’t been laid in three weeks.  When he and his trick get home for the night, pretty much everyone heads straight to bed.  Only nobody can sleep for the first 17 seconds,  because Pauly is loudly banging away with some girl who has devastatingly low self-esteem.  This is horrific, the whole thing.  Seriously, Sam tells us he should get it in, get it over with, and get her out.  But it must be a house slogan, because the girl is out of there within about 7 minutes.  She doesn’t even get a turkey burger for putting out, but she does get Pauly’s digits.  I’d take the burger.  

No, it’s not creepy at all to stand in your undies and listen to your roomate bone some poor girl with terrible self-esteem.  Not creepy at all.

 The next day is declared Meatball Day, which seems redundant given that they say it’s Meatball Day in every episode.  It’s a very special Meatball Day though, so the Meatballs head out to a party store to pick up silly gifts for the winners.  The unlucky winners of the Meatball Auditions.  Snooki wants to be the only judge, since she’s the o.g. party girl of the house.  I’ll give her that.  They aim to eliminate the weak sauces, but that confuses me.  It gets weaker than these two?  I’m crying for you, America.  

The Meatball Call heard around the worl… fourteen homes where people are still watching Jersey Shore.

It’s Date Day for Ron and Sam.  They’re talking about moving in together, and talking about having babies in five or ten years.  Ron tells her that he’ll push it back in if it’s a girl.  That’s a quote.  My heart is heavy, and they head off to a game of mini-golf.  Ron tells Sam that he let her win on their first date, but Sam’s not buying it.  Sadly, he totally wins the min-golf, and my tears start falling quietly for her and their future little girls.   

FYI, if you want to be a Meatball, you have to hiss.  You also have to do body shots off of old men with mustaches.  They cruise the Boardwalk calling for potential Meatballs.  It’s not going well, so they approach some middle-aged ladies, who are at the bar day-drinking with their kids.  They decline, as does the relatively normal girl who does not consent to be on TV.  I wanna drink with her.  In fact, the only people who seem interested are several woman from various European countries.  Seriously, after doing to body shot off of a decently sweaty-looking middle-aged dude and making fools of themselves out on the Boardwalk until Deena almost pees herself (again), the winners are declared to be Belize, Sicily, and Scotland.

You know the world is ending 12/21/12 when Samantha is the voice of reason on this show.

Snooki heads back to her gnome home, and Deena invites all three new Meatballs back to the Shore House for a night out at the Club.  They’re not really welcomed by the roomates, who laugh at their accents.  Deena is three-sheets drunk, and Jenni’s put out that she offers the new gnomes to make themselves at home.  They’re all up in Jenni’s stuff, and she has the patience of a saint.  She helps Deena get ready.  Downstairs, the Scottish Meatball seems a little too tall for the real gig.  She is also getting rebuffed by Vinny and Pauly, who aren’t very nice to her when she sits herself down between them on the couch.

It’s their last night out, and they’re all happy when the International Meatball Representatives take off.  They’re partying hard, beating up the beat, and having a great time.  Deena finally crashes out, literally, and they leave as Jenni tells us that Deena’s at the point where she’ll hurt herself, so it’s time to go crash.  In a different way.  Sort of.  When they get back, Deena’s so out of it that Mike has to walk her to her bed, where she says, “Thanks Jay,” to him.  I hope she’s in rehab now, or is going once this season finishes airing.  Girl gets too damn drunk.

The day, they’re all up and talking about how they don’t have too much time left together.  They decide to have a beach bonfire, since they’ve never done that.  It sounds like fun.  Mike asks if he can invite Paula, because that dude lives for drama.  

Later on, the boys head out for GTL while Sam and Snooki stay home to get the last Sunday dinner started.  They struggle to open a bottle of wine, and that’s a hard sell to me.  I get it that these girls aren’t gonna be mastering calculus anytime ever, but I find it hard to believe that at 32 or however old they all are by now, that they don’t know how to open a bottle of 3 Buck Chuck.  

They boys get back and help out with dinner, but Sunday dinner tonight is going to be dinner theatre.  Mike’s talked into stripping after dinner, but only if the other guys help him put together a routine.  They head upstairs like 12-year-old girls to listen to One Direction over and over while working out a dance routine.  Mike tells us that his stripper name is Vito Durado.  It’s the name of his first pet and the street he grew up on, the classic What Is Your Porn Star Name name.  Mine’s Simba Norwood.  You?  Vito’s a boxer, so while Mike is outfitted with a robe, Ron busts his and Sam’s secet 50 Shades of Grey sex life by handing over a pair of handcuffs so Jenni can get hand-cuffed to a chair and take one for the team.  

Abs? Check.  Green eyes?  Check, check.  Biceps? 18 inches.  Not hot Mike, and I’ll still pay you to leave.  Go time.  Mike starts his tragic routine, laughing all the way though, amidst roomates, a bubble machine, and finger lights.  It’s a tragic performance, but it also would be pretty funny if you were there.  At one point he does push-ups on Jenni’s legs.  And then he picks her up for a crotch-to-face move that looks funny, but also… ew.

This is the least sexy thing I have ever seen in my life.

Our Christmas present from God is that this show is ending!  One more Thursday night of misogyny, roid-rage, and coochie cutters, and we are free!