Jersey Shore Recap: Shore Shower (not the kind they really need, though)

Previously on Jersey Shore, Paula dodged a bullet when Mike dumped her at work as Pauly and Vinnie gawked on a couch; the Roomies-1 (everyone but Snooki) bonded together over supporting Mike, all except Snooki who really really hates Mike.  She is not gonna forgive him for his putting her on blast about some hook-up while she was dating Jionni.  The Roomies-1 think she is trying to out-run her completely publicly slutty recent past.  Oh, honey.  The ‘ladies’ decide to throw Snooki a baby shower at Rivoli’s, but the Roomies-1 are kind of starting to bag on Jionni.  He’s just not around that much, and while you and I know that makes him the single smartest man on this show, the Roomies-1 think He’s abandoning his pregnant girl and it’s not right.

 Seriously?  Watching Mike dump Paula?  That’s the best thing these two can think of doing with themselves?

 That’s it.  An hour of show, and that’s all that happened except for some misogyny and some cute Shore Store scenes.  Snooki walked a foot-tall penguin balloon that she named Jumanji.  I wish I could even call it avant-garde, or Surrealist but if it was anything interesting, it was under my head.

We open still fretting about Jionni; well, Deena’s fretting about Jionni, because Deena feels most alive in life when she and a boyfriend can be 24/7, 365.  Deena won’t let it go that Jionni’s not around much, and Snooki was okay with Jionni having a softball hobby that he loves, until Deena talks her into the idea that she should be Jionni’s hobby.  They decide to go out on a Meatball Date, so they’re happy even though the other Roomies are going to Jimbo’s.  Snooki gives a quick call to Jionni for a whine sesh, so thanks on that, Deena.  Well played, if you have something against all of us and think we want to have more footage of a forced Snooki Whine.  

Snooki’s main hobby seems to be putting shit on her head.  Maybe one of you could start a Stuff on Snooki Tumblr?  Like Stuff on My Cat!

For no reason, and I’m not even sure at the same time as this Snooki scene, Ron dons a sweaty-looking gorilla suit, and gently scares awake a sleeping Jenni.  He’s really taking ‘gorilla juiceheaded’to a very literal level, here.  This is more interesting than Jumanji, I guess, but that’s not saying much.  

Later on at Jimbo’s the gang discusses Snooki again, that she doesn’t really smile unless Jionni is around.  They don’t get that Snooki is there as part of a contractual obligation for money.  She’s so knocked up, she doesn’t give a rip about antics in which she can’t participate and she’s more interesting in her home life.  Snooki and Jionni may have some fault-lines in their relationship but codependency isn’t one of them, it seems, so the Roomies-1 may want to just chill a bit and let the girl be pregnant.  It’s not always a bluebirds signing around your head as your gather wildflowers and knit booties inn dappled sunlight.  There is a lot of vomit, and it’s hard to sleep.  

It’s Meatball and Mocktails time, and they link armed-cheers each other at a fancier joint that Jimbo’s.  Snooki mentions that she wants to go baby shopping the next day, and Deena tries to steer her away from that idea, since the baby shower’s in a couple of days and Snooki has a ton of presents coming from the Baby Store.  Somehow it devolves from talking about baby shopping, to Deena talking telling Snooki, and then repeating to us in Confessional, that she can’t sleep without some form of pants, because what if a bug crawled into her nonnie and laid eggs.  What if?  Would the government finally haul Deena off for experiments?  Or is that how this all happened in the first place, like was there some kind of reverse experiment where They tried to engineer a hybrid race of humans, and this is like, V.1.4 which is really in the early fail stages of development.  They say the Snooki Baby was an unexpected hitch in the Program.

Club Time!  MVP, in effect!  They’re standing around hitting on girls, when whom should we run into but our fair maiden Paula?  Poor thing.  Pauly keeps trying to make signing out a high-pitched ‘awkward’ happen.  Let it go, hon.  The ‘ladies’ sympathize with her for a bit, since Mike is nearby letting an incredibly skanky girl rub her cootchie cutters all over his gross lab.  Not for all North Carolina, friends.  Not for all the gold in China.  Well, maybe the gold.  But like, metal.  Not cash.  

Mike dumped Paula, so he could have trashier, less attractive women grind on him in the club.  I think there may be a lot more therapy in store for this one to maintain his sobriety, I really do.  

They notice a go-go dancer who is a terrible dancer, and so Jenni takes it upon herself to show this woman how it’s done.  Jenni and her gigantic rack get on stage and drop some badass moves.  Not gonna lie.  It’s not my jam, but it’s clearly hers.  Mike starts closing the deal with another woman suffering from a staggering case of low self-esteem, when Paula appears and cock-blocks him with ex-tears.  You go, girl.  You take this night, and you call it Closure, but you go, girl.  It’s right around then that it’s clear the female Roomies are so drunk, they’re barely standing.  MVP has struck out.  Yesssss.

The next day, the ‘ladies’ are ultra hung over, and Snooki calls Jionni to ask him to go to the baby store.  She wakes up Jenni, and tells her that she’s heading out baby shopping on her date with Jionni.  Jenni tells Sam and Deena to catch her before she leaves, so Sam  intercepts Jionni to let him know that they can’t go baby shopping.  Snooki apparently calls Jionni poopy.  Shouldn’t he be like, El Poopy, or maybe Pooo Pooo Booo Booo, considering the other nicknames up in this mess?  

Jionni wants to go eat, and Snooki has a whine fit over going to the baby store, and she thinks it’s mean.  She’s also demanding flowers.  Le sigh.  She’s pouting a lot to him about going shopping, but they get a bite while the other girls at the Shore House coo over gifts they’re wrapping.  They hear Snooki and Jionni come back, and scramble to hide things.  It’s like, 8:30 and Snooki still wants to go, but they try to get her to think it’s too late.  The baby store’s only open until 9, and Snooki’s STILL bummed about it.  Maybe she thinks it’s that they don’t want to hang out with her, like baby stuff is too boring.  Snooki and Jionni go to dinner, and it’s a cute date but he’s over the Baby Store Block.  They agree to fix it with make-up sex.

Back at the ranch, Jenni and Deena grill Vinny about going to the baby shower the next day.  Vinny feels weird, but he knows he owes Jionni an apology and he cares about his relationship with Snooki, so he’s thinking about it.  They Roomies-1 get ready to go to a new club, Merge.  They struck out last night, so they might as well try a new diamond.  Merge.  

There’s a dance-off that Jenni’s having with a friend of Roger’s.  He’s killing it, so she decides to drop it… and splits her pants.  It’s pretty funny.  How do you split spandex pants?  It’s totally doing down in a cordoned off area, by the way. m Mike says they’re King of the Guidos and nothing could hold them back this summer, at which point editing throws us – queue Psycho Knife Noises – ANGELINA.

Okay, you’re sorry, goodbye.  I agree with him.  It feels icky.  

They try to make this a big deal, but she doesn’t look good, and she’s wasted.  Jenni sees her first, and we get a little montage of what looks like a game of Club Telephone, where drunky monkeys pass the word to each other that Angelina is there!  Sound the alarm!  Brangelina has hair!  What, bro?  Tangerina! Bear!  She over-stays her apology welcome first with Mike, and then with Vinny and Pauly.  Elsewhere, the Shore House Sistas are so trashed that they can barely walk, so it’s clearly two hours after they should have left, and 12 minutes until at least one of them throws up in bed.  Again.

Roger and Jenni have crashed in the Smush Room, Roger sleeping on top of the covers in his undies.  Ron decides it’s as good a time as any for Gorilla Time.  It’s not that funny, but Drunk Jenni thinks it is.  

MVP finally heads home, and the MP part wants food, but the V part is blue about not finding a threesome so he heads home by his lonesome.  They But things are looking up for our hero, because he runs into two ‘ladies’ who suggest a threesome before they all exchange names or even a handshake.  I feel for all of their parents.

He gets them back to the Shore House, only to find Jenni and Roger not doing it in the Smush Room.  He’s stuck taking his two herpes strains up to the room he shares with Mike and Pauly.  Who are awake.  And watching.  As Vinny climbs into bed with two women and their trucker hats.  It this even legal to show on broadcast television?  One of them has a flash of self-worth, and freaks out and leaves.  She was too weirded out with Mike and Pauly watching; Vinny, no longer able to have a threesome, gets a blowie and calls it a night.  He also calls his celibacy intact, but unless he’s in an open relationship, I call ‘bullshit.’

The guys throw some water balloons off the Shore House roof?  Nice.

It’s Shower Day, and Sammi and Jenni are still drunk.  Roger finally got some, we learn.  That’s good.  They get to the restaurant, and they are really having a rough morning.  It’s hard to figure out tissue paper arts when your already pea-sized brain is swimming in last night’s Ron Ron Juice.  

They finish decorating, and Jenni hooks up a secret plan with Roger, that they’re going on a special date while the rest of the gang goes to Rivoli’s for Sunday dinner.  Snookie comes over, and she’s not super-stoked to go to Rivoli’s.  She’s not feelin’ heavy food.  If it’s as sweaty as North Carolina beaches, I can’t say I blame her.  Jenni is ready for her fake date and Snooki’s excited that Roger might be proposing.  It’s probably gonna take more than three times per year of sexy times for Roger to pop the question.  Then again, who knows?  They are engaged, after all.

Vinny’s decided to talk to Jionni and apologize to him, because he wants a relationship with Snooki.  Jenni meets some of the guests from Snooki’s real life back home, and the others head over to Rivoli’s.  Pauly annoyingly does a Confessional about having popcorn, and watching the movie of Vinny apologizing to Jionni.  He’s oddly overly-nervous about a baby shower.  I’m not sure if he thinks maybe he’s going to catch something?  That would be an odd concern for someone who has laid so many girls at the Shore that girls won’t sleep with him anymore.  Pauly reflects and we get footage of Snooki’s first splash into everyone’s lives, “Party’s he-ah!”  Ah, the good old days.

They arrive at the shower, and Snooki is visibly touched.  It takes her a second to register that she’s at a surprise baby shower, and all of her friends are there.  She’s so happy to see her friends from home, and so touched that her Roomies did this for her.  She thought they just didn’t want to do anything baby-related, but they just wanted her to get all their presents.  

The party has dinner, and it seems awkward, which Pauly points out still trying to sell us that signing “Awkward,” is even remotely still a cool thing to do.  Pauly is like 35 and still lives at home as far as I know.  The one time we’ve ever seen him on a date, it was not a real date, just that he happened to be sitting next to Chloe Sevigny.  She’s played a couple of sex-weirdos on TV recently, but I doubt a Chloe Sevigny character would do it with Pauly let alone the actual Chloe Sevigny.  

Awkward 

Vinny explains that he was wrong to hook up with Snooki, but it was her who came to him.  Pauly and Jenni are supportive of Vinny apologizing.  Snooki tells us Jionni wants to kick Vinny’s ass.  

And, fin.

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