Jersey Shore Recap: The End of Italy

The season finale starts with a montage of all of the trouble Mike has started this season. Say what you want but imagine a season without him. Actually, you don’t have to; just watch this episode and realize how unbelievably boring this show would be without his instigating and Snooki & Deena’s drunken behavior because they’re all on their best behavior for their last days in Italy. But first, because this episode was snooze-ville, what would happen if my two “best” shows collided?

Lisa = Snooki, super tan and not afraid of a little animal print
Max = Deena, willing to look like a fool and kiss girls
Kelly Kapowski = Jenni, potential hot slut but ultimately a bore
Zack Morris = Pauly D, hottest guy on the show
Jessie = Sammi, uptight shrew of a girlfriend
Slater = Ronnie, buff boyfriend of an uptight shrew
Screech = Vinnie, the smartest (by default)

The group is headed home from the club and Sammi basically forces Ronnie to talk to Mike about all of the stuff he’s done. He gets Mike out of bed and they head out to that dirty balcony/porch thing to discuss how the whole house is fed up with Mike’s antics. Mike says that just between him and Ronnie, he feels like a villain. Umm, yeah; that’s between you and the country Mike. Mike has an attitude and basically acts like he doesn’t plan on changing and Ronnie says that if he’s not going to change, he needs to go. Mike does the cocky “I make this show” eyebrow to indicate that he calls the shots and that will not happen.

I never hit Sam, she just runs into my open palm.

Mike and Vinny go to work and fool around. Can’t say I care at this point since we’ve barely seen them work this season. Back at the house, Sammi and Ronnie have the brilliant idea to utilize the smush room. They take in their own blanket and pillows, they disappear under said blankets for a minute or two and then reappear from under the covers fully dressed. What was the point of the smush room? He could’ve bent her over the sink for that. Pauly casually notices that this romp took about five minutes and that explains Sammi’s permanent scowl. That and the abuse. Allegedly.

That night, the roommates go to a new club but Jenni AKA JBlah, stays home because she doesn’t feel well. In other words, she wants to vomit up her dinner in peace. Vinny & Pauly and Nicole & Deena aren’t into it so they go to another club. I remember when they wouldn’t even leave the club without each other and now they’re roaming the streets of Italy all alone. Deena and Snooki already drank all of the alcohol in Florence over the last month so they end up partying but they don’t even seem drunk. In fact, they start judging some other drunken girl in the club for humping Deena’s clutch. If that clutch had been Deena’s face I bet we would have heard no complaints.

The roommates go to the restaurant the next day to say goodbye to Marco and the rest of the employees at the pizza shop. Each person leaves a piece of clothing for Marco to hang on his clothesline in his pizza shop. They’re trying to pass this off as an Italian custom of some sort but it seems more like something a serial killer would do. Jenni leaves a shirt that has the front cut out to show her boobs. Maybe the old Jenni would have worn that but she clearly purchased a random wife beater and cut it up in the pizzeria. How do I know? She walked into the pizzeria, asked for scissors, went in the back and didn’t come out with a new nose. What else could she have done with the scissors?

Marco: This will make the killing easier. Mama Mia.

Deena leaves a thong. I can’t even begin to guess how many health codes that violates but I imagine Marco will get called on it when the bronzer eventually drips off of it and makes his dough crustier than usual.

Marco: Vinnie! You remembered the moment we shared in the stockroom. Mama Mia.
Vinnie: Keep it down Marco. Auly Pay is right behind e may.
Pauly: That’s funny. You didn’t mention any stockroom storie to me. Bitch.

Later, the roommates grill and decide to go sightseeing before they leave since they haven’t done anything cultural in 276 months. The girls clean up after dinner and Vinnie says that seeing the girls clean is like seeing Mike with a condom…it doesn’t happen. What a random, disgusting fact! With all of the boning he’s done around the world he doesn’t use condoms?! And Snooki gave him head? I’m sad for our country.

Vinnie, always eager to show off the fact that he has a degree and is one missed barber appointment away from being Einstein, schedules the group for an artsy historical tour of Italy. The group was torn as to whether they wanted more art or history on the tour because they’re equally fascinated by crayons and “Spartacus”. They end up seeing some really amazing things but Mike is too busy pouting and sitting in corners throughout the tour to appreciate it. In the background of the entire tour, you can see the roommates being followed by the locals or possiby other tourists with cameras. Even the statue of David can’t compete with the Pauly D’s blowout.

The group notices that Mike is distancing himself from them but they don’t care. They’re busy following around the wino that picked them up off the street and claimed he was taking them on a tour. The guy looked like he would have done anything for a slice of salami and some boxed wine. Anything. Even Deena. The group hangs out at a restaurant afterwards and they discuss how the trip went.

Vinnie: I’m glad we’ve moved past the Marco incident.

Mike says that Jenni has been really calm(useless) this year. Then he reminisces about having a bottle thrown at him. And then he decides to apologize for any drama he may have caused.

Mike: Sorry I made fun of your camouflage make up, Deena.

They all say that they appreciate his apology but secretly think he’s full of crap. Again, Mike has mostly told the truth about things and like him or not he fanned the flames of this tepid season. If there were no Mike, Pauly and Vinny would have actually had to go all the way just to make this show interesting.

That night, the roommates go to the club and Mike gets into another argument with a kid there. Maybe there’s some kind of substance fueling these random rages. Either that or he needs a serious enema. Snooki and Deena attempt to be entertaining while sober and place all of the plants from the terrace onto the kitchen table when they get home that night. The next morning no one seems to care much and we collectively learn that alcohol makes everything better girls. This is what happens when guidettes think with their rotting livers instead of their brain.

Mike cooks breakfast for the house the last morning and I would be hesitant to eat it. He’s kinda creepy, seemingly has a vendetta against everyone and probably marinated the bacon in his special sauce. We’re treated to a shot of Sammi coming to breakfast in her dress from last night. Yuck. And when Pauly and Vinny go to wake up Ronnie, we get to see the actual moment Ronnie realized his rage is not the result of alleged steroids but his pent up man on man urges.

Pauly: Wake up Ron Ron!
Vinnie: Mmm, this one’s ripe for the picking.

Ronnie: What’s that fellas? I can’t hear you over the sound of you slapping my ass. Hint, hint.

The group has breakfast and Mike makes his big anouncement.

I’m addicted to money, fame and blow so I’ll be going back to Jersey!

The group doesn’t really care but they’re happy to be going to Jersey. They pack their bags, slide them down the steps via mattress and toast to Jersey. Hooray. I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to seeing Seaside or not. This finale was a real let down but Italy had it’s moments. I still love the Mike vs Wall incident and the Pauly jokes. And looking at Pauly. I have to say though, I’m not convinced that this Pauly & Vinnie bromance is just a joke. I wouldn’t hold it against either of them if they went for it and I’m pretty sure they have or are about to. Pauly always laughs a little too hard when they make those kind of jokes and Vinnie looks way too serious when he talks about how he feels about Pauly.

And the reunion? They didn’t even give Jenni an interview! There was legitimately not one thing worth asking her. Snooki kept setting Mike up for great insults and she just kept making herself look more and more guilty. It was an okay time. What’d you guys think? Are you still talking to me? My laptop is on it’s last leg and it took me  a full week to just type this thing between crashes and another three days to stay awake long enough to watch this snoozefest. What’d you think?