Jersey Shore: Scenes from a Shore House

Let’s return to our cliffhanger of a catfight, shall we?

There go the acrylic nails.

So we’re watching this mass of orange skin and hair extensions clawing at each other when I suddenly notice a huge black guy pulling Sammi off of Jwoww.  I quickly run down a list in my head, but no, none of our guidos are black.  In fact, none of our guidos have moved – even a little – to try to break up the fight, except for Vinny, and suddenly the girls are being physically lifted away from each other.  The crew has stepped in!  That doesn’t happen much around here.

Not our guidos.

Sammi walks past Snooki and Deena and she dramatically tosses something in front of their faces.  It’s a ripped out hair extension.  Must belong to Jwoww.

Sammi wears clip-ins.

And now that the physical portion of the program is over, Snooki starts in on Ronnie, saying she can’t believe his girlfriend stays with him after he treats her so badly.  Here is Ronnie’s response:

“If I hold still I’m invisible.”

Typical.  Sammi screams in his defense, of course, that it was all Snooki and Jwoww’s fault, not Ronnie’s.  Snooki screams that she tried to be a good friend to Sammi, Sammi screams that she’s had enough.  She storms to the patio where Ronnie joins her to see if she’s okay.  It’s not like he cared while Jwoww was punching her in the face, but now that there’s no danger of him breaking a nail he can act like he cares. Sammi wants to know why Ronnie didn’t stand up for her more.  She feels like it’s just her alone against the “trash bags of the house.”  Ronnie makes a weak defense for himself (I DID stand up for you, I said they were fake), then they decide to go to bed.

The other three girls sit down and conclude that Sammi is nothing but a mean girl, and besides, it’s time to drink more.  Remember that Deena’s intoxication pretty much started this whole debacle, but whatevs, it’s time for more alcohol.  Snooki tries (successfully) to fit into Deena’s suitcase, the two of them walk in circles in the living room, they topple out of the hammock on the patio – and are basically having the time of their lives.  These two don’t need much more than a bottle.

Here’s why Deena wasn’t too concerned about baring it all last week.

The next morning Sitch makes the wake-up rounds, and tries to tell Rammi to forget about the fight last night since they’re all a family.  Ronnie tells Sitch to cram the family BS, he’s over it. LOL, so much for being the peacemaker, Sitch.  The guys are ready for GTL, and Sammi tags along.  Deena wants to go tanning, then get some cocktails. Ha ha! It HAS been a few hours since they guzzled that last bottle of vodka. Jwoww goes with them and on the way they laugh about how Sammi must be sitting there at the gym watching Ronnie lift weights.  We get some shots of the gym and sure enough, Sammi is sitting on various workout machines, looking pissed and bored, just watching Ronnie.

Every guy’s dream girlfriend.

Later at home Vinny and Pauly D have a highly philosophical discussion about whether Deena’s boobs are real or fake.  Then they wonder what real boobs are made of, so they ask Deena (or New Girl, as they call her).  Is it fat tissue?  Or milk?  You read that correctly.  They ask Deena if boobs have MILK in them.  She’s like, no, not unless you’ve recently given birth.  I keep forgetting how utterly out of touch these people are.  Aren’t they continually grabbing random girls’ boobs?  Have they failed to notice that milk is NOT spurting out of them?  To crown this thoughtful conversation, Vinny spills on himself, then says, “I got juice all over me.”  Pauly D goes, “That’s what she said.”  And that sums up their afternoon!

That night everyone prepares to hit Karma and Rammi does this:

Another romantic evening in for America’s Sweethearts

Pauly D and Vinny chant about t-shirt time and cabs are here while the girls asphyxiate themselves in clouds of hairspray.  Sitch makes a HUGE point of preening and checking himself out in the living room mirror while the roommies watch.  Look out, unsuspecting ladies of the Seaside Heights boardwalk scene.

“Can we get you a glass of freshly squeezed milk?”

At Karma some girl latches onto Vinny and follows him all around the club.  Apparently she’s not attractive enough to engage in random hooking up with because Vinny’s just annoyed and wants her to get lost.  This is mildly amusing, but definitely not worth the air time it was given.  She’s not ugly, so I kind of don’t get why Vinny didn’t just try to hit that.

At one point during the evening Snooki steals away and hides  in a potted palm.  She tells us that she’d pee and poop in a bush, so now she’s hiding in one.  Jwoww takes this as her signal to end the evening so she gets Snooki in a cab and heads home – where she calls Tom.  Or rather, where she drunk dials Tom.  She yammers about losing her bracelet and Snooki wants the phone, so Tom, after sitting on the other end silently, finally goes, “Happy anniversary to you too!” and hangs up.  Uh oh.  Someone’s in troubs.  And to prove it Tom won’t answer his phone for the rest of the night.

And back at Karma, Vinny has found a girl he likes better than the “stalker” so he brings her home and somehow Sitch thinks he’s in on this party.  He tells us there is one girl and two guys, so he and Vinny will have to figure this out.  And by figure it out, Sitch means have a threesome.  Ok, so since Sitch couldn’t find a girl of his own he’s willing to have a threesome with Vinny just so he might have a chance at SOMETHING?  Gross.  But while Sitch takes his shoes off Vinny takes the girl into the Guest Room and locks the door.

DENIED.

What a dork.  He comes downstairs and says he’s stuck with a peanut butter sandwich.  Deena goes, “Or me!”  Sitch is like, “Eh, I’m alright.”  Ooooh!

Denied by the denied!

Apparently the next day is Sunday because Rammi is off to church (which, who are we kidding?) and the rest of the roommates are NOT happy about it.  At all.  Deena wants to talk about how she was a walking holiday last night, but Sitch is pissed that Rammi took off in one of the cars.  The rest of the roommies all have stuff they want to do and they can’t all fit into the one remaining car.  Or can they?  They manage to somehow all cram into the car and make it to GTL.  After church Rammi goes to lunch.  The other roommies start the grand ritual of preparing “family dinner” which has become a tradition for our happy guidos.  Sitch tells Deena to put Italian dressing on some steaks and Pauly D goes, “Are you supposed to marinate fillet?”  Vinny goes, “What’s fillet?”  Okay, he’s quickly becoming the house idiot.  I get that he’s never had to actually make an effort to feed himself, but “what’s fillet?”  Pauly D, however, gives Vinny a run for his money by saying, “Fillet mig-nin.”  These guys are lucky they have this show because what if they had to fend for themselves in the wild?  And I mean without Vinny’s mom.

“How do I make this big piece of meat into little pieces of meat?”

Everyone starts getting riled up about Rammi being gone.  The fact that they’re not home yet suggests that they’ve gone out to dinner instead of attending family dinner, and let’s not forget that they hogged one whole car for most of the day.  None of this is sitting well with any of the other guidos.  To top it off, after eating, Rammi play some games on the boardwalk and Sammi comes walking into the house carrying a huge stuffed banana.  There are crickets while everyone watches them go by.

They finally come to hang out with the roommies and Pauly D tells them with many expletives that they missed Sunday dinner.  Sammi giggles and says, “I could care less.”  Not cool Sammi.  I mean, America already wonders what you’re doing on this show – I don’t think you want your own castmates wondering the same thing.

“I’m not eating with those trash bags. I’m too pretty.”

But guess what!  The gang has to spend another summer working in Danny’s t-shirt shop, so it’s time to go and get their schedules.

“Oh great. These useless time-suckers are back.”

Hi Danny!  Remember when Vinny stole that girl from you, but you didn’t care at all?  Yeah, that was a lame storyline.  Snooki tells us she’s NOT excited to work in the t-shirt store again and she’d rather do nothing but sleep.  Hear, hear.  That about sums up my views on work as well.  Unfortunately most of us feel compelled to be functioning members of society, so work isn’t really a “take it or leave it” proposition.

At home everyone goes to the patio except Rammi, who go back to their posts on the beds.  Snooki tries to explain how hard it is living here with Sammi because they still really care about her, but Jwoww stops her and proclaims that she doesn’t care about Sammi anymore.  At all.  Jwoww tells us that karma’s a bitch and Sammi will get what’s coming to her.  Snooki just wants Sammi to admit she was wrong.  And she feels kind of sorry for Sammi since she doesn’t have any girlfriends.  That’s pretty much been Sammi’s own doing, so I’m not sure how much pity she deserves.

Frivolity commences on the patio and Ronnie tells us that he misses hanging out with the guys.  He feels like he’s just absorbing all of Sammi’s misery and making it his own.  He conveniently forgets that he is the main cause of most of Sammi’s misery.  They’re both worthless.

Vinny, Sitch and Deena are on at the t-shirt store in the morning and it’s pretty unremarkable.  Sitch wanders off to buy himself some breakfast instead of selling shirts, but what’s Danny going to do?  These guys are celebrities now.

There’s a scene where Snooki and Deena play kickall on the roof and end up kicking the ball onto a neighboring roof, which spurs them to try using household items to reach the ball.

“Make sure the cameras have a clear shot of my crotch!”

I keep sitting here thinking, really?  Really?  They went through all the footage and deemed THIS an entertaining bit to show us?  Who cares?  Vinny steps in and pieces together a bunch of tubes from beer funnels to try to make the broom reach the ball.  Then the talk turns to “squish it in, make it fit,” and Vinny mentions that didn’t work for him and Snooki.  He goes, “Maybe if we lick it before we stick it.”  All RIGHT.  Fine.  You made your sexual innuendos about your adventures with Snooki in the smoosh room.  Can something happen now?

Sitch and Ron are looking over the railing onto the boardwalk and deciding they should go ride some rides.  Ronnie wants to come out  with the guys for once and Sitch tells him he better not dare leave without them again and that there’s starting to be “talk.”  Sammi suddenly pops through the sliding glass door asking, “When are we going?”  BUZZKILL!  Sitch is clearly not pleased.

“Seriously? Yoko’s coming too?”

Now it’s him and Vinny tagging along with Rammi, or so Sammi would have it seem.  Sitch leaves and Sammi threatens that if the new girl comes she won’t let it fly.  Oh riiiiight.  Sure enough, EVERYONE is coming.  Snooki has even put on mismatched socks and a pink cowboy hat for the occasion.

Here is a summary of how the outing turns out:

“I’m so glad I put my foot down about the new girl coming.”

Pretty soon Rammi are pissing each other off and falling right back into the pattern we’ve all seen to death.

“And it’s traumatizing me.”

They retreat to the patio to have it out.  Do I even need to tell you what they say?  I’ll give you a hint.  Sammi is still mad that Ronnie was mean to her in Miami and Ronnie thinks they’ve come a long way since then.  Sammi wants to rehash everything that went down and make Ronnie apologize (or something) again.  Ronnie thinks Sammi needs to let it all go and move on.  Ronnie gets pissed and wants to sleep. Sammi ends with, “I’m sick.  I’m sick.”  Sick of this?  WE ALL ARE!!!!

Next week it looks like Sammi apologizes to Snooki!  What?  What brings that on?  Also, Snooki gets arrested.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!

This episode was meh.  It was a bunch of not-too-interesting scenes sort of randomly chosen for us.  Next week looks awesome though.  What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta