Jersey Shore: The Muppets Take Italy

Things we learned this week: JWoww hates her unconveived chidren and future-ly wishes they were never born, Sammi and Deena combined are still dumber than rocks and Pauly D is the man of my dreams. I already knew that last part but I like saying it repeatedly. Let’s dig in and figure this mess out.

I don’t know if you recall but there was a little kiss of sorts on last week’s episode. Eh, who am I kidding? That image is seared into America’s collective mind and infecting all of us with brain gingivitis. At the conclusion of the kiss, Deena goes in for the kill and asks Pauly about cuddling in the near future. Snooki follows up with a very special reuest:

Awww, nothing says friendship like requesting that a guy bang your friendjust so you canget her to shut the hell up about it. Pauly concedes thathe probably will but doesn’t want her to cry when he bangs other girls. Yuck! It seems like the cast is being required by MTV to do each other for filler. JWoww is also concerned about Deena’s feelings. Pauly immediately tries to get with the coat checkgirl at theclub to prove that he’s still got it but she rejects him. Damn, even the coat check girl doesn’t want to get with him after that kissing scene. Pauly is like the kid who brings used toilet paper to TP a house, no bueno.

Random question, why does the group almost always leave the club at the same time?  Back at the house, drunk Deena falls, tries to get up, falls again and then plays with her puppet Pierre. I can rest soundly tonight knowing that that sentence will never be spoken or typed again in the history of the world. Meanwhile, Ronnie gets on the phone and calls his friend Hannah who acts surprised that it’s him. Come on! She acts like she didn’t know it was him when the freakin caller ID most likely read 45675680403872020. Ronnie says that he just wants to hear her voice and invites her to Italy. She helped him out with his Sam stuff so that means that she will get banging privileges until Ron and Sammi inevitably get back together.

Deena ends up creeping over to Pauly’s bed that night and tries to smush but he’s sleeping. MTV edits it to make it seem like he was faking it but he’s in a totally different position than when he faked slept through her hook up attempt. Just to be clear, I totally believe he was faking it but just not the way they presented it.

The next morning, Pauly wakes everyone up and ups the ante on his obnoxious tactics. Yep, I still love him. He  jumps on top of the bed, blows the horn right in their faces and yells at them. Deena doesn’t care because she is thrilled that he was in her bed. They end up going to the supermarket for Sunday dinner fixings and Deena remarks that everything is in a different language. No. It’s not in a different language, its all in Italian! They go shopping and can’t seem to find anything. I bet MTV refused to let them carry around translation dictionaries. Either that or they are as dumb as people think they are.

“You wanna do sex?”

Back at the house, Sam and Deena decide to cook. This is a good idea. Sam did a pretty good job of stuffing herself between seasons so she should be an ace at stuffing sausage. The guys look terrified at the thought of letting the girls cook and rightfully so. Sam hasn’t even started to cook and is having problems removing a knife from the holder/block. Then she discovers that something is wrong with the strawberries! Sh wrinkles up that infamous lip and nose to show that she’s really disgusted, like any pig would, and asks if they are okay to use like that. Dena informs her that they are “like, raspberries.” I would’ve slapped Sam’s weave off for that one so I officially nominate Deena for sainthood. About that weave, why is Sam wearing it 24/7 now? I remember when she’d come home and sassily unclip her hair whilst Ronnie longingly waited for a chance to sneak it onto his fauxhawk when Sam wasn’t looking. Perhaps she thinks that the more she resembles the girl from the Ring the better chance she’ll have of taking Ronnie to hell in the next seven days. Incidentally, Sam went to my college and as if being from Jersey wans’t embarassing enough she has now made my degree worth about as much as the business card that holds the contact info of JWoww’s plastic surgeon.

I think I can, I think I can…

I’ll help with dinner as soon as I can part my lips.

Uhhh, this may take a while.

If there was any doubt that she had any work done, that should have been removed once seeing JWoww try to eat that chip. It was same way Kim KArdashian, Danielle Staub and Taylor from RHOBH eats. It’s like a new trend in show busines: 87 is the new 30! So sad…the girls take off before they finish cooking but they end up eating while they’re out. The boys are tired of waiting and fortunately they decide to just cook dinner themselves. The girls try to start an argument about it when they get home but they realize that the boys food is edible and they shut the hell up and stuff their face. Oh, and Snooki pointedly asks for salad lest we forget that she’s The Incredible Hulk now. Later on she calls her boyfrined Jionni and he acts like a little bitch because she went a day without calling him. She tries to explain herself but it doesn’t work out too well. Mike takes this oppoprtunity to comfort her.

Mike: Snooks, you deserve a man that will put you on cloud 9. Apparently your feet have been there but I can take your whole body.

Vinny gets a call from Marco; he’s their boss at their new job – a pizzeria. I’m glad they’re not working somewhere stereotypical like a trattoria or a ristorante. They walk to the pizzeria for orientation and are fortunate enough to stop by the “Vatican”. Wow, talk about two birds one stone! They ‘ll probably pass the Liberty Bell and Coliseum on the next block. They get to the pizzeria late and Marco calls them on it. Pauly D’s respose “Yeah budy.” Oh to be young and not give a crap. Pauly could buy Marco, his pizzeria and his entire village with his weekly MTV/endorsement paycheck. Cocky bastard. Oh and if you’re reading this Pauly, marry me. The pizzeria is really hot and poor hungover Jwoww wasn’t prepared.

“My feckin’ face is regressing. If I walk out of here looking 25 years old instead of 47, so help me Gad!”

Then she says that when she’s 80 and making pizza and her kids question where she learned to make pizza, she will respond and yes this is the actual quote:

“Bitch, I made it in Florence. So shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza”.

First of all, JWoww is sorely mistaken if she thinks she will have a kitchen at the age of 80. She might eat in a kitchen along with the other aging reality stars but she will be required to leave each morning at 6AM and squeeze her boobs together on the streets of Staten Island for formaldehyde injections. Second, why all the anger JWoww? We all know that your kids will be the result of some torrid hate f*ck session that she has with her trainer/body dismorphic igniter but she can go to jail for premeditated abuse. Third, why did she wait until the age of 80 to teach her kids how to make pizza? They should b the angry ones. Lastly, can one enjoy pizza with a shut mouth? I rest my case.

Marco, starts showing them how to make pizza and Pauly yells out something that I think translated to pay attention. Marco wasn’t thrilled with the yelling.

“This is international sign language for, I will murder you and leave your body in the alleys of Florence where no man’s cries are heard. A delightful young painter, who incidentally is the man standing behind me, will use your blood to dot his canvas and I will proudly display that painting on a mounted blowout above this wood burning stove. Now, shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza.”

Marco calls Snooki up to practice making a pizza. She thinks that speaking Italian is a pre-requisite for being able to make pizza and she may be right because she doesn’t understand anything Marco’s saying. They want to make a pepperoni pizza and Marco questions whether they want pizza with sweet peppers or hot salami. These damn Italians, always having to one up us with their fancy terms. They can’t just let pepperoni be pepperoni. Next thing you know, they’ll be calling Chef Boyardee’s beef ravioli “inauthentic.” Whatever Italy! Millions of American children have been raised by neglectful parents who couldn’t be bothered to take 14 minutes and 47 seconds out of their day to boil some pasta and heat up jarred sauce and instead were fed canned dirt and they turned out just fine. Most of them aren’t serial killers. Yet.

After orientation, JWoww tries to make coffee and seems to succeed after crushing the beans with a cheese grater. In her defense she tried to find a hammer but those uncivilized Italians dropped the ball again. She laments, that they are definitely not in America anymore. So traveling through customs, driving on streets narrower than my bathroom, being exposed to thousands of years of art work and living in a castle didn’t drive home the fact that she was in a foreign land but making coffee made her appreciate her Amercan citizenship. I’m with her! I don’t know if I could go a month or two without my Dunkin’ Donuts fix.

That night, they go to the club and Mike meets a girl named Florida Whore. She’s blond, scraggly looking and looks about 15 years old. It’s like the stars aligned for this moment! Snooki keeps saying that the girl is ugly and even calls over Pauly to confirm this. Mike starts feeling insecure about his pick but Pauly D tells him that she is cute. It’s like they’re 10 yeard old. Who cares if she’s cute if she’s DTF? Ronnie is drunk as hell and says at one point that if he’s having a good time then they’re all having a good time. OMG, he doesn’t know how right he is! When he and Sam go at it it sucks the evening of any potential fun they would have had. Let’s hope it stays that way. Oh wait. Ronnie tells his BFF JWoww, that he’s having Hannah come and visit in a few weeks. Sam will be freaking out in Episode 3,2,1… JWoww runs over to Pauly and tells him. It’s the horniest version if “Telephone” ever.

Ronnie is sloppy drunk at this point and tries to conmmit a drunken robbery on Mike’s girl by making her choose between his and mike’s abs. Mike only won because, he provided the blow but if it wasn’t for that….he still would’ve won. Ronnie is a mess and even has toilet paper on his face.

Two of these words stopped being cool about 17 years ago. What is this a Wheel of Fortune Before & After Puzzle? He’s also a Love Machine Gun.

Sam , who’s become an expert in lip reading, manages to interpret Ronnie telling Vinny that he slept with four girls before he left home. Sam starts yelling “No” “Don’t” “Stop or my mom won’t shoot because she has no regard for the fact that her daughter was made a fool of on national TV and lost her favorite pair of nerd glasses.” Ronnie’s response:

Dance like Catwoman until she walks away.

Vinny tries to stop the madness and tells Ronnie that he’s not putting up with the fighting this time. Sam and Snooki go outside and Sam says that she doesn’t know what to do. Should she just sit in a corner she asks? As a matter of fact, yes. Go sit in a corner in a forest and wait for that BLair Witch lady to show up so you can get the hell off of this show. The only value she’s added have been her fights with JWoww and that epic fight with Ronnie last season. I think I’d almost rather have Angelina back at this point. Everyone leaves the club and Deena manages to act sober enough to not get arrested by the cops for public intoxication. The more I look at her, the more I see Joe Pesci with a wig. A really great wig though! I love that she starts growling at Sam that she’s fine and then faceplants about 10 seconds later. Ronnie even falls on his way home but manages to get right back up while JWoww laughs. She’s perfectly coherent because she won’t let any high caloric beverages in her mouth. Actually, the fact that she botoxed the crap out of her face also won’t let her let any high caloric beverages in her mouth. Fortunately for Mike, his Floridian girl comes home and will let anything in her mouth.

Yeah. This is appealing.

I’m kind of surprised that MTV showed that. It was pretty clear what was going on and wow…they’ve hit a new low along with Florida’s US ranking. This girl left the country only to end up banging a dude from Jersey. Damn Florida, first Casey Anthony now this chick. It’s a sick, sad world.

Snooki keeps saying that the girl is ugly and tries to get Vinny to agree with her. Eventually, Mike finishes up and calls the girl a cab home. The cab ride of shame follows but not before Snooki calls the girl a whore. They’re really trying to make this Snooki and Mike storyline play out but I still don’t quite buy it. We shall see though. After Mike’s session, he talks to Snooki and says that there’s something between them. Snooki downplays it and makes it seem like they are just really close friends. I wish I could say I cared..next!

The next morning, the gang heads out to do laundry and get food. Vinny seaks up and says that he is tired of Sam and Ronnie’s fighting. everyone pipes up and starts saying the same thing and encourage her to just have fun and not care about what he’s doing. Mike, who’s never satisfied with progress, jumps in and says that Ronni said he was having five girls come to the house. Ugh, Sammi Stankface is back. Unless this ends with Ronnie breaking her new glasses, I’m not interested.

Back at the house, Vinny wants to get in the jaccuzzi so he asks Ronnie to get in with him. Eh? Out of all of the girls and his life partner Pauly, he chooses Ronnie? Then, he tells Ronnie that he’ll get in there naked to sweeten the deal. Ronnie totally goes for it. This is one couple I’d like to see.

Yeah and dangerous! Haven’t you seen Hot Tub Time Machine?!

Deena and Mike keep finding new ways to gross out America. Mike gets into Deena’s bed but she gets up and asks if he wants to smoke instead. Maybe the cane turned her off.

The cover of “Creepy Old Guy Weekly”.

The next mornig, they head out for breakfast but first Deena shares that Mike tried to cuddle with her and everyone laughs about it.  I think Deena just wanted to make herself seem desirable to Pauly and show her twisted loyalty to this kid who doesn’t really want her. at breakfast, they ask Mike about his drunken exploits including the Deena incident. Pauly shouts her out and Deena tries to diffuse it but Pauly won’t let up. Then Mike jumps in and claims that he was not trying to cuddle. Deena is pissed at Pauly. I feel a little dumber just for writing about that exchange.

That night as the gang preps for the club, Pauly D makes Deena’s puppet fist pump. That just sounded all kinds of wrong.

Still wrong. And creepy.

They head out, fist pump, realize that the girls there are underage and come up with ways to stay out of hail i.e. checking bicycles for baskets, parenta controls on DVD and asking girls if they know who Tony Bennett is. Sam tries to ruin the fun as usual by asking Ronnie to talk. It’s Italy and it’s the club! Just stop the madness! Ronnie, to his credit, refuses to have this convo because when he wants to talk soberly, she doesn’t want to do so. Deena keeps trying to stop Sam’s stupidity but like Ebrt and ernie getting married, it ain’t gonna happen.

Back at the house, Mike calls his Floridian masterpiece, Pauly and Deena cuddle and Sam tries to have the talk again. I guess we assume that Make gets it in and /or on. Ronnie tells Pauly that he and Deena should judt do it already and Pauly immediately gets up, walks into his room and asks if a sleeping Vinny wants chapstick.

That’s gotta be slang for something else.

Sam and Ronnie are in the kitchen and she tells him that she misses and loves him. Ronnie responds that he’s “mad hungry.”  Thank God one of them is being smart about  this but we know it will not last. Let’s just enjoy our drunk Ronnie quotes and call it a week. Thanks for the insightful comments, it really brings a new level of understanding of human behavior in the post modern socialist society. I don’t know what that meant. I’m going on a cruise in three hours; I’ve checked out of real life as of right now. Until next week, a Ronnie quote regarding getting back together with Sam…BTW, I love Single Ronnie.

“F*ck me in the a** with a spiked bat. I’d rather not do that.”