Jersey Shore: The Truth Will Be Delayed Another Week

I can’t believe the season is almost over. Only two more episodes to go, and we are FINALLY getting to the big reveal regarding Snooki’s oral indiscretion with L’il Mikey. About damn time!

Previously on Jersey Shore: One Inch is “the key witness to the crime” between Mike and Snooki; Deena has a big ol’ crush on a guy named Joey; Snooki and Vinny got their flirt on.

Get crazy, get wild, let’s party, get loud, if you wanna have fun and do something crazy (like flash yo’ titties!) What? It’s how the song goes.

Tonight the cast is going to Jenk’s. Vinny and Snooki walk in from their date that wasn’t a date on the boardwalk, and the Meatballs, Vinny and Pauly sit down for a debriefing (not like that!) in the Bromance Bedroom. Deena wants to know if there was any sexual tension.

“We were just playing pool!” they protest coyly.

Pauly tells Snooki that she’s not allowed to take his man on dates. I don’t think he’s joking, you guys. “Was it a full service date?” Pauly asks. No, it wasn’t, Snooki confesses. She couldn’t even get Vinny drunk enough to try and take advantage of him. “Stop trying to get in my man’s pants!” Pauly says, and everybody laughs just a little too loudly.

Snooki decides that she’d rather go to bed than go out with everyone to Jenk’s, much to the surprise of her roommates.

The duck phone quacks, and Deena goes to answer it. It’s Joey, asking if everyone is still going to Jenk’s. Deena interviews that she’s really excited to see Joey tonight, but her excitement is short-lived because Joey is calling to let her know that he won’t be there after all.

He says that he will meet her at Karma tomorrow night, and she’s happy to settle for that. In an interview she tells us that everybody else has a boyfriend, and she wants one too. It hadn’t struck me until now that she’s the only single girl in the house, and that must really be hard for her. Sadly, she doesn’t seem to have anything to bring to the table relationship-wise. Sammi’s been with Ronnie since season one (more or less,) JMomm is gorgeous (when she leaves her face alone, at least,) and Snooki is rich and famous. But Deena is just… dumpy, little, not-so-bright Deena. As far as I’ve seen on the show, she can’t even cook. If this were Harry Potter, she would be Peter Pettigrew.

And being Peter Pettigrew sucks.

“Yo, Rammi, you going to Jenk’s?” Vinny growls, as he and Pauly barge into the smush room, where Sammi and Ronni are napping. Their answers, respectively, are “I’m exhausted,” and “Hell, no.” Also: Rammi? Do people call Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “Brangelina?” to their faces? That sort of thing is bad enough in the tabloids, but I think when it crosses over into the way people actually speak to you, it’s time to break up and/or enter witness protection.

Although it was mildly amusing on 30 Rock.

 Deena complains in an interview about how all of the people in couples are staying home instead of going out to Jenk’s. “Why even have a shore house if all you’re going to do is sleep?” she whines. Honestly, just watching this show makes me need to take a nap, I can’t even imagine living at that degree of intensity for more than about twenty minutes. “MVPD!” Deena says as the four single housemates climb into the taxi van.

Pauly interviews that Jenk’s is crazy busy, but he’s found a hot Italian girl from New York, so he’s not going to complain. “It’s like a perfect Friday night,” he tells us. What happened to “Best night ever?” Also, Pauly seems to have a thing for girls with glasses. I have glasses, Pauly! I also have a husband and four kids though, so it probably won’t work out between us.

Next thing you know, they run into Angelina, the cast member that Deena replaced. Pauly interviews that he tried to avoid her. “I don’t want people seeing me with her, it’s a bad look for me,” he tells us. I’ve watched most of season one, and she’s only in it for about five minutes, until she bails because she doesn’t want to pull her weight at the Shore Store (Danny is the world’s meanest boss, you know,) so I don’t know what happened in season two that makes Pauly want to avoid her… fill me in, somebody? Or don’t, I’m actually good either way.

Anyway, the Angelina sighting occupies about 7.3 seconds of the show, and now we have moved on to Mike smooth-talking a girl into coming home with him. “Are you going to take care of me?” she asks him. If you mean sexually, read the recaps; the ‘Gasmii have logically concluded that he has never successfully “taken care” of any of his sexual partners. I’m pretty sure there’s a mathematical proof floating around somewhere regarding that very issue. Anyway, Mike tells her that she’s so cute, how could he not be nice to her? Well, dude, you’re taking her back to the Shore house for a quick bang and a 4am taxi ride home; niceness was never on the table here.

“I’m just so good with women! There definitely should be a butter named after me ‘cos I’m so smooth,” Mike interviews.

The “Full O’Shit” after the word “Crock” is implied.

MVPD get back to the house with a gaggle of girls, and Mike takes his conquest up to the bedroom where he loans her a pair of sweatpants and then goes into the bathroom to change his own outfit (and take his Valtrex.) They then climb into bed. That makes no sense… why change if you’re immediately going to get naked? After he gets the girl into bed and they start making out, she apologizes. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just like… I’m shy.”  BWAHAHAHAHA! I have this whole imaginary story in my head wherein the girl deliberately targeted, hunted, and otherwise enticed Mike into taking her home for the sole purpose of cock-blocking him. “She was down to snuggle, down to make out…” Mike interviews. “It’s now or never.”

Question: Do you, objectively and not taking his god-awful personality into account, think Mike is attractive? He’s obviously ripped, but do you think he’s good looking? Answer in the comments, I’m curious.

Pauly’s girl, Gina is “DTF for sure,” he tells us. However, in the cab on the way home, Gina tells Pauly that she’s on her period. She doesn’t even get invited into the house. “Take your girl” (Gina brought a friend… well, two friends, I suppose) “and your tampons with you,” Pauly interviews. He does, however, tell Gina to call him when things clear up.

It’s morning, and in a shocking display of non-douchebaggery, we see that Mike allowed his girl to spend the night even though she didn’t put out. He can’t remember her name, but that would be the case even if they did smush, so whatever. After sending her out to the curb to wait for her cab, Mike picks up the duck phone and places a bagel order. “Guess what, I think of others, so I’m ordering for the whole team,” he tells us. He must want something. The food arrives, and Mike had paid for the food with a credit card over the phone, so he begins looking for cash to tip the delivery boy with. He wakes up various housemates to see if anybody has any cash, but no one does. “I’ll send him away with fucking juice or something,” Mike decides. And then, I kid you not, gives the poor kid a bag of protein shake mix.

Have fun trying to deposit that into your college fund, industrious delivery boy!

“In the Guido world,” Mike interviews, “Protein is like money!” You know what else is like money, Mike? Money. “I’m giving out protein powder, I’m trying to better your life,” Mike continues. “Fix the diet, kid.” It has obviously not crossed his mind that maybe this delivery boy doesn’t want to be a juicehead when he grows up. Also, didn’t he have to sign the credit card slip when the food was delivered? And was there not a line for the tip on that credit card slip? You just suck, Mike.

The rest of the roommates gradually make their way downstairs. JMomm tells everyone that Paul Bunyan is coming tonight, and she wants to go do some shopping at the sex store. It’s their one-year anniversary, and she wants to “go fun. Fake rose petals with a lot of bondage things laid out on the bed.” She is particularly excited about the vagina mold. TMI, Jenni. Dial it back a notch.

The girls arrive at The Love Shack, where JMomm starts shopping for her “romantic” night (even she put it in finger quotes.) “Nothing says romance more than clone-a-pussy and handcuffs,” she tells us. Having found the requisite items, she pays and they start driving home.

In the car, Deena tells the girls that she is going to wear her leopard bra to make her boobs look bigger. JMomm asks Deena if she really likes Joey, and after receiving an affirmative answer, says, “K, cos I heard some stuff….” She interviews that she sees bad news when she looks at Joey. Don’t we all? Deena doesn’t want to talk about it, and Sammi and JMomm agree to drop it.

“The girls are just pissing me off with the whole Joey thing,” Deena interviews. She thinks they have no business trying to rain on her parade when they both have boyfriends. Sammi interviews that she doesn’t know what’s going on, but she feels like Deena needs to keep her eyes open. They stop by a hair salon so Deena can pick up her extensions, and while Deena is inside, JMomm asks Sammi if she really thinks Joey likes Deena. Sammi doesn’t, and neither does JMomm. And neither do I.

It’s time for Mike, Snooki, and Ronnie to go to work. Snooki is in the kitchen filling an empty Diet Coke bottle with Southern Comfort. She’s only 24, and I bet her liver is as hard as a block of marble. She also needs to cut back on the tanning, because she’s so orange already, once jaundice sets in they won’t even be able to tell.

“Ya know, when I woke up today, I said to myself, ‘Today’s gonna be a good day at the Shore Store,” Mike tells us. And lo and behold, he is actually out on the floor interacting with customers. He’s so busy working that he hasn’t even had time to put his uniform shirt on.

I think he’s as baffled by this sudden appearance of a work ethic as the rest of us are.

Pauly and Vinny are going to go play pool at EJ’s (the FUN bar). Pauly is concerned that Vinny is going to be drowned out by Pauly’s extreme degree of freshness. As they walk down the boardwalk, Vinny says that he was killing in pool the day before, but Pauly points out that he was playing Snooki. Snooki probably needs to stand on a step stool in order to make a shot. The boys use this opportunity away from the house to complain about how much it sucks that most of the people in the house are in a couple. Like the two of them. With one another. Which Vinny eventually points out.

Back at work, Snooki tells Mike that she is going to have sex that night after they get back from Karma. “You are?” he asks, and there is an audible whirring noise as the wheels of fuckery begin spinning in his brain. Danny tells the three roommates to go take their break, and Mike says that he doesn’t want to do anything, he just wants to chill and take it easy, but the other two should definitely go do something.

The wheels in Mike’s brain go ’round and ’round, ’round and ’round, ’round and ’round

As soon as Ronnie and Snooki are safely out of the store, Mike goes into a storage room and phones One Inch. “Tonight’s the night!” Mike tells him. “I need to make sure you’re there, because he’s gonna be there, and we need to make sure that tonight’s the night it happens.” In an interview, Mike reminds us, “I’ve been trying to plan this master plan for a number of weeks now, and time is running out, the summer is almost over, and it’s about to go down.” We’ve been waiting for you to put this plan into effect for a number of weeks now, Mike, and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure nobody cares any more. Mike tells One Inch that Snooki has been trying to play him like a chess piece, and it’s time for her to take her medicine. Has anybody else noticed the way Mike’s body language gets all pseudo-gangsta when he’s on the phone with One Inch? So annoying. “I am definitely not leaving this house without showing people that I’m not a liar,” he interviews.

The girls get back from the sex shop, and JMomm tells Sammi and Deena that she is going to take a shower and then decorate the smush room.

Meanwhile, Deena has pulled out all the stops by wearing a girl-on-girl T-shirt, and still doesn’t have a boyfriend.

JMomm interviews that she’s trying to keep things fun because she and Paul Bunyan aren’t really what you might call romantic. I never would have guessed.

Walking back home from EJ’s, the Vinny and Pauly decide to reclaim the smush room. “The smush room is supposed to be for SINGLE PEOPLE,” interviews Pauly, “not for people to bring their boyfriends to every night.” Their solution? They are going to take the bed out of the room. People have been screwing on that nasty bare mattress for years now, I’m not really sure what will keep them from screwing on the carpet where the bed used to be, but whatevs. They carry the mattress and box spring out onto the Soafed Balcony of Solitude, and Vinny interviews that it’s not much, but they’re trying to send a message that the smush room can’t be used as a couple’s retreat. What’s wrong with a good, old-fashioned, severed horse’s head in the bed? Remember your cultural heritage, boys!

Sammi busts the boys in the middle of their crazy, wacky hijinks.

“Jenni’s gonna be pissed,” she tells us. With the smush room bed gone, her anniversary plans will be ruined. Ruined, I tell you! Except, it’s a queen size mattress and box spring, so it’s not really going to be all that hard to find. “Say one word to anyone, I’ll fucking kill you,” Vinny warns Sammi, as he closes the door in her face. They finish hiding the bed, and go back inside.

JMomm is carting an armful of pillows and bedding and who knows what else upstairs. “Shit’s about to hit the fan,” Vinny warns Pauly. “What the fuck happened to the smush bed?!” JMomm asks as she walk into the room. Sammi is doing her makeup in the closet mirror, and although she doesn’t rat Pauly and Vinny out, she does direct JMomm to the balcony.

Somehow JMomm is able to see past this masterful disguise.

Pauly is pretending to nap, but given that his gift for subterfuge is on par with Maxwell Smart’s, JMomm knows it was him and Vinny who moved the bed. Luckily for our favorite heterosexual gay couple, JMomm finds the prank to be highly amusing. She interviews that she’s going to get them back, but come on. It was cute and no real harm was done, and everybody involved had a good time, so I think she’ll just let it go.

She wrestles the bed back into the smush room, completely squicked out by how dirty it is. I guess you should have used sheets then, huh? After setting it back up and actually making it, she tells us that she is going to decorate it Jersey style, with rose petals and bondage equipment. Furry handcuffs, various sex toys, and a bottle of powerade for each bedside table (gotta keep those electrolytes up, you know!) and the room is set.

Now that the smush room is all classy (*snort*), JMomm goes downstairs to dressed for Paul Bunyan’s arrival. Meanwhile, the boys sneak upstairs to check out her decorating job. Vinny interviews that their plan to reclaim the smush room was all for naught, because the single people in the house are outnumbered by couples. Which isn’t true, but anyway. He gripes that JMomm turned the room into an “old person’s smush room,” which, unless old people have a penchant for creating rubber replicas of their junk, not so much.

Sidebar: I googled the clone-a-cooter that JMomm bought, and you can find the deets in this NSFW link. My favorite part of the description is the helpful suggestions for what to do once the model is complete, such as a magnet, a keychain (?!), and a paperweight.

Remember the dress JMomm wore to Karma the last time Paul Bunyan came over? Tonight’s outfit is equally revealing; it even elicits a “Holy shit!” from Pauly D.

I hope she used industrial strength double-sided tape.

Paul Bunyan arrives, and JMomm hurries to answer the door. He literally cannot take his eyes off her boobs as he says, “Every time you answer the door, you’re more naked than the last time.” It’s true. If the season were a few weeks longer, she’d be wearing nothing but pasties and a G-string by the season finale. At least she’s got the body for it. In the kitchen, Ronnie is laughing, “You can’t wear that shirt!” JMomm wants to make the night very special for Paul Bunyan, and maybe she’s trying to start another fight over her at Karma so that he can feel like a proper dominant male. He goes up to put his stuff in the smush room and is delighted by both the decor and the toys. JMomm interviews that even though you should never fall in love at the Jersey Shore, she did and she’s happy that Paul Bunyan is her boyfriend. (This week.)

Vinny interviews that the whole crew is going to Karma tonight, and he is ready to go in his plaid T-shirt with the denim in it.

I had this exact shirt. In 1983. When I was six.

He walks into the living room, and gives Pauly, Ronnie, and Paul Bunyan one minute to snark on his outfit.
Pauly: Your sister was kind enough to give you her whole outfit, shoes and all?!
Ronnie: When I cook tonight, I can I use your shirt as the barbecue mat?
Pauly: Is that a jert? That’s a jert!
Pauly: Can we just call you Urkel?
Paul Bunyan: I loved you in the Dukes of Hazzard.
Aaaaannndddd… time’s up.

Deena is wearing her “bombshell bra,” hoping to suck Joey in to the vortex created by her cleavage. Ronnie tells her that Joey just wants to get it in. “He doesn’t want to go out with you, he just wants to get it in.” Deena protests that Joey calls her. In an interview, JMomm says, “That Ronnie confirms the fact that Joey does not like Deena is just the icing on the cake.” Everybody and their brother knows that Joey is just using Deena for camera time and sex, but you know the old saying: there is none so blind as those who will not see.

Snooki confirms that Jionni will be there, and Mike is thrilled with the news.

He is such a ray of sunshine.

In the confessional a (coked up?) Mike tells us to pop some popcorn, sit back and watch, because it is going down tonight. “Trouble’s my middle name,” he says. I give it five minutes before he’s whinging about how nobody loves him.

Off to Karma! The cast arrives, and who does Snooki see but Jionni’s parents? Wow. I can’t even fathom taking my parents out clubbing. Snooki interviews that she loves Jionni’s parents, and she is very thankful that they still love her after everything that happened in Italy. We’ll see if they still love her after Operation Ruin Snooki’s Relationship goes into effect.

Mike has spotted One Inch, who, he reminds us, is an “integral part” of ORSR. It’s time to go for the master plan. Seriously, he talks about this with the same level of intensity that I imagine existed when D-Day was coordinated. Mike feeds One Inch his lines, and then tells us that it’s time for Snooki to take her own medicine. Douche and Douchier strategize how best to pull off their mission, and decide to begin by locating their targets.

Deena has found Joey, and actually confronts him about what her roommates have been saying. Good for her. “I hear you’ve been hanging out with me for the wrong reasons,” she begins. “Who told you that?” he asks, to which she responds, “People.” In my experience, “Who told you that?” and “Where did you hear that?” are questions asked in order to buy time so that the guilty party can quickly work on his cover story. Deena interviews that Joey is denying everything right and left, and she doesn’t know what to believe. “Do you want to come back with me?” she asks him, and he tells her that they’ll figure it out. “Let’s have fun, I just got here,” he tells her.

“Joey is definitely on my radar,” Sammi interviews. She doesn’t trust him at all, and is determined to look out for Deena’s best interests whether Deena likes it or not. In the club, she tells Deena, “I don’t know about him. I don’t want you to get hurt or fucked over or have to deal with bullshit.” Sadly for Deena, she has the word “doormat” tattooed across her forehead in ink that only bastardly assholes can read, and she isn’t mature enough/secure enough/self-aware enough to pick up on the same signals that her roommates can pick up on when it comes to sleazy guys.

Speaking of sleazy guys, Mike is telling One Inch, “This is not me directly going at it.” Well, no kidding, Captain Obvious. We’ve been dealing with this nonsense for nine weeks now, which is I don’t know how long in actual filming time, but if everything happened before you went to Italy it has been months and months of you scheming how to create the most dramatic reveal in regards to what happened. “Myself and Unit… we’re ready to give her a taste of her own medicine,” Mike interviews.

You keep on using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Snooki has spotted One Inch, and is hoping that he hasn’t seen her. Meanwhile, Mike is introducing himself to Jionni’s parents. “It isn’t a good thing that Jionni’s family’s there, cos it just messes things up,” Mike interviews. “You don’t want things to get too messy.” This is only the 4000th spanner to be thrown into the works of Mike’s master plan, he should be used to it by now. I will say one thing for the Schiztuation, he is very persistant. “The moment will present itself, and the Situation will present the truth,” he tells us. Actually, the Situation’s skeevy friend will present the truth, but let’s not get hung up on details. Jionni finally makes an appearance, and Schizt and his pet Inch Worm step back for a bit, not wanting to cause a scene in front of Jionni’s parents (I’m guessing.)

“I’m into money and women,” Vinny is telling a group of blurry-faced girls. “Karma, tonight… honestly, I’ve seen better,” he interviews. There are a lotta, a lotta grenades here tonight.” We are then treated to several shots of back fat and flabby thighs.

Is that (gasp!) cellulite?! To the lifeboats, quickly!

“When it comes to grenades, you usually want to bounce before that blows up. You don’t want it to blow up in your face or even at the club, cos you don’t want to hurt anybody,” Pauly tells us. Pauly then tries to direct the undesirable female attention that he is receiving to Vinny and his dashing denim shirt.

After a party-tage, we see Snooki telling Jionni that she needs him to come home with her RIGHT NOW. Mike and One Inch intercept them before they can make it out of the club, and Mike tells Jionni that they need to get some shots soon. Jionni nods, but Snooki is hell bent on getting back to the house. She interviews that she wants to get home before One Inch and Mike can start any drama because it’s not necessary. Mike, using his super-sleuth skills, has deduced that Snooki knows that she needs to keep Jionni away from him and One Inch. That being the case, Mike tells One Inch that he needs to come back to the house, since Snooki and Jionni have left the club. “What am I gonna do now? Plan B, gotta go back to the crib,” Mike interviews. For the love of God, can we please just get this over with already? I’m starting to have dreams about it. Mike makes a bizarre analogy regarding a chicken and a pit bull in a cage, and eventually the chicken is going to get caught.

Pauly is despairing over the low hotness level at Karma tonight, and philosophically interviews that “you don’t gotta smash every night.” He and Vinny take off so that they don’t accidentally take an ugly girl home.

Deena is looking for Joey. She interviews that she’s annoyed. “I want to know if Joey likes me or if he’s using me for sex,” she says. She finds him and asks if he’s really going to hang out with her. “That’s like the tenth time you’ve asked me that,” he tells her.  “Please stop asking me that.”

And Sammi’s Spidey Sense starts tingling.

Joey tells Deena that she’s being annoying, and I get that. But Joey is also not hanging out with Deena like he supposedly is there to do, so I also get her trying to get a straight answer out of him. And when his words don’t match up with his actions, what Deena ought to do is say “Fuck it,” and move on. “If you’re someone who listens to what everybody says, then I don’t want to talk to you in general,” Joey says. Deena replies that she’s heard that he doesn’t like her at all, and she wants to know what is up. Joey responds by walking away, and of course, Deena follows him. “At this point, I’m like over it. I’m embarassed, I put myself out there for this kid, and I’m like, ‘Fuck you,’” Deena interviews. As she walks out of the club, we see Joey and a couple of other people watching her from the upper level of the club. “Can you believe that chick?” Joey’s friend says. Poor Deena. I mean it.

Deena, Sammi & Ronnie, and JMomm & Paul Bunyan have all left the club, leaving Mike there with One Inch. Mike tells One Inch that he needs to come back to the house, and as they leave the club, One Inch stumbles off the curb. “My boy Unit, he seems a little drunk,” Mike interviews, which is like saying that Carrot Top has used a little bit of steroids.

I rest my case.

Mike really needs One Inch to be on point right now, and attempts to steer him back to the house. The plan is to sober One Inch up a bit so that they can talk to Jionni, but One Inch is so completely wasted that he isn’t even speaking English. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody get that drunk and remain conscious.

The other roommates have made it back home. “What’s going to go on upstairs is just gross,” Pauly tells Vinny in the Bromance Bedroom. As opposed to the tasteful and class stuff that usually goes on upstairs.

Mike is basically carrying One Inch’s drunk ass back to the house, as One Inch continues to slur and stutter his way through what he no doubt believes is a riveting and heartfelt conversation. They see a police car, and Mike tells One Inch to pull it together before he gets arrested. Does One Inch follow this advice?

Not so much.

Mike is extremely annoyed by this new turn of events. “Every time I’m ready to drop the bomb on Jionni, something happens,” he complains. Maybe you should take the hint, Mike. He arrives home alone, and immediately phones his friend Mikey to share the news about One Inch’s arrest. “It’s turned into Mission Free Unit,” Mike tells us. Ronnie, who has some first-hand knowledge of the Seaside Heights justice system tells Mike to go to bed, nothing can be done for One Inch until the morning. Mike is stressing, but finally accepts that there is nothing he can do tonight.

Going-to-bed-tage. Mike interviews that with One Inch in jail, it’s going to be hard for him to get the truth out to Jionni, and he’s going to have to handle it himself. Geez Louise, you couldn’t have thought of that six episodes ago?

It’s morning, and Mike calls Mikey back to find out if there’s any new info regarding One Inch. As he hangs up the phone, Jionni meanders into the kitchen sans Snooki. “There’s no God damn way this kid just walked in front of me and Nicole’s still sleeping!” Mike interviews. Alas, that does seem to be precisely what is happening. Jionni is looking for some water, and Mike says that he has some water. “The probability of this happening is just insane. This is my moment.” So. Freaking. Bored. Mike asks Jionni if he can speak with him privately out on the Pee-io, and Jionni agrees. Just you, me, and a camera crew, buddy! “I’m gonna make this quick and as painless as possible,” Mike tells Jionni, and… the episode is over. Of course.

The producers told me to look really worried for the next few minutes.

Next time on Jersey Shore: Mike finishes his little chat with Jionni; Snooki goes on a rampage; the rest of the roommates have a Joeyvention with Deena; the cast goes camping.

See you real soon in the minicap for the next episode!

<3, SuburBint