Jersey Shore: Touching Vinny

Let’s pick right back up on Sammi making her Grand Re-Entrance to the shore house.  She’s all kinds of nervous.  Ronnie’s bummed because Sammi walking through the door totally rained on his Ron-Ron juice blending parade.

“Why do you always have to ruin my life, you whore!”

He tells us he was just starting to find himself and she walked through the door, basically putting a stop to all of that self-discovery.  Well Ronnie, she may have misread your “stay away” messages, like all those roses you sent and your phone call begging her to come back.  Girls can be thick like that.

On the other hand, the girls are very happy to see Sammi.  Snooki hugs her and twirls around while holding a mug and sloshing liquid all over the place and Deena says she’s so “hestatic” she almost cried.  She says “hestatic” means super happy and really happy.  She DOESN’T say it’s a cross between “happy” and “ecstatic,” so I think she’s just confused.

“It’s the opposite of ‘sepressed,’ which means very, very sad.”

The guys are out on the patio with Ronnie and Vinny tells him that Sammi’s cool and all, but there’s been no fighting and let’s keep it that way.  Yeah right.  But good for Vinny for saying something.  Mike is less thrilled about Sammi’s return.  He IS the one that shared a room with them all this time.  The boys come back inside and Ronnie gives Sammi a little pat and asks how she’s doing.  She tells him he looks pale.  He says that’s cause he just saw a ghost.

Now the girls go out on the patio to smoke and gossip.  They all tell Sammi what a mess Ronnie’s been since she’s left and Sammi’s like, “Well he needs to go through it.  I’ve been put through enough, blah blah blah.”  Which to me sounds like when she feels he’s sufficiently suffered she’ll take him back, which just SUCKS.  Can’t she just be determined to go forward and walk away from that mess?  I might have a modicum of respect for her if she’d do that.

Inside Mike tells Ronnie that he feels for him and Pauly D goes, “I feel no different.”  HA!  Then Mike starts saying, “Was he talking to a girl?  Was he talking to a girl at the gym?  Dancing?  Eating?  Did he talk to the waitress?”  Ha, that’s exactly how Sammi talks, too.  So desperate and pathetic.  Like the stuff you would ask if you had a boyfriend in eighth grade.

Plans to go out tonight are moving forward!  The entire gang is walking to Karma.  But before they leave, Snooki tells Vinny that she really wants to cuddle tonight, but that she understands if he sees a girl he wants to bring home.

“I didn’t hook up last night, so I’m practically re-virginized.”

She tells us that she named his anatomy Moby Dick (how original) and she wants to try again to “see if it would work.”  They all take shots and head out.

At Karma Sammi is on better behavior than she was during her last nightclub appearance, so that’s good.  No standing on tables screaming for hot guys.  Ronnie follows her around, tells her she looks beautiful and tries to hold her hand, but Sammi stands her ground and won’t let him get to her.

“Not until the 23rd time you ask. You’ve got to go through this.”

I think she’s probably feeling very powerful over him, and I hope she stays in this mindset.  The minute she let’s this guard drop it’ll be back to the same old, same old.  She tells us again that she wants him to suffer, which again makes me think this empowerment is all temporary.  Ronnie finally gives up following her around and leaves to walk home.  I keep waiting for Sammi to cave and follow him.  Astonishingly, she doesn’t.

In fact, she’s busy listening to Snooki go on about how much she likes Vinny.  Sammi offers to find out if Vinny likes her back, confirming my previous theory about her living in an eighth grade world.  Snooki gets more dramatic, saying if Vinny brings home a girl she’s going to kill herself.  I’m sure the alcohol is aggravating this nonsense, because when they left the house Snooki told Vinny she didn’t mind if he found a girl to bring home.  And finding a girl he is!  He’s found an eager-looking girl named Laura, who says she is Dominican.  Vinny tells us he likes Dominican girls because they have tanned skin, big butts and full lips.  This particular girl looks African Dominican, so to say she’s tan is like Snooki saying Obama is tan.  Laura tells Vinny she wants to have 10 of his babies, like right now, so she’s definitely DTF.   As luck would have it, Laura has a friend who is also DTF for Pauly D!  It’s time for these four to make an exit.

Wow, that girl must go tanning like, a lot.

Snooki has reached the point where she’s just repeating, “I want to touch Vinny,” over and over in a whiny voice, so Sammi finally takes her home.  Home where the two Dominican girls are getting busy in neighboring twin beds with Vinny and Pauly D.  So awkward!  That would be so embarrassing!  They continually do this, though, so there must be plenty of ho’s who don’t care.  Snooki bursts in to try and touch Vinny, and, seeing what’s going on, screams, “Really!?”  Sammi comes in after her, goes right up to Vinny’s bed and says, “Who do you have?”  Ha ha ha!  Sex is like drinking a glass of water to these people.  No privacy required, and really no big deal.  But Ronnie comes in and physically picks up first Snooki, then Sammi, and places them out in the hallway and shoos them away.  That could be the only sensible thing Ronnie’s ever done.

“But why does Pauly D get to watch?”

Sammi’s like, “That’s not okay, Ronald!”  Oh save it for when he’s throwing your underwear over the balcony, Sammi.  Snooki’s screaming that she hates Ronnie, and he tells her to realize that Vinny likes her, but to give him his space because he’s got a girl in his bed.  Oh that sentence makes tons sense.  He tries to reason with Snooki, who finally just stomps away, saying she’s over Vinny.

Then Ronnie tries to talk to Sammi, who tells him she can’t be with a liar/cheater and she’s not going to fall for his antics.

“You look hungry, Ronald. Have a bite of toast.”

Ronnie’s like, “I’m getting mind effed right now,” but I don’t really see how.  Sammi’s being pretty clear – for once.  She gets up and flashes her panties at us while Ronnie tells us he’s so confused.

Elsewhere, Jwoww and Deena are walking home from Karma.  Deena is on drunken cloud nine because she found a napkin in her purse with someone’s phone number on it.  She says she’ll keep it always.  You do that, Deena.  Who knows who gave it to you.  Jwoww once again has to pee and doesn’t want to bother finding a bathroom.  At least she’s outside this time, but while popping her squat she manages to pee on Deena’s foot.  Gross!

As long as she didn’t pee on your number-napkin, Deena.

Oh look!  Vinny and Pauly D have finished up and are calling cabs for the Dominican girls.  Thanks for stopping by!  I bet you feel greatly appreciated.  Snooki is in her bed sobbing while Sammi tries to comfort her by saying the Dominican girl looked like a rodent.  That’s exactly what a girl would say to her friend, no matter what the girl in question actually looked like.  Vinny and Pauly D settle in at the table for a post-coital snack and Ronnie tells Vinny that Snooki is bawling.  Pauly D goes, “That’s her, drunk.”  Bingo!  They talk about how she was just banging Gianni the other night, so it doesn’t make sense.  Then Jwoww comes and asks Vinny to please go talk to Snooki.  So he finally does, all the while telling us what a hypocrite she is.  She wants him to remain celibate while she gets with all of Seaside.  Uh, that’s not exactly the situation, Vinny, but you do have a small point.  He tells her that they’ll talk about it tomorrow, then tucks her in and tells her he loves her.   He tells US that he guesses he’s wrong because he can handle Snooki hooking up with other guys, but she gets upset when he gets with other girls.

“Why won’t she let me spread my seed? I’m a man.”

That’s pretty much how the sex buddy works.  Someone always ends up hurt.  I saw the episode of True Life about this very topic!

The next day is a rainy day, so the gang decides to go bowling.  Snooki is too hungover to join them and she’d rather stay home and pout about Vinny anyway.  As the two cars head for the bowling alley, we learn that Deena is a horrible frightening driver.  She looks like she’s nearly asleep at the wheel.

“Today I’m a DRIVING holiday.”

Miraculously everyone makes it to the bowling alley alive, and Sammi decides to meddle with Vinny, even though Snooki asked her not to.  She’s like, “What’s going on?  Do you like her or no?  You know she’s crying about you day and night.” Thanks Sammi, for making your girl seem even more desperate and pathetic.   Vinny’s like, “Uh…” then Sammi says, “I think you guys should have your own talk – none of my business.”  None of your business?  Could have fooled me.

When they get home Snooki has somewhat recovered and Jwoww talks to her about what’s going on.  She wants to know if Snooki actually likes Vinny or if she was drunk.

“Well define ‘drunk.’ Because even pregnant people drink pinot.”

Snooki says she must really like him or why would she have said all that stuff?   Also she’s embarrassed.  She tells us it’s not a good look for her to be saying she likes Vinny then having him bring home all these girls.  The three girl roommies – minus Snooki – discuss that fact that Snooki wants a relationship so bad that she gets completely attached to every guy she hooks up with.  Yes, we’ve noticed.  Unless they’ve been engaged in the past, then it’s off.  Then Vinny comes into Snooki’s room, where she’s pouting on her bed, but she tells him to go away and leave her alone.

Ugh, back from commercial and back to the bathroom trouble.  Fast Forward!  I hear that they call Danny and he tells them since it’s Sunday night they’re on their own until Monday.  And Monday some juicehead plumbers come and eventually fish a tank top out of one of the toilets.  That is vile.  They tell Snooki they’re surprised there aren’t maggots in the bathroom because apparently it’s been this way for two weeks!

“Forget yous. We’re condemning this property.”

Okay, I have a question for y’all.  They keep referring to the tank top as a bleep tee.  What is the bleep?  I can’t read their lips and I’ve apparently never heard this term.  I’ve heard them called wifebeaters.  What are they saying??

Snooki wants to know, too!

Before the plumbers leave, Snooki asks if they’ll clean the toilet.  They’re like, “uh no.”  They’re actually very good natured considering what they just went through here.  When the boys get back from GTL, none of them will fess up to flushing a tank top down the toilet.  These idiots are so drunk half the time that they honestly may not remember.  On the other hand, who would admit that?  Snooki volunteers to clean the bathroom and she cleans the toilet with cascade.  What is the matter with her?  Didn’t she ever learn how to clean a toilet?  Is she going to put Tidy Bowl in the dishwasher too?

Oh here’s earth shattering news:  Sammi thinks Ronnie has definitely changed.  She loves talking to him now.  Um, didn’t she come back on Saturday night and now it’s Monday?  This is why you’ll always be in crappy relationships, Sammi.  Anyway, Ronnie, Sammi and Snooki decide that they are going to have a sober evening so they head out to Beach Bar where they intend to get virgin margaritas.  The rest of the roommies head to Aztec to see who they can get to come home with them.  Roger is there so he and Jwoww have a reunion, and Mike is trying to get some 21-year-old fetus to come home with him.

Rammi and Snooki come home and want to play a prank on Mike, so they go to the fridge and take out every version of cheese they can find, including cream cheese.

Probably what Mike’s bed smells like anyway.

They also get red pepper and proceed to smear everything under Mike’s mattress.  That is so disgusting.  And will be even worse when a little time passes.  So Mike comes home with this young girl and as they get some ice tea in the kitchen Sammi comments that his beer goggles are terrible.  Ha!  I was thinking the same thing.

All of a sudden it’s a different day and Mike is telling the girls that the girl he brought home the other night smelled like grated cheese and he had to send her home.

“Situation only likes PRETTY girls who smell like cheese.”

Then he sprayed his bed with Axe.  But not before she gave him head, which Jwoww reminds him can give him an STD.  Mike is like, “Nah, not from that.”  What a dumbass.  Jwoww calls a doctor to verify this and the doctor says yes, you can get herpes.  Oh, just herpes.  You know, that STD that HAS NO CURE?  She also asks what it means if a girl smells like grated cheese, and the doctor says most likely a yeast infection.  Mike is all grossed out.  My question is this:  Hasn’t Mike noticed that his bed STILL smells like grated cheese?  Or did the Axe cover the smell all this time?  Of course he never thought to wash his sheets, so the smell is going to remain.

Vinny comes to talk to Snooki yet again, and Snooki apologizes and says she was drunk and that she’s embarrassed.

“Don’t tell Moby Dick. I don’t want him to be mad at me.”

Vinny says he doesn’t want her to cry anymore, but can he keep smashing other girls?  She says yeah as long as she doesn’t see it.  Well!  Glad we got that resolved.

Next week!  Jwoww sees Roger in his car with another girl.  Uh oh.  Will this mean we FINALLY get to see a single Jwoww?

So what is the secret code word for tank top?  Is Sammi going to take Ronnie back?  What else do you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta