Dear ‘Gasmii, how I do love you! Every week as I trudge through the toxic waste that this show spews forth with such reckless abandon, your bright, shiny faces are the light at the end of the metaphorical sewer pipe. Special shout-out this week to Buffy, whose minicap comment inspired this recap title and has kept me giggling all weekend.
Previously on Jersey Shore: Snooki had a UTI; Mike was nice to everybody for 48 hours, felt like this staggering gesture was unappreciated, and ultimately decided that Snooki is trying to turn the other housemates against him; JMomm and
her dad Paul Bunyan are having some tension in their relationship.
We resume where we left off last week, with Mike on the phone to One Inch. He wants the Inchmeister to come and tell Jionni about the supposed Snooki-Mike hook-up. Mike loves to stir up trouble, but doesn’t have the stones to do his own dirty business. Sadly for Mike, One Inch and his ketamine stash are partying down in Miami. Women of Florida, do not leave your drinks unattended!
Please exercise extreme caution if you live in the red zone.
With One Inch unavailable to ruin Snook’s relationship, Mike needs to divert his attention to messing with one of his other roommates. Luckily for him, Deena’s sister Joanie has started dating Mike’s brother Frank. Mike is super supportive of this burgeoning relationship. Why, you ask? “So that I can have more fun with it,” Mike tell us.
One Inch tells Mike that he’s heard some “good things” about Joanie, and I’m assuming by “good” he means “blackmail (or at least potentially embarassing) material,” because the specific thing that he’s heard is that she’s a “squirter.” Why MTV felt it necessary to bleep this word out was a topic of some discussion in the minicap comments, and I would love to hear your perspective on the matter, Gentle Reader.
In a largely bleeped-out interview, Mike lets us know that it is a mystery to him if a girl he’s with is prone to female ejaculation or not, putting to rest any lingering doubts that the viewership might have had regarding whether or not he even makes the slightest effort to satisfy his sexual partners. He probably figures that a voyage aboard the H.M.S. Schitzuation is orgasmic enough of an experience for any woman.
HMS = Herpefied & Mighty Small
“I’m sure I can use that information to my advantage,” Mike says before hanging up the phone. Who thinks like that? How could that knowledge ever come in handy in any circumstance that Mike is likely to encounter?
Snooki’s dad brings her home from her doctor’s appointment, hopefully with lots and lots of antibiotics, and as she tells him goodbye, she exhorts him to “Drink!” That is so not the relationship I had with my dad.
Deena wants to take her semi-annual shower, but Vinny is in the bathroom. He asks if she wants to shower before or after he poops, and she tells him she’ll shower when he’s finished. I can’t believe that with all of the insane stuff these people get up to, that was the most interesting clip they could find to fill those 10 seconds with. WTF, MTV?
As the rest of the house gets ready to go out, Mike excuses himself and goes upstairs to lie down “with a headache.” Maybe he has a brain tumor. That would explain so much. JMomm is also isolating herself at the moment, sitting out on the back deck and moping about Paul Bunyan.
She interviews that she feels like she hasn’t seen enough of him this summer and she’s mind-fucking herself over it. Deena comes outside and asks what’s wrong. JMomm starts to tell her, but then says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” As if Deena doesn’t carry a wealth of helpful and practical relationship information within her wise-beyond-her-years psyche. Deena interviews that she doesn’t like seeing JMomm sad, but “at least she got her hair done.” Forget Oprah, if I ever need help getting my life and priorities in order, I’m calling Deena. That girl has perspective.
OMG, I saw Sammi! Hi, Sammi. Snooki has come up to the Ronnie/Sammi/Mike room and hears Mike snoring. Breathe Right ® Strips, Mike. Look into it. Snooki goes to his bed and shakes his leg to wake him up. Somebody isn’t familiar with the expression “Let sleeping scumbags lie.” Mike rouses sufficiently for her to ask him if he wants to go out with them, but he again pleads a headache and goes back to sleep. Snooki interviews that she is really trying to be a friend to Mike, which in Snookiland means going out and getting wasted together. She blows a raspberry at him and leaves.
Tonight the roomies are partying at Aztec. Vinny interviews that he calls Aztec a sweatbox. “Cos it’s not big, and there’s just sweat and B.O. everywhere.” Sounds a lot like Snooki. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
JMomm is dancing like a zombie, her mind obviously not in the club. The Meatballs find her sitting down and decide to cheer her up by giving her a lap dance. “Really?” JMomm sighs. The trauma of the situation provides her with the impetus to go back home alone. She tells Snooki that she has work in the morning, but in an interview she explains that it’s because she’s feeling bummed about Paul Bunyan. I wonder if she’s missing him or his big blue ox.
Vinny meets a girl named Deanna. “I know that Deanna is probably a sure thing, but she’s only like a five or six. During the weekend, you’re looking for like a seven or an eight.” Oh, Vinny. I was actually fooled into thinking that you were more mature and respectable than the rest of your housemates. You just made my list, boy-o.
Vinny sends Deanna and the girl Pauly was talking to over to Deena for a minute, and he and Pauly have a tete-a-tete involving the crucial decision of whether or not to go home with the girls they already have or stick around a bit longer. It looks like they’re going to go on back to the house, but then Vinny sees a girl who is way hotter than Deanna (in his estimation) and he decides to see if he can get her to come home with him. Deanna comes back while Vinny is talking to the other girl (Nikki). “I’m back!” she chirps. Ronnie finds this hilarious. “Busted!” he interviews. It’s easy to be cocky when you always know who you’re going to bed with at the end of the night.
Vinny introduces the girls to each other, but Deanna doesn’t take the hint and back down, so Deena distracts her away from Vinny. “I’m definitely the best wing-woman ever,” Deena tells us. She keeps Deanna busy on the dance floor while Vinny does shots with Nikki, and Vinny and Ronnie agree that Deena is a good wingman. At least she’s good at something.
Snooki decides to walk home alone because she’s super drunk and misses JMomm. She interviews that handling the boardwalk drunk is a piece of cake compared to the cobblestones in Italy. She makes it into the house mumble-slurring, “You don’t know what goes on.” I don’t know if she’s talking to us, or to the camera crew, or to the little voices in her head, but I DO know what goes on Snooks, because they videotape every soul-sucking minute of your life and then compress it into approximately 42 minutes of “entertaining” television every week. She hiccups her way upstairs into bed.
So much for “in vino, veritas”
Back at Aztec, Nikki tells Vinny, “Let’s find girls!” She then adds, “You help me out, I help you out,” the implication being that if he can help her find a girl to sleep with, she’ll help make sure that the deal is sealed for him as well. Vinny is excited by the challenge that this poses – namely, the imaginary challenge of getting Nikki, who has firmly told him that she is NOT into guys, to have sex with him. “Lesbian girls can like guys,” he interviews.
Two things, Vin. 1) There is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn, and 2) your “fame” does not mean that no woman, regardless of her sexual affiliations, can resist your sparkly, magical cock o’wonders-and-delights. A big part of me really wants her to be saying it just to mess with him.
Sidebar: Did you guys hear/read/watch about Snooki “coming out” as bi? Apparently because she will make out with anything that has lips while she’s drunk, she considers herself to be bisexual, but she won’t go “all the way” with a girl. I’m pretty sure if you’ve ruled out sex with an entire gender, you’ve picked your team and might as well own it, regardless of who you play tonsil hockey with while under the influence. A woman’s sexuality may be a “moving target,” as Lily says in How I Met Your Mother, but kissing both boys and girls doesn’t make you bisexual, it makes you prone to cold sores. /endsidebar
Back in the Palace of Heterosexual Idiocy (aka Vinny’s brain), Vinny thinks that he would be a good transition for a lesbian, because he has soft features. He even tries this approach with Nikki, telling her that he’s “feminine.” “Yes, but your penis isn’t,” she replies. Actually, she doesn’t say that, but she totes should have, right before throwing a drink in his face and making up some lie about him to Deanna so that his back-up plan is ruined.
They’re leaving the club, and it looks like Vinny and Nikki haven’t pulled new chicks, so Deanna is going back to the house with them. “You got someone to fuck tonight, you’re good,” Nikki tells Vinny, but he reminds her that she knows what he wants. “When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, that’s like Christopher Columbus discovering America.” So many things are wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin.
Deena is still keeping Deanna “on the back burner” for Vinny because she is, he tells us, “the ultimate wingperson.” He interviews that we all know that he’s going to need a plan B, and it is so vile, you guys. So very, very icky. I’m used to this crap from Mike, and Ronnie’s been with Sammi since forever, and if Pauly D said this stuff it would be with a smile and a laugh, so it would still be gross and wrong but it wouldn’t feel so calculating. But hearing this from Vinny is literally making me queasy right now – I feel like if this show had never come along, he wouldn’t think this way, but because he’s got to keep up with the boys and make “interesting” television, he is being very deliberate and cold-blooded about the whole thing.
Deena asks Deanna if she is DTF, and Deanna answers, “I don’t think I would do that, honestly.” Awesome. So he’s going to waste all this time trying to get Nikki to sleep with him, and then when he finally gives up and turns to the “sure thing,” she’s going to turn him down too. I’m gonna go make some popcorn.
“Pauly’s walking with this blondie who’s DTF, Vinny’s walking with the lesbianess, and I have the other girl who has no idea what the hell she’s getting herself into,” Deena interviews. Dear God. Isn’t it your responsibility as a woman to watch out for other women and keep them from being exploited emotionally and sexually if you possibly can? Am I the only one who thinks that way? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — Deena makes me sad.
Feminism: You’re doing it wrong.
Nikki says goodbye to Vinny outside the house. “You don’t want to come in?” he asks. I still don’t understand why she walked your skeevy ass home. Be thankful for what you got. “Have fun with… what’s her name?” Nikki says, and Vinny admits that he doesn’t know. “Have fun,” Nikki chuckles. Vinny interviews that he’s disappointed to see Nikki walk away, but he’s proud of himself for working hard. At accomplishing exactly nothing.
Almost got that boulder to the top of the hill this time!
“Tonight is like Christmas,” Vinny continues. “Deena has a back-up girl for me on reserve, just in case Nikki fell through, and right now that’s happening, so it’s awesome that I have a girl home and I didn’t even have to try.” HATE.
Smushtage in the Bromance Bedroom. Deanna… why? Remember two minutes ago when you weren’t DTF? That was better.
If I could turn back time…
It’s morning, and JMomm is trying to call Paul Bunyan again. He answers this time, and the first thing she says is, “Where the hell have you been?” He laughs. That’s a keeper right there. He tells her that he just got his phone back after leaving it at the beach or something, and he had to call in to work because he didn’t have a phone. I’ve heard some crazy excuses for why a guy didn’t call me, and this one ranks right up there. He asks her what’s wrong, and she says “Nothin’.” He tells her that he knows her well enough to know when something’s wrong, but she insists that she’s fine. “All right, if you want to play this game, ooookay.” he drawls. You know what’s wrong, you’re just too lazy or too controlling to either break up with her or make up with her.
JMomm gets off the phone, and rants to a sleeping Snooki about how pissed off she is that he took the day off because he didn’t have a phone, but won’t take the day off to spend time with her. “I feel that I know where I stand, and therefore he can go fuck himself,” she interviews. That’s great, but tell him, not us! She tells Snooki that she’s not going to talk to Paul Bunyan, which is an interesting approach given that him not talking to her is one of the things that she’s so pissed off about.
Snooki get up and goes to the Rooftop of Unfortunate Events, griping about being alive. “I don’t feel good,” she tells the confessional camera. I’m so happy right now. I was just wondering in the last recap why she’s never hungover, and now it looks like she has the mother of all hangovers.
“I need a fucking therapist, and I need AA meetings,” she continues. She’s not wrong. She tries to sit down in the hammock, and watching hungover Snooki trying to navigate a moving seat while the world is already unsteady is just awesome. She complains in the confessional about how much daytime sucks, and then bizarrely segues, “In Arkansas, it’s always dark out. So you just… everything’s dark. Always.” MisterBint, who spent a couple of months in Arkansas for work, assures me that this is strangely true. Snooki tries to get out of the hammock, and ends up sprawled on the wooden frame underneath the bed. Hee!
The denizens of the Bromance Bedroom are awakening. Vinny interviews that his smush with Deanna (whose name he apparently still hasn’t learned) wasn’t that bad. “Just an average girl, average smush,” he says. “It was still fun. Released some demons, you know.” Rather than spermatozoa, Vinny’s testes produce evil spirits. Also, take off that Yoda T-shirt, Vinny. If Yoda were here right now he would kick your ass from here to Tatooine.
Treat women like objects, you will NOT.
Back in Snookiville, something is wrong with her stomach. She says it’s telling her to poop or throw up. Oh my gosh, this is so awesome. Is this her first ever hangover? I think it might be, and we got to witness it. To quote Pauly D, this is the best day of my life! She decides she needs to sleep, and goes up to the Smush Room, where she curls up with a broom after sweeping the naked mattress off.
The duck phone, she is a-quacking. JMomm answers it, and it is Paul Bunyan. Who asks “Is Jenni there?” What kind of boyfriend doesn’t recognize your voice over the phone? I realize that all of the girls have that too-many-cigarettes rasp in their vocal chords, but damn! Coming from him though, it’s likely a passive-aggressive tactic to keep her in her place. He tells her that he’s stuck at work and is going to be late for their date. Does she want to reschedule? She says she guesses, but she really hoped that he would at least try to get there on time because he knows how much the date means to her. He turns it around on her, like she should be grateful that he paid her the simple courtesy of calling to let her know that he was running late. “It’s always gloom and doom and drama with you,” He tells her. What an ass. JMomm finally goes off about the disparity in who makes the most effort in their relationship to spend time together, and hangs up on him. She tells Sammi (hi, Sammi!) and Deena that she has that feeling of not being first. I can see why a girl like JMomm, who used to “rip a guy’s head off” after mating, would be drawn to a guy who won’t take shit from her, but this relationship is downright emotionally abusive. Get out, Jenni.
Pauly and the Meatballs are going to work. Deena interviews that “there are gonna be Meatball problems today.” That can happen if you don’t put enough egg and/or breadcrumbs in to bind them. The girls complain about how hot it is, and Danny tells them that the air conditioner works better on the sales floor. Out on the floor, Snooki asks Deena, “Can we do something stupid right now?” She doesn’t usually ask. They decide to play the “Follow Game,” and Deena runs around the store while Snooki follows her. Snooki is running with a lollipop in her mouth.
Hold up, Snooki, I have some scissors you can run with!
Successfully maneuvering the agility course of the Shore Store, the Meatballs bolt out of the store and down the boardwalk. Well, I say bolt, but their stubby little legs can only move so quickly. Danny finally realizes that he can’t see their pink caps bobbing in the sea of clothing racks, and asks where the girls are. “Oh, I have no idea,” Pauly says. Danny is not amused.
One of the real employees saw the girls beeline it down to the bar. Pauly is morally outraged. “You can’t just leave work without telling anybody!” he interviews. I so do not get him. He usually behaves like an overgrown man-child but he clearly understands what being a mature adult involves. I’m very interested to see what he’s like in The Pauly D. Project. Danny goes to look for “those two fucking dingbats.”
On a bench outside the Shore Store is a seriously unattractive girl, wearing a cap that has “Pauly D” printed over an Italian flag.
Pauly’s latest stalker
Remember the Israeli girl that they dubbed a “stage 5 clinger” after she followed Pauly around in season one? What is it about Pauly that attracts this particular type of nutcase? And why do these girls stalk him so obviously? The right way to stalk someone is through a long range camera lens from a nondescript car parked a block or two down the street. Or so I’ve been told. By a friend. Following people around and watching them from less than 50 yards away not only makes you look pathetic and desperate, but also leads to restraining orders. And it’s undignified. I blame Adele.
Pauly interviews that ever since the girl bought something in the store, she’s been there every time he turns around. And the creepy thing is, he never even interacted with her when she was in the store. Yikes!
Danny stalks into EJ’s (“the FUN bar”) and the Meatballs try ineffectually to hide from him. They scamper away through the bar like a pair of naughty chihuahuas. “Are you kidding me?” Danny bitches. He finally collects them and herds them back to work. “You’re not my friend anymore,” Deena whines. Thank God for small favors, eh Danny?
A blonde woman asks Snooki if she knows a good place to get a drink on the boardwalk. That would be funny if I wasn’t 600% certain that the producers put her up to it. The Meatballs dip out of the shore to go get a drink with this woman, because she’s getting married soon and it would just be rude to not go have a mini-bachelorette bash with her. Danny notices that they’re gone again, and tells Pauly, “Right now I hate your two roommates.” So contrived. Their mere existence on this planet means money in Danny’s pocket.
Pauly goes home after work, and starts telling JMomm and Vinny about Stalkerella. Pauly explains that she turns up every day in the same exact outfit and just watches him. “You ever see Misery?” JMomm asks. “She’s gonna smash your kneecaps.” Pauly hopes that she’ll at least feed him.
This is NOT the best day ever.
Vinny wants to go pick up chicks on the boardwalk, and JMomm says that if Pauly & Vinny are going out, she’ll go with them to find the Meatballs, because the only person at home is Mike and she does not want to get stuck alone with him if he wakes up. They see the girls dancing in a bar on the boardwalk, and JMomm goes to join them.
“This is the JWoww that I like,” Snooki interviews. “Her and Roger are fighting right now, and she just wants to have a good time.” As I recall from season one, JWoww was basically a less lap-doggish version of Snooki (i.e., taller and doesn’t yelp as much.) Then she got with Paul Bunyan and became JMomm. Maybe she should drop the J-nonsense and find out who Jenni is.
Out on the boardwalk, Pauly spots Stalkerella. Vinny tells him, “She wants to be your stalker. Like, she doesn’t want to be your girl, she wants to be your stalker.” Pauly loses her in the crowd and asks Vinny, “Yo, where’d she go?” Behiiiiind yooooouuuu!!!! Not really.
Mike wakes up in an empty house. “What the fuck?” he asks. He interviews that even though he does like to isolate himself sometimes, he also likes to know that people care. Snooki just tried to wake you up to go out with them the night before, and you blew her off! He says that even though he’s been nice all summer (he hasn’t) it doesn’t really matter anyway (it might if he were consistent about it) and sooner or later the bad guy’s gonna come out (the bad guy never went away.) WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?!
JMomm and the Meatballs go back to the house, and ask Mike if he wants to go out with them. He’s up for it. He interviews, “I’m very confused right now. Nicole is acting like she’s my best friend.” Must be some nefarious schemin’ going on in that ever-so-complex little Snooki brain. “Although I have plans leading to demise, I’ll go out and get a drink with her.” Watch it, Mike, she might trick you into drinking something off the bottom shelf.
Deena finds JMomm in bed, sniffling over Paul Bunyan and his dickish ways. JMomm is super hung-up on this calling off of work thing. She’s angry that he will give her shit if she tries to get him to take a day off and spend it with her, but he’ll take a day off from work because he lost his cell phone, even though he has a phone specifically for work. Honey, these are called red flags. They mean that he is a selfish, controlling, manipulative bastard and you should DUMP HIM. He’s basically Mike, but he plays the game better. And by better, I mean he doesn’t brag about his motives on camera.
“We look hot when we dance like this.”
Pauly is racking up pool balls when the camera cuts to Stalkerella. Pauly hasn’t seen her yet, and he interviews that he’s having “mad fun.” He tells a girl that Vinny likes her but he’s too shy to say anything. “Vinny’s back, I gotta mess with him,” Pauly tells us. Vinny threatens to retaliate by saying something similar to Stalkerella about Pauly.
It’s so hilarious to play pranks on girls we think are ugly!
“We think she snuck a GPS system into Pauly’s blowout and that’s how she knows where he is every time.” Or it could be related to the cameras that surround you everywhere you go. Vinny introduces Stalkerella to Pauly, and Pauly is actually really nice about it. He tries to have a conversation with her, but she just stares at him and nods, and it is über-awkward. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom and makes his escape.
The Meatballs are dancing on a bar and Mike wants to bounce. “Who would have thought Team Fun would be the Meatballs and Mike?” Deena says in the cab. Mike interviews that he’s keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. Snooki interviews that even though she and Mike have had problems in the past, they can still go out and have a good time. Team CrazyPants, indeed.
The next day, Deena is eating a bowl of cereal and telling Sammi and Ronnie (both in the same room and on camera simultaneously!) about her and Snooki’s day of not-so-much-with-the-working. Pauly’s walking through and says “[Danny’s] pissed.” Deena’s worried about getting fired, and Ronnie advises her to go apologize to Danny, because that’s what a respectable person would do. Deena interviews that she would be stupid to screw up this “perfect job.” No comment.
Deena calls Danny and tells him she’s sorry. “An apology’s not going to get you very far,” he tells her. He is still pissed. Deena asks if he’s going to fire her, and he says “We’ll see what happens.” Which translates to, “No way, meal ticket!”
Filler scene with Ronnie setting up a bean-bag toss game on the Rooftop Pain-io. Snooki climbs inside the box and Vinny tips it over. Also, Mike still has chest acne (is he on steroids?!) and JMomm finds a pretzel in her makeup.
Chinese food delivery! I am so jealous. We recently moved three miles out of the subdivision, and are now considered “rural” and nobody but nobody delivers out here. Lazy schmucks. I would tip more for delivery out here. SuburBint problems, amirite Pauly D?
The roomie sit down for Sunday dinner together. I think it’s nice that they make the effort to do that. Mike, not content to just have a nice, peaceful meal, asks Deena if she’s heard anything about her sister’s second date with his brother. Deena didn’t know they’d had a second date. Mike interviews that if Frank and Joanie continue to hit it off so well, Deena might be his… sister-in-law?!
That’s exactly how I would feel about it, too.
Deena prematurely invites everyone to the wedding, and Vinny makes a comment about Mike seeing his sister-in-law’s vagina. Deena actually covers her face for a second, which surprised the heck out of me, because I thought she was incapable of feeling embarrassment. Mike tells everyone around the table that Joanie was Frank’s first date after his nine year relationship ended. “His first smash?” Vinny pipes in, eliciting a “Don’t talk about my sister like that!’ from Deena. Deena doesn’t want to embarrass her sister. I would live my life in a constant state of embarrassment if my sister were anything like Deena, much less being like Deena on a popular TV show, so probably it’s a little late to worry about that, Deenie-pie. Someone suggests that they change the subject, but that wouldn’t be any fun for Mike. “I hope the second date went well,” he says. “I know the first one went well,” smirk, smirk. Deena gives him a “what’s that supposed to mean” look across the table. She interviews that “nobody talks about my family that way,” again oblivious to the fact that if she’s so very concerned with how her family is perceived and treated, maybe she should check her own behavior.
“Deeeena,” Mike coos. “Sister-in-law….” He tells us that he thinks it is hilarious that he is playing along right now. Playing along with what? I. Don’t. Understand. Mike decides to call One Inch, “he’ll definitely know what to do.” I give up. If Mike gets any sort of spin-off of his own, I refuse to recap it. Do you hear me, Flipit? So don’t even ask me.
One Inch doesn’t seem to have any new information regarding Frankie and Joanie, which Mike decides to interpret as news that his brother is trying to pull a “smash and dash.” I think it’s very telling that Mike is going to One Inch to get all of his information about this relationship instead of just calling his brother. He could obviously care less about what’s really going on, and hopefully his brother knows him well enough to tell him to fuck off any time Mike asks him a personal question.
Deena interviews that she’s a little bit disappointed that her sister is still dating Mike’s brother. She doesn’t want to be a part of Mike’s family. Mike’s family probably feels the same way much of the time. “Even though he’s been nice lately,” she continues,
So close, and yet so far.
Mike hangs up with One Inch, and almost instantly, the duck phone starts quacking. Mike answers it and it’s Joanie. Joanie must not watch the show, because she willingly and openly answers all of Mike’s questions. She really likes Frank, and they talk almost every day. Mike tells her that Frank just got out of a long relationship so he might have his guard up, but Mike assures Joanie that Frankie really likes her.
Okay, I can’t resist anymore.
Frankie and Joanie were lovers
Lordy, oh how they did love
Swore to be true to each other
As true as the stars above
He was the Sitch, and he done them wrong
As Mike is getting off the phone, he tells Joanie to let Deena know that he’s really nice. “She thinks I’m the devil,” he adds.
I can’t imagine where she would get that idea
Up on the Rooftop Patio That Bodes No Good, Mike tells Deena that he just got off the phone with Joanie “and all is good.” He mentions what he said about Deena thinking he’s the devil. “I don’t think you’re the devil, Mike, I just think you can be devilish,” Deena thoughtfully replies. “Yes,” Mike agrees. Deena interviews that until Mike proves her wrong, she’s going to stay on her toes when it comes to Mike.
Pauly and Vinny are at the gym, and they run across Paul Bunyan. He tells them that JMomm is flipping out, but he’s not going to kiss her ass. What a man. He’s annoyed about her hanging up on him, and that’s fair. But still. “I don’t play that game, bro. I’m good to my girl, I treat her like gold,” I tell her how to dress, and how much to drink, and who she can hang out with, and where and when we’re going to see each other. Vinny interviews that he’s on Paul Bunyan’s side and JMomm needs to grow up and call him back.
Out on the back deck, Vinny tells JMomm about seeing Paul Bunyan. He and Deena encourage her to call him and make up. Don’t do it, JMomm! She interviews that she thinks she’s still in the right, but she’s going to apologize and try and get him to go out with her tonight. There comes a point when apologizing and always being the one who tries to fix things stops being mature and selfless and starts being codependent.
She starts the conversation, “I just wanted to apologize….” I have a theory that you can tell how sincerly remorseful someone is by the way they word their apologies. If they say, “I’m sorry,” they mean it. If they say, “I apologize,” it’s an empty gesture.
“First of all,” Paul Bunyan lectures, “I did nothing wrong.” He goes on for a while and is so condescending and morally superior that I want to kick him in the junk even more than I did already. She tries apologizing again, and he says that it’s his turn to say his piece. “You said your piece, and then you hung up like a coward,” he scolds. Dude, if you needed to get your two cents in that desperately, you could have called back, and if she wouldn’t take your call, you could have shown up at the house to talk to her. He tells her that she doesn’t trust him and is a hypocrite and that if she doesn’t stop with her insecurities then they are going to be damned, done, and ruined. JMomm has to think about that for a little while. Honestly, when your boyfriend tells you that you’re being insecure because you want to spend time with him, that is a bad sign of things to come if you stay in that relationship.
Also, while we’re on the topic:
This is a guilty pleasure, not a relationship guide.
Next week: Paul Bunyan keeps haranguing JMomm about everything she’s doing wrong in their relationship; the Meatballs make an apology cake for Danny but somebody eats a piece before they can deliver it; something about Mike and Snooki and whipped cream; Deena hooks up with Joey again; things get crazy at Karma.
For more Binty-freshness, or if you want to participate in the most completely off-topic comment thread evah, check out the Smash recap! You guys are the best. Thanks for reading!
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