Jersey Shore: Westminster Kennel Club

Jersey Shore

By SuburBint | Sunday, February 12, 2012 | 5:56 pm | 43 Comments
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Dear ‘Gasmii, how I do love you! Every week as I trudge through the toxic waste that this show spews forth with such reckless abandon, your bright, shiny faces are the light at the end of the metaphorical sewer pipe. Special shout-out this week to Buffy, whose minicap comment inspired this recap title and has kept me giggling all weekend.

Previously on Jersey Shore: Snooki had a UTI; Mike was nice to everybody for 48 hours, felt like this staggering gesture was unappreciated, and ultimately decided that Snooki is trying to turn the other housemates against him; JMomm and her dad Paul Bunyan are having some tension in their relationship.

We resume where we left off last week, with Mike on the phone to One Inch. He wants the Inchmeister to come and tell Jionni about the supposed Snooki-Mike hook-up. Mike loves to stir up trouble, but doesn’t have the stones to do his own dirty business. Sadly for Mike, One Inch and his ketamine stash are partying down in Miami. Women of Florida, do not leave your drinks unattended!

Please exercise extreme caution if you live in the red zone.

With One Inch unavailable to ruin Snook’s relationship, Mike needs to divert his attention to messing with one of his other roommates. Luckily for him, Deena’s sister Joanie has started dating Mike’s brother Frank. Mike is super supportive of this burgeoning relationship. Why, you ask? “So that I can have more fun with it,” Mike tell us.

One Inch tells Mike that he’s heard some “good things” about Joanie, and I’m assuming by “good” he means “blackmail (or at least potentially embarassing) material,” because the specific thing that he’s heard is that she’s a “squirter.” Why MTV felt it necessary to bleep this word out was a topic of some discussion in the minicap comments, and I would love to hear your perspective on the matter, Gentle Reader.

In a largely bleeped-out interview, Mike lets us know that it is a mystery to him if a girl he’s with is prone to female ejaculation or not, putting to rest any lingering doubts that the viewership might have had regarding whether or not he even makes the slightest effort to satisfy his sexual partners. He probably figures that a voyage aboard the H.M.S. Schitzuation is orgasmic enough of an experience for any woman.

HMS = Herpefied & Mighty Small

“I’m sure I can use that information to my advantage,” Mike says before hanging up the phone. Who thinks like that? How could that knowledge ever come in handy in any circumstance that Mike is likely to encounter?

Snooki’s dad brings her home from her doctor’s appointment, hopefully with lots and lots of antibiotics, and as she tells him goodbye, she exhorts him to “Drink!” That is so not the relationship I had with my dad.

Deena wants to take her semi-annual shower, but Vinny is in the bathroom. He asks if she wants to shower before or after he poops, and she tells him she’ll shower when he’s finished. I can’t believe that with all of the insane stuff these people get up to, that was the most interesting clip they could find to fill those 10 seconds with. WTF, MTV?

As the rest of the house gets ready to go out, Mike excuses himself and goes upstairs to lie down “with a headache.” Maybe he has a brain tumor. That would explain so much. JMomm is also isolating herself at the moment, sitting out on the back deck and moping about Paul Bunyan.


She interviews that she feels like she hasn’t seen enough of him this summer and she’s mind-fucking herself over it. Deena comes outside and asks what’s wrong. JMomm starts to tell her, but then says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” As if Deena doesn’t carry a wealth of helpful and practical relationship information within her wise-beyond-her-years psyche. Deena interviews that she doesn’t like seeing JMomm sad, but “at least she got her hair done.” Forget Oprah, if I ever need help getting my life and priorities in order, I’m calling Deena. That girl has perspective.

OMG, I saw Sammi! Hi, Sammi. Snooki has come up to the Ronnie/Sammi/Mike room and hears Mike snoring. Breathe Right ® Strips, Mike. Look into it. Snooki goes to his bed and shakes his leg to wake him up. Somebody isn’t familiar with the expression “Let sleeping scumbags lie.” Mike rouses sufficiently for her to ask him if he wants to go out with them, but he again pleads a headache and goes back to sleep. Snooki interviews that she is really trying to be a friend to Mike, which in Snookiland means going out and getting wasted together.  She blows a raspberry at him and leaves.

Tonight the roomies are partying at Aztec. Vinny interviews that he calls Aztec a sweatbox. “Cos it’s not big, and there’s just sweat and B.O. everywhere.” Sounds a lot like Snooki. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

JMomm is dancing like a zombie, her mind obviously not in the club. The Meatballs find her sitting down and decide to cheer her up by giving her a lap dance. “Really?” JMomm sighs. The trauma of the situation provides her with the impetus to go back home alone. She tells Snooki that she has work in the morning, but in an interview she explains that it’s because she’s feeling bummed about Paul Bunyan. I wonder if she’s missing him or his big blue ox.

Vinny meets a girl named Deanna. “I know that Deanna is probably a sure thing, but she’s only like a five or six. During the weekend, you’re looking for like a seven or an eight.” Oh, Vinny. I was actually fooled into thinking that you were more mature and respectable than the rest of your housemates. You just made my list, boy-o.

Vinny sends Deanna and the girl Pauly was talking to over to Deena for a minute, and he and Pauly have a tete-a-tete involving the crucial decision of whether or not to go home with the girls they already have or stick around a bit longer.  It looks like they’re going to go on back to the house, but then Vinny sees a girl who is way hotter than Deanna (in his estimation) and he decides to see if he can get her to come home with him. Deanna comes back while Vinny is talking to the other girl (Nikki). “I’m back!” she chirps. Ronnie finds this hilarious. “Busted!” he interviews. It’s easy to be cocky when you always know who you’re going to bed with at the end of the night.

Vinny introduces the girls to each other, but Deanna doesn’t take the hint and back down, so Deena distracts her away from Vinny. “I’m definitely the best wing-woman ever,” Deena tells us.  She keeps Deanna busy on the dance floor while Vinny does shots with Nikki, and Vinny and Ronnie agree that Deena is a good wingman. At least she’s good at something.

Snooki decides to walk home alone because she’s super drunk and misses JMomm. She interviews that handling the boardwalk drunk is a piece of cake compared to the cobblestones in Italy. She makes it into the house mumble-slurring, “You don’t know what goes on.” I don’t know if she’s talking to us, or to the camera crew, or to the little voices in her head, but I DO know what goes on Snooks, because they videotape every soul-sucking minute of your life and then compress it into approximately 42 minutes of  “entertaining” television every week. She hiccups her way upstairs into bed.

So much for “in vino, veritas”

Back at Aztec, Nikki tells Vinny, “Let’s find girls!” She then adds, “You help me out, I help you out,” the implication being that if he can help her find a girl to sleep with, she’ll help make sure that the deal is sealed for him as well. Vinny is excited by the challenge that this poses – namely, the imaginary challenge of getting Nikki, who has firmly told him that she is NOT into guys, to have sex with him. “Lesbian girls can like guys,” he interviews.

Two things, Vin. 1) There is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn, and 2) your “fame” does not mean that no woman, regardless of her sexual affiliations, can resist your sparkly, magical cock o’wonders-and-delights. A big part of me really wants her to be saying it just to mess with him.

Sidebar: Did you guys hear/read/watch about Snooki “coming out” as bi? Apparently because she will make out with anything that has lips while she’s drunk, she considers herself to be bisexual, but she won’t go “all the way” with a girl. I’m pretty sure if you’ve ruled out sex with an entire gender, you’ve picked your team and might as well own it, regardless of who you play tonsil hockey with while under the influence. A woman’s sexuality may be a “moving target,” as Lily says in How I Met Your Mother, but kissing both boys and girls doesn’t make you bisexual, it makes you prone to cold sores. /endsidebar

Back in the Palace of Heterosexual Idiocy (aka Vinny’s brain), Vinny thinks that he would be a good transition for a lesbian, because he has soft features. He even tries this approach with Nikki, telling her that he’s “feminine.” “Yes, but your penis isn’t,” she replies. Actually, she doesn’t say that, but she totes should have, right before throwing a drink in his face and making up some lie about him to Deanna so that his back-up plan is ruined.

They’re leaving the club, and it looks like Vinny and Nikki haven’t pulled new chicks, so Deanna is going back to the house with them. “You got someone to fuck tonight, you’re good,” Nikki tells Vinny, but he reminds her that she knows what he wants. “When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, that’s like Christopher Columbus discovering America.” So many things are wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin.

Deena is still keeping Deanna “on the back burner” for Vinny because she is, he tells us, “the ultimate wingperson.” He interviews that we all know that he’s going to need a plan B, and it is so vile, you guys. So very, very icky. I’m used to this crap from Mike, and Ronnie’s been with Sammi since forever, and if Pauly D said this stuff it would be with a smile and a laugh, so it would still be gross and wrong but it wouldn’t feel so calculating. But hearing this from Vinny is literally making me queasy right now – I feel like if this show had never come along, he wouldn’t think this way, but because he’s got to keep up with the boys and make “interesting” television, he is being very deliberate and cold-blooded about the whole thing.

Deena asks Deanna if she is DTF, and Deanna answers, “I don’t think I would do that, honestly.” Awesome. So he’s going to waste all this time trying to get Nikki to sleep with him, and then when he finally gives up and turns to the “sure thing,” she’s going to turn him down too. I’m gonna go make some popcorn.

“Pauly’s walking with this blondie who’s DTF, Vinny’s walking with the lesbianess, and I have the other girl who has no idea what the hell she’s getting herself into,” Deena interviews. Dear God. Isn’t it your responsibility as a woman to watch out for other women and keep them from being exploited emotionally and sexually if you possibly can? Am I the only one who thinks that way? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — Deena makes me sad.

Feminism: You’re doing it wrong.

Nikki says goodbye to Vinny outside the house. “You don’t want to come in?” he asks. I still don’t understand why she walked your skeevy ass home. Be thankful for what you got. “Have fun with… what’s her name?” Nikki says, and Vinny admits that he doesn’t know. “Have fun,” Nikki chuckles. Vinny interviews that he’s disappointed to see Nikki walk away, but he’s proud of himself for working hard. At accomplishing exactly nothing.

Almost got that boulder to the top of the hill this time!

“Tonight is like Christmas,” Vinny continues. “Deena has a back-up girl for me on reserve, just in case Nikki fell through, and right now that’s happening, so it’s awesome that I have a girl home and I didn’t even have to try.” HATE.

Smushtage in the Bromance Bedroom. Deanna… why? Remember two minutes ago when you weren’t DTF? That was better.

If I could turn back time…

It’s morning, and JMomm is trying to call Paul Bunyan again. He answers this time, and the first thing she says is, “Where the hell have you been?” He laughs. That’s a keeper right there. He tells her that he just got his phone back after leaving it at the beach or something, and he had to call in to work because he didn’t have a phone. I’ve heard some crazy excuses for why a guy didn’t call me, and this one ranks right up there. He asks her what’s wrong, and she says “Nothin’.” He tells her that he knows her well enough to know when something’s wrong, but she insists that she’s fine. “All right, if you want to play this game, ooookay.” he drawls. You know what’s wrong, you’re just too lazy or too controlling to either break up with her or make up with her.

JMomm gets off the phone, and rants to a sleeping Snooki about how pissed off she is that he took the day off because he didn’t have a phone, but won’t take the day off to spend time with her. “I feel that I know where I stand, and therefore he can go fuck himself,” she interviews. That’s great, but tell him, not us! She tells Snooki that she’s not going to talk to Paul Bunyan, which is an interesting approach given that him not talking to her is one of the things that she’s so pissed off about.

Snooki get up and goes to the Rooftop of Unfortunate Events, griping about being alive. “I don’t feel good,” she tells the confessional camera. I’m so happy right now. I was just wondering in the last recap why she’s never hungover, and now it looks like she has the mother of all hangovers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

“I need a fucking therapist, and I need AA meetings,” she continues. She’s not wrong. She tries to sit down in the hammock, and watching hungover Snooki trying to navigate a moving seat while the world is already unsteady is just awesome. She complains in the confessional about how much daytime sucks, and then bizarrely segues, “In Arkansas, it’s always dark out. So you just… everything’s dark. Always.” MisterBint, who spent a couple of months in Arkansas for work, assures me that this is strangely true. Snooki tries to get out of the hammock, and ends up sprawled on the wooden frame underneath the bed. Hee!

The denizens of the Bromance Bedroom are awakening. Vinny interviews that his smush with Deanna (whose name he apparently still hasn’t learned) wasn’t that bad. “Just an average girl, average smush,” he says. “It was still fun. Released some demons, you know.” Rather than spermatozoa, Vinny’s testes produce evil spirits. Also, take off that Yoda T-shirt, Vinny. If Yoda were here right now he would kick your ass from here to Tatooine.

Treat women like objects, you will NOT.

Back in Snookiville, something is wrong with her stomach. She says it’s telling her to poop or throw up. Oh my gosh, this is so awesome. Is this her first ever hangover? I think it might be, and we got to witness it. To quote Pauly D, this is the best day of my life! She decides she needs to sleep, and goes up to the Smush Room, where she curls up with a broom after sweeping the naked mattress off.

The duck phone, she is a-quacking. JMomm answers it, and it is Paul Bunyan. Who asks “Is Jenni there?” What kind of boyfriend doesn’t recognize your voice over the phone? I realize that all of the girls have that too-many-cigarettes rasp in their vocal chords, but damn! Coming from him though, it’s likely a passive-aggressive tactic to keep her in her place. He tells her that he’s stuck at work and is going to be late for their date. Does she want to reschedule? She says she guesses, but she really hoped that he would at least try to get there on time because he knows how much the date means to her. He turns it around on her, like she should be grateful that he paid her the simple courtesy of calling to let her know that he was running late. “It’s always gloom and doom and drama with you,” He tells her. What an ass. JMomm finally goes off about the disparity in who makes the most effort in their relationship to spend time together, and hangs up on him. She tells Sammi (hi, Sammi!) and Deena that she has that feeling of not being first. I can see why a girl like JMomm, who used to “rip a guy’s head off” after mating, would be drawn to a guy who won’t take shit from her, but this relationship is downright emotionally abusive. Get out, Jenni.

Pauly and the Meatballs are going to work. Deena interviews that “there are gonna be Meatball problems today.” That can happen if you don’t put enough egg and/or breadcrumbs in to bind them.  The girls complain about how hot it is, and Danny tells them that the air conditioner works better on the sales floor. Out on the floor, Snooki asks Deena, “Can we do something stupid right now?” She doesn’t usually ask. They decide to play the “Follow Game,” and Deena runs around the store while Snooki follows her. Snooki is running with a lollipop in her mouth.

Hold up, Snooki, I have some scissors you can run with!

Successfully maneuvering the agility course of the Shore Store, the Meatballs bolt out of the store and down the boardwalk. Well, I say bolt, but their stubby little legs can only move so quickly. Danny finally realizes that he can’t see their pink caps bobbing in the sea of clothing racks, and asks where the girls are. “Oh, I have no idea,” Pauly says. Danny is not amused.

One of the real employees saw the girls beeline it down to the bar. Pauly is morally outraged. “You can’t just leave work without telling anybody!” he interviews. I so do not get him. He usually behaves like an overgrown man-child but he clearly understands what being a mature adult involves. I’m very interested to see what he’s like in The Pauly D. Project. Danny goes to look for “those two fucking dingbats.”

On a bench outside the Shore Store is a seriously unattractive girl, wearing a cap that has “Pauly D” printed over an Italian flag.

Pauly’s latest stalker

Remember the Israeli girl that they dubbed a “stage 5 clinger” after she followed Pauly around in season one? What is it about Pauly that attracts this particular type of nutcase? And why do these girls stalk him so obviously? The right way to stalk someone is through a long range camera lens from a nondescript car parked a block or two down the street. Or so I’ve been told. By a friend. Following people around and watching them from less than 50 yards away not only makes you look pathetic and desperate, but also leads to restraining orders. And it’s undignified.  I blame Adele.

Pauly interviews that ever since the girl bought something in the store, she’s been there every time he turns around. And the creepy thing is, he never even interacted with her when she was in the store.  Yikes!

Danny stalks into EJ’s (“the FUN bar”) and the Meatballs try ineffectually to hide from him. They scamper away through the bar like a pair of naughty chihuahuas. “Are you kidding me?” Danny bitches. He finally collects them and herds them back to work. “You’re not my friend anymore,” Deena whines. Thank God for small favors, eh Danny?

A blonde woman asks Snooki if she knows a good place to get a drink on the boardwalk. That would be funny if I wasn’t 600% certain that the producers put her up to it. The Meatballs dip out of the shore to go get a drink with this woman, because she’s getting married soon and it would just be rude to not go have a mini-bachelorette bash with her. Danny notices that they’re gone again, and tells Pauly, “Right now I hate your two roommates.” So contrived. Their mere existence on this planet means money in Danny’s pocket.

Pauly goes home after work, and starts telling JMomm and Vinny about Stalkerella. Pauly explains that she turns up every day in the same exact outfit and just watches him. “You ever see Misery?” JMomm asks. “She’s gonna smash your kneecaps.” Pauly hopes that she’ll at least feed him.

This is NOT the best day ever.

Vinny wants to go pick up chicks on the boardwalk, and JMomm says that if Pauly & Vinny are going out, she’ll go with them to find the Meatballs, because the only person at home is Mike and she does not want to get stuck alone with him if he wakes up. They see the girls dancing in a bar on the boardwalk, and JMomm goes to join them.

“This is the JWoww that I like,” Snooki interviews. “Her and Roger are fighting right now, and she just wants to have a good time.” As I recall from season one, JWoww was basically a less lap-doggish version of Snooki (i.e., taller and doesn’t yelp as much.) Then she got with Paul Bunyan and became JMomm. Maybe she should drop the J-nonsense and find out who Jenni is.

Out on the boardwalk, Pauly spots Stalkerella. Vinny tells him, “She wants to be your stalker. Like, she doesn’t want to be your girl, she wants to be your stalker.” Pauly loses her in the crowd and asks Vinny, “Yo, where’d she go?” Behiiiiind yooooouuuu!!!! Not really.

Mike wakes up in an empty house. “What the fuck?” he asks. He interviews that even though he does like to isolate himself sometimes, he also likes to know that people care. Snooki just tried to wake you up to go out with them the night before, and you blew her off! He says that even though he’s been nice all summer (he hasn’t) it doesn’t really matter anyway (it might if he were consistent about it) and sooner or later the bad guy’s gonna come out (the bad guy never went away.) WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?!

JMomm and the Meatballs go back to the house, and ask Mike if he wants to go out with them. He’s up for it. He interviews, “I’m very confused right now. Nicole is acting like she’s my best friend.” Must be some nefarious schemin’ going on in that ever-so-complex little Snooki brain. “Although I have plans leading to demise, I’ll go out and get a drink with her.” Watch it, Mike, she might trick you into drinking something off the bottom shelf.

Deena finds JMomm in bed, sniffling over Paul Bunyan and his dickish ways. JMomm is super hung-up on this calling off of work thing. She’s angry that he will give her shit if she tries to get him to take a day off and spend it with her, but he’ll take a day off from work because he lost his cell phone, even though he has a phone specifically for work. Honey, these are called red flags. They mean that he is a selfish, controlling, manipulative bastard and you should DUMP HIM. He’s basically Mike, but he plays the game better. And by better, I mean he doesn’t brag about his motives on camera.

“We look hot when we dance like this.”

Pauly is racking up pool balls when the camera cuts to Stalkerella. Pauly hasn’t seen her yet, and he interviews that he’s having “mad fun.” He tells a girl that Vinny likes her but he’s too shy to say anything. “Vinny’s back, I gotta mess with him,” Pauly tells us. Vinny threatens to retaliate by saying something similar to Stalkerella about Pauly.

It’s so hilarious to play pranks on girls we think are ugly!

“We think she snuck a GPS system into Pauly’s blowout and that’s how she knows where he is every time.” Or it could be related to the cameras that surround you everywhere you go. Vinny introduces Stalkerella to Pauly, and Pauly is actually really nice about it. He tries to have a conversation with her, but she just stares at him and nods, and it is über-awkward. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom and makes his escape.

The Meatballs are dancing on a bar and Mike wants to bounce. “Who would have thought Team Fun would be the Meatballs and Mike?” Deena says in the cab. Mike interviews that he’s keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. Snooki interviews that even though she and Mike have had problems in the past, they can still go out and have a good time.  Team CrazyPants, indeed.

The next day, Deena is eating a bowl of cereal and telling Sammi and Ronnie (both in the same room and on camera simultaneously!) about her and Snooki’s day of not-so-much-with-the-working. Pauly’s walking through and says “[Danny’s] pissed.” Deena’s worried about getting fired, and Ronnie advises her to go apologize to Danny, because that’s what a respectable person would do. Deena interviews that she would be stupid to screw up this “perfect job.” No comment.

Deena calls Danny and tells him she’s sorry. “An apology’s not going to get you very far,” he tells her. He is still pissed. Deena asks if he’s going to fire her, and he says “We’ll see what happens.” Which translates to, “No way, meal ticket!”

Filler scene with Ronnie setting up a bean-bag toss game on the Rooftop Pain-io. Snooki climbs inside the box and Vinny tips it over. Also, Mike still has chest acne (is he on steroids?!) and JMomm finds a pretzel in her makeup.

Chinese food delivery! I am so jealous. We recently moved three miles out of the subdivision, and are now considered “rural” and nobody but nobody delivers out here. Lazy schmucks. I would tip more for delivery out here. SuburBint problems, amirite Pauly D?

The roomie sit down for Sunday dinner together. I think it’s nice that they make the effort to do that. Mike, not content to just have a nice, peaceful meal, asks Deena if she’s heard anything about her sister’s second date with his brother. Deena didn’t know they’d had a second date. Mike interviews that if Frank and Joanie continue to hit it off so well, Deena might be his… sister-in-law?!

That’s exactly how I would feel about it, too.

Deena prematurely invites everyone to the wedding, and Vinny makes a comment about Mike seeing his sister-in-law’s vagina. Deena actually covers her face for a second, which surprised the heck out of me, because I thought she was incapable of feeling embarrassment. Mike tells everyone around the table that Joanie was Frank’s first date after his nine year relationship ended. “His first smash?” Vinny pipes in, eliciting a “Don’t talk about my sister like that!’ from Deena. Deena doesn’t want to embarrass her sister. I would live my life in a constant state of embarrassment if my sister were anything like Deena, much less being like Deena on a popular TV show, so probably it’s a little late to worry about that, Deenie-pie. Someone suggests that they change the subject, but that wouldn’t be any fun for Mike. “I hope the second date went well,” he says. “I know the first one went well,” smirk, smirk. Deena gives him a  “what’s that supposed to mean” look across the table. She interviews that “nobody talks about my family that way,” again oblivious to the fact that if she’s so very concerned with how her family is perceived and treated, maybe she should check her own behavior.

“Deeeena,” Mike coos. “Sister-in-law….” He tells us that he thinks it is hilarious that he is playing along right now. Playing along with what? I. Don’t. Understand. Mike decides to call One Inch, “he’ll definitely know what to do.” I give up. If Mike gets any sort of spin-off of his own, I refuse to recap it. Do you hear me, Flipit? So don’t even ask me.

One Inch doesn’t seem to have any new information regarding Frankie and Joanie, which Mike decides to interpret as news that his brother is trying to pull a “smash and dash.” I think it’s very telling that Mike is going to One Inch to get all of his information about this relationship instead of  just calling his brother. He could obviously care less about what’s really going on, and hopefully his brother knows him well enough to tell him to fuck off any time Mike asks him a personal question.

Deena interviews that she’s a little bit disappointed that her sister is still dating Mike’s brother. She doesn’t want to be a part of Mike’s family. Mike’s family probably feels the same way much of the time. “Even though he’s been nice lately,” she continues,

So close, and yet so far.



Mike hangs up with One Inch, and almost instantly, the duck phone starts quacking. Mike answers it and it’s Joanie. Joanie must not watch the show, because she willingly and openly answers all of Mike’s questions. She really likes Frank, and they talk almost every day. Mike tells her that Frank just got out of a long relationship so he might have his guard up, but Mike assures Joanie that Frankie really likes her.

Okay, I can’t resist anymore.

Frankie and Joanie were lovers
Lordy, oh how they did love
Swore to be true to each other
As true as the stars above
He was the Sitch, and he done them wrong

As Mike is getting off the phone, he tells Joanie to let Deena know that he’s really nice. “She thinks I’m the devil,” he adds.

I can’t imagine where she would get that idea

Up on the Rooftop Patio That Bodes No Good, Mike tells Deena that he just got off the phone with Joanie “and all is good.” He mentions what he said about Deena thinking he’s the devil. “I don’t think you’re the devil, Mike, I just think you can be devilish,” Deena thoughtfully replies. “Yes,” Mike agrees. Deena interviews that until Mike proves her wrong, she’s going to stay on her toes when it comes to Mike.

Pauly and Vinny are at the gym, and they run across Paul Bunyan. He tells them that JMomm is flipping out, but he’s not going to kiss her ass. What a man. He’s annoyed about her hanging up on him, and that’s fair. But still. “I don’t play that game, bro. I’m good to my girl, I treat her like gold,” I tell her how to dress, and how much to drink, and who she can hang out with, and where and when we’re going to see each other. Vinny interviews that he’s on Paul Bunyan’s side and JMomm needs to grow up and call him back.

Out on the back deck, Vinny tells JMomm about seeing Paul Bunyan. He and Deena encourage her to call him and make up. Don’t do it, JMomm! She interviews that she thinks she’s still in the right, but she’s going to apologize and try and get him to go out with her tonight. There comes a point when apologizing and always being the one who tries to fix things stops being mature and selfless and starts being codependent.

She starts the conversation, “I just wanted to apologize….” I have a theory that you can tell how sincerly remorseful someone is by the way they word their apologies. If they say, “I’m sorry,” they mean it. If they say, “I apologize,” it’s an empty gesture.

“First of all,” Paul Bunyan lectures, “I did nothing wrong.” He goes on for a while and is so condescending and morally superior that I want to kick him in the junk even more than I did already. She tries apologizing again, and he says that it’s his turn to say his piece. “You said your piece, and then you hung up like a coward,” he scolds. Dude, if you needed to get your two cents in that desperately, you could have called back, and if she wouldn’t take your call, you could have shown up at the house to talk to her. He tells her that she doesn’t trust him and is a hypocrite and that if she doesn’t stop with her insecurities then they are going to be damned, done, and ruined. JMomm has to think about that for a little while. Honestly, when your boyfriend tells you that you’re being insecure because you want to spend time with him, that is a bad sign of things to come if you stay in that relationship.

Also, while we’re on the topic:

This is a guilty pleasure, not a relationship guide.

Next week: Paul Bunyan keeps haranguing JMomm about everything she’s doing wrong in their relationship; the Meatballs make an apology cake for Danny but somebody eats a piece before they can deliver it; something about Mike and Snooki and whipped cream; Deena hooks up with Joey again; things get crazy at Karma.

For more Binty-freshness, or if you want to participate in the most completely off-topic comment thread evah, check out the Smash recap! You guys are the best. Thanks for reading!

<3, SuburBint

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

43 Comments

  1. 1
    Amanda
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I live in the red area…oh no…

  2. 2
    Buffy
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    “OMG! I saw Sammi!” hahaha. Funny. Thanks for the shout out!

    -I think that Snooki is Playing Mike. I really think she is just being nice and friendly to him so he won’t tell Gionni on her. Okay, Now back to the recap, been waiting for this one.

  3. 3
    SuburBint
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Buffster dear – You are very welcome. Seriously, your comment made my entire weekend.

    Did the supposed sex act take place? Was that when they were in Italy? Because Snooki keeps denying it but wouldn’t all or part of it have been documented for our viewing displeasure? So many questions!

    <3, SuburBint

  4. 4
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Great recap, Suburbint!!

    A few things:

    I believe the alleged Mike/Snooki hookup took place between shooting when Snooki and Ryder met up with Mike and One Inch out in L.A. Ryder, as usual, sleeps with anyone connected to the Shore..this time, arbitrarily, and One Inch, to boot. Mike claims Snooki was drunk and horny and gave him head (and got nothing in return!) while Ryder and One Inch were having sex in the same room. (I know right?!) This happened before they filmed Italy, I believe. It’s funny because for most of the Italy trip it wasn’t brought up..I think Mike mentioned it at the end, which strikes me as weird. But maybe I’m getting my dates mixed up.

    Also, I wanted to point out how staged/scripted all of the Shore Store and club scenes are. Well, to an extent. I’d read that MTV pre-screens the girls and have them sign releases before they are allowed on camera. And those are the only girls that the guys are allowed to interact with in public. So, of course, it’s not like these guys are getting these random girls based on their charm and wit…these girls just want camera time. How much you wanna bet that most of them just make out under the covers and then go home? What, am I the only girl that does that? *looks away*
    But seriously, I have gone on dates (never home with anyone I’d just met, but on actual dates) and me and the guy spent the night together without any genitals coming out to play. I mean, I usually do this a number of times before I would have sex with someone. I would think that some of these girls do the same..kiss, cuddle, spoon. It must suck to watch yourself on TV months later and hear a guy say, “Meh. Average sex,” when sex never occurred. Lesson learned, ladies.

    The same goes for the Store. My friend was down by the Shore and told me that there is a huge line of people waiting to “shop” at the store while the crew is filming. Only certain people are allowed in and they must buy something and sign all the paper work, as well. That’s the only reason they were able to get that poor soul on camera stalking Pauly. If she’d never entered the store/signed the release, at least her face would’ve been blurred out in later scenes. Hindsight is soooooooo 20/20.

  5. 5
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Okay Sarcasherlock, you have made some brilliant deductions. And Schitz did mention the alleged hookup at the end of the stay in Italy meaning that it had to have been before Italy or neither One Inch or Ride Her would heve been witnesses.

    The only point I am a bit shaky (not shady) with is the one about the girls undercover. I really hope I’m wrong, but based on what I have seen and (mostly) read about party girls, they aren’t as demure as you, or as I was pre-hubbycat. Besides, they must have known how they would be portrayed if they had seen previous epis where girls not DTF were left to stand on the Sidewalk of Shame waiting for a cab.

    Good insight into the Shore Store and that poor “stalker.”

    A few seasons ago I read an article in which a young woman described the Schitz as meriting the nickname “One Inch” himself. No Big Deal then if he never found the G-Spot with inadequate equipment. Love, SSC

  6. 6
    jerseyj
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 5:50 am

    “When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, that’s like Christopher Columbus discovering America.”

    Ummm, I’m pretty sure the only thing Vinny has in common with Christopher Colombus is spreading infectious diseases with his blankets!

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Sorry SuperB, but you haven’t reached Italy in your JS research. Vinny and Deena played Twin Tennis one night, so I’m thinking that Deena held what she considered a hot one so that she could at least get dibs if Deanna wasn’t DTF with Vinny. (Don’t even want to think about slop– ewwwww.)

    Also, she may be responsible as a woman to keep other women from being exploited, but Deena doesn’t walk that moral ground as we saw in Italy. She enthusiastically helped cause the parents of a couple of skanky twins to be so glad they sent their daughters abroad.

    cock o’wonders-and-delights is the comment of the month, SuperB! I am going to try to work that one into a conversation today. Even if *just* to make Hubbycat a very happy guy. Love, SSC

  8. 8
    sardini
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I think Schitz brought up the Snooki incident at the very beginning of Italy when he mentioned it to Ronnie. They were on their deck. Shortly after, Schitz pulled the “I’m in love with Snooki” nonsense.

    I think the girls on camera ARE skanky enough to do the deed on the first night. I mean, just look at some of these girls. They’re definitely down for more than cuddling. Of course this happens more when they’re at the Shore, as the Shore rats want a piece of their local celebrities.

  9. 9
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:07 am

    @ Sarcasatire – you cleared up tons of nagging little questions that have been occupying far too much space in my head. I knew that people have to sign releases to not suffer blurry-face, but it never occurred to me that they would need to sign before being on camera – must be a crew @ whatever club they’re going to for hours before they show up, getting every body who walks in the door to sign or else turning them away due to a “private function.”

    MisterBint was a police officer at a state university a while back, and the random hookups that would take place, especially when alcohol was involved, were sad and a little bit scary. They did an investigation once where the girl who called them basically said “I need you to find out if I had consensual sex or if I was raped, because I was so drunk last night it honestly could have gone either way.” I think the girls who go home with the guys do have sex with them, because they have to know that it’s going to portrayed as if they did, and if they cared enough about their reputation for that to bother them, they wouldn’t go home in the first place.

    @ jerseyj – Zing! Love it!

    @ SSC – Have I mentioned that Deena makes me sad? I have? Just checking. And was Vinny this much of an asshat for most of the series? Because in season one, he’s still very different from the rest of the guys, and then when this season started he was all nervous-breakdowny, and now I want to lock him in a closet and feed him bread and water for however long it takes until he repents of his ways and joins an order of silent, celibate monks.

    The EldestBintlet was proof-reading my recap before I sent it in (she’s 14 and we’re extremely open about stuff) and when she came across “cock o’wonders-and-delight” she goes, “Was that supposed to make me think of Lucky Charms? Cos it totally did.” Use it with my blessing, and let me know how much Hubbycat’s ego is boosted. :-)

    <3, SuburBint

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Befoer I read I MUST state that I love the Dog show analogy. In my office when there is anything ridiculous, inappropriate or of the first world problem variety “we” shout out…”DOG SHOW, Indeed!”.

    This is a complete dog show!

    Ok onto reading :-)

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:15 am

    @ sardini – If Mike claimed to be in love with Snooki at one point, that explains a whole lot of his motivation in working so hard to ruin her relationship. I don’t think he’s hoping for her to come running to him for comfort or whatever, but it’s that petulant “you rejected me, so I’m going to make your life hell” attitude. That sheds waaay more light on why he’s so out to get her.

    Not that Schitz has the emotional capacity to truly love anyone other than himself. He’s probably acted this way his entire life whenever he saw someone else get something he wanted. So childish.

    <3, SuburBint

  12. 12
    mere2142
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:38 am

    H.M.S. Schitzuation …awesome!

    Still am perplexed as to why ‘squirter’ was bleeped out. And even more so as to why Mike was so into digging up ‘dirt’ on Frank and Joanie. And did anyone else find it odd that Joanie never asked to talk to Deena when she called the house?

  13. 13
    jerseyj
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:40 am

    @suburBint, I’m pretty sure the whole Mike being in love with Snooki thing was entirely manufactured by the producers. There just hasn’t been enough going on with the show the last few seasons, so the storylines have been so fake (i.e. Danny threatening to get new roommates and/or to fire Snookie/Deena). The Schitz just wasn’t getting enough screen time so he had to make something. I do think he hooked up with Snookie before Italy, but I highly doubt he had any real feelings for Deena.

    Oh and Vinny slowly became more and more of an asshat as the seasons went on. He started out as the nice, normal guy, but as his friendship with with Pauly bloomed so did his desire to be one of the “cool guys”. I think fame got to him in a bad way.

    Speaking of wanting to be one of hte cool guys, I’m pretty sure that’s why Deena helps Vinny act so appallingly towards women. She thinks if she’s a good wingman, Pauly and Vinny will accept her into their clique. It is quite sad actually.

  14. 14
    jerseyj
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:41 am

    whoops, I meant really feeling for Snooki, not Deena. Guess I should proofread my rants before sending :p

  15. 15
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 7:51 am

    @ mere2142 – I did think it was weird that Joanie didn’t ask to talk to Deena. My guess is that she asked to & Mike told her Deena wasn’t home, and that part of the conversation got edited out.

    @jerseyj – I guess when you see your castmates becoming more and more rich and famous as a reward for behaving like the sexual equivalent of a Mako shark, it is difficult to not be tempted to model their behaviour. I also have to wonder how long he would have stayed on the show if he had continued to be good Vinny. And doesn’t he know that when you’re being the evil-twin version of yourself, you’re supposed to grow a goatee? Geez.

    <3, SuburBint

  16. 16
    sardini
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I totally agree that Vinny has changed for the worse. In Season One, he put down the whole GTL nonsense and the whole guido mentality. He’s always been kind of immature, but now he acts like the kid who was a band nerd all through middle school but joined the football team in high school.

    And yes, Deena is just sad. She is so hungry for Pauly and Vinny’s attention. Also, she was a lot more attractive in her first season. She looks like someone’s worn out aunt at this point.

  17. 17
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Yeah, SuperB. Hubbycat liked it. But I think he wonders about the company I keep ;- >

    I think you did mention being sad for poor Deena a time or 30. As Jerseyj and Sardini indicated, she so badly wants attention, and just doesn’t have the skills to get it in a positive way. What are these people’s families like?

    In partial answer, Vinny was kind of a sweet little nerd at first and wanted to hang with the jocks. So it seemed. Have you met Uncle What’s-his-name yet? It shouldn’t be surprising that Vinny became what he is because the genes are right there.

    “the sexual equivalent of a Mako shark” is a giggle! love, SSC

  18. 18
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 8:22 am

    TOPIC CHANGE!

    How efn ratty do those “new extensions” look?

    This episode had so much to comment on I can’t spend the time getting into all of it but my other issue is how geographically challenged this cast is. Me thinks my dear Snooki meant Alaska obvi. My Ex’s father lives in AR in the Ozarks and the only place it’s dark during the day is in the awesome caverns they have made into national parks. Now is it ‘dark’ in other ways, yes but Snooki doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together to know that.

    Great, recap.

  19. 19
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 8:54 am

    @ SSC – I’m pretty sure Uncle Rico/Nico/Fredo/whatever was at the welcome home party in episode one of this season (which was my audition recap and is floating around TVgasm somewhere).

    My only basis for guessing what these people’s families are like is from my 10th grade best friend’s family (Connecticut Italians, not Jersey Italians,) but this is what I observed with them: the only son in the family could get away with absolutely anything and his parents never said a thing to him about it. The girls would get yelled and screamed at, but nobody actually ever *did* anything, so when they got in trouble they would yell and scream back, and it was just a lot of loud, pointless loudness. Basically it was in-fighting all the time, but the family would unite and come at you like a force of nature if you did/said anything against one of their siblings. It was totally dysfunctional. And even though there were expectations regarding how the kids were supposed to live, there were never any consequences.

    @ Gypsy – Of course she meant Alaska! Well done.

    <3, SuburBint

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

    SuperB, meeting Uncle Nino at the reunion doesn’t count. He flirted with the women in a perfuctory way at the bar. You had to have seen Uncle Nono in the hot tub in an early epi. He has a slurry “language” all his own, and just about molested the girls (Snooks took it as a compliment) as they soaked and, of course, drank.

    went to a family reunion in Buffalo hosted by Hubbycat’s sister. Every kid was screamed at by every parent regardless of kid or parent. as you said, no consequences, just a lot of volume. It was horrible. Of course, lots of things are horrible to us Midwesterners.

    No, I was talking more about morals. I know that the boys are princes and can imagine that boffing everything with breasts is macho and acceptable. But aren’t the girls s’posed to be held on a higher level? Is there some sort of equality now? Luv, a perplexed SSC

  21. 21
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

    @ SSC – In my friend’s family, the parents completely turned a blind eye to any clue that the girls might have been sexually active. Mom did take the girls to get birth control (to help regulate their periods, of course!) Actually, I guess b/c does regulate your periods, cos if you don’t have one for approximately 40 weeks… but I digress. Yes, there were morals of a sort, but since there was no underlying discipline or foundation for those morals to be based on (other than “nice girls don’t”) even the parents knew that their spoken expectations were unreasonable. So instead they yelled. A lot.

    <3, SuburBint

  22. 22
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

    A little difficult to turn a blind eye to sex performed on tv. But whatevs. Love, SSC

    pee ess, “cos if you don’t have one for approximately 40 weeks… ” *giggle*

  23. 23
    HandyManda
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Pshhhh, I don’t even know where to start on this show.

    First: (not at all related to this episode) How nasty do you think the patio o’doom’s furniture is?! They could have thrown some cheap ass lawn furniture out there, at least you can hose it down. Ugh…I can’t imagine real furniture after it’s sat outside for gawd knows how long in the sea air? It grosses me out, but not at as much as some of the other stuff that goes on in that house.

    Second: I feel like Deena (I’m seriously too lazy to go and see how that’s actually spelled right now) needs a good girlfriend to tell her she’s ridiculous and to cut that shit out. All of it…just cut it out. And I don’t mean Snookie the enabler either. She makes me sad too.

    I would be mortified if I knew my sexual stuff was being discussed on tv. I wonder if the sister had to sign a release for that? LOL.

    I could go on for forever here, but I’m already late for work. Whoops…

  24. 24
    jerzgrrrl72
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 11:51 am

    “Deena interviews that “there are gonna be Meatball problems today.” That can happen if you don’t put enough egg and/or breadcrumbs in to bind them.”

    Damn SuburBinTABULOUS, you are on FIRE, Woman! Your re-cap was soooooo much better than the actual episode that I now look forward to your re-caps & comments more than the episodes themselves. By your 5th full re-cap, you are already radiating “3rd Season” gloriousness (following the theory that the 3rd season of a tv show begins the era of greatness.) Seriously, between the captions, the “H.M.S. Schitzuation,” and “sparkly, magical cock o’wonders-and-delights,” I had to try extra hard today not to let my co-workers know that I was laughing at your re-cap and not reading through the onslaught of boring Mon morning work e-mails.

    @Gypsy, LOVE reading all of your comments as well, especially in “The Challenge” re-caps.

    @SuburBint, Gypsy, snowshoecat, and DearCrabby, thanks for making my workday actually tolerable. Loves me some Tvgasm :)

  25. 25
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    @ HandyManda – I think JMomm and Sammi have tried to get Deena to stop being so Deena-like in the past, but without success. I just watched a clip from season 4 when Deena was propositioning Pauly in Italy and Sammi and JMomm were both like “Button it! What is wrong with you? Just. Stop. Talking!!!” I think Deena is so into the whole Meatball persona that she doesn’t care (assuming she does realize) how icky she is. I feel badly for her, because she gets that happy little proud smile like she’s been a good puppy and is ready for her treat now, whenever she interviews about the stupidest, grossest stuff that she’s done. Whatever bubble she’s living in, I think that real life after the show ends is going to be tough on her.

    @ jerzgrrrl72 – Happy that I could help make your Monday less Mondayish. The comments on these recaps are the highlight of my week, and my favorite part of getting a recap up. Glad you’ve come to join the JS party!

    <3, SuburBint

  26. 26
    Kimmi Paul
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I totally forgot about Mike professing his love in Italy. The did they/didn’t they question overshadowed everything. Doesn’t it almost seem like Mike has the emotional development of an eight year old? You know he really likes a girl but the only way to show it is to irritate and punch her? And the whole One Inch thing falls under the same category. Hey…ask her if she likes me and tell me what she says. Kinda pathetic.

    Deena makes me angry and sad. Have some pride girl. No one should be that proud of being that dumb and desperate. I feel for her because she is one twinkie away from blowing up like a Macy’s parade balloon. (and I know how easily that can happen if you’re not careful from personal experience, so it’s not hating, just observational) So life will not get easier for her as she ages. It’s quirky now but at 35 it’s going to be tragic.

    Love reading the recap and the comments. Snark is my favorite kind of communication :)

  27. 27
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    jerzgrrrl72, welcome to SuperB’s fan club. We have so much fun here, and are glad to help you avoid actual *shudder* work. and those awful emails. Ick!

    We comment on other sites too, and you’ll find other Gasmii lots O’ fun. The best way to sample (assuming you are new) is to spin through the recent comments and sample (okay, even if you aren’t new). Check please! Love, SSC

  28. 28
    Buffy
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Reading and loving recap and comments. Wishing I had a computer though, because it’s challenging to read all this on my iPhone.

  29. 29
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    @ Kimmi Paul – I was thinking something similar about Mike having the emotional development of an 8 year-old. My thoughts were more along the line of him seeing something he wants that he can’t have, so he ruins it for the person who has it. I bet he stole/broke a lot of his friend’s toys when he was a kid.

    Couldn’t agree more about Deena. Real life is going to be extremely difficult for her if she doesn’t do some growing up and major personality overhauling STAT.

    <3, SuburBint

  30. 30
    SuburBint
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Okay, I need some input regarding JMomm & Paul Bunyan, and hopefully those of you who have watched the show longer than I have can help me out.

    I was reading a recap of the same episode on a different site, because I think it’s interesting to see what other people have done with the same material, and that recapper’s position on Rawdgah is completely different from mine — like JMomm was being a whiny little brat and he was justified in reacting the way he did. Not really being familiar with their history, am I completely off base in the way I perceive their relationship? What do you guys think about the two of them as a couple?

    <3, SuburBint

  31. 31
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    @Suburbint: I also figured MTV wouldn’t bother with releases until they knew they got usable footage but then I realized that was most liekyl why they had to get releases signed beforehand. Since “good” footage on Jersey Shore usually winds up with some girl being humiliated it would be such a waste if she refused to sign the release afterwards. So, give her all the paperwork upfront, then send her into the lion’s den. I’m sure with the people at Karma or Aztec they just post signs.. “Filming taking place. If you enter, you acknowledge that you may be filmed.” This happens a lot in NY since they can’t possibly get releases nor blur every passerby or restaurant patron.

    You guys, I totally forgot about Mike liking Snooki, too! Although, I suspect he was more in love with Snooki’s fame. The first season he made out with her but didn’t seem that into it because she was just a “regular” girl to him. But when SEason 2 wrapped and she became the breakout star, appearing on Letterman and making money hand over fist, he saw her as a ‘celebrity.’ I think he was attracted to the limelight that followed her more than it did him and he wanted to bask in it. Or he wanted to set tongues wagging by dating her…you know, hoping it would make an US Weekly feature: Snooki’s Situation!
    Or, a more narcissistic theory is that he was trying to play with her head because he couldn’t possibly imagine that Snooki could hook up with him in L.A., yet maintain no romantic feelings toward him afterwards and instead prefer Jionni. So, Mike tried to romance Snooki into dating him in Italy and, once rebuffed, is now intent on ruining her relationship with Jionni.

    Hell hath no fury like a douchebag scorned.

  32. 32
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    @Suburbint: I’d read several instances of Jenni being a stage-5 clinger. Even last season at the Shore (2nd season?) when Jenni broke up with her ex, she was with Roger the following week and decided they were boyfriend and girlfriend. And once she saw him when they were out driving doing GTL and Roger was driving, too and she thought he ‘dipped’ on her, meaning he purposely avoided her and drove away. When she called him accusing him of this, he said he hadn’t seen her and also asked for a bit of ‘space.’

    But here are some accounts from guys who dealt with her. One was her ex, the one from season 1 and part of 2. He says she stabbed when she saw him talking to another girl at the club. Yes, stabbed.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1379326/I-thought-JWoww-going-kill-Jersey-Shore-stars-ex-boyfriend-accuses-violent-knife-attack.html

    And this account was from the brother of a guy she dated who paints her as a stalker. MInd you, this guy comes off as a Tucker Max type douchebag, but I don’t doubt his story.

    http://www.ripashot.com/j-whoah/

    (Did I ever mention how much I hate the word ‘douchebag?’ But even I have to admit, sometimes it fits.)

  33. 33
    SuburBint
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

    @ sarcasatire – Thanks for the links. I don’t understand why JMomm’s intro is all human praying mantis-y if she is really that needy/clingy/obsessive. Paul Bunyan still rubs me the wrong way, though. His worst personality traits mesh perfectly with hers to create a gloriously dysfunctional relationship.

    <3, SuburBint

  34. 34
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

    You guys! I just had a Jersey Shore epiphany (Lord, help me)! Vinny’s Uncle Nino on the Jersey shore is what Bam Margera’s Uncle Vito was to Jackass/Viva La Bam. Hopefully, minus the sexual assault case. No?

    I am disgusted with myself for even coming up with that.

    @jerzgrrrl72 thank you that’s very sweet of you, I’m always happy to pay it forward!

  35. 35
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Yeah, Gypsy, I’d be disgusted too. Oh waait… I am pretty disgusted too with some of the things I come up with on this site. Like knowing that JMoM and Bunyan celebrated her birthday last weekend in Vegas. Ya think he keeps her for the money she brings in? Or is just cynical me?

    SuperB, I think the two incarnations of JMoM mesh perfectly. It’s like Deena having no insight into her own character (?), JMomm pictures herself a formidable female, and even proves it if stories about cutting a former BF are true. But she is really insecure, clingy and the perfect match for Paul in that relationship.

    Sarcasatire, you provided me with two other things I’m not proud of–reading those articles about her. Eeewwwwww. Thanks!

    I don’t know about the glorious part, but they are certainly dysfunctional. Love, SSC

  36. 36
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 11:03 am

    “I totally agree that Vinny has changed for the worse. In Season One, he put down the whole GTL nonsense and the whole guido mentality. He’s always been kind of immature, but now he acts like the kid who was a band nerd all through middle school but joined the football team in high school.”

    I’ve been saying this since last season. Vinny tries to hard and it’s obvious and gross and uncomfortable to watch.

  37. 37
    Buffy
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I Can’t remember if I posted this already or not, but does anyone else think that the only reason Snookie is being nice to Mike is because she thinks it will keep him from telling Gionni about the hook up?

  38. 38
    SuburBint
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    @ Gypsy – Not having watched Jackass or Viva La Bam, I remain blissfully ignorant of this correlation. Also, since recapping this show, I am becoming disturbed by how often the words, “This reminds me of when, on Jersey Shore, blahblahblah,” come out of my mouth. MisterBint will read my Smash recaps, but he skims the JS ones because they’re “too depressing.” LOL

    @ SSC – By gloriously I didn’t mean to be emulated, I meant that their dysfunction shines like the light on the top of the Luxor.

    @ classy drunk – I’ve been trying to pin down why Vinny’s scumbag behaviour bothers me so much more than the other guys, and I think what you said nails it. For him, it’s an effort. Not that it’s okay to be a scumbag, if scumbaggery comes naturally to you, but if you have to make a conscious effort to behave that way, it is automatically grosser. It’s kind of like somebody consciously deciding to become a serial killer.

    @ Buffy – I think a few people have mentioned that Snooki might just be trying to be friends with Mike in order to keep him from ratting her out to Jionni. I don’t have an opinion on the subject, not having as much information and insight into them as those of you who have stuck it out for 5 seasons have. She sure does try to keep Jionni away from him when they’re all together, though.

    <3, SuburBint

  39. 39
    Buffy
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    @SuburBint & @classy drunk -I definitely see Vinny making a conscious effort to change for the worse. I used to think he was sweet too, but now he grosses me out like the rest of them do. It’s bizarre to me that anyone actually gets off on (no pun intended) having tons of sex with complete strangers, even those that you’re barely attracted to.
    It’s hard for me to understand how they can actually find that so pleasurable that it’s almost their #1 goal of the day. I wonder if they are doing it for the show.

  40. 40
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 14, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    @SSC: Sarcasherlock at your service! *salutes*

  41. 41
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted February 15, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Man, I’d hate to be paying some of you commenters to be working for me.

  42. 42
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 15, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Judgy, not to worry. Cats work for nobody and get paid in cream and catnip. But I have noticed that the number of comments drops during the weekend, so I do suspect that more Gasmii follow in cubicles than admit to doing so. Luv, SSC (lady of leisure)

  43. 43
    Tmurda
    Posted February 17, 2012 at 4:13 am

    I hate these people so much right now, and like many of you, I have so many issues with this episode, I must narrow it waaay down. Therefore, my TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT JERSEY SHORE THIS WEEK:
    1) Joanie being a “squirter” is the lamest, most pathetic attempt at embarrassing a chick iv’e ever heard. I, personally, wish I could “squirt”.It’s almost a complement.
    2) Why have the meatballs not yet thought to just take a flask to work so they can get drunk without leaving the store?
    3) What exactly is so excruciating about working at a t-shirt shop for a few hrs that makes one have to get wasted to survive it?
    4) When faced with juvenile comments implying that her sister gave up the pussy on the first date, Deena does EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what any person with a brain would know to do, being to ignore said comments entirely, thus refusing to provide those douches with the laugh they are going for.
    5) If you lost your cell, you would use a friends/family members’ phone to call any person you have the least amount of respect for (i.e. your girlfriend). If you don’t, you need not say more, IMO.
    6) Not seeing a girl as a respectable lady after having a one-night-stand (or as soon as you know she’s DTF) is acceptable & normal, but speaking of her behind her back (rating her in numbers, calling her “back-up plan”, etc) as if she isn’t a human being whatsoever is the most disgusting, unnattractive, pathetic, delusional, slanderous, uncalled for behavior a man can participate in.
    7) Allowing, assisting in, and even cheering-on such behavior as a female (aka “wingman”) is even more disgusting.
    8) Dancing on a bar is obnoxious and not sexy in the very least when you are older than 21-22, short and fat, smelly, wasted, clumsy, & unaware of any/all these factors.
    9) It’s ok to hang up on a bf/gf if they have failed to contact/see you in a timely manner, and are now trying to accuse you of smothering them or implying that you’re “trippin” in reaction to such events.
    10) “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” are the words of a person who secretly wants said “enemy/enemies” to like them and be their friend(s), but by saying this phrase, he/she is prematuraly trying to save face just in case that ideal scenario doesn’t pan out in the end.
    Lastly, I lost my shit when you mentioned it always being dark in AK, cause my grandparents live there, and it’s been an ongoing joke between my sister and i since we were kids that whenever we went to visit, as soon as we crossed the state line it gets cloudy and dreary. It’s soooooooo true!

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