MTV does not condone this type of garbage, okay?
What time is it you ask? It’s time to HIT the Jersey Shore!Okay so picking up where we left off last week, Ronnie is storming home in a huff after being told by J-Skunk that Sammi was talking to some outsider guido at the bar. We get a few flashbacks of his hilarious dance moves and get to see both Ronnie and Sammi get worked up all over again.
“No one with moves like mine is getting played like that!”
Sammi sits outside the club with Vinny trying to figure out what happened. Vinny tells her that it wasn’t cool of her to give her number to her friend and Sammi gets up on her guidette soapbox and spouts off about being single and that Ronnie has never officially claimed her so she’s free. But despite being single and free, Sammi will NOT have Ronnie leaving the club with J-Skunk, so she fires home, threatening to impregnate J-Skunk.
Sammi barges into Ronnie’s room, where he has gone from lying on his bed in his jeans to lying on his bed in nothing but a towel. Did he take a quick steam while Sammi was stomping home? J-Skunk is getting cozy in the next bed and the first thing Sammi says is, “Did you guys hook up?” Of course they didn’t. Ronnie wouldn’t have been able to get anything done through all his tears. He sobs for Sammi to go back to her cop and she screams for him to go back to his bimbos then runs upstairs to her room. Welcome back to eighth grade, everyone! Ronnie hops up, pulling his towel around his waist and swearing to “get at her” right now, which I guess means he intends to tell Sammi off.
“She’s getting one last look at what she’ll be missing.”
Here’s the convo, if it can be called that:
Ronnie: No, no you were like talking to a cop.
Sammi: Like no, no, no you were dancing with a girl!
Ronnie: Like three seconds, Sammi. That’s all it took.
Sammi: This is no bleeping joke. Like my heart is torn!
Ronnie: I told you so much crap Sam.
Sammi: I told you so much crap Ronnie.
Ronnie: I was ready to put you in the equation! Like you – in the equation, like!
Sammi: You obviously don’t know how I feel about you. Boo hoo hoo.
Ronnie: Like, you’re my girl. (Thank you Forrest Gump.) Boo hoo hoo.
Sammi: You’re like my best friend. Boo hoo hoo.
They hug. And scene.
“Am I like, back in the equation, like?”
Meanwhile Mike is herding the very girl that Ronnie was dancing with back to the house along with her friend for Pauly D. Both girls are in scandalously tight pants that aren’t doing them any favors. Mike and Pauly D are trying to convince them to get in the hot tub, but the girls don’t have bathing suits. Mike says, “I feel you on that, but really, we’re going to have fun. We’re going in our underwear, that’s what’s going on right now.” And he removes his belt. Pauly D tell us the girls were pretty stupid, but they made the best of the situation, how big of them. They just keep giving the girls orders (Get in the hot tub!) and the girls keep giggling and doing what the guys say. There is no attempt at charm or even a hint of feigned romance – it’s all just giving and following bossy orders. I know that would get me hot. Except not at all. Mike informs us that he and Pauly D will be having sex with these girls. Except not quite.
“Is Pauly D seeing me get all this action?”
See, they manage to get the girls back to the bedroom, where they proceed to try to have intercourse with them in neighboring twin beds. Pauly D is filibustered when his girl informs him that she’s on her period – aw, man! Then when Mike slips out to hunt for a condom, the menstruating young lady tells her friend that they have to leave or her mom will freak out. Even despite Mike’s protest of “Chill out, Freckles McGee,” the ladies take their leave and Pauly D and Mike are left to fend for themselves. SAD HORNS. Not tonight, boys. No anonymous sex this time. And I can hardly believe it after all the sweet talk and promises of lasting love. Only the strongest of women could resist.
The next morning Sammi and Ronnie wake up in the
guest sex room together and want to go over what happened last night one more time… sober. J-Skunk is amused to learn that Sammi is jealous of her and that reminds her to go call her boyfriend on the duck phone to see if he is still mad at her for looking at Pauly D’s piercing. He’s calmed down a little. Still mad, still never coming to visit her at the Jersey Shore again, but not hanging up. J-Skunk lets us know that she is a martyr because she could have just told her boyfriend to take off while she concentrated on herself for the summer, but she didn’t. This is a houseful of heroes!
Ronnie and Sammi are scheduled to work a shift at the t-shirt store and Sammi is still feeling icky about how everything went down last night. She tells us she’s not good at relationships and is scared of getting hurt. Amazingly, Ronnie puts this together in his roided out brain and understands. Aren’t these two just sweet? They walk home snuggling and telling each other how happy they are. Fireworks go off in a not-at-all-clichÃ© twist of editing.
Sammi tells the camera, “Yes I had sex. Like, hello? You’re going to have sex if you’re into somebody. It’s natural.”
“I mean, what am I gonna do, NOT have sex?”
Oh, so that explains why Mike and Pauly D didn’t get any. Girls weren’t into them. Ha! Ronnie then appears in his own interview to tell us, “Yeah-er, we smooshed.” Oh. The. Class. This is one special relationship blooming on the trash covered beaches of New Jersey.
It’s a new day at the Jersey Shore, but this day is raining, so all the guys except for Vinny go to get a haircut, go tanning, and to the gym. I guess Vinny has a phone date with his mom or something. Pauly D calls this endeavor staying “fresh to death.” Um-kay. Mike tells us if you’re not hitting the gym for at least an hour then you have a problem. Then his eyes get really big as to emphasize what he’s about to say. “Cause I’m at the gym for like an hour and a HALF, you know. Working on my fitness (he’s my witness. It puts them boys on rock, rock).” I wonder if Mike has ever considered being a motivational speaker. I swear, one hour of listening to how great he is and I would be at the gym every day for at least an hour and a half, and then I’d go in the hot tub in my underwear and even consider contracting an STD from him. So gross. Last stop on the manscaping tour is the barbershop, where Mike brags that he’s gotten with every girl in the house. Not J-Skunk. Ronnie tells him, “You still haven’t brought home one 10.” I guess meaning that the girls Mike herds back to the house are not extremely attractive. To be fair, I haven’t seen any very attractive girls anywhere on this series so far.
Next the guys all gang up on Ronnie, trying to get him to admit that he “smooshed” Sammi and taunting him at length for going back on his only rule for the Jersey Shore. Then we have a flashback of Ronnie shaking his finger at us telling us to never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Wah, wah.
“And I would nevuh cry neithuh!”
Ronnie just laughs and points out that despite having brought home 12 different girls, Mike has not slept with any of them – his only goal. Totally true.
Snooki’s at home on the duck phone with her mom making plans for her mom’s upcoming visit. She tells us that her mom is her best friend and they spend every minute together. Oh please do not tell me that Snooki makes out with her mom to get attention. That would be more than I could take, even on THIS ridiculous show. Well later the gang is headed back to Karma to see if they can find people to have sex with this time around. Snooki is wearing a super tight mini dress that barely covers her hoo-ha and she’s doing back walkovers on the dancefloor! Her crotch is a hot pink blur and Sammi tells us she’s wearing a thong, but that her crotch was hanging out all over the place. Might this be a trick Snooki learned from her best friend / mom? This girl has serious esteem issues. J-Skunk is delighted to be thus entertained, as are rapists everywhere.
“Finally they get to see what a fun girl I am!”
After Snooki’s gymnastics meet, the boys huddle into a circle to “beat up the beat.” This means that they start off crouched to the ground and slapping the floor in time to the beat, in unison.
That hour and a half at the gym is about to pay off.
Gradually this leads to them standing upright, having massive seizures on the dance floor as their fists wave wildly. You see, they are battling the music. It’s them against the music, just like Britney Spears. I’m SO not into house music, despite many people trying to convert me, so I can’t say that I’ve ever been quite this carried away about a beat in public. I do, however, get quite bouncy when “Gold Digger” comes on, so I sort of relate. Okay, no I don’t. Anyway, the girls are into this too, and I see many a flash of panties as the beating up of the beat continues. J-Skunk is also beating up Pauly D’s pelvis with her legs wrapped around his waist in a continued effort to stay true to her boyfriend.
Pauly D tells us that when he’s hitting the clubs he doesn’t want to waste time on a girl who just wants to hang out, he’s looking to smoosh, so he “lines it up, and moves on.” This means that he issues many invitations over the course of the evening and then sees what pans out at the end of the night. I knew it! I knew guys did that! I have to say, however, that I would NEVER make any sort of effort to meet up with a guy who didn’t at least pretend to be interested for the whole evening out (at least I think I wouldn’t). That’s crap. It’s more like the last guy standing gets to host the after party or I go home. None of this trying to relocate someone who passed by earlier. Am I right? Mike’s going around with his shirt over his head.
It looks like Mike has found a couple of hot tub candidates and Pauly D is fine with that, saying, “We’ve got nothin’ else, right?” So sweet of them. On the walk back to the house, however, a Mercedes containing two girls with blonde/black hair pulls up to the curb to yell “what’s up” at the boys. Well this certainly makes them look like the most desired males at the Jersey Shore, right? They immediately order the girls to park the car and come home to the hot tub (“Get outch yer cah.”) Oh and in case you’re wondering what happened to the first two girls, they turned around and went back to the club – good for them. Certainly there is no shortage of douchebags looking for booty.
Also back in the club is hot pink blur Snooki. Dismayed that her roommates have left without her, Snooki graciously allows a guy named Ron, who has been buying her drinks, to walk her home. He’s not really her type, but he’s funny, so… And as Ron gives Snooki a piggyback ride, a subscript comes up to tell us that his name is actually Russ.
Nice. They get lost – on the way home – and decide to call it a night on the beach. Eh, just as well.
And at the house the Mercedes girls are not one bit interested in going in the hot tub. Mike keeps bringing it up and his girl just keeps saying “not happening.” I’m with her – there’s no way. Mike tells her she’s kind of cute and she says, “kind of?” And he tells her he’s not going to give her too much credit. How is she keeping her clothes on right now in the midst of all this charm? Suddenly we flash to downstairs where the two girls who were ditched for the Mercedes have found their way to the house and are calling for Mike. Oh girls, really? Really? Right about now Mike and Pauly D are certain that they have more game than any males ever to grace the face of the earth. This is so hilarious because as we have been witnessing, they have less than zero game. I’ve got to chalk all this attention up to the camera crew, because these seem like the type of girls who would try their best to run in front of cameras whenever possible. It just can’t be Mike’s situation or Pauly D’s blow out. Can it?
So the guys correctly conclude that the Mercedes girls are not going to sleep with them and so they concoct a story about their female roommates being upset and wanting the Mercedes girls to leave. Then they’ll bring up the club girls and see if THEY are willing to go in the hot tub. At this point why don’t they just skip the hot tub? I mean seriously. We all know where this is going. Why baste yourself in chlorine? Germ killing? Of course Mike has to let the club girls know that they already have girls upstairs, but that he will be so benevolent as to send them home and hang with the club girls. Oh puh-lease. If the Mercedes girls had been the least bit willing to hot tub, this wouldn’t even be happening. Pauly D tells us this story like a kid on Christmas morning. So pathetic.
“You want me to get in here wearing what?”
Well it turns out that the hot tub is not kept hot at all times and there is a warm up period involved. Skip the hot tub, morons. Mike takes some time to tell us that one of these girls is “more cuter” than the other, and that is his girl. Pauly D is stuck with the grenade – meaning the uglier girl that the friend absorbs so as to help a guido get some play. Nice. This might be true, but honestly, it’s not like she’s hideous and she could even be better than BOTH girls who turned them down the other night. It’s all relative and these two idiots talking about women like this is really grating. Pretty soon the blonde girl realizes that she is the “grenade” in this scenario and starts mumbling about needing to go home soon. Pauly D recognizes that he won’t be taking one for the team – or himself – after all. Strike three, loser. Pauly D ducks out (fleed the scene as Mike puts it), so Mike and the two girls go back up to the hot tub, which is still cold. When the blonde girl says that it’s still cold, Mike says, “It’s probably warm, to be honest with you.” Oh okay. This water is cold, but if Mike is honest with me then it’s warm. He’s getting really antsy, so when the blonde girl asks for a lighter, Mike and the brunette girl run away to Mike’s room to hook up. Oh good thinking. She’ll never realize what happened in five minutes when she’s still hanging out alone at the cold tub.
Sure enough she bursts into Mike’s room and tells the brunette “you don’t want to do this.” HA! That’s awesome – and true. The brunette hesitates and Mike asks Pauly D (a foot away in the next bed) to walk the blonde downstairs, so which Pauly D retorts “I don’t give a bleep.” Pauly D is OUT of this one, Mike. You’re on your own. And it looks like it’s not going to happen… again. Mike blames Pauly D, saying the blonde was a bomb and Pauly D didn’t know the code to decipher the bomb. Decipher the bomb? Work on your metaphor, Mike. You don’t decipher bombs with codes. Anyway Mike goes to bed alone yet once again. What a situation.
Three strikes, you’re out – if I’m honest with you.
We head back to the beach to check in on Snooki, who is watching the sunrise with Ron (Russ). She tells us that she thought Ron was really funny, so she thought something would happen with him, but it didn’t so it was a big waste of her time. Wow, our Jersey Shore cast is really having a hard time getting strangers to sleep with them. What a crushing disappointment.
At the house the duck phone rings and it’s J-Skunk’s boyfriend, calling to tell her he heard that she was dancing with Pauly D all night.
“But I only looked at his piercing twice last night, so it’s not technically cheating.”
It seems that Ron (Russ) is a friend of Tom’s (J-Skunk’s boy) and Tom asked Ron (Russ) to keep an eye on J-Skunk and he reported back that she was grinding with Pauly D. She was – I saw it. She, however, vehemently denies it. Then she says that it’s okay because they were “battling.” (It’s them against the music, remember.) J-Skunk talks it over with Snooki then calls Tom back to tell him that she will not have him spying on her and threatening to break up every day. Then she hands the phone to Snooki, who tells Tom that it’s not like it was R & B or something – it was house music, so he has nothing to worry about. Oh, so you’re allowed to grind up on other guys as long as it’s house music and not R & B? How am I ever going to keep all these rules straight? When I go to visit the Jersey Shore and find myself at a club, I’ll have to be very careful as to which songs are playing before I start dancing with other gentlemen, so as not to cross the line and offend my boyfriend. Snooki has successfully “deciphered the bomb,” or diffused the crisis, as I would say, and then she tells us, “I don’t get them two.” No one does, Snickers.
Look whose mom is here! It’s Snooki Senior! After admiring the shore house she heads to the beach with Snooki – to actually lie on the sand and wade in the ocean, who’d have thought? Snooki Senior comments that the beach is really dirty. Wow, that totally surprises me. They ride on the ski lift thing and Snooki points out the house, so we get a view of it from above and guess what. It’s right on top of the t-shirt store.
Okay, now I get why Danny has a zero tolerance policy with tardiness – it’s downstairs. I guess I hadn’t put that all together visually just yet. So following the afternoon’s adventures, Snooki and Snooki Senior embrace tearfully and then Snooki bawls to the camera about how her mom is like, her best friend. She said that about 67 times in the last three minutes. Got it. Plus she can’t live that far away if she just popped over for the afternoon – I think you’ll be okay Snooks.
“And I’ve been practicing my gymnastics, like I promised.”
Later that night, of course, the roomies all head out to look for one night stands. Are we finally getting to the big black-out scene or what? Snooki sits down with Carlos from the t-shirt shop and confides in him that she hasn’t had sex since she’s been here. He offers to make that happen, but Snooki says she doesn’t really want to. Oh right, that’s why you were whining this morning about what a waste of time Ron (Russ) turned out to be.
“Please don’t turn out to be another huge waste of my time.”
Anyway, here’s what happens: There are three “typical college fraternity losers” hanging out in the same establishment. They’re talking to our guidos, drunk, being mildly irritating, then they start drinking the shots that the roomies are ordering for themselves. Not cool. Mike buys more shots to replace the stolen ones, and this one guy helps himself to those as well. Snooki yells at him, “It’s not for yoooooouuu!” To which he responds, “F*** you!” Mike is standing behind the guy who’s stealing the shots, telling him to go ahead and take them. Thanks Mike – that’s very helpful. Snooki tells him to get his ugly ass out of their faces and then we go to black.
This “fade to black” is one of the single most preposterous things I’ve ever seen a network do. It’s like when Comedy Central refused to show a cartoon depiction of Mohammed doing nothing on The Family Guy and then went right ahead and showed an entire cartoon scene of George Bush POOPING all over a Christian deity on South Park (LOVE Matt Stone and Trey Parker for showcasing the hypocrisy of their own network. Right on.) So MTV teases their new series with this shocking image of a woman being punched in the face by a man, allows it to run just long enough for 40 million people to put it on YouTube in various repetitions, angles, and views, then announces that they are above airing such disturbing footage and fades to black for 2 and a half seconds instead. Of course this makes it onto dozens of news stories and internet articles – all of which feature the original footage – but MTV has taken the high road and not shown violence against women. COME ON. The story isn’t even the punch anymore, it’s MTV pretending to be heroes and women’s rights advocates. What a ludicrous joke. MTV hasn’t gotten this much attention since they showed music videos. So I guess they’re relevant again for five minutes.
ANYWAY, we come back to Snooki lying on the ground sobbing and police taking the guy with the right hook away in handcuffs. To their credit, the guy roomies go after him, ready to knock the living daylights out of him, but unfortunately the law got to him first. MTV ends with a sweet public service announcement to show that they care.
Violence against men, however, is just fine. Thanks, MTV.
Next week! The much-promised aftermath of the punch. Also Ronnie’s parents visit and are not impressed with how long Sammi takes to get ready. The guys pity Ronnie for not being able to party with them – even though he’s the only one getting any action as we’ve seen, and J-Skunk gets into a dirty catfight at a club. YES!
So what did you all think of this latest concoction of nastiness? And the punch? Of course there is no one left on planet earth who HASN’T seen it, so thank goodness MTV pulled it, right? What a bunch of phony creeps.
Thanks for reading!