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Minicap: Jersey Shore
MiniCaps
Friday, February 3, 2012
10:18 am
53 Comments
Tagged: brain bleach, funny, jersey shore, minicap, parody, suburbint, TV, tvgasm
Shout out and a huge thank you to readers sardini and snowshoecat, whose comments convinced me to watch the first season of this glorious trainwreck of a show. Because if I hadn’t watched it, I never would have seen this happen:
This is going to be my go-to happy thought for months.
Here’s a quick rundown of what happened this week:
Vinny’s back! Even though (as NotWithoutMyTV so astutely noted yesterday) Vinny’s had longer sojourns on the can than he spent away from the house, the cast uses his return as an excuse to party with the intensity of an Amish during the last week of rumspringa.
We can now add urine to the list of things that Snooki smells like, given that she is behaving like an incontinent lap dog; the main difference being, most dogs feign innocence when they pee somewhere they’re not supposed to, whereas Snooki draws as much attention to it as possible, and then tries to tell us that she isn’t dirty. Or disgusting. The Snookers doth protest too much, methinks.
In a surprising turn of events, Mike stirs up drama where none existed previously. He delivers a particularly intense monologue to the entire household about how he’s trying to be nice and is tired of being perceived as the bad guy, but it is sabotaged by his wang, which peeks demurely out from his trousers for the majority of the speech. I have never been so thankful for the FCC’s nudity regulations in my life.
In regards to the rest of the cast: JMomm is having boy problems, Deena’s stupidity never ceases to amaze, Ronnie and Sammi are uneventful, and Pauly D smiles all the time.
I’ll have the full recap up in a day or two. If you missed last week’s episode, you can read all about it here.
<3, SuburBint
53 Comments
Is it me or is Ron emmerging as the voice of reason in the confessionals? WTF? This season is approaching bizzaro territory!
Also, ALL I could think about was Elmstreet’s friend and the story from last week regarding Snooki. That Troll SLEPT IN HER OWN PISS! Did anyone else wonder if she even washed her hair before she got that weave sewn in?
Snaps to Deena for using ‘ransack’ properly in a sentence.
Not that any of us have been looking but where has Sam been?
Mike-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Does anyone else think Rawdgah is on his 3rd cycle for the year? He’s bigger than John Cena for crissake!
Glad you got to watch season one Sub! Make a difference, right?
@ Gypsy – I’m actually surprised at how watching season one is affecting the way I perceive the cast. And it is definitely giving me more insight as to how people relate in this season.
Deena may have used the word “ransack” properly, but she ruined it by asking immediately afterward, “Is that a word?” I can’t decide whether to feel sorry for her or horrified by her.
Was it just me, or was this episode particularly boring? Even the manufactured drama wasn’t all that dramatic.
<3, SuburBint
If you can bear to do it, dare I suggest trying to watch as many of the past seasons as you can stomach? It does change things entirely, I’ll be interested to read you’re recap now that you’ve watched season one.
You haven’t even hit “Rammigate” yet
I know, I KNOW! You are so right about Deena, she is horrific but, I LOL’d when she asked if ransack was a word then gave herself props in front of the cameras when she found out she was right. You have to figure the editors are just letting it all hang out with these disasters. They must be so tired of them.
We are simpatico, I felt like this was VERY forced. But, I’ve been feeling like that about every episode since the beginning of this season. I’m with you though, total snoozefest.
I am still gagging over how gross Snooki is. GROSS! She’s the dirty hamster if you ask me.
Ugh! And then when Snooki’s all, “I smell phenomenal….” I have much to say on that topic, but I’m saving it for the full recap. But yes, she is so, so, so very gross!
Can’t wait!
You are welcome, SuperB! Do make a diff, do it not?
I honestly can’t watch any more of this. The first couple of seasons were fun in a perverse sort of way, but there just isn’t enough eye bleach to counteract these self-aware idiots pretending it is still season one.
Gypsy, PULEEZE don’t tell Sitch he is a snore. Can you just imagine what he would dream up for more attention?
And that Scent of Snooki is almost too coincidental considering one of the Gasmi reported that she, Um, smells bad.
Can’t wait for the full recap! Luvs ya SuperB!
LOLOLOLOL SSC, I am calling him RIGHT NOW!
I thought the same thing about her perfume ad Nads posted. Too funny.
Yes, SuperB (great nickname) Is taking this all in stride and kicking a$$ at recapping this show.
The UTI was definitely TMI.
Ha! You’re welcome. Back in the days when Snooki almost left, Sam liked Mike, Jenni was her own person and Pauly and Mike were best buds. Plus, don’t they all look so young back then?!
@ sardini – it is practically an alternate universe, except that Mike is actually as despicable a human being in season one as he is now. HATE. They all do look young. I think JMomm and Ronnie actually look better now. I like to joke about how old Mike looks, but he has seriously aged BADLY over the past few years. I’d be concerned, except for the part where I loathe him with a such a deep and powerful disdain that it’s leaving inky black smudges on my soul.
@ Gypsy – I second SSC; God help us all if Mike felt that he wasn’t being dramatic enough. Did you catch this episode when he said that he didn’t know if he should tell JMomm about seeing Paul Bunyan on the boardwalk cos he didn’t want to start any drama? I almost choked on my pancakes!
@ SSC – Luvs ya back!
Y’all’s comments brighten up my day to no end. It’s nice to not be wallowing in this sludge all alone!
<3, SuburBint
Super…for me it’s like the Sopranos. I was done wayyyy before the show ended but I felt socially obligated to know how it ended.
Did anyone see Snooki and JMomm on WWHL (Andy Cohen’s Low Budget Half Hour Variety Show)? Snooki said she got the UTI from “butt sex.” Yep..she said that. At least JMomm had the grace to be embarrassed for Snooki..that’s what friends are for.
@ sarcasatire – Yes, well, as she reminded us in the episode, she is (or was) a vet tech, so she knows all about medical stuff.
If anybody wants me for anything, I’ll be curled up in the corner, crying quietly.
@ sarcastire – i saw wwhl too – did you catch when Jenny said she didn’t have anything done to her face? Something is up there, maybe fillers? she should have left her face alone, she was prettier before whatever she did…
@HereGoHellCome,
Jenny looked like The Joker’s sister. Not even kidding. I also noticed that while Snookie got a few close-ups from the camera, Jenny’s camera kept their distance as if they were told to.
I like Jenny, but the entire time I watched WWH I kept wondering what was up with her face.
Robin
@HGHC..you mean the lip injections that made Jenni look like she was sneering on both sides of her face? Or the fact that her eyes became almond shaped squints where they were formally just round? (Answer: all of the above)
Here’s the link to an article/clip of their WWHL appearance:
http://jezebel.com/5882000/snookis-uti-was-from-anal-sex-and-other-things-you-didnt-need-to-know-about-her-genitals
And as ashamed as I am to admit that I read the comment section on another site regarding the “Butt Sex/UTI” conundrum, here’s what I ascertained:
Think of it as a math equation:
Butt Sex + Vaginal Sex = UTI.
However, Vaginal Sex + Butt Sex = No UTI.
In other words, going ass to vajayjay is the equivalent of wiping back to front.
Had to find the WWHL video, if anybody is interested here’s the url:
http://www.bravotv.com/watch-what-happens-live/season-6/videos/after-show-smush-room-showdown
Jinx! We posted at the same time on the same subject. Great minds..
@ sarcasatire – You rock! I had also done the equation in my head, but couldn’t quite bring myself to spell it out. So unhygenic! LOL
You can get an ear infection too if you stick poop in it. Stupid, nasty thing..She probably has alot of tooth aches, too.
OMG, Robinez, eeewwwwwww!!!!!
Darn, It ate my last sentance
It is scary that these are not even kids anymore and they still don’t know how to have sex without getting ill. It isn’t that hard. Although, I have always been concerned about their basic hygiene, anyway.
I think if they weren’t drunk off their asses 86% of the time, they would make more informed sexual decisions. And it became clear in last night’s episode that Snooki’s idea of basic hygiene is copious applications of perfume rather than regular bathing, so I’m actually surprised that she hasn’t been hospitalized for TB or septicemia yet.
lol@SuburBint,
Sorry that I grossed you out. Butt really, I can see her pooping out after a sexual encounter and not taking a shower or brushing her teeth until the next day after work, because we DO see her having sex, getting up and going to work without a drop of water coming near her body. Of course she is gonna get some type of fungalooie when she does this.
LOve your re-cap
Thank You, Robin
SuburBint,
Our posts passed in the night. I agree completely.
Not to mention thinking that a t-shirt would mask the smell of her alcohol-laden urine soaking through the deck’s untreated floor boards. In the summer!
Can you imagine grilling out there with the smell of Snooki’s secretions wafting through your nose?
I seriously want to attack her and Deena with a bucket of hot, soapy water and a scrubbing brush. Washing them would be like chasing a labrador around the yard with a hose.
I will admit, I was slightly impressed that Snooki removed her underwear before she squatted and peed. I would’ve fancied her more a pull-the-thong-to-the-side kinda gal.
She probably removed them because it dawned on her that this wasn’t the first time she peed.
On a lighter note..a coked out, paranoid Situation is quite entertaining. He spoke his mind, he spilled his guts, he let it all hang out…dick included.
He didn’t much closure. From his zipper or his roommates.
@ sarcasatire – Given the bacterial count + amount of alcohol that was probably in her urine, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that section of the deck just rots away completely. I think one of those high-pressure jet washers at the do-it-yourself car washes would be the best bet in a ninja bathing attack situation, at least until the first 30 layers of detritus were removed.
My favorite part of Mike’s babblefest on the Patio of Unfortunate Events was when he said something to the effect of, “If I’m ever doing something that bothers you guys, tell me and I’ll stop,” completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve been asking him to put his pecker away for the past few minutes.
HAHA! Yes!!
(And the first two letters of my captcha is VD. How apropos!)
I am def not the kind of girl who is candid about sex or holds in my beloved profanity-filled raunchy way of talking when i’m joking with friends or whatever, but seriously. Announcing that your UTI was simply the result of having “butt sex” on national tv, in such a disturbingly non-chalant manner is TOO FUCKING MUCH. I think her parents are officially granted permission to not love her anymore after that one. I mean, I fucked up my life repeatedly, and made my parents cringe on the regular by saying inappropriate things to fuck with them sometimes, but COME ON. I used to actually think snooki was prettier than she was given credit for, but that kind of unneccessary, irrelevent personal detail offered by ANY girl would trump any beauty one can see in her. And newsflash snook: if you’d have just told jionni you hooked up with mike back in italy when it came out, then he would have spent 2 and a half days pouting/forgiving you, mike’s desperate need for the world to know he banged you, and all woul be back to “normal”, like, a month ago, no? Now she has to spend 1/2 of her party-nights running/hiding from mike in pure panic and misery, only to be exposed anyway whenever the shit airs. Genius plan, Playa. *wink*
Vinny clearly didnt want to return, but he’s under something called a “contract”, therefore, I assume he met with producers and negotiated a deal for “X” amount of days at home for his pinky-promise to not kill himself.
Lastly, I don’t know how much more “team meatball is CAH-RAAAZY and fun cuz they fall down and dress up in Body Shop clearance rack attire and burp a lot while jumping around and stuff” storyline I can tolerate. Unless they are gonna scheme up antics that are actually clever, unexpected, and/or witty in some way, then don’t bother insulting viewers by expecting us to be impressed, mmkay? If I had a dollar for every attention-starved sloppy drunk-ass skank, then I’d have more dollars than Snooki has Gyno visits in her life so far.
.”……….a dollar for every attention-starved sloppy drunk-ass skank iv’e rolled my eyes at, then I’d have more dollars than snooki has Gyno visits in her life so far”….is what I meant.
Dang. I hate having my “real life” interfere with my gasming. Soooo many great comments to catch up on.
“LOLOLOLOL SSC, I am calling him RIGHT NOW!” Baaaaaaaaaaad Gypsy. Bad. Bad. The resulting warp in the time/space continuum would be unthinkable. Sheesh!
SuperB, you have outdone yourself and the other recappers (sorry guys) in the great comments you have inspired. Never thought T&T could be outdone, but you have done it in images of positions and secretions that make me want to poke out my mind’s eye. After bleaching it. Yechhhhhh.
Tmurda, you said it all. Yikes.
Sarcasatire, I’ll hold the hose if we can get a volunteer to use the scrub brush after the dousing with soapy water. Who would want to get that close?
How far have you gotten in episodes, SuperB? IMHO you really don’t have to get into season 3 because that is when it gets heavily into the self-aware producer-driven ick.
Luvs ya all!!!!!!!!!!!
SSC
@ Tmurda – Throughout the entire episode, my husband and I were like, “Was Snooki raised by gorillas?” If I publicly did even half of the things Snooki has done on camera, my parents would have disowned me long ago. But then her dad came to visit, and so many things became clear. Not that he is trashy and disgusting, he seemed like a nice guy, but she has obviously been treated like a precious princess her entire life, so it’s like she has all the rights and privileges of adulthood but has never had any of the real responsibilities that accompany them. She went straight from living at her parents’ house to instafame courtesy of Jersey Shore. I also find the disconnect in her brain fascinating re: what she’ll say in front of her parents vs. what she’ll say in front of the camera.
It’s hard watching season one Snooki. She’s someone who was a party girl and was absolutely cramming as much “fun” into her 20′s as possible, but I think that if her Jersey Shore stint had been a one season thing, she would have gotten it out of her system, finished her community college degree, married some blue-collar union worker from upstate New Yawhk, popped out a couple of kids, and lived a relatively normal life. I’m up to episode 8 in season one and she has yet to have sex with anybody. Yes, she tried to make out with all of her male roommates in the hot tub one night and did make out with Ryder, but her behaviour has been relatively chaste thus far. To go from that to discussing butt sex casually (she has mentioned it in every. freaking. episode. this. season.) is a rapid downward spiral.
“Pinky-promise not to kill himself” slayed me. Seriously, I snort-laughed.
@ SSC – I think the credit for our comment-party goes to you guys who watch and/or read about the show and have so much to say about it rather than my writing. Honestly, this episode was so blah that I’m a bit worried about the quality of the full recap. Which is why I’m procrastinating on writing it and still playing here with my homies.
I have to say, I wouldn’t mind if a Jersey Shore insider were to stumble across these recaps and interject their two-cents (or, since they’re from back east, it would probably be a quawtah), a la Candass, but that would involve reading so we’re probably out of luck there.
I haven’t finished season one yet, Netflix only has seasons 1-3 so far and I’m not sure how much I’m going to watch. I’m of the “in for a penny, in for a pound” school of thought though, and will probably make it through the whole series eventually, so that I can experience the whole disintegration for myself.
<3, SuburBint
Oh the puns simply don’t stop. Robinez’ quip about snooki pooping out gave me a great giggle (and I do giggle greatly), and now superB wondering if an insider would stumble across this insane marathon of ours. It would have to be literally.
I’m sure everybody has heard of the city of Hoboken, N.J. refusing to allow JMOMM and Snooks to film a spinoff there: “Mayor Dawn Zimmer said the city council voted unanimously to deny the filming permit, filed by 495 Productions and MTV, ‘based on the negative impact it would have on the health, safety and welfare of our community.’”(Washington Post)
Gotta love a city that refuses to become contaminated by those unhygienic little kumquats.
Love to all, and eager for the fullcap. SSC
My friends (coworker from NJ included) and I had dinner at my place last night and we vegged out while watching the first season of Laguna Beach. As much as I make fun of those kids for being shallow and spoiled … we can all agree that they bathed regularly and talked about college every now and then to seem like they actually did want to do something with their lives. Trey never hosted AYA gatherings with his pickle hanging out, Kristin and Stephen never engaged in domestic abuse/obnoxious spats (keep on trucking on Jersey Shore, Suburbint!), and while LC would never even think about peeing in the shower, let alone on herself and sleeping in it.
Oh MTV, just when I think you can’t fall further, you find a new Marianas Trench of humanity to descend down, don’t you?
There are no words to describe how nasty Snooki was this episode.
Deena had no reaction when Sam was opening mocking the size of her ass…lol.
Every episode i watch for the past and current season has at least one moment that seriously makes me question why i’m watching and want to purge at the same time. I was thinking about this past episode while i was talking a shower yesterday (which was probably immediately after i watched), and all i could think was “one day their grandkids are going to see this”. Helluva legacy, i tell you what. Aren’t they on a beach? couldn’t she at least find some sand or dirt? I mean even a feral cat wouldn’t pee on the wooden deck.
Also, the thing with Mike’s penis hanging out, i think he completely did that on purpose. I 100% think it was some sick act of passive aggressive behavior.
@ SSC – thanks for the info on Hoboken! I looked up the denial letter and am quoting it in the full recap.
@ Elmstreet – LOL @ Marianas Trench.
@ mere2141 – Poor Deena. She has to know that she’s the least attractive girl in the house, but it doesn’t seem to affect the way she dresses or behaves or anything…
@ Buffy – I wondered the same thing about the penis incident, especially since he put it away right at the end of his speech, like he was waiting for the opportune moment and was going to leave it out until he’d had his say. I have NO idea what the rational behind doing it might be though, so I’m choosing to believe that it was accidental.
@ SuburBint -I really think it was an act of aggression. I just got that vibe the entire time it was happening. Also, as quick as they all are to poke fun at each other it seemed really odd that no one said anything. I don’t know, maybe this says more about me and my experiences with insane situations, but in my gut it feels deliberate. I’ll watch that part again and see if i feel different though, because it is possible. Like you said what could his reasoning be? Nothing makes a lot of sense.
@ Buffy – I think if you rewatch it, you’ll find that they said plenty – at first. Towards the end of his speech, though, everybody has completely tuned out, or left, but I’m not sure how much of that was peen avoidance and how much of it was that they are all just so very over Mike and his BS. I rewatched it after reading your post, and it definitely does have that vibe, and considering that it’s Mike we’re talking about, if anyone could rationalize showing his penis to make a point about being a nice guy, it would be him. Not that it would be a valid rationalization by any stretch.
I really, really, really want it to have been accidental, because A) Eww! and B) if Mike did it on purpose then he’s entering into “straight up mentally ill” territory, and I would hate to have a reason to feel any sympathy towards him at all.
To quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer (although that is not where my name comes from, I do love the show): “I see your ‘Ewww’ and raise you an ‘Ughhuhh”.
Well quoted, Buffy.
SuperB, I don’t think you have a thing to worry about. even if he is certifiable, there will never be a reason to feel any sympathy. Ever.
I dunno, SSC, it would feel unfair to be mock him so mercilessly if it were to turn out that he had a legitimate diagnosis and with proper treatment became a calm, rational, upstanding citizen.
LOL. I just tried to picture that, and my brain exploded. Oh well, in the unlikely event that such a thing were to happen, I can always send him an apologetic gift basket. Until then, he’s fair game! *gleefully rubbing my hands together*
Whew! Ya scared me girlfriend! Hmmmmmm. In the event that he is treatable, let’s think of what could be in that basket. Um, besides condoms and Ron Ron juice, that is.
Luv, SSC
“Gorillas in the Juicehead Mist” AXE body spray, obvi.
This isn’t turning out to be a very apologetic gift basket….
“To quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer (although that is not where my name comes from, I do love the show): “I see your ‘Ewww’ and raise you an ‘Ughhuhh”.”
What I said was no more disgusting than what the dirty girl said herself, or anything else than what has been said here before. Ewwwness shouldn’t be a problem when we are talking about reality show folks. Most of them are EWWWW.
Just hangin out, talkin’ about folks on tv..
@ Robinez – the “Ewww” Buffy was referring to was regarding what I said in comment #42, not my “ewwwwwwww” to what you said (which I found hilarious because it was so plausible.) It was entirely “ewww”ness about how disgusting Mike is as a person, and not a reflection on what you said at all.
@SuburBint,
There is so much ewwww to go around when we are talking about those people that it is hard to keep up with the ewwwwws! I need a shower after READING about them, can you imagine walking into that house?
Ewwwwwww.
TC, Robin
@ Robinez – We need an “eww” that indicates humorous appreciation of a very gross but completely valid point that someone makes in the comments and an “eww” that is used solely to register absolute disgust when cast members do absolutely disgusting things. Alas, the English language does have it’s limits.
<3, Suburbint
SuperB and Roninez, you two are sooooo *eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww* hilarious! Despite the limitaions of the language, I think that we can usually figure out which eww it is. Otherwise, there’ll never be another eww.
Must admit to getting bogged down in all the ewwing. Prolly ’cause I was laughing too hard.
@Robinez -Suburbint is right regarding what i was referring too. While your summation of possible events was gross, it was also probably totally on target, and i agree with you completely.
@SuburBint – good lookin’ out!