Minicap: Jersey Shore

MiniCaps

By SuburBint | Friday, February 10, 2012 | 1:35 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

I swear, this show gets more boring every week. Here’s the quick and dirty about what happened:

Mike: Is too much of a bitch to tell Jionni man-to-man about the alleged hook-up with Snooki, so he calls One-Inch to handle it for him. One-Inch is in Miami, however, so The Schitzuation (© snowshoecat) puts the Snooki plan on the back burner and instead shifts his focus to digging up dirt on Deena’s sister’s relationship with his brother. That guy is going to end up getting horribly, horribly murdered one day if he doesn’t stop playing games with people.

JMomm: Paul Bunyan keeps brushing her off, and then makes it all her fault by accusing her of having trust issues. Instead of dumping his ass, she apologizes.

Vinny: Is hoping to convert a lesbian to straightness through the mighty, mighty power of his penis (nothing can defeat the penis!) When that fails, he hooks up with a girl who is only “a five or a six,” and I begin to despise him.

Deena: Plays wingman to Vinny, keeping the not-as-hot girl on the string for him until he gets soundly rejected by the lesbian. She then keeps ditching work with Snooki and worries that she’ll get fired as a result. As if.

Snooki: Gets what just might be her first ever hangover, and my heart soars.

Pauly: Has an unfortunate looking stalker, and engages in a grenade war with Vinny.

Ronnie and Sammi: I’m pretty sure they were in this episode at some point.

Check back for the full recap in a couple of days. Until then, you can refresh your memory on all the previous Jersey Shore insanity here. As always, your comments are what brings this miserable show to life, so have at it!

<3, SuburBint

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Buffy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    I agree: More boring every week.
    Also, i am beginning to believe that EVERYTHING The Meatballs do is for the camera. I cannot believe they would behave in such a way otherwise. running around the racks in the Shore Store like it was a Westminster Kennel Club course? Really?
    So, now i’m thinking if the cameras weren’t there Snookie might have waited 30 seconds for a bathroom to become available, instead of peeing on the deck last episode.

  2. 2
    SuburBint
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    @ Buffy – “Westminster Kennel Club course” – spot on! I LOL’d outloud.

  3. 3
    mere2142
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    I texted my friend during the show and asked if Sammi moved out of the house. And the whole thing withMike’s Brother/Deena’s sister was just so stupid. Why does he care?

    So I rewound many times to figure out what was bleeped. My take – Deena’s sister is a ‘squirter’. Anyone else come to the same conclusion? And why does that have to be bleeped?

  4. 4
    SuburBint
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    @ mere2142 – I finally decided that’s what they were bleeping out also, and I have no idea why it’s bleep-worthy. I have yet to see any discernible rhyme or reason as to what is bleeped and what isn’t.

    Mike only cares about Deena’s sister and his brother because he won’t blow the whistle on Snooki without One Inch’s help, and he needed somebody else to mess with. Why he picked Deena and why he is choosing this way to go about it makes no sense, but neither does anything else that he does.

    <3, SuburBint

  5. 5
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Whaaaaat? You guys don’t know why that would be bleeped? It’s insanely, grossly dirty. At least in my opinion.

    Mike embodies the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Fake nice, get butthurt that no one cares you’re fake nice, declare yourself the villian, get butthurt that everyone thinks you’re a villain. This SAME THING happened in Italy!

  6. 6
    Buffy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    @mere2142 & @SuburBint – i agree it looked like he said squirter. I don’t know why they would beep that anyway while they’re throwing around DTF 10 times an episode. To me that is way more gross. Well, actually the squirter thing isn’t even gross. Ugh rationally trying to explain any of this irrationality is pointless.
    Can someone explain to me why i look forward to this show every Thursday? I really do love it and hate it at the same time. Maybe they just make me feel good about myself in comparison. Haha, instead of going to a therapist for low self esteem issues people should just stick to a diet of Jersey Shore episodes.
    Also, @SuburBint – your recaps crack me up and give me so much pleasure that it’s nice to know i made you laugh! Thanks

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    @ JudgyWudgy – Like Buffy, I don’t understand why they would bleep squirter when they allow so much other stuff to go uncensored. Is it TMI and vulgar to discuss? Sure, it’s information that I don’t know about my closest friends and certainly don’t need to know about a stranger, nor would I ever discuss whether I am or am not one myself. But for them to bleep that, a mere fact of biology, when the entire show is a paean to utter debauchery, treating human beings as objects rather than with dignity and respect, and making life decisions that would have unpleasant to disastrous consequences for anyone that wasn’t protected by fame and money, makes no sense. I find the way Mike and Pauly make their random, nameless hook-ups wait on the curb for a taxi to be far more offensive and disgusting than the information about how Deena’s sister’s lady parts function.

    @ Buffy – OMG, the mental image that I had of Snooki and Deena on an actual agility course has kept me chuckling all evening. And then, in my brain, there’s Danny chasing them all, “Bad Meatballs! Bad! Sit! No treats for you!” Believe me, you have definitely reciprocated in full for any laughs I may have given you.

  8. 8
    Buffy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    @SuburBint -What you just said about what is really going on on the show very eloquently articulated my EXACT feelings. Yay! Thanks for putting it so perfectly

  9. 9
    SuburBint
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 5:57 am

    @ Buffy – After reading your comment, I figured that you felt the way I did about the ridiculous standards for what is and is not considered crass enough to censor on JS. The whole point of bleeping and regulations considering what is and is not appropriate to be shown on television is based around the changing standard of what is most likely to offend the sensibilities of the demographic that the show caters too. And really, with JS, their behavior is so reprehensible that their language is the least of my concerns. Not to mention the fact that pretty much anybody who watches this show is going to be able to fill in every single word that gets bleeped out, although I must admit that I had to read Mike’s lips in order to figure out what he was saying about Deena’s sister.

    <3, SuburBint

  10. 10
    Buffy
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:10 am

    i think i might love you

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:14 am

    *blush*

  12. 12
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Call me cynical (also irresistable), but does anybody else kinda get the feeling that many of this season’s threads are setting us up for spin-offs? JMoMM can’t find What’s his name (how quickly we forget when we don’t care, Schitz is busy trying to get One Inch to help him break Snooks up with Jionni– all to clear the way for Snooks and JMoMM to be free to enjoy who-knows-what wacky hijinx in Jersey City. Oh, and there might have been a spin-off with Schitz and One Inch if the aforementioned Inch hadn’t been busted for possession of a date-rape drug (letting us all know for sure just how desperate he is).

    Meanwhile, Pauly D has his show, and who knows? After a long evening of DJing, he might return home to find Vinny waiting for him with a drink in hand and a casserole in the oven keeping warm.

    Yawn and Sammi will buy a farm in Upstate New York and raise Dalmations, never to be seen in public again.

    Love, SSN

  13. 13
    SuburBint
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 7:20 am

    @ cynical, irresistible SSC – The thought of a Schitz/One Inch spin-off made throw up in my mouth.

    Looks like Snooki and Jionni are still together, so Michael’s Machiavellian wiles came to naught. But based on the WWHL clips I saw with JMomm and Snooki, it does appear that Paul Bunyan and JMomm’s romance isn’t going to last the season.

    This was the first episode in which I saw Vinny’s douche-bag side, and I think Pauly D can do better.

    Finally, Dalmatians? I was thinking Labradoodles.

    <3, SuburBint

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 10:02 am

    SuperB: Well, I started out with Chichu– you know, those teeny little yappy things– but couldn’t spell it. So I settled for Dalmations. Labradoodles work. Yep. I can see that couple raising. Labradoodles. Or Rotweilers. Or Labradoolers.

    Love, SSC

  15. 15
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I guess the cheese stands alone, but I see the difference between morally reprehensible behavior for which you can come to your own conclusion and blatantly sexual conversation. Both are equally offensive but follow different guidelines.

    No way. I have a Labradoodle and I refuse to own a Jersey kid mascot. I feel like the guys need an over-compensating breed while the girls are partial to small yappy breeds. They just need to successfully cross a Pomeranian with a Pit Bull and they’ve hit the jackpot.

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    JudgyWudgy, Now there is a combination. At least my idea of the Labradoodle/Rotweiler combo (Labradoodler) seemed to hit paydirt. A Piteranian sounds like a refugee from a war zone. PomBull? Luv, SSC

  17. 17
    SuburBint
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Pit Bulls have enough bad press already without involved in this mess. Yorkies, maybe?

  18. 18
    Kimmi Paul
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    I just have to say I have watched every season of Jersey Shore and they become more and more of a caricature of themselves (especially Mike and the Meatballs).

    I am glad you cleared up what Mike said that got bleeped. I rewound it and thought he said she swallowed, but squirter makes more sense. And that is a bodily function that just happens with some women that can’t be helped. And if with ALL the women Mike has been with he hasn’t come across one before…well that tells me that he has NO idea how to satisfy a woman. It’s a rare event but happens when a woman orgasms, so Mikey, no orgasm…so squirting. Loser.

    And speaking of Schicz…I think the first thought that came to mind last week and this week was not a mental imbalance but steroids. Steroids will cause your back and chest to completely break out. And you won’t get Ronnie big unless you are predisposed to it. Steroid use will cause paranoia.

    Love the recaps…Thanks for the laughs :)

  19. 19
    SuburBint
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    @ Kimmi Paul – Amen, sister! The steroids thing occurred to me after watching him pick at his chest pimples in this week’s episode. That would also explain why he has to get his minion to do all of his dirty work for him, if his balls are all shriveled up and useless from using steroids.

    Glad you enjoy the recaps!

    <3, SuburBint

  20. 20
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 12:23 am

    I agree, Kimmi Paul. I’ve never heard a guy put a girl down for being a squirter. If anything, having evidence of a girl’s orgasm is more reassurance that she wasn’t faking it. As for the Sitch’s ‘sitches’..most likely they were ALL faking it.
    Steroids or not, Mike is definitely overcompensating. There’s no way his vienna sausage can even “reach” a g-spot.

    Rammi is getting absolutely no camera time this season. Are they even miked? Sammi never goes out with the girl. Ronnie goes out with the guys but he just stands there and gives exaggerated reaction shots to whatever Pauly D and Vinnie get up to.

    I can understand MTV sparing us Rammi fights, but they don’t even show them together much, do they? Why not a cute scene of them cuddled on the couch? Or sitting up in their beds watching Mike snore? Something! But hey, maybe this is their Season of Redemption, and as it will be the last, those two crazy kids can go out on a high note.

    Love you, SuburBint! Can’t wait to read your full recap! :)

    P.S. Why does Jwoww always *need* a boyfriend? She claimed to be into Black Widow sex in her intro but she’s more into termite sex. Did you know they mate for life?

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