Minicap: Jersey Shore

MiniCaps

By SuburBint | Friday, March 16, 2012 | 4:58 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,

Season finale! Those eleven episodes just flew by, didn’t they?

The roommates return from their camping trip to discover Pauly and Vinny’s elaborate turning-the-house-inside-out prank, and once they get over their initial surprise everyone takes it really well, barring one cast member. Said cast member bitches and moans and postures threateningly like a silverback gorilla, and refuses to bring his stuff inside even though a rain storm is coming.

I don’t want to name any names though, or he might track me down and annoy me to death.

The other housemates bring their stuff inside and cover whatever they’re not able to take care of right away with tarps, and otherwise act like good-natured people who like each other and can laugh in the face of (entirely manufactured and completely not really that inconvenient) adversity. Mike says he’s leaving today anyway and it’s a shame all the stuff that belongs in his room will be ruined. He then goes to check on his stuff after the rain stops and blows a gasket because it is all ruined. Like he just said it would be. And chose to do nothing about. HATE. Anyway, Pauly and Vinny help him move his stuff back in and some sort of peace is temporarily restored.

(I just noticed that Mike has the same bedding set as my four-year-old son, and feel a need to redecorate immediately.)

Deena’s sister and Mike’s brother are still dating, and since Mike failed to create the Ultimate Dramatic Meltdown that he was hoping for with Jionni, Mike turns his attention to letting the world know that Deena’s sister is a “squirter.” He begins by telling Snooki, who then tells Deena after they run into Joanie at Jenk’s. Deena is not amused. She confronts Mike about what he said back at home, and he denies saying anything, blames it on One Inch, and honestly, he is so hopped up on whatever it is that he’s taking nowadays, Deena would be wise to just back out quietly and leave Mike the hell alone until they move out.

Vinny has resumed his lesbian quest, and succeeds in bringing two lesbians home only to find out that Ronnie and Sammi have moved into the smush room. He finally talks Ronnie into turning the room back into fuck-central instead of a couple’s retreat. The night camera footage looks like the girls are way more into each other and Vinny can’t even get in on a three-way kiss, but Vinny claims that he rode the tricycle. My guess is that they let him watch, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.

On their second to last night at the shore, a huge storm approaches (Hurricane Irene? I think that fits the timeline) and the roommates stand out watching the lightning until Seaside Height’s official get-your-asses-somewhere-safe whistle blows. At which point Deena decides that the safest course of action for herself and her Marlboro Menthol Lights is to get in the car and drive away. Her roommates talk her out of it, and Deena’s first and only chance to travel to the wonderful land of Oz is lost forever.

Despite the weather, our intrepid partyers have to spend their last night out at Karma. Mike’s brother Frank is there with Joanie, and Deena decides that this is an excellent opportunity to confront Frank about what he may or may nor be telling people about her sister. Mike intercepts and talks Deena into letting it go because “Frankie and Joanie are good together.”

After a nice last night together family dinner, Sammi and Deena concoct a water-balloon prank to get the boys back for the furniture incident, which completely backfires on them because a) they’re ding-a-lings, and b) they’ve never read “The Art of War.”

Pauly wakes everybody up with smoke alarms. He is still my favorite, although is someone did that to me I would hurt them badly. Probably with an axe. We see everybody pack, and they start leaving the house. First Ronnie and Sammi; then Paul Bunyan arrives to take JMomm away; then Mike gets several one-armed hugs before getting in his taxi; Mama Vinny turns up to take Vinny away, and I’m not gonna lie, I got a lump in my throat when he and Pauly said goodbye; Deena’s taxi comes to collect her; Big Jerry comes for Pauly; so now it’s just Snooki alone in the house. What is she doing to do to fill her time until her dad gets there?

Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Anyone?

She wanders the house, drink in hand, saying goodbye to the rooms and the furniture and the duck phone. So far as I know, she does not urinate on anything. Papa Snooki gets there, and we’re out!

“Il Fine” reads the final title card. I guess we’ll find out soon enough if that’s true.

See you soon in the full ‘cap!

About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

20 Comments

  1. 1
    hot cawfee
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    cannot wait to watch this tonight—- am going to miss the show and these crazy kids and their hi-jinks.
    Cannot wait for the full re-cap!!

  2. 2
    hot cawfee
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    OMGasmi!!!!!!!

    VH1 is showing Pop-Up Jersey Shore tonight– two episodes from the beginning– with awful Angelina–are slated for tonight.

    Jeebus–is the world now spinning backwards?????
    I am so watching this— pint glass refilled!!!!!

  3. 3
    whataboutmaura
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    I’m not ashamed to say I had a dream about Pauly D last night…and I was very sad to wake up this morning lol. I’ve been looking for that man ever since I moved to Rhode Island!

  4. 4
    Liz
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    I was completely freaked out by the fact that that camera guy was just like standing there while the (alleged) threesome started. Did he just stand there and watch? Yikes!

  5. 5
    SuburBint
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I choose to believe that they have night-vision cameras planted in the rooms that are controlled from an outside location — like, if you saw the first season of the Real World, at one point the roommates all stormed the command room where editing and other behind-the-scenes stuff took place — so even though a camera person is technically viewing whatever atrocities take place in the smush room and can control the camera angle/zoom/whatever to a certain degree, that extra person isn’t actually in the room with them. Still creepy and gross, but not quite as personal as, say, filming porn.

  6. 6
    Liz
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Ok I had to go back and make sure. It was something about the way the light turned off but none of them seemed to be near a light switch, and then the camera changing to night vision, and then there was a weird shadow like there was a boom guy standing there or something. But upon further review, I think you’re right and it was just one of the installed cameras. That makes me feel much better.

  7. 7
    Buffy
    Posted March 16, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    True to (his new) form, Vinny found a way to disgust me right through the final episode. I had such high hopes for him when this show began, but now he is just a gross pervey idiot.
    And it’s a damn shame when Ronnie is the only one to point out the painfully obvious point: That girl did look like Matthew MCahnaughey (sp???).
    In all it was a pretty flat episode to end the season and possibly series with, but whatevs. They can’t all be “SHARK??!!”

  8. 8
    carol
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Wow, I am watching the after show online right now, can the after show be included in the recap, it is short but full of snark, and the host is Mr. Beautiful. When they are talking about Dena’s sister and her squirting, it totally looks like Vinny is playing with himself. Snookie’s shoes are almost as tall as she is.

    I really hope there is a new cast for the next season. It would be amazing if they could find a cast of people who have never even seen the show, sort of like finding a jury for the show.

  9. 9
    Buffy
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 3:12 am

    I never thought of a new cast! that would be great. I mean, the show must have come from the True Life Jersey Shore episode, so a new cast could happen.
    We need a Jersey Shore 2: CANCUN!!
    hahaha (but kind of serious)

  10. 10
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 5:19 am

    How pathetic. We have all felt sorry for poor Deena, and she is so alone that she doesn’t even have a family member to pick her up from the shore. She has to take a cab.

    Nope. Sorry to say that it would be impossible to find a virgin cast… in so many ways. The whole idea of innocent kids thrown together to form a hedonistic band of horrible people is now expected.

    Pleeeeeeeeze find another horrible show to set the snark going for us, SuperB!!!!!!!!!!! Luv ya, need ya, can’t live without ya– wouldn’t that make a terrific song lyric?

    Come back soon after the fullcap, SuperB!

  11. 11
    Buffy
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 5:41 am

    @snowshoecat -”The whole idea of innocent kids thrown together to form a hedonistic band of horrible people is now expected.”

    I’m totally down with that!

  12. 12
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Buffy, wouldn’t that be great? But how could anybody find that many– or any– innocent kids?

  13. 13
    SuburBint
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Start with the Duggar’s home-schooling support group and/or church.

  14. 14
    SuburBint
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 7:02 am

    I agree completely about Vinny. I just want to slap him constantly. When he was talking about “turning them back to the straight team” or however he phrased it, I almost bought a plane ticket to New York so I could hunt him down and kick his ass.

    Also, Vinny just happened to encounter two honest-to-goodness lesbians who were willing to come home with him on the very last night at Karma? Nope. Don’t believe it. Those girls were placed there deliberately, and I imagine that they were paid well for the “privilege” of coming home with Vinny, making out for a while in the smush room, and allowing themselves to be portrayed as having had a threesome with him. They looked like they were pulled right out of central casting.

    They should have edited the show in such a way as to have made “SHARK?!” the last episode. It still get the giggles every time I think about it. For a season finale, much less a series finales, this was incredibly boring.

  15. 15
    SuburBint
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @carol – I don’t know if I’ll put the after show with the full recap or give it it’s own recap, but I’ll cover it one way or another.

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 9:15 am

    You don’t seriously think they don’t, er, sneak out of the compound once in a while?

    Hmmmmm. Fun group to send out on their own to seaside, NJ– or wherever that place is.

  17. 17
    SuburBint
    Posted March 17, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I grew up around those types of families; not in, we actually owned a TV and my parents only had two kids, but I had several friends who were only allowed to wear skirts and had siblings in the double digits. The degree to which they did NOT sneak out of the compound was shocking.

  18. 18
    jerseyj
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I’ve been arguing since the end of Season 1 that they should have a new cast every season. I never understood why it wasn’t basically The Real World with guidos. New cast every season, but same city. Gotta keep it in Sleazeside! (the not-so-affectionate nickname us locals give Seaside) Believe me, I grew up near the shore and there are more than enough of these people from Bergen County, Staten Island, etc. to keep it going for years to come!

  19. 19
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I really wish you had been able to give the producers the Word. The show would have been so much better for so much longer. However, that said, the time to find a bunch of kids who are unaffected by the fame and notoriety the show has generated is long over. They have now been “trained” how to act in certain situations (NO pun intended). Okay– circumstances.

    What we have been dreaming about lately is getting a bunch of kids who are uncorrupted, and that is now impossible. I still hope you can sneak around the SnookWow series. If it ever comes about.

  20. 20
    jerseyj
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 4:15 am

    @snowshoecat, I don’t live in NJ anymore, so unfortunately we’ll have to find someone else to do our spying on the SnookWow series. I hightailed it out of there the second I graduated highschool and never looked back!

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