Minicap: Jersey Shore

MiniCaps

By SuburBint | Friday, October 5, 2012 | 11:18 am | 21 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,

OMG, you guys!!! Jersey Shore is back!!! I have to keep reminding myself that this is a minicap because I have So Very Many Things To Say. For now, however, let us merely touch upon a few crucial factors that are going to make this season fucking amazeballs.

Things that have changed: Mike is Clean & Sober and has his sobriety patter down perfectly. Snooki is great with child (I guess she’s only mediocre with child since pregnancy has turned her into a Whingey McWhingerkins from Whingersville, Whingesilvania, but in all fairness this is probably the most difficult task she’s ever been faced with that she couldn’t pass off to someone else.) JMomm and Paul Bunyan are living together, which is going about as well as you might imagine. Sammi & Ronnie were broken up at the reunion but are back together and finally have a bedroom all to themselves!

Deena looks like this now. And she has a serious boyfriend.

Things that are the same: Mike is all about Mike. Snooki thinks about alcohol all the time, only now it’s in a self-pitying, counting-down-the-days sort of way. JMomm is insecure and depressed because she doesn’t have a ring on her finger yet and covers for it by being super bitchy and pretending like she doesn’t care. Sammi and Ronnie were broken up at the reunion but are back together. When it comes to brain cells, Deena is still behind the curve. Gionni continues to defy the laws of physics by carrying that much muscle mass on such a short body — his center of gravity is probably located at his knees. And Pauly D and Vinny haven’t changed one iota, although so far Vinny is totally getting the jealous rejected suitor edit in regards to Snooki, which is g0ing to get old fast.

Stay tuned for the minicap for the second half of the season premiere and the full episode recaps, and in the meantime why not take a walk down the memory boardwalk by checking out the recaps of seasons gone by? Thanks for reading!

 

About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

21 Comments

  1. 1
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

    AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh!
    That’s all.

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    I LOVE SITCH!!! But you already knew that SB. :)

  3. 3
    crazy rooster
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Saw clean and sober Mike on the Ellen show the other day and he looked so shiny and younger it almost made me want to quit drinking. Almost…

  4. 4
    sasha
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    o come on ronnie and sam, what are u guys trying to prove, you don’t belong together already. Find other people in your life, or your just doin this to get Your Own Show?

  5. 5
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Does Sammi’s family hate her? Why do they continue to let The Most Toxic Relationship On Earth happen? We already know Ron’s mom is a fall-down drunk and his dad’s stuck somewhere in the 80s so they’re no help, but what’s family Giancola’s excuse?

    Also, I’ve always had my suspicions but I’d like to thank Deena for solidifying her place as The Most Annoying Girl in the World last night. Yes, I’m giving out lots of clever titles.

  6. 6
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted October 5, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Yay! Suburbint is back!! May your recaps be 12 pages long!!

    What is this crap about Vinnie pining for Snooki? Was it because the Sitch pining for Snooki didn’t work? (Of course it didn’t work.) I watched a few episodes of Season One, and my God, is Mike a weasel!! A slimy, slimy weasel. Ewww. Are any of them going to talk to him? It seems like all of the girls are pissed at him, and Vinny doesn’t like him. Should be a fascinating year…

    Bring Angelina back!!

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Well, he started out as the Situation. Then last year the little weasel became the Snituation. This year a clean and sober Mike just might be the Bitchuation.

    Looks like we will have to have the whine-off among the girls (variant spelling of whinge) because it is going to be difficult to decide who is the most annoying.

    Oooooooh it is so good to have the Shore and all its draaaaaaama baaaaaack.

    And welcome back, SuperB! Missed ya.

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

    @ classy d — He’s so gross! So, so gross. Very, extremely gross. Blech!

    @ crazy rooster — The only difference I’ve noticed so far is less paranoia; other than that, he doesn’t really seem all that different to me. IMHO he’s one of those who transfers his addiction from substances to an addiction to Being In Recovery and it will be interesting to see how that plays out over the season.

    @ sasha — My theory (completely unfounded and unprovable) is that MTV pays Ronnie and Sam a bonus for every episode in which they are a couple. They have less chemistry than Tom Cruise and Katie Homes did in the six months before their divorce, and I will be amazed — AMAZED, I tell you — if they are still together.

    @ JudgyWudgy — Deena blew me away when I first saw her. I had forgotten about the weight loss and plastic surgery, and it all felt like a really bizarre dream until she spoke, and then there was the Deena that I know, love, and pity. Girlfriend still makes me sad.

    @ CynTV — 12 pages? I’ll try, just for you. :-) If you watched the Snooki & JMomm spinoff or read any of my recaps (which… yeah, we won’t talk about what happened there) when Snooks broke the pregnancy/engagement news, Vinny’s reaction was very interesting. All of the roommates were rude about it, but Vinny was even more of a dick than the rest of them, and I wanted to slap him. Which admittedly is how I always feel about him, but during that episode I was ready to fly to NY and hunt him down at his momma’s house in Staten Island. And there was a little hint last season that there were still feelings between the two of them, as they spent a day together on the boardwalk, but that story line was dropped in favor of the whole thing with her and Mike. I have to wonder if there was more to the whole pining-Vinny thing and it was edited out because it didn’t fit the arc that they were going for last season, but now that Snooki can’t drink they are looking for ways to keep her interesting? Also, I give Mike ’til episode 6 to start at drinking again, which he will blame on his roommates and the bad examples that they set.

    @ SSC — They’re all annoying bitches, and I think it’s going to be a draw this season. We’ll see.

  9. 9
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Do you really think Mike will start drinking again?
    I hope not.

    Deena Deena Deena…still messy. (sigh)

  10. 10
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Poor Deena. Bless her heart, by the time she’s 40 she’s going to resemble a beach ball.

  11. 11
    KJN KJN
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    What on earth was wrong with Deena!?! “I’ve never been happier in my whole life!”. Great, now stop crying and being a hot mess and enjoy these few weeks, cause it’s going away real soon. Then you can go back to your boyfriend and no one will even remember who you are.

    And, what was up with Sammi just going on the next day (even later that same night) acting like everything was fine and dandy with Ron, and he didn’t say all those incredibly mean and cruel things to her? That was just flat out emotional and mental abuse. He’s gonna beat the crap out of her some day when he’s “blacked out”.

  12. 12
    Andrea
    Posted October 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Ronnie did an appearance in my city, and while I wasn’t there, I heard he was telling people that he and Sam only actually dated in the first season, and after that it was all just at MTV’s insistence that they kept up the charade. I wouldn’t be surprised if they do hook up with each other and have fleeting feelings, and it’s possible he was just telling people that so he could have sex with other girls while here, but if it’s true, he might be a bit more of a redeemable human being. As might Sam.

    I hope it is true, because of Sam just lets her treat him like that and really does blindly love him, it’s sickening.

  13. 13
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted October 7, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Is it just me or did all the guys (with the exception of Vinny) look super jacked? Mike is obviously in even better shape, but Pauly and Ronnie looked “yooge”!

  14. 14
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted October 7, 2012 at 10:54 am

    @Andrea, I read that Sammi and Ronnie are living together – http://www.examiner.com/article/jersey-shore-s-sammi-on-living-with-ronnie-it-couldn-t-be-more-perfect

    That could be false tabloid fodder and the MTV thing could be true, but I also wouldn’t doubt your theory. As the sky is blue, Ron is a piece of shit. He just sucks.

    I also read that Deena lost 15 pounds but to me it looks like it was all in her face, which to me is the only part that looks slimmer. Am I the only one?

  15. 15
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Oh no Judgy. Her tummy looks flatter and legs look tighter. She looks like a naturally curvy woman so she’s always going to have a coke bottle shape.

  16. 16
    Andrea
    Posted October 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Hmm, I’m not sure what to believe. He might tell girls that he isn’t with Sam in order to hook up, because I know he had sex with another girl while here! Either way, he gives me the creeps.

  17. 17
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 8, 2012 at 7:10 am

    SoRay @ClasSay but that coke bottle figure won’t last. She is simply going to lose the fight– especially after pregnancy loosens the abdominal muscles.

    If I’m wrong, and I hope I am, my apologies. I’m just remembering the curvy girls from my class reunion. Oh how I envied them in high school, but I can still buy petite clothes. ’nuff said.

  18. 18
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 8, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Welcome back Superb!

    You know these women have meatball problems of their own if Deena’s nose job is the best looking pastic surgery in the house. Jwoww’s face actually looks like she got hooked by a fishing line it’s yanked so far up and to one side.

    I agree the guys look big. Mike’s arms look huge but he forgot leg day. Rawn is just a beast and I love him but Pauly looks a littl bloated. A cucle maybe?

    How soon till we get sick of Mike’s Big Book beating. Or are we already?

  19. 19
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted October 8, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I thought Pauly looked a bit fluffy also…

  20. 20
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 8, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Fluffy….nice! Oh and I mean cycle. Typo Monday….

  21. 21
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 8, 2012 at 8:52 am

    @Gypsy, I hopped off of the Mike train in Italy and I’m not gonna catch that one again. Not after the wreck. Uh unh. Nope. So over.

    @ClasSay, fluffy! *giggle, snort*

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