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OMG, you guys!!! Jersey Shore is back!!! I have to keep reminding myself that this is a minicap because I have So Very Many Things To Say. For now, however, let us merely touch upon a few crucial factors that are going to make this season fucking amazeballs.
Things that have changed: Mike is Clean & Sober and has his sobriety patter down perfectly. Snooki is great with child (I guess she’s only mediocre with child since pregnancy has turned her into a Whingey McWhingerkins from Whingersville, Whingesilvania, but in all fairness this is probably the most difficult task she’s ever been faced with that she couldn’t pass off to someone else.) JMomm and Paul Bunyan are living together, which is going about as well as you might imagine. Sammi & Ronnie were broken up at the reunion but are back together and finally have a bedroom all to themselves!
Deena looks like this now. And she has a serious boyfriend.
Things that are the same: Mike is all about Mike. Snooki thinks about alcohol all the time, only now it’s in a self-pitying, counting-down-the-days sort of way. JMomm is insecure and depressed because she doesn’t have a ring on her finger yet and covers for it by being super bitchy and pretending like she doesn’t care. Sammi and Ronnie were broken up at the reunion but are back together. When it comes to brain cells, Deena is still behind the curve. Gionni continues to defy the laws of physics by carrying that much muscle mass on such a short body — his center of gravity is probably located at his knees. And Pauly D and Vinny haven’t changed one iota, although so far Vinny is totally getting the jealous rejected suitor edit in regards to Snooki, which is g0ing to get old fast.
Stay tuned for the minicap for the second half of the season premiere and the full episode recaps, and in the meantime why not take a walk down the memory boardwalk by checking out the recaps of seasons gone by? Thanks for reading!