Jesrsey Shore Recap: Tales From The Kooka

Ok, so I don’t know how to spell kooka/cuka/cooka. Add that to my list of shortcomings and moral failings of which there are mucho alotto. It’s nice to know that I am capable, but not likely, of being wrong. Anykooka, thanks for the birthday wishes! Vegas was great…we do it every year but this year was better than ever because I got to spend some of it typing up a recap while my head was nuzzled between the breasts of a matronly stripper named Candi. I figured I better get crazy before I turn 30, so yeah, that happened. I don’t have any pics yet but the sad thing is I kind of looked like Snooki in my party dress so I’ll be joining the gym yet again tomorrow morning. And thanks for clearing up the Snooki/Deena matador thing. It’s even cuter now! And I’ll give Snooki a pass on the Italian driving although Deena seemed to have no trouble spotting the upcoming traffic and telling Snooki to stop. I’ll let it slip since she only hit a cop car. If she’d hit a pizza delivery man or a singing hobo, I’d pull the lever myself. So what did the JS gang do in Italy this week? Let’s find out now before I pass out from Pauly D withdrawal.

Hells. Yeah.

We pick up at the car accident scene from last week. Snooki is in jail for running into a cop car and the guys go to pick her up and show her license. She ends up getting her driving privileges revoked and a fine. Gee, that wasn’t exciting at all. I was hoping for a montage of Snooki walking into jail, getting corn rows, having a fight with a Latina gang leader and serving up lunch in a hair net to the tune of “Gangsta’s Paradise”. Que sera sofa…Snooki tells Jionni what happened and he is pretty laid back about it because it doesn’t involve any of his body parts or spaghetti. He tells her that Roger can’t go to Italy and JWoww cries when she finds out that it’s true. it turns out that Roger’s brain was still set on “guido” and waited too long between tanning cycles to request days off of work for the visit. Can’t Jenni just buy him at this point? She starts crying and ugh! I get the whole “i love my greased up boyfriend thing”, but I don’t watch Jersey Shore for emotions and normal relationships. Fuck all this. Let’s get drunk! The girls, minus a shaken up Snooki, go out for drinks. The guys go out too on account of them having no emotional ties to anyone and their new moniker, including Ronnie, is MR.VP. Man, I’m such a sucker for these guys and their lame ass acronyms. That is an acronym, right? Whatever it is, it made me giggle and scratch a little.

While Snooki is on house arrest and talking to Jionni, Brittany shows up looking for Mike. You’ll recall Brittany as being the Floridian chick that Mike slutted out for the first few episodes. Snooki decides to let the girl in and put her in Mike’s bed. Ooooh, Mike’s gonna be so upset when he sees her, right?! Wrong! When Mike gets home, he’s surprised to see Brittany in his bed and she seems a little embarassed to find that Mike already has a girl with him for the night.

This ladies and gentlemen is the slut in her natural habitat. Do not scratch yourself or she will try to mate with you.

Mike ends up sending the new chick home because he knows that Brittany will do him and the other chick might not. Besides the whole broken neck thing, Mike always seems to make out in the end! The next day in TV time, Snooki is getting nervous about seeing Jionni. Pauly D says that since she hooked up with Mike and Deena, something is going to pop off when Jionni arrives.

JWoww spray painting over Snooki’s unfortunate tattoo of Mike’s face.

Jionni finally gets to the house.

“Hey Nicole, come out here and see my perfected little league coach stance.”

Snooki runs downstairs to greet him and then runs him upstairs and into the smush room. Our sweet, hip switching Jionni has other plans. He decides to shower and put on a Brooks Brothers suit before sealing the deal with her.

“Relax your big dumb head Nicole. I have to put on my cuff links before I do you. Whaddya think, I’m an animal?”

Mike swears that Jionni knows what happened with him and Snooki but everyone tries to downplay it. Mike, who has never been  caught off guard by anything but a stationary concrete wall, starts practicing his new ka-ra-tay moves that he was required to take as part of his self esteem building course. At the club that night, Mike obsessively talks about being ready to fight Jionni. Everyone keeps telling him that Jionni doesn’t have an issue with him but Mike’s talking like he’s on helium and he’s also sniffing a lot whilst saying this so…you know. Ronnie has traded in his Luther King persona for straight up King. As in Don King.

I guess Ronnie wants to be on the other side of the fight for once. The group ends up going to another club to cool things off and in the car, Mike is still going on about this imaginary sexual tension he and Jionni share. Pauly says to Mike “knock yourself out” if he wants to talk to Jionni. And he’s back! Pauly is definitely that kid back in school that wouldn’t let you forget that you wet your pants in kindergarten. I’m looking at you Ronnie. At the club, Snooki is dancing on the stage like a midget snake charmer and starts lifting her dress which is already crazy short. Then she gives everyone a side angle of her vagina and Jionni is pissed that she didn’t show the cameras her good side. He tells her that she’s dancing like a whore, showing everyone her vagina and upstaging his brand new Armani keychain. He ends up storming off and that leads to the inevitable chase scene with Jenni chanting her favorite word of the season.

“Stop, Jionni. Stop. Stop giving me relevance for the next 5 minutes of this episode!!”

She also peppers it with the new saying “you heard me, you heard me.” I guess she figures if incessantly yelling “stop” won’t work, attempting to hyptonize Jionni into hearing her will do just fine.

“Nicole, stop! Stop! Stop making this show a ratings juggernaut with your antics! Stop telling me that I look like Monroe from “One Day at a Time” with a wig on! Stop telling me that my dress looks like it was stolen from Kelly Bundy! Just stop!”

“You stole my “Best of Louis Armstrong” CD bitch!”

JWoww: “I’m sorry about that! Let’s sing that sad song in 2 part harmony! Will that make you feel better idiot?!”
Snooki: “Yes!”
Snooki and JWoww: “I see trees of green. Red roses too!! I see em bloom, for me and you!!! And I think to myself…something something something!”

Meanwhile, Ronnie is chasing Jionni “…blocks after blocks after blocks.” Ronnie knows his blocks; he didn’t graduate number 73nd in kin-dee-garden for nuthin’. Jionni explains to him that he was okay until Snooki lifted her dress up to her chest. Was that all? Who hasn’t gotten a little hot at the club and sought a little ventilation? Jersey sluts, that’s who…hasn’t not lifted them! You know what I’m trying to say. Ronnie says in the confessional that Jionni can only expect so much since he picked her up in Seaside. It’s also worth noting that he picked her up although she banged his friend and a cousin too. Sam and Deena take a hysterical Snooki home. Once they get there, Pauly doesn’t care, Vinny comforts her, JWoww runs around Florence telling random people to stop and Jionni has found a great place to sit and fantasize.

A man can dream can’t he?

JWoww finally goes back to the house when she can not find Jionni and she and Sam feel that it’s Snooki’s fault. The boys feel that Jionni needs to get over it because he should have known what he was getting into. I know Nicole is drunk but she is way too into this guy for my liking. She’s in a panic when its clear that he doesn’t like her for who she is. Relationships can make people better but if it’s this difficult, it really isn’t worth it. Unless he’s rich and near death.

The guys start grilling food and get ready for the Jiooki fireworks. When Jionni finally does get to the house, he runs up the steps past Nicole like a little bitch. He runs into the bathroom to presumably pluck his eyebrows and put on his fight cuff links when Snooki runs after him. She says that she loves him but then calls him some bleeped out stuff and then she says she hates him but she lives for him. The point is, he’s dating a drunken modern day millionaire bronzed 2011 version of Rhea Perlman and he needs to accept it or move on from it. Jionni says that he doesn’t need a girl who will lift her dress up and then tries to get Nicole to admit that she did it. We all know that Snooki can’t lie. She usually runs away or finds ways to divert attention from whatever she did like a dog who poops in the corner but puts on a visor and starts playing poker when you come back into the room. Instead of truly denying that she did, she just keeps saying “no” over and over like a broken Destiny’s Child record. Remember records? They were like CDs. Remember CDs? To Snooki’s protest, Jionni says “you’re single.” I love the fact that the editors were kind enough to include a subtitle of him also saying “ga’head.” Jionni closes the bathroom door and finishes grooming to the sound of “Independent Women Pt. II.” If you listen closely, you can hear him throw his hands up at me.

Jennie, the queen of relationship etiquette, says that she feels bad for Jionni. She’s really become the hole of an ass this season. Maybe this is her time to grow up, but I feel like she’s one comment away from being Dr. Laura. You can tell Roger whipped Jenni’s ass into shape literally and figuratively. Now she thinks she’s some kind of 1950s reality star that dresses only mildly slutty and is anti-kooka breathing. Wasn’t she the same one in chaps and peanut butter last season when Roger visited? How much you wanna bet that they didn’t even have sex when they went upstairs that night? He probably lectured her about showing off her body and then made her stand in the corner while he watched wrestling. I smell a recasting. And Mike’s sheets. Someone, please do something about both of those things. Also, I see Jionni’s point in this whole thing but it’s not that serious. It wasn’t cool but was it worth leaving the club, starting a musical street chase and breaking up with Snooki? No. It’s like that old saying, if you sleep with dogs, you wake up euthanized.

Nicole gets into her bed, the place where all simultaneously good and bad things happen on this show, and Jionni starts packing his stuff. The roommates half heartedly try to stop him by saying “Hey, you really leavin? Can you take out the trash on the way out?” but he leaves the house sans shoes. He has shoes but is courteous enough to carry them instead of wearing them. I think it’s an old wives tale like never walking under a ladder or crossing a black cat or never wearing shoes out of a house because then you won’t be able to become a recurring character. At this point, even Jenni feels that Jionni is overreacting by leaving the house. Where is he even going at this time of night? I don’t know if he realizes this but the club doesn’t double as a d-bag shelter (past 4AM). Maybe he’ll walk down the street and sleep at The Vatican. Perhaps he can explain to the priest that the whore who cursed him out last week has now done the same to him and he is in need of some tender loving prayer. Eh, I really don’t care what he does or whether or not he comes back because this is called manpulation 101. Jionni is being obnoxious and emotionally abusive becasue he wants to either: control Snooki , protect this image, assert his manhood although we all see him switching his Joe Gorga-like ass around in those tight ass jeans or all of the abovely aforementioned.

My advice, screw him and move on…although we know that she will not.Whatever he’s doing, I’m glad he’s doing it because next week, Snooki gets her mojo back! She ends up in bed with Vinny and Mike confesses his love for her. Confession: I actually had a cush on Vinny before Pauly because I thought he was sweet and the most likely to get with a hot, black chick. Then he turned into a jerk and started flushing wife beaters down the toilet and I lost interest in him faster than I did Tiger Woods when I found out he was Camblishajan or whatever that was. Do we care where Jionni is? Did Ronnie ever pass kindergarten? Why does JWoww exist? And why aren’t Ron and Sam ever together anymore? I’m not complaining at all I’m just genuinely curious. I really think there’s a clause in their contract that they can only show one act of domestic violence per season. If not, the editors are having one heck of a time cutting out all of their fights and black eyes to be fair and show off the dysfunctionality of the whole group. See ya next week! Same time, different sexual partners. For them, not me. I’m lonely.