***Aw, NinjaStarr’s first Xmas recap!!!
Last year, ABC Family brought us “The Dog Who Saved Christmas.” This year they cleverly added “Vacation” to the title and a sequel was born. Somehow Mr. Flexin’ My Pecs, Mario Lopez, got a lead role in both films. He’s the type of dude who probably masturbates with his Johnson in one hand and an autographed pic of himself in the other.
I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexxxxxxy.
Unfortunately, that scenario would’ve been more entertaining than what I dedicated two long hours of my possibly short life to—Mario as the voice of ex-police dog Zeus in hot pursuit of some bling, a little tail and two bad guys. I sure hope Zeus has had his shots because his bitch-to-be is known for doing it doggy-style on-camera. No, Zeus’ poodle co-star Bella looks like she has more class than that. I’m referring to Bella’s human equivalent—Paris Hilton. It’s her first voice-over role ever. Reportedly, Paris misread her contract. She thought she was being paid to snort lines not speak them.
This holiday flick from the bowels of hell begins with ex-convicts Ted (played by Dean Cain) and Stewey fixing their broken down van, the kind that Chester the Molester prefers. Although the two have just finished doing a one-year prison bid they’re headed to the Keystone Resort in Colorado to steal an expensive diamond necklace from teen superstar London James. What has the world come to when Dean has gone from playing Superman to poor white convict trash? If Dean didn’t look like he reeked of armpits and mildew throughout this film, he could’ve still been sexy like he was back in the 90s.
Have I ever told you that I used to be a real star with my own TV show? Prime-time baby!
London, her pooch and her $250,000 necklace have already arrived at Keystone. If she rented her jewelry like the other celebutards maybe she could’ve afforded to go skiing in Vail instead. Unaware that they are obviously “B” listers, her snooty Chihuahua calls Zeus a fat, mangy mutt when he arrives with his family the Bannisters—George, Belinda, Brat 1 and Brat 2. A chase ensues and Zeus destroys a holiday display in the middle of the resort. In between barks I think I hear him whisper “I’ll run your ass back to Taco Bell, bitch.”
Did they forget I’m not fixed? I’m freezing my balls off up here. Broke bastards didn’t even buy me a coat.
Now Zeus is on the hotel clerk’s shit list. And although the family is there celebrating Christmas, not Hanukkah, Zeus breaks out his best Yiddish. “Oy vey,” he cries in response to the clerk’s condescending tone and barrage of insults. But Zeus doesn’t allow the nasty confrontation to put a damper on his dream vacation. He’s looking forward to “toilet bowls filled with fresh golden mountain water.” I guess the remnants of shit and piss means nothing to a creature that uses his tongue as toilet paper.