K-9 Gets the Bad Guys, Girl and Her Goodies

The Bannisters enter their condo, hear clamoring and suspect a burglar. But it’s just Belinda’s brother Randy and his son Zack. Randy, played by the chiseled-jaw Casper Van Dien, offers a half-ass reason as to why he’s there without his wife and daughters during the holidays. Belinda may be a brunette with the brain of a blonde, but George and the entire viewing audience (me and a few immature eight-year-olds) know better. Randy’s way past 5 o’clock shadow is screaming “I’m homeless, dammit.”

In sashays Randy and Zack’s white, fluffy poodle Bella. (Rumor has it Paris tried to shove Bella in her purse in hopes of snorting her later.) Zeus is hit with a few insults from Bella. But he wants her so he lets her harsh words roll off his back. But then he tries to impress her with a few bad jokes. Poor Zeus has been getting persecuted every since he stepped a paw onto this resort. No wonder he’s speaking Yiddish.

Brat-sitting  this little cock blocker, again!

At the front desk claiming to be newlyweds and dressed in clothes stolen from a couple at the resort, Ted and Stewey get their hands on information regarding London’s whereabouts. Stewey has shoved his double D moobies (man boobs), upper gut and d*ck flap into a dress. But still sounds (and looks) like a lighter version of Barry White. Surprisingly, the clerk makes a reference to Ted and Stewey being a Prop 8 couple. When did the ABC Family channel get all progressive? What’s next? Will they start airing reruns of the Logo channel’s “The A List”?

Ted and Stewey check into their one and a half-star motel. Not only do Dumber and Dumberer have to share a bed, but they have to jog down the hall to the bathroom just to pee. I bet they have a new appreciation for prison bedside toilets now. Despite the fact they’re getting ready to commit another crime, Stewey’s mind isn’t on jail. He’s fantasizing about taking the cash from this jewel heist to live out his dreams—slicing bologna on the beach in a butcher shop. I guess his big ass isn’t worried about getting harpooned.

Back at the condo, Randy invites George to go tubing with him and Zack, but George is more excited about having his very first facial. His son Ben is not and chooses to go with Randy and Zack. George is visibly disappointed that his son doesn’t share his enthusiasm for spa-ing. Ben is equally disappointed that his father, who definitely shops in the husky boys section, doesn’t share his enthusiasm for activities other than doing arm curls with sides of beef and donuts.

Zeus has finally impressed Bella with his ex-hero status. She thinks “courage is a turn-on.”  But this hussy is obviously in-heat because as soon as Trooper the avalanche dog takes an interest in her, Zeus gets pissed on like a fire hydrant. It’s a classic case of girl meets unemployed boy, and then girl give it up to another boy with a job.

I don’t have a Napolean complex. I like my bitches big and mean.