K-9 Gets the Bad Guys, Girl and Her Goodies

Peering at the children from behind the trees like a couple of pedophiles, Ted and Stewey talk about visiting the butcher. Back from town and dangling steaks to lure Bella and Zeus into their evil clutches, Ted and Stewey attract a dangerous looking pack of raspy-voiced, wolf-like dogs instead. Why not just sic them on the Bella and pry the necklace off her half eaten carcass?

George takes the Bannister family plus Bella to pick out a tree in the middle of the woods. After George’s wild ax wielding fails to produce a decent-sized Christmas tree he finds Charlie Brown’s. Randy shows up at the cabin with a tree twice the size of George’s. Now George is boasting that it will take him half the time to decorate. George even has enough time leftover to steal a bulb and sabotage Randy’s tree lighting. After pointing out George’s need to compete with him, Randy challenges the Bannisters to a snowball fight at high noon and calls a war room meeting with Zack and Bella. How many testosterone shots has Randy had today?

Out on the mountain, George arrives for battle and is instantly ambushed. While watching the fight from a distance, Stewey admits that he’s jealous of Ted’s ensemble and bets he would be “more aerodynamic in a ski suit.” So would a blimp in a stealth bomber but that ain’t happening either. Spotted by security, Ted and Stewey are forced to run again. Somehow, Stewey hasn’t lost one pound on this caper.

Bella is wearing the necklace Zeus gave her, but chatting it up with Trooper. She tells him that Zeus is her good friend. Bored I began to put together the soundtrack to this movie in my head. This is the part where Zeus runs away and I imagine him lip syncing to Biz Markie’s song “Just a friend” while that heartbreaking bitch begs “wait.” He”ll be back. Zeus prefers his humiliations in spurts, not all once.

After having smacked his wife in the head with an ice ball during the snowball fight, which Randy suddenly declares was just for fun, George says he’s too tired to rub Belinda’s feet. Yet, he’s willing to comfort a lovesick Zeus. Does he help Zeus lick himself too?

Belinda’s mom calls and accidently reveals that something is going on with Randy, that he has nowhere else to go but the condo.  Belinda questions him, but Randy remains tight-lipped. George tries to convince Randy to call Dottie and then determines that Randy’s telling a “good ole Christmas fib.” At this point, I’m questioning who’s the bigger bitch in this movie, Bella or George?

The mindless plots keep coming. Now Ted and Stewey are going to swipe the keys to the condo, sneak in and steal the necklace right off of Bella’s neck. While Stewey pauses to gawk and smile at the holiday cheer he was obviously deprived of as a child, he is spotted by Zeus. He barks. Ted grabs Bella. Ted and Stewey make a run for it. The Bannisters’ daughter Kara determines from Zeus’ bark that he needs the family’s help. Really? George and Cesar from the Dog Whisperer might want a DNA test for little Kara. Everyone knows Momma’s baby, Poppa’s maybe. I wish the thieves would’ve snatched Kara. I’m sick of her cutesy names for everything—Zeusie, Zackie, annoying-ie.

See, I’ve been held against my will before.