PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…
Khlo-ho (Khloe), Fry Girl (Kourtney) and Mason returned home to Kardashian headquarters in L.A. Things were still tenuous with Scott, but Fry Girl and Scott were attempting to work through their problems with therapy.
Goth Ronald (Kris) and Bruce “renewed” their vows, and Krimace (Kim) moved into a palatial mansion.
Goth Ronald got the brilliant idea to have Krimace host a house-warming party. OCD Krimace wasn’t pleased and during the party a pristine white cushion was defiled with red wine. The Goth didn’t care because she was too busy playing Cougar Beer Pong so Bruce offered some Mike Brady words of wisdom to Krimace. Needless to say Krimace listened to Bruce and promptly smashed a cupcake in Goth Ronald’s face.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Goth Ronald asks Lamar if she can get him something to drink. Lamar replies “Aqua Hydrate”.
Goth Ronald – “One Aqua Hydrate coming up.”
Goth Ronald then asks if Lamar would like some ice. Khlo-ho says Lamar doesn’t like ice. Bruce is like WTF!?!?
Bruce – “You never get me ice.”
Goth Ronald asks Lamar if he would like his water in a glass.
Bruce – “A glass? Oh hellz no. Look at me! I need water, Goth Ronald! I’m so dehydrated I’m shrinking. This shirt looks huge on me. It’s like I’m the fourth chipmunk. All I need is a giant B for Bruce.”
Bruce stomps into the kitchen and says he never gets this kind of treatment at the house.
Bruce – “I’m stuck drinking fucking prune juice again. I’ll be crapping my g-string the entire time I’m flying my helicopters this afternoon.”
Khlo-ho tells us Goth Ronald is obsessed with Lamar. And here comes our first stripe pic of the episode. Bottoms up!
Khlo-ho – “Goth Ronald, you picked Bruce and his Yankee Candle Melted Face. You’re stuck with him. Leave me and Lamar alone.” Bruce (in the background)- “Khlo-ho, stop perpetuating that exploding candle rumor!!!!”
Hmm Goth Ronald must be up to something. She’s never nice without an ulterior motive. Ahh here it comes. Goth Ronald asks “Sooo do you ever get any extra tickets for play-off games?”
Goth Ronald – “You better give me those tickets if you want the antidote to that poison I put in your glass.”
Lamar – “Oh shit.”
Goth Ronald is like well do they give extra tickets to players with large families?
Khlo-ho says, “Let me make this clear. We get four tickets. I get one and that means I have three to give away.”
Khl0-ho – “Can you guess what this episode will be about?” ‘wink’
Goth Ronald continues her sweet act and asks Lamar if he would like some dessert.
Lamar – “Bitch, you just poisoned me. Why would…I…Are my hands shrinking? Am I going through a tunnel? Hey, you guys sound far away…”
Goth Ronald asks “How about a brownie?”
Goth Ronald – “And in my brownie you can slip the golden Lakers ticket, and I’ll pretend to be like that Charlie Bucket bitch and act surprised. Ooo look I got the golden ticket. How’d that get there? Wee.”
Lamar says he’d love a brownie WITH THE ANTIDOTE!
Khlo-ho starts cheering “Let’s go Lakers. Let’s go.” All of the Kardashian women clap in unison like a cult.
We are family!
Cue opening credits.
AT ON AIR WITH RYAN SEACREST…
Krimace, Khlo-ho and Fry Girl stop by ‘Mayor McCheese’ Ryan Seacrest’s radio show.
Seacrest tells the girls they look better than ever.
Ryan Seacrest’s inner monologue – “Yes, sit down my little E! cash cows.”
The girls reply thanks.
Ryan Seacrest – “I am surprised though. Where are your stripes?” Fry Girl – “Mason puked all over mine this morning.” Khlo-ho – “Mason shit all over mine this morning.” Krimace – “Really? Mason threw Gerber Hawaiian Delight all over mine.”
Krimace tells us that today she, Khlo-ho and Fry Girl are on the Ryan Seacrest Show. They have a lot to catch-up on like Krimace is single and still rocking Snuffleafagus shoulder pads from last episode.
Krimace – “I love my Snuffleafagus shoulder pads. They’re velcro, see? I can detach them and have Snuffleafagus boobs.”
Seacrest tells Khlo-ho to fast forward a year from now. He wants to know what’s happening in her life.
Khlo-ho says in a year from now she’ll be pregnant.
Khlo-ho – “And a hormonal bitch who eats hamburgers everyday and kicks the asses of Dick Clark wannabes.”
Seacrest types into Blackberry – “Remember to stay away from pregnant Khlo-ho.”
Seacrest moves onto Fry Girl. Fry Girl says she’ll probably have a second baby. Everybody in the studio is like WTF?!?!? Fry Girl says she just wants Mason to have a sibling.
Khlo-ho – “You realize Mason is Scott’s son, right? Mason will kick you in your fallopian tubes to make sure this never happens.” Fry Girl – “Mase-y doesn’t know what fallopian tubes are.”
Fry Girl says her and Krimace are only 18 months apart.
Khlo-ho exclaims “OMG we have to sew up her vagina.”
Seacrest – “Haha…I…. like…. vaginas.”
Fry Girl is like no guys seriously, you like need a little friend.
Mason who is listening at home texts Seacrest.
Seacrest – “Mason just texted me. He knows what fallopian tubes are. He says they’re connected to that moose looking thing, and he will kick them and roshambo you if you even think about having another child.”
Now it is Krimace’s turn. Seacrest wants to know where she’ll be a year from now. He points out that Krimace is the only single one now.
Seacrest – “Even I have Julianne Hough. Haha. Loser.”
Seacrest wants to know if Krimace is dating anyone now. Krimace says no unless her mansion counts. Seacrest is like really? No one asks you out?
Krimace – “Do lamp shades begging to be dusted and floors mopped on a Saturday night count as a date?”
Khlo-ho is like oh please literally every guy asks her out.
Seacrest is like ooohhh any NBA players?
Krimace replies they’re too tall for her.
Khlo-ho is like yeah Krimace’s list of requirements is almost impossible.
Seacrest – “Hmm it’s just like Hilary Duff in ‘Beauty and the Briefcase.”
Khlo-ho is like yeah they’re only two people that fit on that list in the whole world: ‘For the Love of Ray J’ and Reggie.
Seacrest says Krimace makes that list impossible on purpose.
Krimace – “Not many guys know the ‘open sesame’ for this ass.”
Seacrest – “Hmm I sense a new E! show here. “Krack the Kode to Krimace’s Kooch.”
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Khlo-ho is telling Fry Girl about Goth Ronald’s obsession with the Lakers tickets. Khlo-ho compares it to dealing crack cocaine. She tells Fry Girl it’s like they’ve had a hit and need to keep high.
Fry Girl – “Sorta like me and my stripes?”
Fry Girl tells Khlo-ho “I feel like you never invite me to the games.” Uh oh.
Khlo-ho replies “I never invite anyone. It’s first come first serve.”
Mason – “You heard Khlo-ho. Let go of me. First come, first serve.”
Krimace walks in. She announces she brought food. Khlo-ho cooes “It’s like Santa Claus.”
Mason – “Did Santa Claus bring Mason a Happy Meal and a copy of USWeekly?”
Krimace tells Fry Girl, Khlo-ho and Mason that she has the best night out planned for them after dinner.
Khlo-ho – “Watching slideshows of you and Justin Bieber frolicking on the beach? Barf.”
Krimace replies, “No, we’re gonna watch “Clueless.””
Mason – “As if.”
Krimace says “We’re gonna have old school fun times.” Khlo-ho says “But I have a date tonight with Lamar.”
Krimace – “But I need you here. You know when we watch Clueless I’m Cher, Fry Girl is Dionne and you’re Tai.”
Khlo-ho – “Why do I always have to be Tai?”
Krimace – “Do you want me to be honest?” Mason – “You look like a man and so did Brittany Murphy pre-makeover. RIP.”
Fry Girl tells Krimace that Scott is going to come over and hang out with her and Mason, but if Krimace wants to have “date night” with Mason she can.
Mason – “Are you fucking serious??? Passing me off to her? Scott already promised to show me how to use Biore Pore Strips, and we were going to get out the telescope and spy on the cougar next door while the strips dry.”
Krimace asks Mason if he wants to have date night with her? At this point, looks like Mason has no choice. Krimace picks Mason up.
Mason – “I saw this on Hocus Pocus. Look, I’m sucking the life out of you. ‘cough’ ‘cough’ There’s not much life in you. Aren’t you pushing 30??”
Fry Girl tells us Krimace needs to get back out there and start dating. She doesn’t think staying home on a Friday night with Mason is much of a future there.
Mason – “I’ll be back for the rest of your soul later, Krimace.”
Krimace is like “Honestly you guys are going to leave me alone?” Khlo-ho responds “Don’t be so needy. You really need to start dating. You’re going to be like the old woman who lived in the shoe with nothing to do.”
Khlo-ho – “And those shoes were Payless Dr. Scholls arch support.”
Krimace – “Nooooooo!!!”
Krimace says she misses having someone to talk to and go to dinner with. Khlo-ho responds “You’re never going to be able to do those things if you don’t get out there and date.”
Khlo-ho announces it’s time for her big date with ‘Lamb-Lamb’ LOLZ and leaves Krimace to her “date” with Mason.
THE NEXT DAY AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE….
Goth Ronald stops by.
Goth Ronald - “Krimace, are you okay? I heard Mason covered your entire face in Biore Pore Strips last night.”
Krimace responds “Hey, mom, I’m in here.”
Krimace – “We’re trying to cover up the damage as we speak.”
Goth Ronald tells Krimace she wants to talk to her about something.
Krimace tells the Goth that her eyes are a little too smoky for day. The Goth snaps she’s going through a phase.
Goth Ronald – “I’m being emo and shopping at Hot Topic. Deal with it.”
Krimace replies “Sure.”
Krimace – “I bet the kids think you’re the Bride of Chucky.”
Goth Ronald adds she is also going through the phase of trying to find Krimace a boyfriend. The Goth asks “How about Gerard Butler?”
Krimace replies “How about BARF!” Krimace tells us Goth Ronald has made it her mission to find Krimace a boyfriend.
Krimace – “And me and Snuffleafagus shoulder pads aren’t down with that.” Snuffleafagus Shoulder Pads – “Help me.”
Goth Ronald says “Luke Wilson is pretty cute.” Krimace replies “Absolutely not.”
Krimace asks “What about Alex Rodriguez?”
Goth Ronald – “I heard he has a portrait of himself as a centaur. He must be well hung, right?”
Krimace – “He dated Kate Hudson. NEXT!!!”
Goth Ronald tells us she wouldn’t be a good manager or mom if she didn’t know who was single out there and would be a good match for Krimace.
Goth Ronald – “I’m considering becoming a professional matchmaker.” Bruce – “No! You thought Star Jones and Al were a good couple. Al was clearly gay!” Goth Ronald – “No Bruce, Star Jones turned Al gay. There’s a difference.”
Goth Ronald asks “What about Ryan Phillippe?” Krimace snaps “I don’t want to date anyone in the industry.”
Krimace says “She’s over it. She just wants to date a normal person, and find a nice Armenian guy like her dad.”
Goth Ronald’s eyes light up. She says “Don’t worry Krimace. I’m all over it.”
Krimace adds, “And make sure they’re not too hairy though. Laser hair removal is a necessity.”
Goth Ronald – “Fucking-A Krimace, you wear Snuffleafagus fur on your shoulders. Don’t bitch about an Armenian ‘sweater’.”
Krimace goes “It’s a must!”
Krimace – “And don’t insult my Snuffleafagus shoulder swag. They were a gift from Bieber.”
AT LASER AWAY…
LOLZ nice segue E!
Khlo-ho drops in. Krimace is already there. She tells us Khlo-ho is getting her first laser hair removal.
Khlo-ho – “Sorry for my appearance. I’m coming straight from date night with ‘LambLamb’.”
Krimace gets laser tagged first. Khlo-ho and her discuss the Lakers tickets debacle. Then Khlo-ho brings up Goth Ronald’s mission to get Krimace a date.
Laser – “Beep. Beep. Beep. Beepbeepbeepbeep. Initiating ‘DEAD LEG’ in 5, 4, 3, 2, …”
The doctor asks Krimace “What are you looking for?”
Krimace – “Someone that has a 6-pack, can’t be balding, will watch ‘Murder She Wrote’ with me…”
Khlo-ho sighs and says Krimace’s list is ridiculous. It’s very appearance driven.
Now it’s Khlo-ho’s turn. Krimace starts laughing and tells Khlo-ho that she has a better looking vagina than she thought.
Khlo-ho is like WTF?? Then Khlo-ho asks Krimace if she would like to look at her ass too.
Sound of a toilet flushing.
Bruce announces that the toilet seat is busted.
Bruce – “Damn kids and their swirlies. Nah. It was probably someone’s fat ass.”
Khlo-ho is out front sniffing Krimace’s perfume. One of the clerks mentions it sells really well as Khl0-ho accidentally shoves it up her nose.
Khlo-ho – “Fuck! It smells like Krimace’s ass up my nose.”
Bruce continues tinkering in the bathroom as Khl0-ho tells us he is their unofficial handyman for DASH.
Bruce – “What are you bitches eating that requires three plungers?” Khl0-ho – “Chipotle.”
Khlo-ho alludes to the fact that Bruce loves being needed. She’ll call him up and before she can hang up the phone Bruce is there. Hmm I don’t think that’s the case Khlo-ho.
Bruce sits down and says “Let’s get down to business.”
Bruce – “I unclogged your toilet. Give me a Lakers ticket.”
Khlo-ho – “Fine. I’ll go clog it again.”
Bruce whines that Kendall and Kylie really want to go. Khl0-ho is like really. Bruce stutters and says well if one of the girls can’t go then he’ll go in her place.
Just then Goth Ronald walks in carrying a box.
Goth Ronald – “I bring a sacrifice for Lakers tickets.”
Goth Ronald says “Hi Khlo-ho. Bruce, what are you doing here?”
Bruce – “Same thing as you, Insane Klown Posse. The Lakers tickets are MINE!”
Goth Ronald tells us she doesn’t like competition. She tells him go back to the decathlon. She can handle this one.
Khlo-ho looks at the box and asks “Whose birthday is it?”
Goth Ronald “innocently” says “No one’s. I was just shopping and picked up something that Khlo-ho would really like.”
Khlo-ho opens the box. It’s a giant purse. She screams “This is stunning.”
Goth Ronald replies “I know.”
Goth Ronald – “And that’s how I beat Shaq. Suck on that Aaron Carter. Now give me those Lakers tickets!”
Khlo-ho is drooling over her new summer bag.
Khl0-ho -”I love you.”
Bruce – “You realize that bag looks like a giant sparkly prophalytic. Sheesh. Women.”
Bruce narrows his eyes at Goth Ronald and accuses her of just wanting Lakers tickets. Goth Ronald shrugs and says if Khlo-ho loves her enough to give her a Lakers ticket so be it. If not, enjoy the bag.
Bruce gets up and walks over to the chandelier and points out that it needs to be dusted.
Bruce – “I can be your Merry Maid…for a price.”
Goth Ronald sneers and says “Maybe you can do that before the next game.”
Khlo-lo looks at Bruce and Goth Ronald and accuses them of being shady people.
AT PLATINUM MOTORSPORT…
Goth Ronald arrives. She is looking for George and Jack. Goth Ronald pretends that she needs a new sound system for her car, but really she is hoping George and Jack (both Armenian) will help her find a boyfriend for Krimace.
I have to pause here and point out Goth Ronald’s skull scarf. LOLZ.
Goth Ronald – The kids at Hot Topic told me it was “in”.”
George and Jack tell Goth Ronald it isn’t easy to match someone up with Krimace. Code for Krimace is HIGH MAINTENANCE!!
Goth Ronald isn’t discouraged. She knows that there are a lot of Armenians in Glendale.
Goth Ronald – “GPS, find me an Armenian!” GPS – “2.5 miles to Saks.” Goth Ronald – “Damn it! Mason did you reset my GPS?” GPS – “1.5 miles to Hooters.” Goth Ronald – “MASON!!!!”
Fry Girl thinks she has spotted an Armenian.
Mason – “It could just be George Hamilton. He’s really tan.”
Goth Ronald pulls up to Baklava Factory.
Red Light On = Fresh buffet of international men.
Goth Ronald asks if a lot of single men come into the store. The owner says yes along with families. Goth Ronald is like no we’re not polygamists. Good day.
Goth Ronald hits the streets of little Armenia and interrogates a girl who knows very little English.
Fry Girl gets in on the action at Artesia. She asks if there are any eligible Armenian men for Krimace.
Back out on the street a random woman asks to give Goth Ronald a hug.
Mason – “Chewbacca hugging Goth Ronald. Now I’ve seen everything.”
Goth Ronald moves onto smoking.
Goth Ronald – “I’m so high.” Mason – “Don’t forget to bring a towel.”
The Goth moves onto Phoenicia, a restaurant.
She crashes a table and says she’s looking for a nice Armenian man for her daughter.
A guy whose face is blurred out tells Goth Ronald that he is a priest.
Priest – “So back off Tim Curry from Legend.”
Goth Ronald takes a break to remind Mason that this is the land of your people.
Mason – “Celibate monks in a cheesy chain restaurant. Pass. I’ll learn about Scott’s people.”
Fry Girl glares at Goth Ronald and says “This is not the land. This is Glendale.”
Goth Ronald sighs and says “I think we’re striking out here.”
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Khlo-ho tells Rob to knock off his “sex scene” over there. The way he is posing it’s like he’s in a porn video.
Rob – “I am so fucking uncomfortable right now. LAMAR!!! Help!!!”
Khlo-ho’s phone rings. It is Kylie harassing her from school. LOLZ.
Khlo-ho doesn’t answer. She then says how she appreciates that Rob never asks for tickets. Ummm… Rob asks if he can bring a female friend that he has been dating to the game.
Khlo-ho laughs and says yeah you and your imaginary friend can come.
Rob – “Imaginary? I never stole a page out of Jan Brady’s book and pretended to have a boyfriend named George Glass. Except you didn’t pick a normal name. You said his name was H. Preparation. As in Preparation H.”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Goth Ronald commands Kendall to come into the kitchen and bond with her. NOW!!! Goth Ronald adds “Pretend like you like me.”
Kendall – “There. I just sent you a text message saying I like you.”
Fortunately for Kendall, Goth Ronald is quickly distracted by the arrival of Krimace.
Krimace tells Goth Ronald that her car is in the shop again. Goth Ronald slyly throws in “Btw Krimace, I’m getting the iPod system done in my car and the guys say they know some really nice Armenian guys.”
Krimace says she doesn’t do blind dates. She wants details. Goth Ronald says he’s Armenian.
Kendall lays on a thick accent and asks “Is he a hairy beast?”
Goth Ronald doesn’t look amused.
Goth Ronald – “Bonding time is over. Get out before I pour Rogaine on you and make you a hairy beast Kendall!!”
Krimace starts laughing and puts pieces of her weave under her armpits to illustrate a hairy beast.
Goth Ronald tells Krimace she has to go on this date. She already talked to the guy and got his number. Krimace refuses and walks away.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Goth Ronald stops by and stocks their kitchen with goodies. She knows that the way to Lamar’s heart is through his stomach. The perfect plan to acquire those Lakers tickets.
Goth Ronald tells Khlo-ho that she brought her favorite brownies. Khl0-ho walks in and asks if she can have the recipe. Goth Ronald asks if she would like it typed up.
Goth Ronald – “Cigars, cigarettes? World peace??”
Goth Ronald finally point blank asks for the Lakers tickets. Khl0-ho tells Goth Ronald she’s too late. The tickets are spoken for. Goth Ronald demands to know who. Khl0-ho says her, Malika, Rob and his date. Goth Ronald angrily says Rob shouldn’t be able to bring a date.
Rob – “Excuse me, homie da klown??”
Goth Ronald flips a bitch and says she outta here, and her brownies too.
Goth Ronald – “I’m taking these with me.”
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE….
Fry Girl fills Krimace in on the background of this blind date that Goth Ronald set up.
Krimace calls Alecko. He says he was born and raised at the Jersey Shore. Krimace asks if he knows Snookie. Alico laughs and says no.
Krimace tries to back out but Alecko picks Krimace’s favorite restaurant.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Khlo-ho is working out outside and using Mason as a weight.
Mason – “Work it. Need a glass of water. Just a little bit longer and the Lakers tickets will be mine.”
Kylie yells from the balcony “Khlo-ho, when are you giving me my Lakers ticket?”
Khl0-ho tells us she invited everyone over to the house to discuss Lakers tickets.
In the familyroom, she asks everyone who thinks they are going to the Lakers game tonight to raise their hand. Everyone raises their hands.
Mason – “Put those hands down. The Lakers tickets are mine!!!”
Khlo-ho says “Well newsflash everyone. None of you are going.”
Goth Ronald – “What!!!” Mason – “What!!!!”
Khlo-ho says “None of us are going to the game today. Not one of us.”
Goth Ronald – “You’ve got to be shitting me.” Mason – “Shitting bricks.”
Khl0-ho tells the gang they’re going to go upstairs instead and watch the game in the purple and gold Lakers room. Mason starts to wail.
Mason – “Goth Ronald, I dressed up for this. Look at my outfit. LOOK AT IT!!!”
Goth Ronald hands Mason off and rushes over and snatches a Lakers ticket and manically waves it in front of Khlo-ho’s face. Khl0-ho snatches it back and gives a Goonies-like speech about family being more important than tickets.
Bruce raises his hand and says he votes family, and they’ll miss all that traffic.
ON KRIMACE’S DATE…
Krimace meets Alecko who appears normal enough.
The Armenian Ross to Krimace’s Armenian Rachel.
Krimace thinks Alecko is a cool guy and she’s having more fun than she thought she would.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…
Khlo-ho asks who wants popcorn.
Bruce – “Me! Orville Redenbacher is my bitch!”
Goth Ronald asks for a glass of wine.
Mason – “Lakers tickets. My precious…”
Krimace arrives home. Everyone asks how her blind date went. Krimace says good but there won’t be a second one with Alecko. She thanks Goth Ronald for trying.
Krimace asks “Wait? Why are you watching the game at home?” Everyone “shouts don’t ask.”
Next week on “Keeping Up…” Khlo-ho misplaces her engagement ring, Bruce brings a motorcycle into the house inciting Goth Ronald’s rage and scaring Kylie into thinking the Goth and Bruce are headed for divorce.
See you guys next week!!!