PREVIOUSLY ON ‘KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS’ & ‘KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI’….
Season 4 of “Keeping Up….” ended with the birth of the most adorable Kardashian: Mason Dash Disick! Season 2 of “K&K Take Miami,” ended on a less adorable note with Fry Girl and Scott at an impasse and the gang headed back to the mothership in L.A.
For all of you who have been following the tabloids, E! News, etc. like I have, you already know that Fry Girl took Scott back…at least for now. Curious to see if we missed anything that the Kardashians saved for the camera only? I know I am.
Ready for a new season of “Keeping of With the Kardashians”?
Grab your bottle of QuickTrim, clip-in those extensions and grab a Big Mac and some fries to chow down on because we’re about to start this season’s first episode entitled, “Kim’s House Party.”
Do you think it will be like ‘House Party’ or will those Kardashians go all out and have a Pajama Jam ‘House Party 2′ style?
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Goth Ronald (Kris) is demanding help with dinner. Goth Ronald says she’s going to cook Kendall’s favorite pasta if nobody else has a vote.
Kendall interrupts “It’s not my favorite pasta anymore. You make it every single night Ma.”
Kendall – “And half the time it’s not even Pasta Roni, it’s Rice-A-Roni.”
Goth Ronald – “Sass me again Kendall, and I’ll have your ass on the next Rice-A-Roni trolley back to San Francisco. And maybe this time that George Clooney smug cloud will finally get you.”
Kylie – “Oh no! Not the George Clooney smug cloud!!!” ‘bottom lip quivers.’
Khlo-ho laughs and says “You actually do make the same food every night.”
Bruce comes in and starts to sit down.
Bruce – “Shit. I just walked into an argument. Should I sit? Damn it. It’s too late.”
Goth Ronald shuts down and yells “Nobody gets a vote. I’m tired of the bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.”
Goth Ronald – “And this bitch is gonna make some Easy Mac, and ya’ll can suck it.”
Back in the family room Bruce says “May I have your attention” and raises his hand like a third-grader.
Bruce – “Normally I would use the conch shell except it appears to have been misplaced again. Is this your subtle way of silencing me, people?”
Khlo-ho replies, “What?” And look, there’s Fry Girl and our first striped outfit of the episode.
Fry Girl (monotone) – “What else would I wear?”
I think at this point, striped Kardashian ensembles qualify as a drinking game. Caution drink at your own risk. Kardashian stripes are like VD. Once an outbreak occurs there’s no stopping it.
Bruce continues, “A few weeks ago…” Khlo-ho interrupts. “You won a gold medal?”
Mason – “Look no stripes! I’m a little cold, but I’m stripe free!!!”
Bruce snaps, “No! My wedding ring broke.” Everyone is like “Say what!?!?”
Mason – “Did you hold it too close to the flame like you did with your face?”
Bruce – “Mason, Grandpa’s face was not melted by an exploding Yankee candle. That is a vicious, vicious daycare rumor and you need to end it.”
Bruce continues “I have not been without my wedding ring for 29 and-a-half-years.”
Bruce got the ring back and thinks that now he and Goth Ronald should have a vow renewal ceremony.”
Bruce breaks the silence by asking Goth Ronald to come into the family room.
Goth Ronald yells “I just fucked up the cake so just hang on a minute, Romeo.”
Goth Ronald – “Nobody does it like Sara Lee, my ass.”
Fry Girl gets up and says “What an annoying woman” referring to Goth Ronald. Someone else pipes up “Are you sure you want to get remarried right now?”
Goth Ronald comes charging into the room saying “Okay let’s do this right now. I’ve got pasta cooking.”
Bruce tells Goth Ronald “Stand right here. You hold Mason. Mason is my best man.”
Mason – “But I’m not dressed for this. Quick grab the suit off of my Jermaine Dupri Build-A-Bear. Don’t laugh Krimace, Jermaine Dupri is cool. He bones Ms. Nasty Janet Jackson.”
Goth Ronald and Bruce get in position. Goth Ronald exclaims “Look, I’m wearing white.” Bruce makes a face and scoffs “Wearing white.”
Bruce – “Crap! My face is stuck. Goth Ronald, can you massage my facial muscles?”
Khlo-ho officiates. She tells them to love, blah blah blah and always have sex with each other. Naturally Kylie is grossed out.
Bruce attempts to lift Goth Ronald, but can’t. He yells “I don’t remember you being this heavy!!!”
Cue opening credits.
AT THE TABLE…
Mason is crying as Bruce tries to comfort him. Goth Ronald tells Bruce “You can’t help him. He wants a boob.”
Mason – “I hate this shirt. You’re making me ‘chokes’ wear L.L. Bean!!!!”
Goth Ronald attempts to amuse Mason by adopting a Jill Zarin accent.
“Howda do, Mason? Whaddya doing?”
Mason – “Escaping you before you can tax me, Shylock.”
Fry Girl says “One time her and Goth Ronald were fighting about Scott, and Goth Ronald said he talked like that.” Goth Ronald adds, “He talks like a gangsta.”
Khlo-ho is like Scott doesn’t talk like that. He has a high-pitched voice.
Meanwhile Bruce has placed Mason on his shoulders.
Mason – “Look, I’m controlling Bruce. He’s my Transformer!!” Mason mimicking Bruce’s voice – “My name is Bruce. I like helicopters. My face is melted from an exploding Yankee candle..”
Mason – “Whoa!! Okay, okay I’ll stop with the candle you melted Ken Doll oaf.”
Fry Girl brings us up to speed on her and Scott. She said since they left Miami they see each other every couple days. Flashback.
Mason in carrier – “Clinique counter today?” Scott – “You know it.” Fry Girl – “But…” Scott – “I promised Mason. He’s out of his foaming cleanser.” Mason – “Plus I got an eye on this Clinique girl. Told her I got connections with Justin Bieber.”
Fry Girl tells us she thinks it’s important for Scott to see Mason whenever he can. Flashback. Mason, Fry Girl and Scott at a table.
Scott to Mason – “So you see Bruce wanted to smell the Grass Scented Yankee candle to see if it really smelled like fresh cut grass and then BAM!! The candle exploded in his face thus melting the skin.” Mason- “Bwhahahahahahaa.”
Fry Girl says Scott has been making great steps toward bettering himself. Flashback.
Scott – “Work the blue steel. You can do it, Mason!!” Mason – “I’m doing it. Look BLUE STEEL!!!” Fry Girl – “Awww.”
Fry Girl tells us Scott has been sober since Miami. She’s also selling her condo right now and living with Khlo-ho and Lamar plus Rob. Flashback.
Scott – “Got to replenish the electrolytes. I just carried the box containing my facial cleansers. Almost broke a sweat.”
Fry Girl explains that staying with Khlo-ho provides many hands to help with Mason.
Back to reality…. Khlo-ho says she’s given Scott so many chances, but it’s always “I’m trying, I’m trying”. Khlo-ho is over it.
Khlo-ho tells us Scott messes up consistently. Flashblack of Scott breaking the mirror and shoving money in a waiter’s mouth.
Khlo-ho – “You may think I’m a little aggressive but spend a day in my stripes and then see what you have to say.”
Goth Ronald tells us “We’re supposed to accept who he is and…” Mason mumbles.
Goth Ronald – “Quiet you. There you’re ‘binkied.’ Try and talk now.” Mason’s inner monologue – “You bitch!”
Goth Ronald continues, “All of his outbursts and things that have happened…”
Goth Ronald – “I don’t think so. Binky stays in. It’s adult talk time.” Mason sighs.
Goth Ronald continues, “And it’s our turn to have a moment.” Khlo-ho snickers.
Mason’s inner monologue – “Quietly truffle shuffle out of Goth Ronald’s arms. It’s working.”
Goth Ronald wants to know why they’re supposed to put up with it and he gets to walk away.
Mason – “Wahhh!!! Bruce, stop trying to re-enact ‘The Creation of Adam’! You know it freaks me out.”
Bruce, taking on the role of Mike Brady, offers some words of wisdom. “In the big picture, when you are dating somebody it’s as good as the relationship will ever get.”
Bruce – “Believe me I know.” Mason – “So what you’re saying is I should dump that cookie hoarding tramp Chloe from daycare. Done.”
“Ever.” echoes Goth Ronald. “If you ever get married it’s only going to get more difficult because now you’ll have a contract,” adds Bruce.
AT KRIMACE’S NEW HOUSE…
Goth Ronald and Bruce stop by.
Goth Ronald – “This is so beautiful. This would be a perfect setting for Krimace and Reggie’s wedding. Bruce – “Give it up. They’re not getting back together.”
Quick camera montage of Krimace’s house.
Krimace yells for Goth Ronald and Bruce to come in. Goth Ronald gushes “Krimace this is absolutely gorgeous.”
“Thanks!” replies Krimace while she cleans. And so the OCD begins…
Krimace – “Call me Mrs. Clean. Underneath this wig is a chrome dome and a gypsy earring jonesing to bleach sinks and Lysol toilets.”
Krimace brings us up to speed since she left Miami. A lot has gone on in the past month.
Flashback of Reggie and Kim breaking up and tabloids reporting it.
But now she is over it and single and wearing a piece of Snuffleupagus on her shoulder.
Krimace – “It was a gift from Justin Bieber.”
Snuffleupagus – “Justin Bieber roofied me and stole that fur!!! Damn you Bieber!!!”
Montage of Krimace posing for fans, the paparazzi and her wax mannequin.
Krimace tells us since she’s not in a relationship she has been obsessed with her house.
Bruce yells “Hey the Mase man is here! What’s happening buddy?”
Mason – “You know me, Bruce. Keepin’ it real. And don’t call me Mase unless you want actual mace in your face.”
Fry Girl actuals emotes and says “This looks so amazing.”
Krimace says the house is kinda like her relationship. Montage of Krimace working on the house.
She tells us she is nurturing it and spending a lot of time there.
Khlo-ho comes in and yells “Mase-y, look what you left at home!!”
Mason – “Clearly, I left him at home for a reason. Geraldo Giraffe has vitiligo and shouldn’t be out in direct sunlight.”
Bruce yells “Look it’s Roberto!!!” as Rob walks in.
Khlo-ho, also in stripes, looks around and exclaims “This house is stunning!!!” Krimace replies “You guys need to get out of here.”
Mason – “But I’m in the middle of chewing on my teething ring. You can’t just stop in the middle or you get ‘blue gums.’Huh? No that’s blue balls, Geraldo Giraffe.”
Krimace says “This room is just to look at, not to sit in.”
Rob’s reaction says it all.
Krimace takes everyone outside and instructs them to stay on path, off the lawn.
Krimace – “The grass is hot lava. Step on it and you will die.” Mason – “Hot lava isn’t green, you colorblind wench.
Krimace starts freaking out that the girls are wearing heels on the grass. Bruce is like not to worry. It will aerate the lawn.
Back inside the house Krimace’s OCD cleanliness nagging gets worse. She starts yelling at Goth Ronald because the Goth is getting crumbs everywhere.
Goth Ronald- “But Krimace, these Handy Snack cracker sandwiches Khlo-ho made are to die for.”
Krimace frantically tries to clean-up after her family. Fry Girl goes so far as to purposely throw something onto the floor. As PeeWee Herman would say,
“I’m a rebel, Dottie.”
Then the family moves into the other room and Krimace yelps “Fingerprints, no fingerprints” as the Kardashians touch stuff.
Mason – “Krimace, I’m feeling up your mirror. FINGERPRINTS EVERYWHERE!!!”
Krimace rushes over and says “Seriously guys, paws off.”
Mason – “What she doesn’t know is I wrote on the wall in glow in the dark ink ‘Krimace’s ass looks like cottage cheese in a trashbag. Luv Paris.’ She’ll think Paris Hilton broke in and did it. And I’ll start a bet at school and make bank when Krimace kicks Paris’ ass.” ‘wink’
AT ERICA HERSEY JAFFE’S OFFICE…
Erica is Scott and Fry Girl’s L.A. therapist. They’ve been seeing her twice a week. Fry Girl still doesn’t know where their relationship stands.
Erica asks Scott how does he feel about a big family? Does it attract or repel him? Scott replies “Yeah, it’s not for me.”
Scott – “Could you imagine me in hand-me-downs. I don’t think so.”
Fry Girl tells the therapist Scott used to be close with Rob and Khlo-ho and now they despise each other. Fry Girl agrees that she has to live to separate lives: one with Scott and the other with her family.
Erica asks Scott what he wants. He says he wants to be treated like the man that everyone expects him to be.
Scott – “Don’t treat me like Jack. Treat me like Cal. I’m the one that’s got the Heart of the Ocean damn it!”
Erica explains that although what Scott is saying is good, people are still going to be cautious.
Fry Girl – “So what you’re saying is this could take a while.” Scott – “I miss my Hot Tub Time Machine.”
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
Goth Ronald, wearing another stripe ensemble, stops by and finds Krimace unpacking/organizing. Goth Ronald tells Krimace she realized something while driving over there.
She tells Krimace that all of their old houses are nearby. Krimace says she knows. That’s how she knew this house was meant to be.
Goth Ronald tells Krimace she needs to have a house warming party. Krimace is like eh no. People will come over and mess up her house.
Goth Ronald promises to make it easy for Krimace.
Goth Ronald – “I’ll do what normal moms do. I’ll make Rice Krispie Treats.”
She adds she’ll do all the planning. Krimace tells Goth Ronald to make sure it’s during normal hours. She doesn’t want to piss off the neighbors.
Goth Ronald snaps “It’s not Animal House, Krimace!”
Krimace finally breaks down and agrees.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S & FRY GIRL’S HOUSE…
Fry Girl is in the kitchen with Mason.
Mason – “Water temperature is pretty cold. Hand me that rubber band. We’ll wrap it around the spray hose and then we wait.”
The gate signal beeps. Fry Girl rushes over.
Mason – “Should my leg be bending like this?”
Khlo-ho comes around the corner. Fry Girl asks her how to open the gate. Khlo-ho asks who is here? Fry Girl replies Scott.
Khlo-ho stands her ground and tells Fry Girl she’ll buzz her out but Scott isn’t pulling into the driveway. Khlo-ho doesn’t want any negative energy around Lamar during his game season.
Fry Girl asks “What can Scott do in here other than helping me out the door?”
Mason – “Lots. He’s been meaning to upper deck Khlo-ho’s toilets.”
LATER THAT NIGHT AT KHLO-HO’S AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Rob asks what is Fry Girl doing. Fry Girl says she hates staying in this nasty house. She says Khlo-ho is being immature.
Rob tells Fry Girl he’s not taking sides. Scott pisses him off sometimes but Scott is Mason’s father.
AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…
It’s five hours until the house party, and Bruce has arrived.
Krimace tells use she asked Bruce to come over and help party proof her house before Goth Ronald arrives.
Krimace went so far as to purchase these to keep people off of the law.
Single file line. Have your ticket stubs ready for the screening of “One Night in Paris.” Obviously Krimace saw Mason’s wall note.
Montage of Bruce setting up.
Goth Ronald arrives. Krimace instructs the Goth to take her shoes off, and put them on the racks near the door.
Goth Ronald tells Bruce to take all of the ridiculous shoe racks and barriers outside. Goth Ronald says Krimace is turning into an old lady, and she should just put plastic on her couches.
Goth Ronald – “Then once your ass gets stuck to the plastic one too many times maybe you’ll realize how ridiculous you’re being, Krimace.”
Khlo-ho arrives. Meanwhile Krimace, Mason and Fry Girl are upstairs. Fry Girl tells Krimace she needs to get ready.
Mason – “The bathrobe stays with me. It’s so soft. You use Snuggle Fabric Softener, don’t you?”
Krimace says she’s totally fine. Her and Mason are just chilling.
Mason – “Yeah Fry Girl, stop cock blocking me and the bathrobe.”
Mason – “So where did you get your bathrobe? Do they come in baby sizes with matching slippers?”
Fry Girl’s phone rings. It’s Scott.
Mason – “Scott, get your ass over here. Goth Ronald brought Rice Krispie treats and you need to feel this bathrobe.”
It sounds like Fry Girl wants Scott to stop by afterwards at Khlo-ho and Lamar’s place so naturally Khlo-ho flips a bitch. She doesn’t want Scott in her house. Khlo-ho gets so mad that she gets up, tells Krimace she wanted to stop by before the house warming party and now she’s leaving.
Fry Girl says she’s 31 and doesn’t need to be living under rules. Khlo-ho says “Well, then bye-bye.” Guess Fry Girl needs to find a new place to crash.
KRIMACE’S HOUSE WARMING PARTY…
Guests arrive. People mingle and eat. Krimace follows close behind cleaning up after everyone. Goth Ronald dubs Krimace, Merry Maid Kim.
Out back some guys have pulled out a neon green beer funnel.
Dude 1: “Would you believe me if I told you this was Kermit the Frog’s catheter?” Dude 2: “No way.” Dude 1: “Way. See how it’s so green? That’s frog piss.”
All of Rob’s friends show up while he’s at a Lakers Game. Krimace is royally pissed. She tells Goth Ronald to kick them out. Goth Ronald goes outside to find that she’s been drafted for beer pong.
Goth Ronald – “Here’s how you play beer pong bitches!!!”
Meanwhile back inside Krimace discovers a huge red wine stain on her pillow. She heads upstairs to get out the damn spot.
Bruce sensing something is wrong follows Krimace upstairs to check on her. Bruce tells her to sit down so he can offer her some fatherly Mike Brady advance. Bruce tells us homes are to build memories in. Pillows can be replaced, memories can’t. Well said, Bruce. Although if I were Kim I would be pissed too.
Krimace goes downstairs and Goth Ronald tells her she’s so proud of her and…CUPCAKE TO THE FACE!!
A cupwake war breaks out and Goth Ronald yells
“You don’t want to mess with me bitch!!!”
As the fight dies down, Goth Ronald proclaims “Welcome to your new house, Krimace!!”
BACK AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Khlo-ho pulls up and goes inside to find Fry Girl packing. Fry Girl is going to Krimace’s.
Khlo-ho says if Fry Girl moving out will help with their relationship then it’s for the best.
The next day, Khlo-ho and Rob help Fry Girl load up the car. Outside of the car the three do some weird clapping dance. They tell Mason someday he will too.
Mason – “I don’t think so.”
Khlo-ho says it’s hard that Scott keeps putting a wedge between them.
NEXT TIME ON “KEEPING UP…”
The girls pay a visit to Ryan Seacrest’s studio where Seacrest calls Krimace out on being the only single one, Goth Ronald sets Krimace up on a blind date, and there’s a fight over Lakers tickets.
See you guys next week!!!