PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…
It was revealed that Goth Ronald (Kris) was a closet smoker and a hoarder. Kendall, Bruce and Fryl Girl (Kourtney) devised a plan to get the Goth to quit smoking by making it look like Kendall picked up the cigarette habit from dear old mom.
Mason managed to make it through the episode entirely stripe free while Krimace (Kim) fretted over the burgeoning lines on her face. In a panic, she sought out Botox with disastrous results.
AT A RANDOM HOUSE…
Mason, Fry Girl, Khlo-ho and Krimace check out a house that Fry Girl (Kourtney) is considering putting a bid on. Inside the house, Fry Girl gets a call from Goth Ronald who is out front.
Khlo-ho holding what appears to be Mason’s puke rag looks around and says “This is really nice.”
Mason – “Yeah it’s from the Baby Gap. I don’t mind if it gets ruined. Ugh my cuticles and feet look like shit. Scott booked us mani/pedis before heading to the sports bar later.”
Goth Ronald enters the house and cooes “Mase-y.”
Mason – “Whoa there Molly Ringwald. Taking scraps from other people’s clothes and making outfits again?”
Pretty in ???
Goth Ronald likes the house and it’s in a great neighborhood. Khlo-ho wants to know is this a house that both Scott and Fry Girl will be buying together.
Fry Girl says she is buying the house. She wants her own place. Khlo-ho asks if Fry Girl wants Scott to live with her.
Mason – “Of course Scott will live with us. He’ll be the coolest, best-dressed dad on the block.”
Fry Girl replies “Yes.”
Mason – “See, I told you. Now let’s go check out the closets. I want to mentally start organizing where my shoes will go and find the best spot for my Sophia Loren poster. Now that woman has a rack.”
Krimace and Goth Ronald look at each other warily.
Fry Girl tells us she has been talking to their therapist about Scott moving back in. Flashback. And Scott has been doing everything that she has asked of him. Another flashback.
Fry Girl – “Thanks for coming to the doctor’s office with me.” Scott – “Sure Doll, but you owe me and Mason.” Mason – “Yeah, while we wait we both want a lollipops and copies of GQ. If you give us Highlights Magazine Scott will write obscene things in it, and I will vomit all over that rag of a children’s magazine.”
Fry Girl and Scott both agree they want to make things work. Another flashback.
Scott – “You like that, Mason?” Mason – “Mmm you were right Scott, cheese fries are fucking good.” Fry Girl – “You told him they were fucking good? Scott, Mason doesn’t need to be saying fuck.” Mason – “But how else do you describe something this delicious?”
Khlo-ho asks Fry Girl if she will have it stated in a contract that Scott can’t take the house. Fry Girl replies how can he take it when she owns it. Fry Girl tells us things are still awkward between Scott and her family as she, Mason and the Goth step out onto the balcony.
Mason – “Come closer, Goth Ronald. Closer…” Goth Ronald – “What Mase-y?” Mason – “I want you to stand out in the sunlight so I can see if you sparkle.” Goth Ronald – “Jesus Christ, you let him watch Twilight didn’t you?” Mason – “I had to know what everyone was talking about in daycare. Did you know that Edward Cullen is a sexually repressed 108 yr old vampire? He must have HUGE blue balls.”
Back in the bedroom, Krimace and Khlo-ho are snooping through the homeowner’s drawers. Krimace screams as she finds a vibrator in the nightstand.
“What’s that Shaggy??” “I don’t know, Scoob. Wait it’s a…a….a….VIBRATOR!!!”
Goth Ronald’s voice gets closer. She tells Fry Girl “I like this tile so you’re lucky.” LOLZ What would happen if the Goth didn’t like the tile?
Khlo-ho – “Act casual.” Krimace – “No magic bullets in this room.”
The Goth adds “And you have a bidet.” Krimace and Khlo-ho slowly walk away from the dresser. Suddenly the drawer starts rattling. The vibrator is vibrating.
Khlo-ho – “Bwhahaha. What do we do?” Krimace – “Hahaha how did that happen?”
Khlo-ho runs back to the drawer as Goth Ronald yells “What are you doing?” Khlo-ho spins around, grabs Krimace’s hand and the two run for the door.
Mason – “Hope that drawer is lubed up.”
Fry Girl says “It’s a vibrator? Well, how did it turn on?” They tell her it came on when they shut the drawer. Fry Girl tells them to turn it off. No one wants to so Fry Girl walks over to the drawer.
Mason – “Camera man, are you getting this? Good.”
Fry Girl is unable to turn the vibrator off. Goth Ronald yells “Eww don’t touch it. Put it under her pillow.” She finally manages to turn it off and runs to go wash her hands.
Cue opening credits.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Krimace tells Bruce and Mason that Mason needs a brother or sister. Mason gurgles in protest.
Mason – “Gurgle, gurgle blehhhh I don’t think so.” Bruce – “Blehhh I don’t think so either.”
Bruce thinks that Fry Girl should have a puppy instead.
Mason – “Did you know the girl in Beethoven said she dreamt she got a puppy, and it came true? Hah! What a naive child.”
Bruce tells Mason and Fry Girl that male dogs always respond better to the leader of the pack…
Bruce – “And that’s meeeeeee!!!”
Mason – “Leader of the pack brrooom brrooomm. That’s a song by the Shangri-Las.”
Krimace tells Bruce “Well since you’re such the leader you can watch Rocky for a little while longer.”
Mason – “Yes Rocky, stay with Bruce. Scott’s shoes and my shoes are not play things. Touch them again and prepare to be fed to an ATM.”
Krimace tells us Rocky is the dog that she got for her ex-boyfriend Reggie about a year ago. Reggie has a really hectic schedule so he left the dog with Krimace.
Mason – “You pissed on my Tom Ford smoking jacket?!?! Scott had that commissioned for me so we would match. You, you bastard!!!”
Krimace tells us Bruce has really taken Rocky under his wing. Flashback.
Bruce – “Hey there boy. This is the Goth’s favorite room that no one is allowed in. Feel free to piss wherever you’d like. Ooo you’d like to play Red Rover? That’s my favorite game!”
Bruce tells Rocky “Look I got dog biscuits!” Krimace goes “Ohh so that’s why Rocky likes you.”
Bruce puts a dog biscuit in his mouth.
Bruce – “Umm num num.” Mason – “Ahhhhh don’t do it, Bruce!!!”
Krimace screams “That is disgusting! What are you doing?”
Mason – “OMFG. Now you have dog breath.”
Krimace laughs “I’ll give you a snack in the other room, Scooby. You don’t need to eat dog biscuits.”
Bruce puts the dog biscuit back in his mouth and leans towards Rocky.
Mason – “Nooo!!! It was gross in Lady & the Tramp and it’s even grossier when it’s interspecies.”
Krimace yells “Rocky doesn’t want it from you. He’s not gay.”
Mason – “You sure about that? Rocky barks in time to Liberace, buries magazines with Elkton John on the cover, and Scott and I saw him sniffing another male dog’s butt the other day.”
LATER THAT DAY AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Everyone is seated at the table and eating dinner with Mason nearby.
Mason – “Scooter, you’re not as cool as my moo moo mobile, but I do enjoy your panhandling green bucket attachment.”
Goth Ronald asks “Why is Bruce the only one that doesn’t like a real plate?” Bruce snaps “Because I am the only one that does the dishes.”
Fry Girl says she would love to see Goth Ronald do the dishes. She asks when was the last time the Goth even washed a dish.
Goth Ronald – “1984.”
Khlo-ho who is also wearing animal print goes “Oh. I was born that year.” Hmm are leopard spots the new stripes?
Fry Girl announces that Scott’s birthday is coming up. The Goth grunts “When?” Fry Girl replies “May 26th. Scott says he sent you an email.”
Mason – “I helped him pick out the font and background design. It’s 100 times better than fucking Paul Allen’s. Do you like how my orange binky matches my shirt?”
Goth Ronald shrugs and claims she never got the email. Fry Girl is like really? The Goth asks “Where will the party be?” Fry Girl replies Vegas. Goth says she and Bruce have prior engagements.
Mason – “I drooled on myself. Time for a shirt change. Like Urrsher says, always gotta look fresh.”
Bruce asks Khlo-ho “What about you? Are you available?” Fry Girl cuts in and says she had no intention of asking Khlo-ho because she knows she would say no.
Fry Girl tells us how frustrating it is to lead two separate lives: one with Scott and one with her family.
Bruce hoists Mason up. Mason grumbles. Goth Ronald actually tells Bruce “He wants this. It matches his shirt.” Bwhahaha.
Mason – “Yes, it does match my shirt. Thanks for noticing, Captain Obvious.”
Goth Ronald laughs “Exactly.”
Mason – “Gimme, gimme, gimme more, gimme more.”
Mason – “Thank you Goth Ronald. As you well know accessories are everything, only mine aren’t lame skull scarves.”
Everyone claps as Mason puts his binky in his mouth.
Mason – “Really people, it’s just a binky. You are amused so easily. Speaking of Bruce, did you hear about the vibrator in the nightstand?”
THE NEXT DAY…
Bruce is fixing some things on Bertram the Helicopter. The Goth ask Bruce to take those boxes of shirts over to the Dream Center.
Bruce – “I hope you don’t mean my Elvis Costello t-shirt collection.”
A blurred out neighbor walks into the garage with Rocky. Rocky was over in the neighbor’s yard. The neighbor tells them they really need to get Rocky neutered because the dog is all over the place. So Rocky is a player. Bruce yells “Way to go stud.” The Goth bellows “We have to do something about this.”
IN LAS VEGAS…
It’s Scott’s 27th birthday party. One of Scott’s guests grabs his hair.
Scott – “Get your fucking hand off the hair if you want to keep your spleen.”
Scott’s friend ask where’s the family. Fry Girl says no one came. Scott adds “And this is the reason why” and he points to himself. Fry Girl tells everyone “Let’s go have some fun.”
Scott – “Yes, let’s shall. I’m wearing my red party suspenders.”
The party moves out to the dining room.
Scott – “My white jacket really pops against this dark decor. Mason will be so pleased. He bought this for me for my birthday.”
One of Scott’s guests tells him “You’re a king right now man” as Scott sits in a plush red throne-like chair.
Fry Girl tells Scott she needs a break from her family and knows how much Scott loves New York; it’s where his family is based. She is considering moving to New York with him. Scott is ecstatic.
Fry Girl is like not permanently though. Scott doesn’t compute. He thinks moving to New York will be forever. Fry Girl tells him consider it your birthday present.
Scott – “Thanks Doll, you’re going to love it. Mason and I already have a list of apartments for us to look at.”
Scott’s birthday wish is to move as quickly to New York as possible, and he asks for help blowing out the candles to make sure that his wish comes true.
Wish for “Kim and Kourtney: Take New York” in progress….
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
The Goth asks Bruce what is he doing. Bruce says he and Rocky are cleaning the motorcycle up if Rocky wouldn’t slobber on it! The Goth snickers maybe Rocky will hump it instead. Krimace adds “If you want to wait and clean the bike on Thursday Rocky won’t be here. He has a doctor’s appointment. He’s getting neutered.”
Bruce wants to know what is the deal with you girls, it’s going to change the dog.
Goth Ronald points out that Rocky was down the street humping all of the other dogs. Bruce tells Goth Ronald and Krimace that maybe the problem is those two need to be humped more often and leave Rocky alone.
AT BEVERLY OAKS ANIMAL HOSPITAL…
Rocky refuses to get out of the car.
Rocky – “You’re going to turn me from Rocky into a Rockette.”
Krimace, The Goth and Bruce take Rocky inside to meet with the doctor. I didn’t know psychic Lisa Williams moonlighted as a veterinarian.
Doctor – “I’m sensing Rocky is very nervous.” Rocky – “Bitch, you have no idea.”
The doctor tells them they do have “neuticals” for dogs.
The Goth yells “A boob job for a dog!”
Bruce tells the Goth this doesn’t have to happen today and grabs Rocky and makes a run for it.
Bruce – “Come on Rocky, we’re gonna make like Thelma and Louise and scram.”
IN NEW YORK….
Scott and Fry Girl land. They do a little shopping and then take Mason over to Tribeca to look at an apartment.
Scott – “Dark walls. Check.” Mason – “Dead grandma dining room set has got to go.” Scott – “Agreed.”
Fry Girl really likes the apartment. Scott and Mason love the bathroom.
Mason – “It’s so Patrick Bateman!” Scott (whispers) – “I know.”
Scott and Mason then make their way out onto the rooftop deck.
Mason – “Throw me higher! I can see Saks from here.” Scott – “Fry Girl, get out here. I want you to throw me too so I can see Saks.”
Fry Girl can totally see herself living here and raising Mason. The place has such a great energy.
Scott – “Look Mason, walnut closet shelves.” Mason – “Get the fuck out of town.” Scott – “OMFG there is a rotating tie rack!” Mason – “I think I’m gonna cream my pants.”
Fry Girl and Scott move onto a Greenwich Village apartment. Fry Girl gets a call from the Goth during the apartment tour.
The Goth is not pleased to hear that Fry Girl is considering moving to NYC. Scott isn’t pleased to hear the Goth interfering.
Scott – “Jesus Chris Beetlejuice, go find someone else to harass.”
Fry Girl tells us Scott is working on being a better person and father to Mason and the Goth just needs to understand.
Camera cuts to Mason.
Mason (flailing muppet arms)- “We’re in New York. Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Scott stands Mason on the counter and presents him as “A New York baby now.”
Mason – “I feel like I need a monocle and a pocket watch. Don’t you think?” Scott – “Definitely.”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Krimace finds Bruce lounging with Rocky. She brings up the subject of “neuticals” again. Krimace has decided that Rocky is getting neutered, end of story. Bruce apologizes to Rocky.
Goth Ronald, Khlo-ho and Krimace sit down for a bite to eat.
The Goth wanted to let the girls know that Fry Girl was looking at places in NYC. Goth Ronald says could you imagine what life without Mason would be like?
Krimace – “Who will tell me my ass looks fat?” Khlo-ho – “The Lakers Cheerleaders are going to be devastated. How will Lamar explain Mason’s absence to them?”
Fry Girl arrives with Mason. Goth Ronald cooes “Ooo there’s Mase-y.”
Mason – “Something is up. Why are you all staring at me? Abort lunch. Abort. Let’s go to Jack in the Box instead.”
Krimace is blunt. She asks if Fry Girl is moving to New York. Fry Girl says they looked at places. Khlo-ho says she knows what Fry Girl is doing: getting back at them for not going to Scott’s birthday party. If this is just to prove a point Khlo-ho tells Fry Girl to go ahead and move. Fry Girl snaps “I will.”
AT BEVERLY OAKS ANIMAL HOSPITAL…
Krimace and Bruce take Rocky back to the doctor. They take a look at the “neuticals” again. The doctor says they can pick different sizes. Krimace says she hates big balls. Bruce laughs.
The 90210 Dr. Ray of testicular implants.
Bruce and Krimace leave the room. I’ll spare you guys the operating photos.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Krimace tells Kendall and Kylie to get their grimy fingers out of the pasta bowl. Goth Ronald summons everyone into the family room. Bruce protests that his pasta isn’t ready yet.
Bruce counts down his pasta 5, 4, 3, 2
Bruce – “Some days I feel like sticking my head in the microwave. Today is one of those days.”
Goth Ronald tells everyone they have a major problem. Bruce blurts out “You’re pregnant!” Goth Ronald snaps “No.”
The Goth voices her fears of Fry Girl and Scott moving to New York which means Mason won’t be here anymore.
Kendall – “But Mason runs the Gossip Girl website for my school. He can’t leave.”
Goth Ronald wants everyone to figure out a way to keep them here.
Rob – “Oh no. Scheming with you always backfires.” Kylie – “Yeah, I don’t want any parts of this.”
Kendall suggests throwing Scott a party to make-up for ditching his original birthday party. The Goth is like not a bad idea. Krimace says the key is getting Khlo-ho to attend.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Goth Ronald stops by. She tells Khlo-ho the plan. Khlo-ho isn’t convinced.
AT BEVERLY OAKS ANIMAL HOSPITAL…
Bruce and Krimace arrive to pick up Rocky. They decide to first get Rocky a ‘Sorry we cut your balls off’ present. Bruce jokes that now Rocky can probably have a pink leash.
Doctor “Lisa Williams” brings out Rocky. Bruce exclaims “OMG what did you do to him?”
Rocky – “They cut off my balls, implanted silicone “neuticals” and put this fucking plastic thing around my head. Can I go home now?”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Rocky is recovering on the couch as Goth Ronald yells “Okay it’s a surprise party for Scott. Get your party hats on!”
Goth Ronald – “It’s going to be the happiest Christmas birthday since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
Khlo-ho shocks Goth Ronald by actually showing up. The Goth gets everyone into position.
Everyone screams surprise and blows on the birthday horns. Mason starts crying. Scott is like “My birthday?”
Scott – “You shouldn’t have.” Mason (sob) – “You know I fucking hate clowns!”
Scott says my birthday was two weeks ago. Mason continues to cry and everyone tries to comfort him. Khlo-ho screams “Happy Birthday party!!”
Fry Girl says this fake over the top bullshit from Khlo-ho isn’t necessary.
Mason – “Now my eyes are going to be red and puffy for the rest of the day. Thanks assholes. I’m going to console myself with this bagel.”
Goth Ronald tells Fry Girl to lighten up on Khlo-ho.
Goth Ronald – “We’re not fucking Cher. We can’t turn back time.”
Khlo-ho says adios and leaves. Bruce asks Scott how he is doing. Scott replies “Good. Helluva birthday bash.”
Next week on “Keeping Up…” Khlo-ho’s best friend Malika is dating Rob and Goth Ronald has been asked to co-manage a new band called the B.G. 5. Goth Ronald a band manager…this I got to see. See you next week!!!