KUWTK: Match Made in Hell

PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…

Krimace (Kim) decided to neuter her dog Rocky much to Bruce’s dismay. Fry Girl (Kourtney) and Scott went to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday. Scott’s wish was to move back to New York with Fry Girl and Mason. Scott got part of his wish when Fry Girl and Mason accompanied him to New York to look at potential apartments.

Goth Ronald (Kris) was not happy about the prospect of Fry Girl and Mason moving away from her eagle hawk kohl-rimmed eyes. Kendall suggested throwing a birthday party for Scott as a way to keep them from moving. Everyone was onboard except for Khlo-ho.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

Goth Ronald stops by. Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald – “You look cute.”

Goth Ronald – “Thanks. Wait. What are you up to?”

Khlo-ho replies just online shopping.

Khlo-ho – “I’m on Borders.com. Lamar has been bugging me to get Rachael Ray’s 30-minute meals book. He wants me to cook a special dinner in November for the ‘Harry Potter’ midnight screening.”

Khlo-ho asks the Goth “So what is this dumb thing that we’re doing? BG what?”

Goth Ronald – “BG5. It’s five girls who used to be called the Beach Girls 5. “

Khlo-ho – “Sounds like a B-horror movie sequel after two S-Club Seven members were eaten by Rosie O’Donnell Trapper Keeper.”

Goth Ronald – “What’s an S-Club Seven?”

Goth Ronald explains that the girls are older now so they want to be called BG5. They’re going to be working on a music video soon, and the Goth wants Khlo-ho to go with her to the set. Khlo-ho asks why. Goth Ronald replies she wants Khlo-ho’s opinion.

The Goth name drops that her friend Kenneth Crear, who was Janet Jackson’s manager, asked her to help him co-manage BG5, a new band he discovered.

Flashback.

Kenneth – “Yo Goth Ronald, I need your menacing presence to keep these hos in line. Can you help me?”

Goth Ronald – “I’d love too. Can I dress them in stripes?”

Kenneth – “I don’t care if you rough them up if they get out of line but leave the styling to me.”

Goth Ronald tells us her ex-husband Robert Kardashian…

Robert Kardashian – “Can’t I play golf on the otherside in peace, woman!?!?!”

was in the music business and it was always her intention to join him in the business.

As much as the Goth enjoys being a “momager,” she would really like a role outside of the family.

Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald “You’re our manager, not theirs.” Goth Ronald asks Khlo-ho if she’s jealous. Khlo-ho says no just that the Goth isn’t supposed to be anyone else’s manager.

Khlo-ho – “Especially managing someone named R2D2.” Goth Ronald – “It’s BG5.”

Goth Ronald says they’re super cute, and I really love these girls. Khlo-ho snorts you love anyone who gives you 10 percent.

Cue opening credits.

AT A BEACH…

Khlo-ho stumbling in the sand blurts out “Why the fuck are we here?!?!?”

Looks like Khlo-ho needs a Rachel Zoe shoe board.

She tells us the Goth talked her into going to the pier to see a BG5 video shoot.

Khlo-ho stumbles some more.

Khlo-ho – “This beach is a death trap. Whatever you do don’t tell Mason I wore these shoes to the beach. He’ll never let it go.” Goth Ronald (cackles) – “Ooo you’re afraid of baby’Norman Blackwell’ Mason. Bwhahaahaha.”

Goth Ronald introduces Khlo-ho to Kenneth.

Kenneth – “What was it like growing up with this woman for a mother?” Khlo-ho – “Well, you see how our family turned out. What do you think?”

Here come the BG5 girls.

The BG5 girls. Former street urchins until they were taken in by Rev. Eric and Annie Camden. Fed, invited into the congregation’s flock and then set free to go onto a music career just like Ashlee Simpson.

The girls hug Goth Ronald. Seriously who would hug that woman? And Khlo-ho asks them “Is this your first video?” BG5 replies yes. Goth Ronald asks if they know what they’re doing. BG5 says no.

Montage of BG5 frolicking in the water during their video taping.

Goth Ronald asks Kenneth “So we don’t have to pay any of the extras?” Kenneth says no. Goth Ronald replies “I love this.”

Goth Ronald’s brain starts spinning. She wants to get styling going for the girls, everyone’s personality needs to shine through.

Goth Ronald – “I’m thinking stripes.” Kenneth – “I’m thinking fuck no.”

Kenneth tells the Goth these could be like your daughters. BG5 reminds Goth Ronald of her girls when they were just starting out.

BG5 is in the ocean and cold. Goth Ronald shouts “Suck it up girls!!!”

BG5 -”Who does Insane Clown Posse think she is?”

Khlo-ho gets up grumbling “Why the fuck are we here?” as she stumbles through the sand. She’s pissed because Goth Ronald told her that they were going to the Santa Monica pier, not the actual beach.

Khlo-ho – “This fucking sucks. I hope one of those Graboids from Tremors comes up and swallows Goth Ronald.”

Khlo-ho-manages to climb up a steep ramp to a lifeguard station only to find no chairs. Goth Ronald wants to know what the hell Khlo-ho is doing.

Khlo-ho said she needed hard ground to stand on.

Khlo-ho – “And I wanted to kick back and chill with Zack and Slater in this geometric Saved by the Bell lifeguard station.”

Goth Ronald – “A.C. Slater is here? Where?”

Goth Ronald tells Khlo-ho if she comes down from the Saved by the Bell lifeguard station like a good girl she’ll buy her a hot dog.

Khlo-ho – “But I can get a hot dog at The Max.” Goth Ronald – “If you go you’ll have to listen to Jessie Spano’s feminist bullshit. Do you want that?” Khlo-ho – “No.” Goth Ronald – “Then get your ass down here.”

Khlo-ho asks Goth Ronald if she’ll buy her new shoes if they get ruined. Goth Ronald ignores Khlo-ho. Khlo-ho persists until Goth Ronald snaps “I”m working Khlo-ho!”

BG5 emerges from the ocean. Goth Ronald claps “Yay girls!” BG5 wants to give Goth Ronald another hug.

Goth Ronald – “Oh ho ho no more hugging. Seriously come near me and I’ll taser you.”

Goth Ronald tells BG5 she’s proud of them. Meanwhile Khlo-ho is already in the car and getting ready to pull away. Goth Ronald snaps “You could have waited for me.” Khlo-ho locks the doors on Goth Ronald.

Khlo-ho – “Don’t you have a clown car hearse that you drive?” Goth Ronald – “Don’t make me get out my umbrella and go “Britney” on you!”

Khlo-ho drives through the parking lot with Goth Ronald chasing her. Goth Ronald pleads for Khlo-ho to stop the car. The Goth gasps that she just peed her pants.

Goth Ronald – “Please Khlo-ho! I just set my damp detector off.”

Khlo-ho rolls the window down and asks the Goth if she needs diapers. Goth Ronald says no. Khlo-ho tells her “You and Mason need to shop at the same stores.”

‘Beep’ text message from Mason.

Khlo-ho – “Nevermind. Mason says he doesn’t shop at Hot Topic like you do because unlike you, he and Scott are both conformists and just want to fit in.”

Khlo-ho finally agrees to let the Goth into the car after the Goth promises to wear diapers around the house.

AT MAGGIANO’S LITTLE ITALY RESTAURANT…

It’s a family outing with Bruce, the Goth, Khlo-ho, Krimace, Kylie, Kendall, Rob and Khlo-ho’s friend Malika. Khlo-ho takes note of Rob pulling out Malika’s chair for her.

The Goth mentions to Rob that she likes his hair longer. So does Malika.

Khlo-ho tells us that Rob and Malika have this weird chemistry. She isn’t sure if it’s sexual or what it is.

Flashbacks of Rob slapping sunscreen onto Malika, lifting her onto a counter, and playing pool doggy style.

Khlo-ho asks the Goth if she’s heard that Rob and Malika are obsessed with each other and it’s disgusting.

Rob tells us he would never date Malika because she is Khlo-ho’s best friend and personal assistant.

Rob – “I didn’t say I wouldn’t bang her. Mason says I can’t get in trouble if I selectively choose my words.”

Khlo-ho continues to egg Rob on until he snaps and tells Kendall and Kylie who are both seated closest to Khlo-ho to make her shut up. Khlo-ho threatens to beat Kendall up if she tries to put her hand over Khlo-ho’s mouth.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Bruce is feeding Mason. Bruce asks Mason if he would like to feed himself.

Mason – “Yes! You’re getting this shit all over my face after Scott just applied my La Mer moisturizer.”

Bruce says “Here you go. Do it yourself.” Mason snatches the spoon from Bruce.

Mason – “Oh I will. Now hand me that pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. After a morning of listening to Goth Ronald’s screams while she was getting a bikini wax, I deserve a bowl of ice cream.”

Mason to camera guy – “Wouldn’t you do the same?”

Goth Ronald’s voice comes from around the corner as she says “Hi Mase-y Mase.”

Mason – “Didn’t you just get your cooch waxed? Shouldn’t you be icing it or something?”

Goth Ronald asks Bruce “What are you doing?” Bruce replies “Mason just had a meal.”

Mason – “And now it’s time for ice cream!!”

Bruce adds “Chunky Monkey.”

Mason – “Ahhhhh I fucking love Chunky Monkey!!”

Bruce picks up Mason from his high chair to clean him up. Goth Ronald comes over and stares at Mason’s nose.

Goth Ronald – “Is that a boogey, Mason?” Mason – “Ugh what are you doing?”

Mason – “Stop! No I don’t have a boogey. Scott bought me my own nose hair trimmer.”

Mason – “Stop! Scott and I have spent the last 6 weeks going to bed with clothes pins on our noses like Amy March so our noses will be cute and button-like. If you fuck up my nose I’m gonna shove a clothes pin up your ass with my dinosaur claw.”

Bruce tells Mason to make a run for it.

Mason – “I just need to get to my cell phone so I can text Scott for help.”

Goth Ronald protests saying it’s almost out. Bruce grabs Mason and holds him away from the Goth. Bruce tells Goth Ronald “Get away from the child. This is child abuse.”

Mason (shaking)- “Bruce, she’s just like Judith Light in “Men Don’t Tell.”

Goth Ronald doesn’t see what the big deal is. She says it’s just a booger.

Changing the subject, Goth Ronald tells us today she has decided to have a family barbecue and invite the BG5 girls over to meet the family. Goth Ronald says she has a big decision to make on whether to manager these girls.

Doorbell rings. They’re here.

Mason (pats Bruce’s face) – “Bruce, take me to answer the door. I want a first look at what we’re dealing with here. Don’t want to be unprepared if the Goth is springing a grenade(s) on us.” Bruce – “Good idea, little man.”

Instead the girls let themselves in. Bruce yells “Hello everybody!”

Goth Ronald who is dressed like a Footlocker clerk welcomes her BG5s.

Goth Ronald – “Just so you know, if your album sucks the binding contract states you will pay back your money by selling shoes.”

She then tells Kendall and Kylie to get the BG5s drinks. Bruce adds “Get them a shot and a beer.”

One of the girls says “I like this guy” and stands next to Bruce.

Goth Ronald asks “So what’s going on?”

Goth Ronald – “What a coincidence, so am I.”

BG5 girl laughs and says let’s join forces.

Goth Ronald wants to know what’s up with their hair and make-up glam team. BG5 explains everything they are wearing comes from their own closets. Goth Ronald nods and smiles tightly. She tells the girls they have to talk about getting a look for the group put together. The girls say they need help in that area and that they trust the Goth. Bwhahaha naive girls. Goth Ronald will snap her fingers and have you looking like Bratz dolls who just escaped from prison.

One of the girls looks out the window. She asks what’s out there? Goth Ronald replies the baby. The girls all go awww and head for the door. Such is the power that is Mason.

Goth Ronald tells us the girls are so sweet as Mason joins them inside with Fry Girl.

BG5 girl (making a face at Mason) – “Hi Mason!” Mason – “You’ve got that Tori Spelling concave chest going on. I’d appreciate it if you’d cover up before I projectile vomit Chunky Monkey all over the table.”

Goth Ronald tells us she loves hanging out with the girls.

Montage of girls on trampoline and playing frisbee in the backyard.

But the Goth needs to make sure that this is the right decision for her a.k.a. pays enough money.

Goth Ronald shows Kenneth and the BG5s out. She asks Kenneth to give her a call tomorrow.

Mason – “Well, I managed to diffuse quite a few grenades. You people owe me.” Kendall – “Thanks Mason!”

Bruce asks Goth Ronald how much experience she has managing music groups. Goth Ronald claims she has lots of experience managing girls. Fry Girls warns the Goth just because you have a lot of CDs doesn’t mean you know the music business.

Mason – “Seriously otherwise I would tell that singer Itsy Bitsy spider to stop going down that damn water spout. Never going to go platinum if you keep getting washed out.”

Kendall asks when was the last time that you listened to a song? Bruce adds you listen to the same tape…Luther Vandross.

Bruce – “You love to go around the house shaking your ass singing “Never Too Much”.”

Goth Ronald says she wasn’t born in the dark ages, she just practices the dark arts, and she knows what she’s talking about.

Fry Girl tells us Goth Ronald has a tendency to take on too much. Flashback of the Goth overbooking Krimace, not showing up for Fry Girl’s photoshoot, answering phones, etc.

Bruce asks Goth Ronald if she really wants to do this. He tells her she’s already working 18 hours a day.

Mason – “You know they have 18-hour bras by Playtex. You might want to look into that because you’re starting to sag around the 16-hour mark.”

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

Malika asks what Rob is doing? He says loading the dishwasher. Malika asks Rob what is up with his sister? Rob tells us he is really tired of Khlo-ho’s constant insinuations that he and Malika are hooking up.

Malika tells Rob that Khlo-ho would shit her pants if she thought the two of them were hooking up. Rob asks so are we going to start hooking up? Malika snaps “No Robert! Focus. We need to make her think that we are seriously dating and she’s got something to worry about.” Malika says the only way to get back at Khlo-ho is to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Rob yells through the glass at Khlo-ho – “Two in the pink, one in the stink!” (that’s a direct quote from the show)

Malika laughs that Rob is a sicko as Khlo-ho looks up.

IN THE STUDIO…

Goth Ronald says hi to Kenneth and the BG5s. She stopped by the studio to tell the B5s that she’s going to pass on being their manager. Her excuse is that she is currently overwhelmed with her own girls and she doesn’t do something unless she can give it 150 percent.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…

Malika begins phase 1 of their plan. She stops by looking for Rob and tells Khlo-ho that they’re going to dinner together. Khlo-ho asks how come she wasn’t invited. Malika says because it’s date night.

Rob tells Malika she looks beautiful. Malika tells Rob she loves an man in black. Rob says he loves a black woman.

Later that night, Lamar asks Khlo-ho if she’s seen Rob.

Lamar – “Rob and I got video games to play and the new Harry Potter Scene-It.”

Khlo-ho replies Rob is still on his date. Lamar is like so Rob is on a date with Malika…that means they’re definitely going to get together.

Khlo-ho calls Malika. She asks if Malika plans on going on another date with Rob. Malika says yes. Lamar starts clapping. He tells Khlo-ho that they should embrace this. Khlo-ho is disgusted.

AT THE JENNER HOUSE…

Fry Girl stops by. She tells the Goth that she just dropped Mason off to hang out with Scott. Scott and Mason are getting fitted for suits today.

Goth Ronald tells Fry Girl that she is feeling down right now because she turned down BG5. She asks Fry Girl if she’ll go with her to at least see BG5 perform for their showcase. Fry Girl agrees to go.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…

Malika stops by. Rob pops in and flirts with Malika. Malika tells Khlo-ho that Rob looks great naked. Khlo-ho is completely freaked out.

Later that night during “movie night” Malika and Rob “make-out”. Khlo-ho begs them to stop.

Khlo-ho – “Stop right now or I’ll make you watch ‘Patch Adams’.”

Rob asks Khlo-ho to guess where he is touching Malika right now. Lamar asks “Who gets the first guess?” Rob replies “If you know what kind of man I am then you would know.”

Khlo-ho hides under her blanket.

Khlo-ho – “Make them stop, Lamar.” Lamar – “Nothing we can do. Shhh just let it happen.”

Finally Khlo-ho gets up and runs from the room.

AT THE STUDIO…

Goth Ronald stops by to see the BG5s perform “live.” The Goth is impressed. After the performance, she asks Fry Girl to step outside with her. The Goth tells Fry Girl that she’s so emotional, and she doesn’t know why. Goth Ronald worries that she made the wrong decision. Kendall and Fry Girl start giggling. Goth Ronald snaps don’t laugh at me. Kendall snickers and says “I’m really trying not to.”

Goth Ronald beckons everyone to join her onstage. She asks if the BG5s will still have her she’d love to co-manage them with Kenneth.

Goth Ronald – “Now who wants to take a field trip to Hot Topic!?!?”

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…

Malika and Rob continue their plan. They tell Khlo-ho they’re planning on moving in together. Khlo-ho at this point is like eh whatever. Malika tells Khlo-ho the joke is on you. We’ve been playing you this whole time.

Khlo-ho tells us this is just not funny.

Camera cuts to Khlo-ho beating up Rob.

Khlo-ho – “Say you’re sorry. Who is the fucking queen bitch?” Rob (squeaks) – “You and Malika.”

Khlo-ho tells us she is so relieved because she never wants Malika and Rob to hook up.

The next day Bruce, Fry Girl and the Goth stop by. Khlo-ho pulls Fry Girl and Kendall aside and fills them in on the Goth peeing herself at Santa Monica. Khlo-ho tells the two that she bought Depends earlier. The plan is to make the Goth wear them like she promised.

Khlo-ho walks into the familyroom and says “We have an announcement to make.”

Mason – “Oh. Do you have Lakers tickets? Back off everybody. They’re mine!”

Khlo-ho explains that the other day Goth Ronald peed on herself and she made a deal to wear adult diapers. The Goth refuses to put on the diaper. Bruce leads the family in a chant of “Put on the diaper!” The girls take Goth Ronald into the other room.

Mason – “Rob, want to bet $50 and a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme pie that Goth’s ass will look huge?”

Goth Ronald whines “I don’t want to wear a diaper!” The family gathers outside the doorway.

Rob – “Look you’re wearing a diaper.” Mason to Fry Girl – “Okay, we can move to New York now.”

Bruce looks at the Goth and tells her “That’s so not sexy.”

Next time on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” Fry Girl plans to get pregnant ASAP, Kylie brings a boy upstairs to her bedroom inciting the wrath of Bruce and causing her to run away to Khlo-ho’s.

See you next week!