Keeping Up With the Kardashians: My Bodyguard

PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS…

In the first of an epic back-to-back episode stint, “The Ring” dealt with Khlo-ho losing her engagement ring. Khlo-ho searched high and low but to no avail, her ring was nowhere to be found. Rob ended up finding it in the laundry, and he and Lamar put on a hilarious “play”using Lamar and Khlo-ho’s wedding afghan and revealed to Khlo-ho that they had found her ring.

Meanwhile Goth Ronald and Bruce battled it out over the garage. The fighting got so bad that Kendall and Kylie thought the Goth and Bruce were headed to splitville. Fortunately, Bruce is a resilient man, much like his face, and accepted Goth Ronald’s apology as they slept on an air mattress in the garage.

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Khlo-ho walks into Krimace’s kitchen. Khlo-ho asks “Yummy. What are you making?” Krimace replies, “A face mask.”

The knife is for removing the 10 pounds of make-up.

Khlo-ho laughs and says “No, you’re not.” Krimace insists that she is. She tells Khlo-ho that she looked up the recipe online. It’s supposed to be a really great anti-aging face mask.

Khlo-ho picks up a piece, eats it and grimaces.

Khlo-ho – “Bleh. This is some nasty shit. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a Dorian Gray portrait and put it in your attic?”

Krimace ignores Khlo-ho and puts a piece of the concoction on her face.

Krimace – “Do I look younger? I wonder if Sponge Bob Square Pants realizes the fountain of youth that he’s living in?”

Khlo-ho tells Krimace she needs to lay down on the counter otherwise the mask is just going to fall off of her face. Khlo-ho hoists Krimace onto the counter.

Khlo-ho- “Up you go Mr. Potato Head.”

Krimace lays down and Khlo-ho begins assembling Krimace’s ‘new face’.

Khlo-ho – “How do you feel about the Saw puppet Billy’s face?”

Khlo-ho – “Or ‘You Can’t Do That on Television. SLIME!”

Khlo-ho starts to make a unicorn on Krimace’s forehead. Krimace demands to know what Khlo-ho is doing. Khlo-ho says “I’m making a unicorn” as Krimace smashes it. Khlo-ho warns Krimace that if she keeps doing that the mask is going to end up in her hair.

Khlo-ho takes out her phone and takes a picture of Krimace. Khlo-ho smirks and says “That’s normal.”

Khlo-ho – “Definitely sending this to Mason.”

Cue opening credits.

STILL AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Krimace is in the backyard exercising. Goth Ronald who has a key (yeah I would never let the Goth have a key to my house) opens the front door.

Goth Ronald yells “Krimace!” Krimace replies “Hey Goth Ronald.”

Goth Ronald wants to know what Krimace is doing. Krimace tells her she’s stretching.

Krimace – “On my perfectly color coordinated yoga mat situated on my pristine Brady Bunch astroturf.”

Goth Ronald is like whatever. The reason she came over was to discuss getting security for Krimace. Goth Ronald is also scratching her hand.

Goth Ronald – “Damn it. My skin can tell I’m not wearing stripes. It’s going through withdrawal.”

Krimace says she doesn’t need any security. Goth Ronald begs to differ. The Goth says Krimace needs security wherever she goes these days. Flashback to hoards of fans swarming Krimace like Lurky Dismal.

“Lurky Dismal’ – “I like you Krimace because you don’t wear any color. Let me take you back to Murky.”

Goth Ronald tells us that Krimace has been asked by QuickTrim to appear at the Indy 500 where there will be thousands of fans in attendance, and the Goth is afraid to put Krimace out there without personal security.

Goth Ronald wants Krimace to use Shengo, a former body guard Krimace used in Australia. Krimace is like absolutely not.

Krimace tells us the body guard was really quiet and standoffish, and she’s not sure if she wants that energy around her. She laughs and tells Goth Ronald that he would swat people whenever they got too close to her. Goth Ronald nods and says exactly. He’s a body guard for Elkton John and Nicole Kidman. He’s the real deal.

Goth Ronald tells Krimace “Shengo is on his way and will be here tomorrow so get used to it because you, my friend, have a new shadow.”

Goth Ronald – “And this shadow will be sewn to your Peter Pan ass.”

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

It’s Fry Girl and MASON!!!! OMG how we’ve missed you Mason!

Mason is attempting to chill in the pool, but Fry Girl wants him to play with a ball.

Mason – I came out here to chillax not play ball. Where are my Playboy mags, Fischer Price raft and margherita?”

Lamar watches from the side of the pool as the ball rolls towards Mason.

Mason – “Hmm so if I learn how to throw this through a hoop I will get laid by thousands of women just like Wilt Chamberlain?”

Lamar comments “Babies love the water too bad I’m not a baby.”

Mason – “You could be again. I saw that Tom Hanks movie ‘Big.’”

Khlo-ho announces “Did you know that Lamar doesn’t know how to swim.”

Rob rolls over in shock.

Rob – “No wonder you shrieked during the Triwizard Tournament when Ron and Hermione were trapped under water in Hogwarts Lake.”

Fry Girl asks Lamar “How come you don’t know how to swim?”

Mason – “How come you don’t know how to hold a baby. Head rush! Lift me upright!”

Lamar tells them his grandfather used to take them to this swimming place, and when they put him in the pool he never reacted like other babies.

Lamar – “I sank to the bottom and looked up at them like get me the fuck out of here fools!”

Fry Girl asks “But what about your kids? Don’t they ask, Dad, why don’t you come in the pool?”

Lamar replies “They kinda make fun of me.”

Khlo-ho tells us her childhood memories with her dad all revolve around the pool. Flashback.

Krimace – “Marc Jacobs!” Fry Girl – “Ralph Lauren Polo!” Krimace – “Marc Jacobs…”

Khlo-ho adds “So when Lamar tells me he doesn’t know how to swim that bothers me.”

Lamar agrees that he should really learn how to swim. Khlo-ho chimes in that she’s an amazing swimmer. Uh oh. She tells Lamar she can teach him how to swim. Here’s Lamar’s reaction.

Lamar – “Aaahhhhh”

Lamar – “Aaahhhhh ahhh ahhhh”

Lamar – “Ugh.”

Mason – “Did Sloth just die?” Rob – “I think so.”

Fry Girl tells Lamar he would make such a fun dad. He could lift his kids up in the water and…

Rob cuts in.

Rob – “And you can launch them off your back because you’re so tall and masculine.”

Mason – “Okay Joan Collins give it a rest. We all know Lamar is ripped.”

Lamar agrees to let Khlo-ho teach him how to swim. Khlo-ho screams yay! Lamar mutters it’s not going to work. Fry Girl asks what’s the worst that could happen?

Lamar – “You could drown.”

Mason – “Yes, it would be a pity much like the unfortunate death of Biggie Smalls. Coulda had mo’ money, mo’cheesecake, bitches and Hostess Ho Hos.”

Fry Girl tells Lamar “Well then someone will give you mouth-to-mouth.”

Khlo-ho adds “All of us could give you mouth-to-mouth.”

Mason – “And probably mono.”

AT BEACH BUNNY PHOTO SHOOT….

Fry Girl and Krimace are modeling the new line. Krimace tells us that the theme is ’60s films, and it’s going to be really cool.

And here comes Goth Ronald. While Khlo-ho is in hair and make-up Goth Ronald brings bodyguard Shengo over to meet Khlo-ho first.

Meet Shengo, former bodyguard of Sir Elkton John.

Keeping Benny and the Jets safe since 1997.

Goth Ronald tells us it is very important for the family to be comfortable around Shengo so he will be spending time with them today. First order of business is ping pong initiation.

Goth Ronald – “We play like Forrest Gump. I win and you have to buy me icecream, Lt. Dan.”

Goth Ronald introduces Kendall and Fry Girl to Shengo.

Krimace comes around the corner and Goth Ronald smirks and says “Krimace, look who is here?”

Fry Girl tells us “Shengo is such a little hottie. Goth Ronald definitely did a good job with picking this one out. Maybe the Goth secretly wants him to get with Krimace.”

Khlo-ho asks Goth Ronald “Why are you getting Krimace a bodyguard? Is it because she is the prettiest one?”

Goth Ronald asks if the girls have any questions for Shengo.

Khlo-ho – “What if I ask you to beat up Scott?”

Shengo replies “I thought you were going to ask me a security question.”

Khlo-ho “Oh. Well, have you ever been stabbed?”

Shengo – “One time by a Red Lobster pirate sandwich sword.”

Khlo-ho – “Razor blade?”

Shengo – “No.”

Khlo-ho – “If you saw me doing lines of cocaine and buying a prostitute, would you stop me?”

Shengo – “Um.”

Khlo-ho – “Can I pay you in gum?”

Shengo laughs.

Goth Ronald – “Khlo-ho, Shengo is on the Fruit Striped Gum Payroll.”

Khlo-ho asks if Shengo is single. He replies he is separated at the moment. Khlo-ho asks Shengo “If Krimace wanted you to father her child would you do it?” Shengo just laughs.

Goth Ronald announces “Okay, well I guess that went well” and leaves with Shengo.

Khlo-ho sings “Krimace and Shengo sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

Krimace tells us she is not attracted to Shengo.

Also what is up with the hair nets?

Fry Girl – “We’re planning to rob a bank just like that movie ‘Sugar and Spice’.”

Krimace – “Khlo-ho, Fry Girl, Kendall and Kylie, Mason texted me. He says the Krispy Kreme Hot Light is on. Let’s go!!!”

Fry Girl tells us Krimace is getting so defensive about Shengo. Why would you get defensive unless you like him?

Khlo-ho begins to sing again.

Khlo-ho – “First comes love. Then comes marriage…not in Fry Girl’s case.”

Fry Girl – “Uh huh.”

Khlo-ho – “Then comes the baby MASON in the baby carriage.”

Montage of Fry Girl, Krimace and Khlo-ho posing.

ON A PLANE TO THE INDY 500…

Fry Girl, Goth Ronald and Krimace are on a plane to the Indy 500.

On the ground, slo-mo shot of Bruce, Shengo and Krimace coming out of a building.

Bruce – “Okay ladies, this is how you work it.”

Krimace makes her way to the track and does a little test drive in one of the cars. As Krimace pulls away, Goth Ronald screams “You’ll be fine!”

Goth Ronald – “If you crash try to land on your ass, not your face!”

Krimace – “Chim Chim, oh my god was that a ninja?” Beep. Text message from Mason watching at home. Mason – “Pancakes are love.”

Krimace gets out of the car and the media asks her to describe her trip around the track.

Krimace – “It was like ahhhhhhhhh!!!!” ‘glasses break’

Shengo asks Krimace “How was it?” Krimace replies “It was good. I’m a little shaken up, but it was good.”

Graham Rahal, the QuickTrim Driver, arrives.

Bruce – “So Rahal, is your car a weight loss machine? You know I stay in shape the old fashioned way: calesthenics and enemas.”

Goth Ronald – “Bruce, seriously. No one wants to hear your enema stories.”

Inside Krimace meets David Letterman.

David Letterman – “Hello Krimace. I must say I’m disappointed. Why isn’t your family wearing its usual stripes? Look I’m wearing mine albeit a more neutral stripe palette.” Krimace – “Sorry David Letterman.”

Back outside Fry Girl is in a car that is being serviced.

Fry Girl – “So this is what it’s like to be serviced.” Beep text message from Mason. Mason – “Scott says he services you all night long. Shit my Stouffer’s Pizza is done. BRB.”

Goth Ronald cheers for Fry Girl from the side lines.

Goth Ronald – “Whoo hooo!! I feel like I’m back in the day at a bra burning party.”

Shengo analyzes the crowd and devises a security plan to protect Krimace. Krimace hates to admit Goth Ronald was right, but the crowd is insane, and she’s glad Shengo is here.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

Lamar and Rob are playing pool basketball. Khlo-ho comes outside and yells “Hello. I have goodies.” Rob looks weirded out.

Rob – “Ugh I hope Khlo-ho isn’t trying to be Ciara. Khlo-ho’s goodies need to stay in the jar until I get out of this pool.”

Turns out Khlo-ho’s goodies are swimming aids for Lamar.

Khlo-ho – “We’re going to turn you into Esther Williams.”

First Khlo-ho shows Lamar how to kick.

Khlo-ho – “Move your legs like this.” Lamar – “What are you a robot?” Rob – “Haha Khlo-bot.”

Khlo-ho explains the movement will push the water away from you. Rob demonstrates too. Lamar still isn’t getting it.

Rob – “Like this.” Khlo-ho – “Move your legs.” Lamar – “Look it’s not working. If we ever end up in a Titanic situation I will take the door and you can be Jack.”

Khlo-ho tells us it’s difficult trying to teach a man of Lamar’s size how to swim.

Rob busts out the video camera.

Rob – “Smile. Pretend you’re one of those swimming girls in the NuvaRing Commercial. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…”

Lamar – “Monday, Tuesday…shit I’m sinking.”

Rob – “Come on. Try to stay afloat until the verse ‘Saturday, Sunday everyday.”

Khlo-ho feels bad for Lamar. Rob is videotaping and mocking him.

Rob yells out “Come on Michael Phelps.”

Lamar – “Robert, don’t make me beat you with this styrofoam fun noodle.”

Lamar manages to swim a little. Khlo-ho is like “Good job baby.” Rob continues to mock Lamar, and finally Lamar fights back.

Lamar – “Expecto Patronum!!!!”

Rob – “Owww!!!”

Lamar gets out of the pool. Khlo-ho asks “What about tomorrow?” Lamar replies “I think my swimming days are over.”

Rob continues filming as Lamar walks towards the house.

BACK IN INDIANAPOLIS…

Krimace tells us this day has been the longest ever. And now Goth Ronald is with Bruce and Fry Girl is with Scott, and all Krimace wants is dinner. Krimace doesn’t want to eat by herself so she invites Shengo.

Shengo opens the door in only a towel.

Hellooooo Shengo!

Krimace asks Shengo if he would like to grab a bite to eat with her. Shengo tells her to give him a second and he closes the door.

Krimace calls Fry Girl.

Krimace – “Fry Girl.” Fry Girl (monotone) – “Yes.” Krimace – “I just knocked on Shengo’s door.” Fry Girl (monotone) – “Yes.” Krimace – “And he was wearing only a towel.” Fry Girl (monotone) – “Yes.” Krimace – “OMG he’s so hot.” Fry Girl (monotone) -”What??” Krimace – “He’s hot.”

The door opens.

Shengo – “Let’s go. I can multi-task. I’ll button while we walk.”

Shengo continues to button his shirt as they get on the elevator. The two head into the hotel restaurant.

Krimace asks Shengo what he thought of the race. Shengo thought it was awesome.

Shengo – “I loved your nephew Mason’s texts. He’s hilarious.”

Krimace comments on how quiet and professional Shengo was. Shengo explains he wanted things to go smoothly.

Shengo – “Goth Ronald gave explicit instructions. She’s a very militant woman.”

Krimace brings up Australia and asks “Why were you so quiet?” Shengo explains “You’re the boss I’m just being respectful.” Krimace grins and says “I like being called that.”

Krimace compliments Shengo on his manners. She points out how he pulled out her chair for her. She hasn’t had that happen in decades.

Krimace – “Well, I’ve had people pull it out from under me as a joke.”

Krimace tells us her first impression of Shengo was wrong. He is just really polite.

While they’re eating Krimace asks Shengo how does he have a personal life when he’s always around people working.

Krimace – “So are you boning anyone?”

Shengo says he’s just a workaholic.

Shengo – “I live vicariously through WoW.”

Krimace replies “Sounds familiar.” Krimace tells Shengo she is a relationship girl. She has never really dated. She just goes from relationship to relationship. Now that she’s single it’s been weird for her. Shengo asks if it’s because she doesn’t know if people like her for her or like her only for the fame? Krimace replies that is the problem. She needs a person who can just come hang out with her. Shengo smiles.

Krimace asks Shengo how did he become a security guard.

Shengo replies “When I was young I worked on the “Matrix sex, I mean Matrix sets.”

Freudian slip.

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…

Khlo-ho enters the kitchen. She asks Lamar “What are you doing?”

Lamar – “Making a sandwich. See?”

Khlo-ho tells Lamar he can’t eat before swimming. Lamar tells her he wasn’t planning on swimming. Lamar explains he has always been good at stuff and not being able to swim is throwing him off.

Khlo-ho – “Lamar Odom is a quitter?” Lamar – “No, I’m frustrated, and this cheese is fucking hot. I always cut my grilled cheese sandwiches too soon.”

Khlo-ho assures Lamar they can try swimming again without Rob there. Lamar admits he always told his Grandmother he’d learn how to swim.

Lamar – “And fry pickles.”

Khlo-ho replies “Well we’ll do it for your grandmother. We’ll swim for Mildred.”

Lamar and Khlo-ho high-five.

AT KRIMACE’S HOUSE…

Krimace asks Fry Girl if her outfit is okay. Fry Girl asks Krimace why is she so dressy? Krimace says “Oh it’s just a dress I have that I wanted to wear.”

Fry Girl tells us tonight the family is having dinner and this is the first time Scott will have dinner with Goth Ronald since Miami.

Scott – “Did I remember to turn off the flat iron? Yeah, I think I did. Oh well, it’s not my house.”

Scott opens the door for Shengo.

Shengo – “Nice to meet you Scott. Wow you do look like Patrick Bateman.” Scott – “Thank you.”

Upstairs Fry Girl smirks that they’re going on a double-date. Krimace says no it’s not. Shengo has to go everywhere with her.

Fry Girl and Krimace descend the stairs and Scott yells, “Double Date Night!!!!”

Scott – “Mason overheard you two in the bathroom and texted me.”

Fry Girl replies “Totally.”

AT THE KATSUYA…

Paparazzi swarm Krimace. Shengo shields her. Goth Ronald is waiting for them inside.

Goth Ronald – “Scott.” Scott – “Should have worn the other rolex. Damn.” Fry Girl – “Mason wants us to bring him home fortune cookies.”

Krimace asks Shengo to sit down with them for a family dinner.

Goth Ronald jokes “Why do I feel like I’m the only one without a date.”

Scott – “You’re chaperoning, Beetlejuice.”

Goth Ronald asks Scott “What’s sticking out of your pocket?” Scott replies “A Tom Ford pocket square.” Goth Ronald asks “Who wears a Tom Ford pocket square?”

Scott – “I betcha Tom Ford does.”

Scott asks Goth Ronald “Do you see what you guys are wearing?”

Goth Ronald – “Because we’re fabulous.”

Scott – “Maybe in the Netherworld.”

Scott adds “And I’m not?” Goth Ronald replies “No. Do you understand English?” Scott says “Yes.”

Goth Ronald looks over at Fry Girl and comments that she looks cranky. Fry Girl says she feels naseous. Goth Ronald asks Fry Girl if she’s pregnant. Fry Girl says maybe, she doesn’t know. Goth Ronald says her advice is for Scott to stay away from Fry Girl. Fry Girl tells Goth Ronald they’re not asking for Goth advice.

Scott gets up and says he has to make a phone call. Goth Ronald exclaims “Phone call? What is he a drug dealer?” Fry Girl replies “No he was getting away from you. Scott doesn’t want the drama.” Goth Ronald gets pissed and yells what about the drama Scott brought into our lives.

Shengo walks Fry Girl outside to Scott. Scott and Fry Girl leave.

Inside car Scott – “Fuck Goth Ronald. Let’s go home and have a mini ‘Sex and the City’ marathon with Mason.” Scott texts Mason. Mason texts back. Mason – “Commencing Carrie Fever. Make sure you pick up pizza and beer on the way home.”

Back inside Krimace tells Goth Ronald that Scott is trying to be a better person. She asks Goth Ronald if she wants to alienate Fry Girl?

Goth Ronald tells Krimace “I’m really done now and you’ve hurt my feelings.”

Goth Ronald – “Screw you guys I’m going home.”

Goth Ronald leaves. Krimace fills Shengo in on what happened. Then she orders two shots of Petrone. Uh oh. Shengo declines. He can’t drink. He’s on the job.

Krimace drinks both shots. Then they leave.

BACK AT KRIMACE’S…

Shengo asks Krimace if she needs him to work tomorrow. Krimace says she’s sure she will, but she’s unable to think straight right now.

Shengo says why don’t I call you in the morning. Krimace agrees. She walks him to the door and apologizes for Goth Ronald.

Krimace hugs Shengo good-bye and then the two start kissing.

Mason tweets – “Krimace and Shengo K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” TMZ – “Thanks Mason!”

AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…

Today Khlo-ho will attempt to teach Lamar how to swim again.

Khlo-ho – “I’m wearing my swimming stripes. I mean business.”

Khlo-ho asks Lamar if he’s ready. Lamar says now that Rob isn’t here making fun of him he can do it.

Lamar is swimming!!! Kermit flailing muppet arms “YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lamar emerges and accidentally swallows some water. He’s like oh shit!

Khlo-ho tells Lamar the biggest thing to remember about swimming is to “Push, soar and come.” Lamar laughs. Haha Lamar you have a dirty mind just like the rest of us. LOLZ.

Lamar manages to swim over to Khlo-ho. Khlo-ho and Lamar are uber excited. He did it!

AT SHENGO’S HOTEL…

Krimace tells us she’s confused about what happened last night. She stops by Shengo’s hotel to see if they’re okay.

Krimace tells Shengo she wanted to make sure things weren’t awkward after last night. She tells him she thinks everyone had too many drinks. Shengo laughs and asks are they always like that. Krimace laughs and says yeah.

Krimace and Shengo agree to keep things professional. Krimace asks does this happen with all of Shengo’s clients.

Shengo – “Only Elkton John. Just once.”

Next week on “Keeping Up…” it’s an all out assault on Goth Ronald to get her to stop smoking and Krimace decides to try botox. Here’s a picture of The Goth and her cigarette getting drenched with water. LOLZ.

See you next time!