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PREVIOUSLY ON KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS….
Ryan “Mayor McCheese” Seacrest called Krimace (Kim) out for being the only single Kardashian so Goth Ronald took matters into her own striped hands and set Krimace up on a blind date.
Then the entire Kardashian clan stalked Khlo-ho (Khloe) for Lakers tickets only to be disappointed when Khl0-ho forced them to watch the game at home.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Bruce walks in the front door with a random guy. Bruce asks the guy if he has ever been here before. The guy says no. Bruce says “Welcome to the Taj McKris.”
Bruce – “Leave your manhood at the front door and pick out a striped shirt from that pile over there.”
We learn that Bruce has known Jimmy Miles (so that’s his name) for a long time. In fact, Bruce met Jimmy around the same time he met Goth Ronald.
Bruce is excited to show Jimmy all of the stuff…that isn’t his.
Bruce – “And here is another one of Goth Ronald’s rooms. I can’t go in there because she installed an electric dog fence, and she’s making me wear my collar today.”
Bruce – “This is Goth Ronald’s gym. Here she works on her ham hocks.”
Bruce takes Jimmy to the Goth’s suite. He points out the nude shot of his daughter Fry Girl and shakes his head muttering “I don’t know why we have to have that in here.”
Fetus Mason (while picture was being taken)- “This isn’t art. Demi Moore Vanity Fair = art. Put your clothes on and get your ass to Jack in the Box. Fetus Mason is hungry!!!”
Jimmy replies “It’s art.” Bruce is like “Really?”
Bruce and Jimmy head back downstairs to the Goth’s office. Bruce announces this is where the Great Goth Ronald’s mind works. Jimmy is surprised. He tells Bruce “I thought this was your office.” Bruce goes “Oh because of all my memorabilia.”
Bruce – “Here I am wearing the first ‘Pull-ups’ prototype. I could crap and sprint at the same time.”
Bruce takes Jimmy over to the laundry room and tells him “Here are my golf clubs next to the dog.”
Dog – “Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.”
Next Bruce shows Jimmy the garage which apparently Goth Ronald is currently renovating especially for Bruce. Bruce is excited because it will be his little space, his own man cave.
Jimmy asks “Will you get your own little doggie bed and bowl of water?
Bruce – “No. That’s what the laundry room is for.”
Cue opening credits.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Khlo-ho tells Fry Girl she and Krimace will be back. They have to go to freakin’ Goth Ronald’s and look at her freakin’ garage.
Fry Girl (monotone)- “Have fun.” Khlo-ho – “Oh I will. I’ve got my bumblebee outfit on so everyone had better watch out.”
Enroute to Goth Ronald’s house Khlo-ho realizes she is missing her engagement ring from Lamar.
Khlo-ho – “WTF??? Where is my ring.” Car – “Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road!! You’re crossing the center line!!!”
Khlo-ho thinks she left it at the house. She turns the car around. Khlo-ho has a routine where she takes her ring off when she washes her face. The ring must be near the sink surmises Krimace.
Khlo-ho pulls up in front of the house. She spots Lamar’s car. Khlo-ho tells Krimace Lamar can’t see her ringless. Lamar will freak out.
Inside Lamar, Rob and some guy are having their Harry Potter Book Club meeting in the study.
Rob – “So we have a complete schedule of this year’s Harry Potter midnight screenings for the west and east coast.” Lamar – “Excellent. Do you guys have your costumes?” Rob – “Yeah, most of us do but our group is missing a Grindelwald.” Lamar – “Damn. Do you think we could get Bruce onboard?”
Lamar spots Krimace and yells “Krimace is in the house!!!”
Khlo-ho comes in and kisses Lamar. She tells him she has to go wash her face. Lamar says okay, “Toodles.” Khl0-ho replies “Toodles” too. LOLZ.
Khlo-ho and Krimace go into the bathroom, but they don’t see the ring.
Khlo-ho tells Krimace she has never spent less than 5 minutes with her ring on her finger. Khlo-ho is totally freaking out. She rushes off to look around some more.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Kendall, also sporting stripes, tells Goth Ronald “You’re going to kill me but I don’t want a quesadilla anymore.”
Kendall – “I have the Blue Box Blues. I want Mac & Cheese.”
Goth Ronald – “What are the Blue Box Blues?” Bruce – “What Kendall will have after I get done beating her with a box if she doesn’t eat this dang quesadilla.”
Goth Ronald is like okay let’s move on. Bruce agrees. He’s excited for the unveiling of his garage.
Bruce hopes that the garage has a place for all of his stuff.
Goth Ronald, Bruce, Kendall and Kylie head outside.
Goth Ronald – “Drumroll please. I said drumroll.” Bruce, Kendall and Kylie – “Brrrrrrrrrrr”
The doors open to reveal rows of….refrigerators???
Bruce’s man cave???
The Goth squeals with excitement. She tells everyone there is a place for everything. Ohh so it’s rows of storage closets. I wonder if she has a storage unit for Vicki from ‘Small Wonder?”
Goth Ronald – “Isn’t it gorgeous? It’s so shiny and cold and metallic, just like ME!!”
Bruce – “Goth Ronald, why do you have a stockpile of AB+ blood. Are you planning on kidnapping Eric from TrueBlood? You do know he’s just a character, right?”
Goth Ronald – “Hah Bruce, I don’t know what you’re talking about. However if you do see a Nordic guy walking around here it’s just a foreign exchange student from Kendall’s class.”
Goth Ronald announces this place is beautiful. It’s make her feel awesome to know that she will drive in here and find not one speck of dirt or piece of crap.
Bruce admits Goth Ronald did a great job, but it wasn’t what he was hoping for.
Bruce – “I wanted my own space. All work and no play makes Bruce a dull boy.”
Bruce points out some problems with the garage design and tells Goth Ronald he still has to bring his stuff into the garage.
Goth Ronald is like oh hellz no.
Goth Ronald – “Great. Now Bruce is going to bring his crap into my nice, clean garage and fuck up the place.”
Goth Ronald closes the garage door.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…
Khlo-ho and Krimace are still looking everywhere for the ring.
Krimace asks if she can look in certain drawers or is there porn stuff in there? Khlo-ho replies no I already looked in those drawers.
Krimace announces “Here it…isn’t.” Krimace starts to laugh. Khlo-ho snaps “That’s not funny.”
The phone rings. It’s Goth Ronald.
Goth Ronald wants to know what they’re doing. Khlo-ho, exasperated, yells “Nothing. What are you guys doing?”
Goth Ronald asks if they’re coming over. Khlo-ho yells back “I’m freaking the fuck out over here. I don’t have time to worry about your garage.”
Khlo-ho – “My ring is gone. Krimace – “Yeah, and you’re going to die in 7 days.” Khlo-ho – “No that’s if you watch the tape, Anna Nicole. Gawd.”
Goth Ronald asks “What’s going on?” Khlo-ho gasps “I lost my engagement ring. Goth Ronald is like “You lost your engagement ring?” Khlo-ho replies “I’m going to die and Lamar is downstairs, and I don’t know what to do.”
Goth Ronald – “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
Khlo-ho – “You know what I’M DONE TALKING TO YOU!!!”
Khlo-ho hangs up on Goth Ronald. Krimace tells Khlo-ho don’t worry the ring has to be here somewhere. Krimace has an appointment to go to so she tells Khl0-ho to keep looking and make sure that it’s definitely lost before bringing this drama to Lamar during play-offs.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Bruce is moving his stuff from the laundry room to the garage.
Bruce – “There ya go Helga Helicopter. Your very own spot.”
Bruce opens a drawer to find a ton of perfume.
Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!
Bruce opens another drawer and find a ton of QuickTrim.
Bruce – “Are you ‘serial’?”
Bruce walks over to a cabinet and opens it to find Christmas stuff.
Bruce – “Danny Fucking Kaye White Christmas!!!”
Bruce goes back inside and asks Kylie if she’s seen Goth Ronald. Kylie tells Bruce Goth Ronald just left.
Bruce tells us “I go back into the house and the snake Goth Ronald just snuck out of the house. She’s afraid to confront me.”
Bruce channels his anger into cleaning his beloved helicopter Bertram.
Bruce – “Bertram, I’m gonna make you shine.”
Kendall walks into the kitchen and asks Bruce “What are you doing?”
Bruce – “Cleaning Bertram’s pipes.” Kendall – “Hahaha.” Bruce – “Kendall, get your mind out of the gutter. You’ve been hanging around your sisters too much.”
Kendall asks Bruce “Why are you in here cleaning it?” Bruce replies “Because your mother Goth Ronald kicked me out of the garage.” Kendall tells Bruce “That’s not fair, that’s your space…your little man cave.”
Kendall – “Get your balls back man.” Bruce – “I miss my balls.”
Kendalls suggests they take back some of Goth Ronald’s space. Bruce is like this could be good. He’ll just scatter his stuff around the house.
Bruce – “A helicopter in every room. A Wheaties box on every end table. A copy of Dreamgirls in every DVD player. Viva La Revolution!”
Bruce and Kendall high five. Bruce tells Kendall to leave Bertram right there. Bertram will be the first move in their grand plan.
Bertram – “Bruce, are you sure about this? You better protect me from that goth clown!!!”
Outside Bruce hops on his motorcycle.
Bruce -”Pow Pow Power Wheels! Pow Power Wheels! Power Wheeeeeeeeeeels! Now I’m drivin’ for real!”
Bruce jumps his mini ramp and parks his motorcycle in the foyer. Then he goes back outside and rides his segway into the house.
Bruce – “Just like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Word.”
Father/daughter segway bonding.
Swan Lake: Segway Style.
Bruce tells us Goth Ronald absolutely loves her office so that’s next on their list. Kendall and Bruce take over the Goth’s office.
Suddenly the door opens. It’s Goth Ronald.
Goth Ronald – “WTF!?!?!”
Goth Ronald – “Sonabitch!! Bruce!!!!!!!!!!!! You put a fucking motorcycle in the house!”
Bruce – “She’s home.”
Bruce yells “I’m in my office!!!”
Goth Ronald heads toward the office yelling “Okay psycho. What the hell??”
Jaws music plays.
Goth Ronald yells “You’ve lost your mind.”
Goth Ronald – “See these stripes. I’m about to go Foot Locker on your ass.”
Goth Ronald tells Bruce to pick up his toys and go home.
Bruce – “I am home, Beetlejuice.”
Goth Ronald tells Bruce what about her space? Bruce says what about my space in the garage. Goth Ronald says she built that garage.
Bruce tells the Goth “50/50 in the garage.” Goth Ronald says “No, 90/10.” Bruce says “No.” Goth Ronald negotiates “What about 75/25.” Bruce says “No.”
Bruce – “Lighten up. Here have a bowl of Wheaties.”
Bruce tells us there’s a time in everyone’s life when you have to put your foot down and this is one of those times.
Finally, Goth Ronald caves and says 50/50. Bruce is ecstatic. He tells Kendall she is his witness, and they high five.
Bruce and Kendall – “Earth, Wind, Fire, Heart. Go Planet!!”
Goth Ronald – “Wait. You guys are like toddlers. Take your mess with you!!”
Goth Ronald – “FML.”
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S….
Khlo-ho is still desperately searching for her missing ring. She has taken to searching under the beds.
Khlo-ho – “Shit. There’s a ‘Little Monsters’ portal under here too. Better close that up before we have another Joy Behar Monster incident on our hands.” Mason in the other room – “Damn straight!”
Lamar walks upstairs and asks “What ya doing mama?” Khlo-ho replies – “Nothing.” Lamar asks “What are you looking for?”
Lamar – “Shit! Did you see this ‘Little Monsters’ portal under here?” Khlo-ho – “Yeah, I dealt with one in Miami under Mason’s crib. I know how to take care of it.”
Khl0-ho attempts to distract Lamar with kisses. Lamar gets up. Khlo-ho asks “Where are you going?” Lamar replies “To go play with Rob.”
For once that is okay with Khlo-ho. It buys her some time.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Goth Ronald is still lamenting the loss of control over her house as she carries one of Bruce’s helicopters down the hallway.
Bertram – “Bruce! Help me!” Goth Ronald – “Put a sock in it, Bertram.”
Goth Ronald hands over Bertram to Bruce who is happily straddling his motorcycle in the garage.
Goth Ronald looks over at Bruce’s motorcycle and tells him it can’t stay there. Bruce is like now we’re negotiating parking spaces. Goth Ronald is like yes.
Bruce tells Goth Ronald his motorcycle is 5 percent of his 50 percent of the garage. Apparently Bruce doesn’t get angry very often but he tells us this is one of those times and he is like a dog marking his territory.
Bruce – “And I will lift my leg and piss all over this garage if necessary. I already marked the pool. Pour some Wee-Wee See in there and see what happens.”
Bruce tells Goth Ronald she has taken over this whole house. Goth Ronald is like really. Bruce says “Yeah and it drives me nuts!” Then he starts listing all of the things that the Goth made him give up: house in Tahoe, Porsche, etc.
Bruce – “I’m sick of it!!!”
Kylie opens the door to the garage.
Kylie – “Uh oh.”
Goth Ronald tells Bruce to have a little respect for all of the hard work that she puts into this family. She tells him he has lost his mind and if he loves this garage that much then he can sleep and live in it. And Goth Ronald slams the garage door.
Back inside Kylie goes upstairs and asks Kendall if things are all right with Pa Bruce and Ma Goth.
Kendall – “What were they fighting about?” Kylie – “Helicopters, motorcycles, Metamucil.” Kendall – “Oh. Well, that’s not unusual.”
Kendall brings Kylie up to speed about her brilliant Viva La Revolution plan with Bruce. Now Kendall thinks that Goth Ronald took it the wrong way. Kendall thinks maybe she should go downstairs and say something. Kylie tells her not a good idea.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S…
Rob and Lamar are both shouting “Yo” at each other. Rob comes around the corner and tells Lamar “Yo, Khlo-ho is an idiot.” Rob found Khlo-ho’s ring in the laundry, specifically the washing machine.
Lamar replies “Whoa” just like Joey Lawrence.
The two go into the laundry room, and Rob shows Lamar where he found the ring.
Lamar – “Wow! That’s some Gollum shit.” Rob – “I know. Laundry machine trying to steal Khlo-ho’s ‘precious’.”
Lamar and Rob go back into the kitchen. They realize that’s what Khlo-ho has been searching for.
Lamar – “So was that Joy Behar Monster shit a cover too?” Rob – “No, that was real. Ask Mason.” Mason – “Hey. Can someone free me from my moo moo mobile? I’ve been trapped all episode!!”
Then Lamar and Rob mimic how Khlo-ho always flashes her ring.
Lamar – “Hey girl hey. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got I’m still Khlo-ho from the block.”
Lamar ponders what would happen if he came home without his wedding ring. Rob laughs and tells Lamar he has to discipline his woman.
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
It’s dinner time. Looks like the Goth and kids have already started eating. Bruce walks in and asks did anybody say grace? Bruce says he will. He grabs Kylie and Kendall’s hands and begins.
Bruce – “Dear lord thank you so much for this food and may it give great nutrition to our fearless leader Goth Ronald and her humble servants Kendall, Kylie and Bruce in Jesus’ name we pray amen.”
Goth Ronald – “God bless us everyone.”
Awkward silence as everyone eats and sneaks glances at one another. Finally Bruce breaks the silence. He thinks the salmon is too dry. Goth Ronald replies “I’ll show you some dry salmon.”
Bruce says he’s had enough and is going upstairs. After Bruce leaves the room, Goth Ronald unloads on the girls. She tells them Bruce is being so childish. Suddenly there are foot steps. Goth Ronald asks the girls “Is he walking in?” as Bruce enters the kitchen from the otherside.
Bruce asks “So you’re talking behind my back.” Goth Ronald sweetly replies “No, we’re not talking behind your back baby.”
Goth Ronald – “Grrrrrr”
Goth Ronald tells Bruce “We’re trying to sit down and eat dinner as a family and you’re being a baby and refusing to eat.”
Bruce – “I’m eating just not with you, Beetlejuice.”
Goth Ronald tells us Bruce is taking this battle to a whole other level, and she’s starting to resent it.
As Goth Ronald cleans up the kitchen, Kendall hangs behind. Goth Ronald snaps “What are you looking at?”
Kendall runs from the room.
LATER THAT NIGHT AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Bruce heads to the laundry room and grabs some pillows and sheets. He turns around to find Kendall standing there. Bruce asks Kendall “What are you doing?” Kendall asks Bruce the same question.
Bruce – “Going to sleep in my garage man cave.”
Bruce tells Kendall to go to bed. Everything will be fine. Don’t worry. The camera then zooms in on the dog.
Dog – “Danny isn’t here, Mrs. Torrance.”
Kendall goes room to room looking for Goth Ronald. She finally finds her and tells Goth Ronald “You never answer when I call for you. Maybe I should call you mom.” Goth Ronald replies, “No, Goth Ronald is fine.”
Goth Ronald – “I also answer to your Fearless Leader.”
Kendall tells Goth Ronald she shouldn’t be mad at Bruce because he isn’t the only one who planned all that stuff. Kendall says she’s sorry, and that she and Kylie are really worried about the Goth and Bruce fighting.
Goth Ronald tells Kendall they’re not going to split up. The Goth says she and Bruce have been married for 20 years. People argue about stuff.
The Goth says it makes her feel really sad that Kendall took all this guilt upon herself and made it feel like it was her fault.
Goth Ronald – “I don’t need premature aging for Kendall. She has modeling gigs coming up.”
Goth Ronald tells Kendall to come over and give her a hug.
Goth Ronald Fruit Striped Gum Hug.
Goth Ronald is like okay that’s enough. My shoulder is numb. Kendall smiles and says that’s what she was aiming for.
AT KHLO-HO AND LAMAR’S HOUSE…
Rob and Lamar sit down with pints of ice cream. Lamar tells Rob he thinks he needs to start watching his weight. He thinks he’s getting a little pouch.
Rob – “We’ll just get fat free and limit the number of appetizers we order when we have our Harry Potter lunch meetings.” Lamar – “That reminds me. This month’s lunch theme is Mad-Eye Moody. We need to do a Twitter update.” Rob – “On it.”
Khlo-ho walks in the doorway as Rob is asking how much Lamar weighs. Rob turns to Khlo-ho and asks if she got a manicure today. Khlo-ho says no.
Lamar – “Oooo here it comes!”
Lamar tells Khlo-ho that her hands look nice. Khlo-ho tells them to stop staring at her hands. Lamar looks at Khlo-ho and ask her “Do you know what this blanket means?” Then he and Rob hold up the blanket and hide behind it and pretend to make the images speak.
Lamar – “Hey, good looking. Whatcha got cooking.” Rob – “Shake n’ Bake.”
Lamar – “Hey Khlo-ho, Sept. 27 do you want to hang out with me forever?” Rob – “Sure just give me a wedding ring, and I’ll say I do. I promise.”
Lamar – “You better always wear your fucking wedding ring.”
Rob – “I can’t find my fucking wedding ring. Baby don’t be mad.”
Lamar – “Oh that’s what it is. That’s why you’ve been acting funny.”
Lamar and Rob – “Ah!!” Khlo-ho – “Okay. Where is the ring?”
Lamar wants to know what happened. Did Khlo-ho lie? Khlo-ho stutters and says she doesn’t know. Lamar sing-songs that Khlo-ho is a liar. Khlo-ho pleads for her ring back. She wants to know where they found it. Rob says the washing machine. Khlo-ho is like shut up!
Khlo-ho gets her ring back and kisses Lamar who says “You like black guys so much your mouth tastes like BBQ.”
Lamar – “K.C. Masterpiece to be exact.”
AT THE JENNER HOUSE…
Bruce is topping off the air in his air mattress.
Bruce – “Thank god for those years in an iron lung. This baby took a lot of air.”
Goth Ronald feels bad and goes downstairs to the garage and tells Bruce she feels lonely. She fills him in on Kylie and Kendall’s fears about getting a divorce. Bruce says that’s okay he’ll just stay out here in the garage.
Goth Ronald says well then she’ll sleep out here with Bruce too and climbs into bed with him. Bruce sighs “How sweet.”
Bruce – “Like camping but in the garage.” Goth Ronald – “Let’s see if you can still pitch a tent.”
Bruce tells us he held his ground and got half of the garage but the best thing is Goth Ronald apologized first.
Next time on “Keeping Up…”, episode entitled “The Body Guard”: Khlo-ho teaches Lamar how to swim, Fry Girl thinks she might be pregnant and Krimace has a hot new body guard.
“The Body Guard” will air Mon., Sept. 6 so you guys will be treated to two back-to-back episode recaps this week. Look for “The Body Guard” recap and hopefully more Mason (missed him in this past episode) on Wednesday.