Keeping Up the Kardashians: Bruce’s Pants Get Tight

Well it’s time for the season finale of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. At least I think it is. I mean, the show never explicitly said it wasn’t, so I’m taking that as a positive sign. Read on to discover just how everyone learns their lesson and comes to appreciate life (which is what happens in season finales, right?) for the rest of the day before returning to being ungrateful bastards.

How can I not get laid tonight ?

This episode starts of just about as contrived as all other episodes. Kim is talking on the phone to Reggie and he’s telling her about his MRI and how he’s out for the season. So, obviously this is during football season. But, I think we’ve been jumping around a lot this year, so who really cares when it was? I’m not really sure, but I guess the point of the whole scene is just so Khloe can tell Reggie she knows about all the kinky things he does with Kim, and Kim just squeals and giggles and tries to wrestle the phone away. That was the intro this week.

This situation would so not be reversed.

Because that was boring, I’m going to comment on the opening sequence. Kris is wearing some serious boots, but she looks pretty frumpy in her “trying to be youthful” dress. Meanwhile, Khloe is taller than Bruce. She won’t let being 6’8″ stop her from wearing eight inch heels. And look like more of a whore than any of her whorish sisters (I don’t consider the young ones whores).

Speaking of the whorish sisters, the three of them are doing some photoshoot for some shit you don’t care about or magazine you don’t read. Oh, excuse me. It’s for OK! Magazine. I take back everything awful I said about it. They’ve finally made it! Break out the champagne!

You know what’s so entirely totally random? The fact that Kim brings up Reggie’s celebrity pool tournament in New Orleans AT THE PHOTOSHOOT. I mean think of the odds. It’s gotta be like a million to one. We’re really lucky that they totally caught this on camera. Also Reggie wants the girls to play in it. Kim then lists off some valid celebrities who are at least famous for something, and apparently the girls consider themselves in that class of celebrity as well. Or possibly higher, I’m not really sure. But the girls are totes excited!

OMG you’re almost as big as Mini Lohan

And just like that the girls are in New Orleans. Or N’awlans for the locals (or posers like myself). Or that place where that hurricane hit that they deserved because of all the debauchery, for our Republican friends.

While the girls are down there, Bruce decides to call up Kourtney. You see, he’s got the house to himself and Kris, and he just filled his Cialis prescription. He can wait for the right moment with Cialis. He tells us it’s time for a romantic, erotic time with his wife. Thank God he included erotic in that sentence. Because my dinner wasn’t on its way up fast enough. He got roses and a chef, so he’s pretty set for some marital-boning.

Well, wouldn’t you know it, that EXACT SAME day Kris gets a call while she’s working at Smooch, which, if I remember correctly, is the store where you can dress your little girls like whores, as opposed to Dash, where you can dress your barely legal daughter like a whore. And who’s on the phone? Cici, only Kris’s favorite cousin, and she’s on her way up from Houston. Kris is excited because she’ll have Cici all to herself for the weekend. But, uh-oh, Bruce has a romantic weekend planned. Do I smell hijinks? You bet you’re ass I do.

You know, Reggie Bush does some pretty great shit for New Orleans, but inviting his whore girlfriend and her fame-whore sisters (and Rob) was not one of his better ideas. Also, what is Khloe’s deal? She’s wearing a dress, and it’s pretty short, obviously. But even Kim and Kourtney are dressed pretty conservatively. And this is, like, February in New Orleans (which is actually nowhere near when the opening sequence took place), so it’s probably pretty cold. Why is she the most whoriest Kardashian here? Or, at least dressed like it?

Bing-bong at the Jenner household. The guest chef shows up in his tuxedo, and he looks like he’s about 16. And Bruce is saying some very vulgar things about porking his wife. Ok, maybe not, but Bruce makes it pretty obvious he’s trying to get Kris Jenner’s panties off. He also talks about setting the mood, which we can all take pleasure in. Why? Because we know Cici is going to ruin it all unknowingly, and Bruce has no idea! Hijinks!

No way I can fail.

The girls all go to Cafe Du Monde, and they’re enjoying some beignets of course. Khloe starts rambling about Reggie’s party, and she really isn’t saying anything at all, just making noise and no points. But I understand why, because suddenly, and this is all organic, a “fan” comes up and asks for a picture with them. Just one fan. Khloe was obviously waiting for this chick to come in, and Khloe’s rambling was her cue. Anyways, this “fan” is actually from New Orleans, and her mother is there with her. Of course, because locals always frequent the tourist attractions. The mom comes up and these two are asked to be the “tour guide” for the girls. This is all so natural, it’s amazing.

Random poor people fans and possible stalkers? We’re all yours!

The girls and Rob all go driving with the “fan” (Marisa) in tow, and Kourtney is driving because they don’t trust the local trash with their luxury SUV rental. They drive to the 9th Ward and see all the destruction. You guys, this is like such a surreal moment for the girls who know exactly what it’s like to get caught in a hurricane. A hurricane of undeserved fame. They decide to go in one of the houses (and Marisa’s mom, Lisa, randomly shows up).

Lisa talks about what happened to her house, and then they all drive back to see the FEMA trailer they now live in, and their condemned house that it’s right next to. I know we’d all like to believe the girls would gain some humility or something out of this, but I’m totally calling bullshit. I mean, maybe they’ll feel bad for the rest of the day, but then they’ll forget about it.

Well, after seeing the trailer and how small it is and everything, Kourtney gains some humanity. She asks the girls and Rob outside and says they should help the family get furniture. Yeah, jam some more furniture in that tiny little trailer you were just saying was too small. Also, the girls don’t want to give TOO much, so Kim is going through Reggie’s charities and seeing what she can get.

So she’s on the phone, and she sounds really surprised and what one place is going to offer her. And when I say really surprised, I mean she sounds like she already knows what they’re going to say before the actual phone call takes place. If she’s even talking to anyone on the phone. Back inside, Khloe says there’s one more place they want to go, and they round up the entire family.

You guys should totally get a Playstation.

Poor Bruce. Cici and Kris come home and he’s got everything clean, looking for some lovin, and this is what he gets. A houseguest. The three eat dinner and drink champagne, all while the chef stands in the background. In his tux. This doesn’t look odd to you Kris? Also, Bruce is being left out of the conversation. Not that he really wants to be in it, because they’re talking about shopping and designers and shit. But a topic of conversation that he had some input and didn’t put him to sleep isn’t too much to ask. So Bruce excuses himself to bed. Looks like it’s Lubriderm for one tonight. sad trombone

Back in Nawlins, Kourtney pulls up to the final stop on the tour of the town, and it’s a furniture store! Lisa gets out and tries to act as surprised as she can, since she has probably been aware of this for a while. I’m actually guessing that Reggie Bush had way more to do with this than any of the Kardashians, and one of his charities probably put the girls in touch with this family or something. That’s besides the point; something nice is being done for someone other than themselves. Not only that, but the furniture store is going to hold the furniture for the family until their house is complete.

That night, everybody goes to dinner with their new New Orleans friends, and they’re at some place that looks pretty nice, as Rob sits there in his USC track jacket. Lisa is gushing (kind of) about how great it is that she’s gotten this help, and then Kim tells us there’s one more surprise. Out of nowhere someone comes out from the other room and says “Hi!” But we can’t see!? Who is it?! Not a commercial! The cliffhanger is too powerful! As if there’s any bigger star than the Kardashians anyways.

Valerie Bertenelli, what are you doing here?

Oh. It was Kim saying hi. But the surprise is Reggie Bush! Yeah, I’m pretty sure this was his thing all along. But whatever, let them take some credit for it or something. Anyways, everybody loves it, especially Marisa who has wet her pants. Reggie says he’ll get the family some tickets to some Saints games too. Luckily for them he didn’t mean this past season. Zing! Sports burn!

The next morning after Bruce went to bed by himself and couldn’t pwn his wife, he decides to spill the beans about his romantic evening to Cici. She seems pretty apologetic about it, and that’s that. Bruce then goes on a bike ride, and Cici calls for Kris. Way to keep a secret Cici. She spills the beans to Kris, and then she says that she’ll take the girls for the weekend and Kris and Bruce can get away to take advantage of that Cialis!

Hey, remember when Kim was bitching about not having her Bentley as soon as she got to the car dealer? I wonder if that was before or after this whole New Orleans trip. She’s supposedly totally put things into perspective now and the girls are all totally happy and thankful with where they are in life and they’ll never complain ever. Bullshit.

…and world peace.

So, um, I think that’s the season finale. There’s a special about deleted scenes and outtakes or something, but that’s going to be boring. So what did you think about the episode, and the season as a whole? Do you think the charity thing the girls did was legit (you are more than welcome to disagree with me)? What was Rob’s role in New Orleans? Do you think the Saints have a chance this year? Would you consider New Orleans one of your favorite cities, which is what Kourtney said?