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At this point in the Keeping Up With the Kardashians, there is absolutely nothing I can tell you that happened in the episode that would surprise you. I won’t even waste your time.
My boob itches.
*This recap is not safe for work, because Kim Kardashian is a whore. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This episode begins with the three eldest Kardashian sisters sitting around, doing what probably 90% of their lives consist of: staring at themselves in the mirror. Kim tells them of her quandary. Her one year anniversary is coming up with Reggie Bush and she doesn’t know what to get him! Like OMG, he’s totes gonna break up with her if she doesn’t get him the perfect gift. I really enjoy assuming that this relationship is all one-sided and that Reggie has no idea any sort of anniversary is coming up. Also he could give two shits about Kim, which is still probably about two more than she’s worth. But I digress.
Kourtney suggests a watch, while Khloe suggests a leopard. You can tell she’s put a lot of thought into her suggestion because she hasn’t taken her eyes or her hands off her fucking bangs the entire time. We get it. You think you’re hot. Or you think your work will result in hotness. Go ahead and keep that charade up. Kim rejects all of their ideas and decides to make him a personal calendar. Yeah, just want he wants, to look at you all the time. He could put that on his phone. Or his computer wallpaper. Or buy a video. Or a Playboy.
So that means it’s time to get into shape for a photoshoot! The girls show up to American Laser Center or something, a title I didn’t pay attention to aside from the word laser (Khloe is sans bangs suddenly, just to point out). Interesting name for a gym, right? Well, Kim works out all the time, but she does have a little bit of cellulite. So that’s zap that shit away.
I was hoping she had to have regular back hair removal or something.
Khloe is quick to point out all the spots where Kim could use it on her legs, noting even the side of the legs. God, if Khloe doesn’t pick out everyone’s flaws while ignoring her own. Anyways, then it’s time for some customary ass shots while Kim is getting this done. I’ve noticed that she has an affinity for leopard prints, which, isn’t that reserved for women over 40? Pretty odd.
For some reason, later that night or something, Khloe and Kourtney are sitting around Kris and Bruce’s house and they’re talking about Scott. Apparently he got a job offer! Wow, he’s really moving up. Maybe he can even work, *gasp*, part time! Bruce wanders out wanting to know what they’re talking about, and then he kind of makes a snide comment about Scott getting a real job. I think it’s as a car salesman, so decide for yourself if that is a real job. Normally I would say yes, but in this case I’ll say fuck Scott.
But the girls don’t think Bruce has any room to talk. Hey, girls, fuck you, why don’t you win an Olympic gold and then get endorsement money forfuckingever. In addition to that shit, Bruce also does motivational speeches and promotions and stuff. Kris thinks it would be a great idea for the girls to go with, since they’re so fucking protected in their lives. Kourtney says “why, we own two businesses. I own two businesses,” as she eyes Khloe. Nuh-uh sis, not today. They’re my businesses. Yeah, and I’m sure her business acumen is second to none.
How the hell have I ended up here?
Now it’s time for Kim to take her newly cellulite-free ass and stomach to her calendar photoshoot. So she’s getting all her shots done or whatever, and guess who shows up: Golden Girls star Bea Arthur! Totally unexpected E! This time you literally did surprise me.
Meh, actually Reggie shows up. Kim is all surprised, like she didn’t tell him exactly where she was going today and probably what time to show up. She hopes the surprise won’t be ruined though, as he thinks she’s just shooting for some whore magazine. Wow, this will be the best present ever. You mean he gets to see the calendar be made, then look at it all the time?! Wow, this is too much Kim Kardashian. You are so incredibly generous, and not vain in any way whatsoever.
While Reggie is watching the shoot, supposedly he’s getting uncomfortable with how sexy it is. Kim thinks it’s cute, and little does he know the surprise is for him only! Well, that and everyone watching this fucking show. Which is actually probably just me. But pretty much anyone with, as mentioned before, Playboy subscription, or an erotic DVD collection, or with any ability to use the internet whatsoever could find these pictures and much, much, much more of Kim. So, in conclusion, your girlfriend recorded herself having sex and it was released. Get over it Bush.
Most artistic cooze shot ever. Is this shot seriously on TV?
The next week, Bruce shows up “early” in the morning at Khloe and Kourtney’s place. I say early because I can see early being 12:00p.m. for these chicks. Anyways, it’s the day of his speech and he’s picking them up. So a mere 6 hours after makeup and prepping, they’re all out the door.
OMFG you guys, there’s totes gonna be some hijinks! God I hate how insulting this show is to my intelligence. And I only have a little of it. Kris shows up to one of hers/her daughters’ stores, and there’s mail for Kim. Duh, might as well open it even though she’s nowhere around but luckily the cameras are there. Kris sees the calendar and is wowed. But she’s also confused. She doesn’t remember Kim mentioning it before, but she must have, because why else would it be done? So Kris says she doesn’t want Kim to think she dropped the ball as her assistant or manager or ego-stroker, whatever the fuck she is. I can barely contain my excitement at all of the ensuing hilarity!
I‘m sorry. I’ve been a bad mother and a bad manager. Can I have some money to go shopping? Kisses!
But back to Bruce and those girls. They’re going to a cocktail party that he’s required to do before his speech, which is the next day. Bruce tells them to be on their best behavior. But they’re not going to. Because they’re paid not to, you see? I’m just going to assume everyone is going to be an actor there. I forgot to point out Kourtney referred to her and Khloe as “business people.” Khloe is saying all these things she’ll say if someone talks shit to her. But, uh, sweetheart, these people have real money. Not inheritance money. And they could probably buy your stupid little retail store.
Ok, I take it back. They’re not real business people, just random people in some club or something. The night is pretty uneventful, and what is made to look like funny hijinks looks like some forced attempt at comedy. Forced and failed attempt I should say. Bruce is faux-mad, but probably sincerely annoyed. He suggests that the girls don’t come to his actual presentation. But where would the hilarity be in the Bruce?
Well, the next day the girls had to get up really early. They had to have hair and makeup done by 6:45, so I’m guessing that puts them around the 3:00a.m. wakeup time. And, they still aren’t ready on time, they’re 18 minutes late. But they’ve totally had a rough week of sleeping in and doing jack shit, so they’re really exhausted. They needed that sleep. So they could have more energy when they laid around doing nothing.
Speaking of big asses, Khloe has a giant one and that dress is not flattering in it. Anyways, the speech is at a luxury car dealer, and Bruce is announced and then is driven in in some BMW. Just to point out, I paused my DVR and some lady with a microphone is wearing some serious Fuck Me Boots. And she’s about, oh, 20 years and a good haircut away from looking like she should be wearing them. Somebody knew the camera would be on her. It’s like that time I wore a dress when I went to the same place the Girls Next Door were. Hey, who’s that creepy weird dude wearing a dress? I don’t know, but he deserves camera time!
Kim’s not the only one who can bag a submissive jock!
Finally let me get to the speech. If I had one perfectly specific adjective for it, it would be: “good.” Actually it’s a fine speech and you can tell Bruce has tons of experience giving motivational speeches. But, apparently his retarded step-children, or at least Khloe, is surprised. Who would have thought that someone who’s probably been doing this for at least 25 years or so (whenever the Wheaties money started thinning out) would be good at it? I’m possibly more in disbelief than Khloe! Only because I have a diagnosed learning disorder!
Are you a gullible person? Do you just believe what people tell you to without question? Even if this is the case, you would easily see through this show’s bullshit. Have I mentioned that enough? So, duh, Kim is enjoyed coffee by herself and she gets a call from Rob. Where is Rob? Some bookstore/newsstand, and he’s laughing because there’s Kim’s calendar! You see, it was released, and Kim had no idea whatsoever! That’s, like, totes for reals you guys! And completely possible!
So, Kim tells Rob to buy all of the calendars. Of course. Because I’m sure it hasn’t been released nationwide or anything. Also, I thought the pictures in it looked familiar, but I’m pretty positive they were released online last week. Or a few weeks ago. Or who cares.
Kim tracks down Kris, and asks where the calendars have been distributed. Kris rattles off six places or so, for now. Kim is angry. Because it was her special gift for Reggie. She should have just saved her time and made him a sex tape. Kim doesn’t like Kris’s argument, so she stomps off, probably to “go” try to “buy” the “rest” of the “calendars.” And sure enough, she is. I like the thought of there being no distribution fees or anything, and then they didn’t sell them to stores, who then mark up the prices. So it’s totally believable that Kim has to pay full price for her own fucking calendar, thus losing her money in the process. Shit, sorry guys, let me turn my common sense back off.
Hey Kim! It’s Rob! I just jerked off to your pic again! Congrats! You’re a star!
Oops, let me leave it on for a second. Rob and Kim go together rather than spread out and cut time in half. Kim also says out loud “it’s so embarrassing.” Yeah, it’s really embarrassing to have your face all over you vapid fame-whore. What would be embarrassing would be buying all the copies of your sex tape. But maybe if you ignore it it’s not really there.
Kim says at some point in there that she doesn’t know how she’s going to get Kris back, but she will. Back at the house, Kris bitches to either Kendall or Kylie about how Kim gets her down. Preaching to the choir Kris. Whoever the daughter is she’s talking to has no response to make Kris feel better though. Actually, I take that back. She repeatedly bounces her head into Kris’s boob, saying, “Your boob is really squishy.” Note to self: practice new method for helping chicks feel better.
Kim comes home and bitches to Kris. Because really that’s about all she ever does to Kris. She tells her that if one other person bought any calendars, then the gift for Reggie is ruined. But I’m relatively confident you can find that stupid calendar for sale somewhere anyways, so who cares. We see Kim call Reggie and he says he loves the present and he was totally surprised. He also says it’s hanging on his refrigerator as we speak. He sounds totally grateful too. Grateful like “wow, thanks for something I already saw and was actually way better in person. I’m glad you’re not vain.”
Remember when Kim said she would get Kris back? I don’t blame you if you don’t, I think I was in some sort of coma when I actually was typing about it. But last season, Kris was in a racy photoshoot that Kim set up for her. So Kim blackmails Kris, saying for $5000, she can have the picture back. She totally went through with it! Isn’t this show awesome?
I want my own calender! No fair!
It appears that I’ve been had, because I thought/hoped this week would be the last episode of the season. But apparently that is not the case. Unfortunately. Anyways, what did you think of the episode? Did you believe any of it? Are Kris’s boobs really that squishy?