Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Charlie’s Angels Minus the Self-Respecting One

This week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the girls learn how to grill, they actually follow through with something that came up earlier in the season, and Rob makes an appearance. Unfortunately I watched the show so I know that two of those things didn’t happen, but it really doesn’t matter which.

If this doesn’t scare you into fighting for gun control, nothing will.

This week’s episode starts off with Khloe getting a kall from a konkerned klerk at Dash. Apparently some weird dude is trying to vandalize the store. What an idiot. If you’re going to vandalize a store, you better be crazy fucked up on some mind-altering drugs. But you still want to be incognito. Even I know that and it’s been weeks since I’ve vandalized anything.

Also, do you guys think that this whole thing was just made up? Because she should have called the cops first. And I find it hard to believe someone would just come mid-day and fuck up a store anyone was in. And then leave. Anyways, Khloe gets there and asks what happened. We see security camera footage, but that doesn’t really make it any more believable for me. Khloe with all her wisdom kalls 911 and the cops are on their way.

What do you mean, you don’t have this in a 14? You’ll paaaaay!

This show is so lazy in its contrivance. I don’t think that makes sense, but I hope you get what I mean. The cop shows up, and we hear sirens wailing even though he parks quietly and his lights aren’t on. The kop comes in, asks a few questions. I can’t decide if he was a real policeman or not because they tried to avoid showing his face too much, but they did show it. So that makes me think they were making just enough effort to make it seem real, but it wasn’t. Anyways, he gets a little information and says he’ll drive around looking for the perp.

Kim goes to meet Rob and she’s got fabulous news for him. A friend of hers who runs a model agency thinks Rob would be an amazing model. Rob says, “No, I can’t be a model.” Then he says, “Well if it’s a good model agency.” That took so much konvinking from Kim. Rob tells us since his girlfriend is in India, he might as well do something to keep him busy. But I thought he was taking some sort of classes. Don’t those keep him busy? Doesn’t being on the outer-edges of famous keep you busy? This dude is hard to please. And then, wouldn’t you know it, he says he’ll do it as long as it doesn’t interfere with school.

Remember the vandalism that just occurred a second ago before they introduced the second story arc? Khloe calls home and Kris answers. She sounds not at all surprised or worried about the situation, and she calmly and almost in a monotone tells Khloe to go inside Smooch, their other store, and lock the doors. Yeah, because I’m sure the dude is just dying to vandalize another Kardashian-owned store. In fact, I’m drooling just thinking about the opportunity as well. Can’t fall off the wagon…

Back to Rob. Seriously, they don’t even break at a good part in either arc to go show the other one. This show is fantastic. Anyways, this must be some high-class modeling agency because this guy saw pictures of Rob on Kim’s Myspace! That’s like some real scouting there. I wonder if he friended her also. But they take some polaroids of him, including shirt-off for the ladies, and the agent wants to set Rob up for a test shoot.

Stop cruising MySpace for hot young boys, creep.

Bruce asks what they’re going to do about the vandalism that took place earlier, and Khloe has a plan of action.

She made an appointment for the three K’s and Lily (the abused klerk) for self-defense klasses. This doesn’t seem like a prime opportunity to put them in that setting at all. Kris likes the idea, but wants more done, I think. Anyways, Bruce asks who the toughest girl is, and Both Khloe and Kourtney say they are. Bruce, talking sans microphone for some reason, says that Kourtney is the meanest, Khloe is the toughest, and Kim is the most useless. Or maybe I said that. But that ass…

The next day is Rob’s photoshoot. They do some normal clothes shots that seem to go well, then they strip him down, and I guess things are still going well. The agent then tells Rob that they got an email about a job in Japan, so would Rob be interested? I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how the modeling world works. I will not question it at all.

This self-defense class is going to be one hot mess. The first thing they do is stick out their ass, and they zoom in on Kim’s ass like 200 times. It was pretty awesome. Or should I say asssome. Actually asstastic. Anyways, they practice some other shit, then bring out the dummy to kick his ass. What a great montage of activity. I’m glad this only lasted for about a minute.

Bruce asks the girls what they learn, so Khloe drags him out to practice on her. But there’s a problem. The moves don’t work on Bruce. What a hilarious turn of events this is! I hope this doesn’t lead to the girls getting some newfangled security system that they can’t work, which leads to hilarious consequences. Kris walks in (there’s a lot of screaming, but that’s probably a normal occurrence there), and says she’s got a surprise for the girls (since their class sucked) and she’ll have it for them tomorrow at 8. Please, please be high-tech security system.

Kim and Rob go to dinner and she asks him how his shoot went, and Rob says he’s considering a career, at least on the side. Kim asks him about school, and he says he’ll drop out if he has to go to another country. I wish I could make such rational decisions. I dropped out of school hoping I would get a modeling contract. But what would an education, a degree, and being hirable provide me? Nothing my rich parents couldn’t give me for absolutely nothing. If only my parents were rich, things would have worked out.

It’s time for Kris’s surprise for the girls, and I was unfortunately wrong. She’s taking them to a gun range. You guys, Kim is nervous! She’s such a human being. Kris says the visual of her fashion-forward daughters is comical and very Charlie’s Angels. Then for no reason Kris asks if the girls can shoot the big guns. Of course this is all very applicable to the situation, and RETARDED. Why doesn’t Lily get a gun? The girls decide to not get a gun for now, and Khloe doesn’t want any guns around where her little sisters occasionally hang out. I was actually taken aback by the common sense just displayed. It was like someone kicked me in the balls.

A chainsaw, maybe?

Rob wants everyone gathered around, and Kris asks what it could be for. Kourt says it may be about his new modeling career, which neither Bruce nor Kris seem to know about. Well, Rob got booked for the job in Japan, and he’s decided he’s doing it. He also says he talked to his advisors and everyone to let them know he would be gone for a while. Kris immediately responds that he is not dropping out of school. Both Rob and Kim pipe up that the opportunity is great. The Khloe asks Kim if she’s ok because she seems to be enkouraging Rob to drop out of USC.

Bruce tells us that before Robert Sr. died, Rob promised he’d finish, and Bruce says they’re going to make sure that happens. And he’s also going to make sure to continue boning his ex-wife. Kris is vehemently against this, and I think it’s awesome. And she also says that she’s disappointed that Kim is supporting such an awful decision. She even goes so far as to say that she’s disappointed in everything about Kim except that ass. Rob says he’s going to pack and walks out. They should stop paying his tuition when he fails at modeling.

Kourtney, Khloe and Rob are having lunch, and she says she had a dream that he decided to not be a model and stay in school, to which he tells her that it was a false dream. He changes the subject to the Dash vandal, and the girls don’t care to tell him because he won’t be around. Rob says he appreciates his sisters trying to help him make the decision, but he says he needs to talk to someone who knows more about it.

You dial on the other side, model.

Someone like a Cheetah Girl. So he calls her to discuss going to Japan. I would have thought that, I don’t know, she would have been one of the first people he discussed it with. She tells him to pull his head out of his ass and wait until he graduates. He responds that his looks may not be around, and I tell him that he needs to get off his fucking high horse.

Rob comes up with a great idea since the girls don’t want a security guard, and he brings Scott, Kourtney’s boyfriend, in on it as well. What’s that great idea you don’t even care to ask? They’re going to go fake-rob the store to teach the girls a lesson. He got ski masks! They won’t be able to tell it’s people so close to them at all.

It works out perfectly that all three girls are at the store, and it’s after hours because they have lots of paperwork to do. All of this is entirely believable. As soon as they walk in, Khloe recognizes Scott. What an idiot. At least he wasn’t wearing the same blue sweater he was wearing earlier though. Kim looks like hell by the way. But so does Khloe. So maybe this wasn’t as contrived as I thought, otherwise they would absolutely be wearing makeup if they knew they would be on camera.

The girls are angry that the guys did this, but then they’re touched because they care so much about the girls safety. Are these people in high school? This is retarded. A fake robbery by your brother is what gets you off the shnide to get security? Fuck that. So the girls decide they’ll get security guards. It’s going to fucking look like Tiffany’s in there, which is good because the quality is exactly the same.

Shoulda bought that gun. That ending would have been way better.

Kim asks Rob why he’s even still in America because he’s supposed to be in Japan. How convenient is it that he decided to stay?! He makes it sound like he did it for his sisters rather than doing it to not be a retard, but whatever the reason, at least it was the right choice. Is that me finding something redeeming to this episode? I seriously can’t even tell anymore.

So that’s the episode, everybody is happy and everybody is doing something they were reluctant to to make someone else happy. What did you think? Was there really some sort of vandalism? What happened with the police officer, did he find the dude who did it? Was Rob really offered a job in Japan? Shouldn’t he be in India or something?