Keeping Up With The Kardashians : Free Khloe

Hi there Gasmi! It’s me Cherie. Don’t know who I am? Yeah well me neither. When Flipit asked if I wanted to do this show I was hesitant, after all, I do have standards. Turns out very LOW standards so here I is! Welcome to my version of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I have to admit, I’ve only seen a few other episodes from seasons past. I’d try to watch but then Bruce’s scary ass melted face would come on the screen and make me remember my icky Uncle Ray who used to take his teeth out and chase me with them. Oh well, childhood trauma be damned, I have a job to do.

We start out with Kim and Khloe coming back to Kris’s house after vacationing in Australia. Seriously people, were there no other letters available when naming these kids? Anyhoodle, they are looking at pictures from the trip when this one makes my day.

Australian hero.

It seems Kim was attacked, attacked I say, by a fierce and ferocious koala bear. Hmmmm….that starts with a “k” also…..what could it MEANNNNNN?

Then Khloe tells Mommy Kris that she got kicked out of her D.U.I. classes. And she giggles. Cut to scenes from two years ago when Khloe tells us, she did something stupid. It was the anniversary of her dad’s death so she got snockered and then attempted to drive and was busted! Khloe says she feels bad that she is putting everyone through this.

Oops.

Mom asks how you get kicked out of a D.U.I class. My guess is drinking is probably frowned on. (I was only trying to be sociable and bring some for everyone in the class) Oh wait she got kicked out because she missed 2 classes because she was in Australia.

Mom of the Decade says “Well if you are ok you should probably go take one.” Khloe explains that she has to have a court date first . As she’s yacking about this she has a bottle of wine in her hands and is reading the label. “Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch some more.” Kris says “A wine after your own heart.

Kim tells her to chug it and then she puts it up to Kris’ mouth and she makes a gross chugging noise. Khloe says gross and then asks her if that’s the noise she makes when giving Bruce head? Hold a sec………(baaaaaaaaaarrrrrffffffffff)

Huh?

Kris tells her to go handle her business and then Meltyface Bruce comes in. Khloe says “The sex master is here.” He looks around all confused. Just by the by, what the hell is up with Kris face? She’s starting to look like a Cabbage Patch doll. Oh wait that should be KabbagePatch doll.

KabbagePatch

Later Khloe and a friend who’s name doesn’t start with a “K” are driving and Khloe tells her she just has to get an extension and they will be done. Sure. Off to the courthouse. It seems Mr. Judge was in no mood for excuses and Khloe tells us that he considers her job a luxury and there’s no excuse for why she got kicked out of the class. Wait a sec, she has a job?

Mom could you bake me a cake with a file in it?

Oops Khloe is going to the big house! For 30 days! Which will translate into about what, three minutes? How will she ever survive? And what is she gonna tell mommy KabbagePatch?

Apparently she tells KabbagePatch that yes indeedy she is off to jail. No biggie. KabbagePatch starts freaking out because to her and most humans, going to jail kinda sux. I guess Khloe needs some new friends and FaceBook wasn’t cutting it cause she seems to think it’s nothing. Or she watches the news, you know, Entertainment Tonight, and knows that she’s not going to be there for any longer than it takes MeltyFace Bruce to say “Huh?”

Her Mom’s like “Wah what about me?” and Khloe is all “No wah wah what about me?” “Khloe hangs up on KabbagePatch because she is like, stressing her! Her friend who’s name does not start with a “K” says “Khloe you are WRONG!”

MeltyFace Manor

Back at MeltyFace Manor, KabbagePatch wonders how on earth MeltyFace Bruce is going to react. Oh my heavens, what shall I say what shall I do? Shut it Skarlett. Turns out MeltyFace is all “Congratulations, high five!” KabbagePatch is not amused. But I am.

I promise I’ll be good, please don’t make me go back to the basement.

Seriously KabbagePatch? Do you really expect him to be surprised by anything your kids do? Hello sex tapes anyone? He’s probably relieved it’s jail and not some underground snuff film involving the homeless.

Poor KabbagePatch tells us that they are being so casual about it but as a Mom it just weighs heavily on her. And she sniffles. MeltyFace tells us that she’s a good kid and he can guarantee that she never makes that mistake again. Oh I see, he’s a drinker too. Poor delusional thing.

Later at Dash, the clothing store that the three K’s run, wait I have to giggle. Um, has anyone ever seen an actual customer in that store? I think it’s a front and they just sell Kim’s big ass sex tapes out the back. Anyway, Khloe is reading from the internetwebbie thing, and she’s shocked at the stories being told about her. Like how she has to go to jail because she has a DUI and………..uh isn’t that like all true? And they have a pic of her chugging a drink.

Lies all lies!

She tells us they are saying she’s an alcoholic and needs rehab. You know really bizarre out there stories.

At Khloe and Kourtney’s (Jesus enough with the “K”s already) townhouse, Khloe is whining about the press. It’s just been so haaaaard! She feels there is no way to redeem herself. Kim just looks on bored because no one is speaking about her ass.

This isn’t about me so…zzzzzzzzz.

KabbagePatch says they are all under ENORMOUS stress. She’s never had a child go to jail before. It’s weird. Ya know what’s weird? Having 27 kids whose names all start with “K” ok? Khloe is all “Hey pudface, it’s happening to meeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Wah!

Wah wah! Dead ex husband. I win!

Then KabbagePatch plays dirty and brings up the whole dead Dad thing. Dammit. How am I supposed to make fun of that? She starts crying and says she wishes “Daddy” were still here because he would probably give them all really good advice. Well yeah, ask O.J. I remember when ole SkunkHead was one of his 190 attorneys. That’s right, I called a dead dude SkunkHead. I didn’t say he was a bad dude but hello he looked like a skunk. Moving right along…

Kourtney and Kim start to feel “emotion” and immediately try to shut that shit down. Kim says her Mom gets upset whenever they mention SkunkHead and Kourtney tells her Mom to shut it. Cut to an homage to Robert Kardashian.

Ole SkunkHead

Ok what’s with dragging out this dude every time one of these girls does something embarrassing? I would never use my Dad……..wait there was that one time. Ok Cherie had some bean dip. There were people all around. She had no escape and she might have accidentally let a puff of air loose. Ok I farted! Instead of taking the rap I claimed it was the ghost of my Dad. Don’t judge me, it worked. My family’s not too bright.

KabbagePatch tells us that he was an “ace” lawyer and she just feels that if he were alive they wouldn’t be going through any of this. I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable because I want to say something really shitty right now but I also want to respect the dead………….screw it. What would he have done? Sneak off with a suitcase of evidence so Khloe could get away with murder? I mean DUI?

My exhusband, your father is DEAD! DEAD I SAY!

KabbagePatch limps from the room all sad. She goes into the kitchen to cry and Kourtney, Khloe and Kim follow. Kourtney tells her that hello Khloe is going to jail how about not being a drama queen for about five seconds? KabbagePatch is all “Daddy Daddy Daddy sad wah wah heartbroken” and Kourtney says she cannot even fathom having to tell her dad about her having a DUI. And she tells us that her Mom needs to shut it.

The next day is jail day. Khloe is sitting on the floor getting her hair done by her friend whose name does not start with a “K”. Cause you know, when going to jail you want to look as attractive as possible. I’m sorry, but if I was heading to jail I would not bathe, brush my teeth or anything. I would roll around in a garbage dumpster. And I would develop a tic and talk to myself. Kinda like how I do at family reunions to keep my cousins off me.

Khloe tells us that she just wants to get this over with. KabbagePatch tells her that TMZ is stationed all around and someone yells “No WAY!” Uh, way? Seriously? That’s a shock to them? OY. KabbagePatch then tells them that they only have ten minutes causing Khloe to scream “Mom! Suck my fucking…”

Ten minutes til Wapner..

In the car they go. Kim tells us with her dead stare that her Mom is a wreck. Cut to her Mom suggesting they stop at IHOP. Yeah, man when I’m going off to jail I really want to fill up so I’ll have to poo in a filthy cell with people looking at me. Khloe just stares at her like wtf? She’s used to it. MeltyFace has only that look.

Khloe calls her bro Rob and asks him if he planned on telling her goodbye. He’s all, huh? lol. KabbagePatch screeches “Your sisters going to jail!” Meanwhile Kim keeps taking pictures of herself. Not even kidding. Mom tells her to cut it out.

Who’s a pretty girl?

At the jail they park about 10 miles away. They are surrounded by pappers (yeah I call them pappers, blame Regis) and Khloe and her giant camel toe start walking. Some dude asks her if she’s been drinking lol. Someone else asks her if she asked Paris for advice. Why does she have an std too? Another dude screams “There’s no happy hour where you’re going.”

KamelToe Khloe

KabbagePatch tells us wah wah its so haaaaarrrd for meeeeeeee. Oh Lord and then they cut in scenes from another trial. Yep the OJ Simpson trial. What does this have to do with Khloe spending 3 minutes in jail. Not a freakin thing. But KabbagePatch tells us its bringing back memories of the trial. When she and sniff sniff, Robert were on different sides. Nicole was her friend and Robert was OJ’s friend and attorney.

That dude looks familiar.

So now we aren’t just dragging out Robert’s dead ass but Nicole’s as well. Hell maybe if we’re lucky she’ll trot out Johnny Cochran and the Lindbergh baby.

KabbagePatch tells us that it was the hardest thing she’s ever been through. It tore her family apart. Odd, I was pretty sure the divorce did that. Anyway she keeps yapping about the friction between she and Robert. Then they finally dump Khloe off. Remember her. The one the episode’s named for? They should have called it “All The Dead People KabbagePatch Knows.”

Just give it to me straight, is she still alive?

In the car leaving the jail, KabbagePatch calls Khloe’s attorney to make it look like she cares check on her baby. Kim tells us her Mom is all wah wah and KabbagePatch says it’s killing her not to know what’s going on with Khloe. So they go get something to eat.

Guess what they talk about? Yep SkunkHead. Kim tells the heart warming story of how when her Dad was dying he couldn’t swallow. He could only eat cream of wheat. He would whisper to Kim that he wanted some and she would call the maid/cook run and make it for him.

Cut to more pictures of KabbagePatch with Robert, Nicole and OJ. KabbagePatch tells us it made it tough for her to be nice to him because they were on separate sides. Cut back to them being in the car and Khloe calling. She tells them she will be out in a couple of hours.

OMG it was the worst several minutes of my life!

And she’s out! She tells them that she was searched. They touched her vag. On the outside of her clothes but it’s the most action she’s had in months so yay! KabbagePatch says she only has one word for tonight….”VODKA!” Kim says “I wouldn’t say that to Khloe.” and Khloe screeches “I do not have a drinking problem!”

So they go to a restaurant and Khloe tells us she’s “out of prison.” and she just wants to eat and then bathe. Someone tells the waiter they are celebrating but KabbagePatch says “We’re numbing.” At least she’s honest. Khloe tells us she doesn’t want to drink but her mom and Kourtney order shots. And Kourtney gets plastered.

Emotions shmotions!

They call MeltyFace to tell him whats what and Kourtney’s drunk ass keeps yelling shit. KabbagePatch is all smiles. Khloe tells us that she just got out of jail for a DUI and she doesn’t need to be surrounded by drunk people. As they are getting ready to leave KabbagePatch says “Who says ya can’t swallow twice?” Beats the hell outta me ya big lush. Shut it.

The next day Khloe and Kourtney are laying in bed reading the tabloids. Kim shows up. Khloe tells us she’s been out of the big house for a couple of days and she’s depressed. She doesn’t want to go out and wah wah wah.

Cut to KabbagePatch and Granny KabbagePatch going out to eat. I don’t want to be rude, but why stop now. Just look at the picture is all I’m saying.

OMG these people are killing me. Guess what KabbagePatch is talking about? That would be Robert Kardashian. She actually tells Granny, wait make that Kranny, “I feel like I’m going through these weird feelings concerning Robert Kardasian.” She says his full name like Kranny doesn’t know who he is. Does she get royalties for saying his name?

Kranny tells her that she too misses her dead husband. KabbagePatch is all shut it cueball I’m talking about ME! She says that she feels incredibly guilty about not being there for Robert in the end. And she cries some more.

Did I tell you you were adopted?

She tells us that she is the one who wanted the divorce and Robert was very unhappy about it. It’s one of her biggest regrets. After the trial when he was so sick she never got a chance to tell him how she felt. Oh no. Kranny tells her she needs to go talk to him. That means we are going to be treated to a cemetery visit. Boy this recap is gonna be a real knee slapper!

Back at the townhouse, Kim is trying to talk Khloe out of her depression and into something “cute” so they can go out. And it works. Khloe has beaten her depression and is out and about. Yay. As they are leaving the pappers once again sling questions at her and she just shrugs them off cause she is woman y’all hear her roar!

I don’t know if you’ve heard but…

At Smooch, the other “shop” that never has any customers, KabbagePatch starts talking to the girls about respecting one’s self and the danger’s of drinking and driving. Just kidding. She’s talking about SkunkHead…again. For some reason she feels the need to ask how they feel about her going to “Daddy’s” grave. And she cries..some more. Ok I am about fed up with this woman. Go to your dead ex husband’s grave if you need to. Then shut up about it. WTF?

Kim tells us that she thinks her Mom feels guilty for leaving her Dad cause he was always in love with her and she tells KabbagePatch that she thinks its a good idea. Khloe however thinks it sux and says so. She doesn’t want to think about her Dad laying in the ground under some plaque. Kim gets all why are you being so rude and Khloe says the idea sux because she’s just going to go and get all upset so suck it bitch.

Suck it barrel ass!

Kim thinks maybe crying will be good for her. Not that she’s ever done it. KabbagePatch realizes the subject is not her and decides something must be done. She has a little mini fit and says wah wah you guys won’t let me cry and you are critical of me and wah wah dead ex husband sad look at me sad wah wah. And she stomps out telling the girls they should think before they speak to people because what they say hurts.

Stomp stomp stomp!

Kim tells Khloe she is rude. Khloe says “Good.” Oh dear Lord I knew it. KabbagePatch has taken her ass to the cemetery. Hey dead ex husband who I divorced for a melty faced eunich, I’m sorry I screwed you over. Here’s some flowers. All better now?

KabbagePatch tells us that no matter how you lose someone or how long you loved them the loss is still profound and unbearable. And she cries…some more. She says it’s a symbolic way for her to find closure.

She tells us as she’s crying that the one thing she wishes she could take back was the divorce. Uhhhhh, where’s MeltyFace? You know, the dude YOU ARE MARRIED TO?
She says it was very selfish of her to “ruin that perfect union that we had.” She then goes on to apologize to him like she’s talking to him. She says she has to leave it here so she can go home and be a good Mom. Oh and a good wife. And she’ll always love him. Ok.

Seriously Robert he looks creepy as hell! Sorry I dumped you.

Back at MeltyFace Manor KabbagePatch is telling 20 or so of her kids that it was the most freeing thing she could have done. In walks Kourtney and Khloe with flowers apologizing to their sainted mammy. Khloe tells her that they should let her have an outlet (I would suggest one with exposed wires) and be there for her like she is for them. Oh you mean run around crying like a loon and dragging out every dead person she knows while you go to jail?

I haven’t felt my face in years.

Oh look they let MeltyFace outta the basement to speak. He says that everyone has a past and KabbagePatch has talked about her ex for years, and I believe he means that literally. Everybody loves everybody and all’s well that ends well. Or some such shit. Group hug. Awwww.

Let’s get drunk!

Hey flipit remind me to kick your ass. Now that I am all depressed about dead people I am going to eat a box of Krispy Kreme’s and cry.

Smooches,
Cherie