Keeping Up With The Kardasians: Kourt’s First Kover

Hi guys. Me again with another installment of this craptacular show known as Keeping up With The Kardashians! Let’s jump right in and see if Bruce’s face has slid off his neck yet. Oh and Kourt gets her first cover for a magazine. Why anyone wants this photo is beyond me. Maybe it’s for Dead Face Weekly! Let’s get started!

We open with 87 or so of the “K” kids sitting on a couch while MeltyFace watches. Khloe, who is on the phone, let’s slip with the fuck word. In front of Kylie, or Kendall, one of the little ones. MeltyFace has a meltdown and almost poops himself. No cussing in front of the kiddies!

I’ll have to call you back. Meltyface escaped again. Fuck.

Back and forth they go. No I didn’t. Yes you did! Kylie backs up big sis and says she didn’t. Khloe tells him he’s old and crazy. And? Hello that’s obvious. MeltyFace warns that if hears that word come out of either one of the little ones mouths he will wash them out with soap! Khloe forgets, or most likely just doesn’t give a shit that Kylie just backed her up and she tells MeltyFace that Kylie drops the F-Bomb all the time! MeltyFace almost pops a vein and says she better not. After all she is to be held to a higher standard. Ha! Higher than what?

Get off my lawn!

Over at Smooch, KabbagePatch is pretending to work when in walks Kourtney. She has news y’all. Her friend from blah blah just informed her that she wants her to do the cover of 944 magazine. Not only do I not know what that is but I cannot imagine why on earth anyone would put that face on a cover of anything. I would use it in my garden to scare away crows but I am against animal cruelty.

Fly away crow, fly fly fly!

KabbagePatch knows an opportunity when she sees one and says if she needs help with any details she’d be glad to help. After all, this is probably a one shot deal and she should ring the little malnutritioned one for all she can.

If only she had a sex tape.

Yay! They give each other a high five for the new wonderful partnership and Kourt bounces back over to Dash so she can pretend to work just like Mommy!

Over to Kim’s Kondo we go. Kim is telling Kourt that KabbagePatch is a wonderful momager and she can’t think of anyone who would be better for the job. Probably because it hurts too much to actually think. Anyhoo, Khloe, the voice of all things doom, thinks its a suck ass idea.

I’m gonna hold my breath until someone takes my picture! *Thud!*

Khloe tells us she can’t believe that Kourt would want Kris as a manager because everyone knows she’s all about Kim. After all Kim was her first major client. Her first? She has more? Oh wait it seems MeltyFace was her client also. And still is. Although Khloe says it’s more like she’s a high priced prostitute because she sleeps with him and gets ten percent. Khloe should write greeting cards. For the suicidal.

Treat my daughter right, I know OJ.

Off to meet the publisher. KabbagePatch lays down the law with the magazine dude. She says that Kourt is not interested in doing anything that is not the cover. Magazine dude tells her they like to put people on the cover that they think are about to “blow up.” This pleases Kourt. And she forces her face to contort in this new thing called a smile.

It hurts Mommy, oh it hurts!

Kourt is pleased as punch with KabbagePatch’s mad skills and they leave. In the car the phone rings. It’s the kid KabbagePatch actually makes money off of. And she ain’t happy.

Kim wants to know where her info is and KabbagePatch is all “Oh I forgot. oops.” Kim tells us she has just finished Disaster Movie with Carmen Electra and Vanessa Minillo. And she will be plugging it at Comic-Con. She wants to know if KabbagePatch is coming with her. Of course she is. How much ya wanna bet it’s on the same day as Kourt’s shoot?

So now we jump to Rob and Adrienne’s apartment. Rob tells us they are moving in together. She’s a Cheetah Girl y’all. She tells us she’s never lived with a real boy before.

As they are unpacking, she discovers that he used an entire box just to pack a box of shoes. Little girl, you better run now. He’s a freak. Cut to Rob telling us he’s anal. So in other words he has a cob up his ass. Kob continues by saying he wipes counters constantly and wants everything just so. And then he notices his shirts are not color coordinated in the closet like he likes them. And Cheetah Girl looks like this.

I don’t think I’d unpack just yet.

Suddenly a large ass appears on the screen scaring me senseless. I mean damn, warn someone when you plan on showing Kim’s butt.

Kim’s ass.

I know. It was a cheap shot. Soooorry. Anyway now we run over to Kourt and Khloe’s. Kourt wakes up with some dude I assume is her boyfriend. He looks like an asshole to me.

Asshole.

Kourt tries to converse with said asshole but he mumbles and rolls over. She calls KabbagePatch but only gets her voicemail. I’m sensing a pattern. The poor thing apparently has scurvy as well.

You should eat some citrus.

Off to Comic-Con. KabbagePatch tells us they are there to promote Kim’s movie. She is so thrilled and excited because Carmen Electra is there as well. Photos are being taken and KabbagePatch is just so happy to be with her little money maker.

I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Meanwhile over at Smashbox Studios. Kourt starts going over what her looks will be. What clothes she’ll wear. And then the photographer drops a bomb. He wants to crop her bangs and darken her roots! OMG where is KabbagePatch? She tells us that all these decisions are coming at her and she needs her Mommy!

Bangs or no bangs? Dear God help me!

Kourt tells everyone she’s sure her Mom is on the way. Must be stuck in traffic. Sure. Over at Comic-Con Kim and Carmen are being asked if they would ever “Jump the fence” and be big lesbos. They say “Didn’t you know? We are engaged.” Cut to a proud proud KabbagePatch.

A lesbian sex tape! I’ll be rich!

Back at the photo shoot in L.A. Kourt finally decides to call Mommy Dearest and find out where she is. KabbagePatch is all “Oh shit was that today? Oops.” Kourt is seriously pissed off and KabbagePatch tells her to chill she can be there in 4 hours.

You know a photo shoot’s going to shit when they use Lee Press On Nails.

KabbagePatch says she’s sorry, she made a mistake. Kourt is all “You shouldn’t take on responsibilities you can’t handle.” Kim grabs the phone to ask if she can make this about her in any way and Kourt says no, she’s just pissed at Mom for being a slack ass bitch.

Being Mom’s fav is such a burden.

Kourt tells Kim she doesn’t know what to wear and how can she possibly make these heart wrenching decisions alone? Kim takes the opportunity to again make it about her by saying that KabbagePatch has screwed up her shit many times as well. And she has an actual career. KabbagePatch is all wah wah are you selling me down the river? Kim says no but you suck sometimes. Kourt is all “Hello remember me? I’m the one who is motherless at a photo shoot! KabbagePatch tells her she’s sorry and she’s just torn in too many directions at once and wah wah.

Which one are you again?

Kourt loses her shit and proclaims she will never, ever forgive her Mom for this. EVER! She tells her to go crawl up Kim’s ass and leave her alone. She doesn’t want her anymore anyway. Wah wah sulk pout end scene.

KabbagePatch thinks really hard and then remembers she has another kid. So she calls Khloe to go hold Kourt’s hand and basically shut her the hell up. Khloe can’t believe that KabbagePatch forgot Kourt’s first ever photo shoot. And it tickles her no end.

Told ya Mom sux.

Khloe goes running to the rescue. Guess I am not supposed to ask who’s running Dash and Smooch. She tells Kourt that she’s better than Mom anyway because she would be an inspiration and her Mom would just try to get in every shot. And she’s right.

So they start the shoot. Kourt tells us she laid down the lay and wouldn’t let them cut her hair but she will let them shoot her in her undies. Cut to different shots of Kourt with the same dead ass look on her face.

Happy.

Deliriously happy.

“Smiling”

Back at Comic-Con KabbagePatch is all upset because when Kourt gets mad, she gets really mad. She tries calling her but Kourt just tells someone to push ignore.

Later at Kourt and Khloe’s place, Khloe runs in excitedly holding flowers. Poor thing thought they were for her. Nope. They are for Kourt. From Mom. When she tells Kourt they are from “Mom” she Kourt says “Eeew!” Khloe tries to read the card to her but she’s all “La la la la la” and so Khloe grabs her ass and screams it at her.

What the hell is Khloe wearing?

Khloe tells us that Kourt knows how to hold a grudge and she’s just so torn up that they are fighting. And she almost giggles with delight. Khloe tells her she needs to let it go because its family. Kourt refuses to talk about it.

Khloe and Kourt go over to Kob’s apartment. Adrienne screeches that they better take their shoes off because Kob will know. Kim is there also. Adrienne says she calls them when ever she needs to vent.

You left a foot print you fat whore!

Kim tells her that when Kob was little he would write on a post it note before going to bed what he was going to do the next day. Kim says he has OCD. Ya think? In the middle of this Kourt gets a call from the photographer. Something about not being able to see her pics. When she gets off the phone Kim says “Shouldn’t your manager be handling that?” and Khloe says she would be if Kourt was actually speaking to her.

Seriously, she must get dressed under the bed.

Khloe tells us that Kourt litterally has no emotions. She’s a cold hearted snake and she doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. She ask’s Kourt if she’s so perfect that she doesn’t make mistakes. Kourt’s reply? “Obviously.” And she leaves.

Later Kob comes home. Adrienne is on the couch having a snack. Kob says “I see you cleaned up a little.” RUN LITTLE GIRL RUUUN! Adrienne proudly says “Yes I did.” Oh shit. She isn’t using a coaster.

You disgust me you no coaster using whore!

He tells her that’s disgusting then moves on to the kitchen. OMG she left the peanut butter out! You pig! Where were you raised? She tells him to chill out she’ll get it after she eats. He is annoyed because she didn’t even open the peanut butter correctly and she’s eating on the couch. He tells her she has got to learn to do what he does.

Bite me you anal retentive spooge bag!

Apparently Adrienne is under the impression that she lives there too and has a few rules of her own. Like shut it occasionally. He claims he could’ve been at USC and she says she could be in New York. Jesus, they’ve lived together for like 5 minutes and they are already having the “You are holding me back” argument? Wow.

Adrienne says to us that maybe they moved in together too soon. Ha! She tells him she knows how to clean and she didn’t grow up with a maid and she’s leaving and he can clean the shit up since he loves it so much! And out the door she goes. Maybe someone should tell him they just had a fight because he’s sitting on the couch smiling like an idiot.

She totally loves me.

Off to Kim’s Kob goes. He tells her they just had a fight. Kim wants to know why. He says he doesn’t know. She just stormed out. Kim asks if maybe they are spending too much time together and he says she is all up in his space and leaves her make up on his counter. I’m seriously hating this kid right now. Kim kinda laughs and explains to his dopey ass that it’s “their” counter, not just his. Oh no he says, she has one and he has one and he doesn’t want her icky girl things touching his stuff.

All the while Kim is looking at photo’s of herself. In between staring at herself she tells him to stop being a wad and go home and apologize and learn to freakin compromise.

Have you EVER seen anyone so gorgeous?

Later Khloe tells us that KabbagePatch is still being ignored by Kourt so she and Kim are going to sneak her into the house. They call her down to the kitchen where KabbagePatch is waiting.

Peek-a-boo!

Kourt is not amused and gives her the stare of death. Oh sorry she just looked at her. Kourt asks her is she’s that desperate and KabbagePatch says yes indeedy she is. She then apologizes and tells Kourt that to prove she’s a good manager she actually got on the phone and got her a 3-4 page spread in Maxim magazine! Kourt tells her she’s not forgiving her for that but they can move on. And she actually smiles. They hug.

I still get 10% right?

Kourt tells us that maybe she is a cold hearted snake and it’s not healthy and she needs to forgive. Aww, now if only those two star crossed lovers would make up.

“What are the odds?”

They are all,”Hey babe. I missed you.” Oh look he’s done something romantic. He has a surprise for her. Wow he went all out. If paper towels and sandwhiches count as all out.

You..shouldn’t have?”

Adrienne says she thinks she freaked him out because he’s been leaving her voicemails. He calls her his princess and then he tells us that he’s way too anal and needs to make some changes. Oh look and he even left a mess to prove he’s changed!

You call that a mess? I would have that boy in a fetal position in under 2 minutes.

They apologize to each other and she agrees to learn to do things his way. She even went to the container store! Love conquers all!

Jump to Kourt at her Maxim shoot. I never really saw much resemblance between she and Kim before.

I see it now.

Oh look another episode ends with everyone all happy and hugging.

I am so touched that this family can argue and fight and then make up. All in a matter of 30 minutes. It’s amazing. I need a tissue. Tune in next week when Khloe actually does get asked to pose for a photograph. And it’s not a mugshot! It’s Peta. And MeltyFace tells her she needs to drop some weight. Also Kim is a spendaholic! Oh my what will happen? See ya next week.

Smooches,
Cherie