This week on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, we learn that Kim’s a pathological liar. Okay, we don’t really LEARN that. But we’re graciously reminded. Also, the gargantuan Kardashian (a.k.a. Khloe) may or may not have a human parasite growing inside of her. Ready for this, Gasmii? Let’s go!
I’d puke if this girl procreated too. Trust me.
We start this episode like we start every other episode: Talking about Kim’s bush. Reggie Bush, that is. And, quite frankly, Reggie is the only bush of Kim’s that I’d ever trust. It seems that Reggie and Kim are back together again, so the whole family is toasting to his courageous return. But let’s face it: this is really just a thinly veiled excuse for getting to binge drink.
“Sss-I sjust swanted sa sdrink! Hiccup!“
Kim rattles off some crap about how after spending a few months apart, Reggie and she realized that they really do need each other. So they’re giving their relationship a second chance. Then I fall asleep. But I wake up just in time to see a baby tottering around in the background. There are some fake reasons as to why a baby is running around a table full of binge drinkers, but I’m pretty sure he was just released from a cage the producers keep him in whenever they want to force a segue about child birth.
And, no, this has NADA to do with Kortney. It’s all about Khloe. In her best baby voice, Khloe tells us that she loves kids and thinks she and Lamar would be great parents. They pick up the mystery baby and cuddle with it for the cameras. Why is it that Khloe always talks in that hushed, whispery Paris Hilton voice anyway? The girl is 6’5″ and 320, we KNOW she must have a booming giant voice under there. It’s just ridiculous.
If anyone had their baby stolen by E! producers, then take a look at this one, and let us know.
Preoccupied by the baby, no one realized that Kim and Reggie secretly slipped away from the table. Where are they and what are they doing? Oh, just THIS:
A bush on Bush
You know, just grinding around on each others’ laps. TOTALLY NORMAL. I know that is EXACTLY what I do at my parents’ place. I crank up the tunes and bring my boyfriend over and simulate sex in the family room while flipping my long hair around like a weapon. Seriously, that mane could put someone’s eye out. Just a regular Monday night.
The next day, Khloe explains that she and Lamar are going on “Chelsea Lately” for their first interview as a married couple. Oh, this excites me SO much! I love Chelsea Handler. She is my favorite horse-faced comedian of ALL the horse-faced comedians. Khloe is backstage at the show, and some lady with a page-boy haircut is prepping her in the dressing room. The lady tells her that Chelsea MIGHT joke around with her. Okay, that is like saying you MIGHT get herpes from sleeping with Kim. This lady is obviously making a reality sound hypothetical. For shame, page-boy lady, for shame!
So our happy newlyweds trot out on stage and it is painfully obvious that Lamar is nothing but a limp noodle. Chelsea asks him to pep it up for the next five minutes, and I realize that this man is ALWAYS lacking a sparkle. Where is his twinkle? Where is the razzle dazzle? He should drink a gallon of Red Bull. Maybe it would even him out a little. But, come to think about it, if he ever grew a personality and threatened to steal the limelight from the Kardashians, it would probably be game over for the big guy. They would put him on the first train to “Has-Been-Ville” faster than anyone could say “cooter juice.”
With a dress that short, I can practically see Khloe’s baby hanging out.
Speaking of babies, Chelsea asks Khloe if she’s pregnant and Lamar says “soon.” Chelsea tells them to just steal Kortney’s baby when it’s born. Khloe tells us that she and Lamar have been talking about babies since they got married and know they want a baby together. (Note to readers: “since they got married” = negative five minutes ago.)
Back at the house, Kortney and Kim are debating whether or not Albania is a country. Kortney says that after you have a baby in Albania, your sisters suck the extra milk out of your boobs. But Kim ain’t buyin’ that. She’s too smart to believe crazy crap like that! Someone named Brittny Gastineau calls our smarty pants Kim, and she pretends to be sick. Like she talks in a weird, wheezy voice and says she must have eaten something bad. Brittny Gastineau, if you have rightfully forgotten, is another airhead sociality who frequently appears on E! reality shows.
Hearing Kim lie, Rob laughs out loud in the background, and Kortney shouts at Kim that they should go shopping. Kim gets flustered and hangs up the phone. Kortney says that the busier Kim gets, the more she lies. Bruce, who is looking even more pinched and pulled than usual, takes a grab from his cliche bag and adds “honesty is the best policy.” Well, at least its a reasonable time for cliche. Unlike the time he said, “The early bird gets the worm” when he walked in on Kim giving Reggie a morning blowjob. Okay, I’m sorry, that was REALLY gross. Even for me. So back to the show: Kim says that she’s not lying, she’s WHITE LYING. To which Kortney responds that a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie is a — you get the point.
Little known fact: Kim is the developer of a novel, state-of-the-art “Lie Classification System.”
We see flashbacks to Kim lying about dumb stuff. Like telling her mom she’s getting her oil changed when she’s in a closet. Or telling her mom that she likes an ugly dress. Or telling Reggie that she’s pregnant when he tries to break up with her. (Ok, that last one wasn’t true. But it could happen!)
Away from that scene and in a giant bed somewhere, Khloe is blowing raspberries all over Lamar’s face. She tells us that she wants a giant family and the thought of having babies with Lamar makes her happy.
Across town at a diner, Kim is late for lunch with Mom Kardashian and Kortney. They call her, and she claims that she’s 10 minutes away, but Kortney tells us that you always have to add extra time on top of whatever Kim says. Mom gets cranky because she hates waiting for people. Kim shows up 20 minutes later with wet nails. They are outraged that she had time to get a manicure, but Kim insists it was just a “polish change.” You can look up these subtle differences in wording in the Kim Kardashian Life Classification System. “Manicure” is filed under “medium sized lie” whereas “Polish change” is under the much less severe “small lie.”
Back at home, Khloe bounces a stuffed animal all over Kortney’s boobs. Kortney says that her doctor told her that you have to have sex all the time when you’re pregnant to be healthy. Somehow this leads Khloe to confess that she’s having unprotected sex with Lamar. Kortney asks if that means they’re trying to have a baby, and Khloe says she’s late on her period. Then Scott walks in, looking all douchy. Seriously, this man is THE posterboy for Douche-ism. He says that he’s heard through the grapevine that Lamar says Khloe is “a hell of a girl in the sack.” Khloe gets embarrassed and covers her face. As much as Khloe gabs about sex, it shocked that THIS would be the thing that actually embarrasses her. But it seems to do this trick. Did I mention that Scott is a douche on legs? She must shop for boyfriends in the “feminine care” aisle at Walgreen’s.
The next day, they’re all a photoshoot for Famous Cupcakes. What is that, you ask? Who knows. Khloe shows up late and looking green, claiming to be nauseous. Kortney says that if she throw up on her, then she’ll throw up right back, and it will be a fun game. Khloe says she’s only sick in the morning if she’s been drinking the night before, and she was not drinking the night before. They snap one picture of Khloe, and then she excuses herself to go throw up.
Pregnant or not, how could ANYone ever frown at cupcakes like that?
Khloe goes to pee on a stick and the cameras are actually in the bathroom with her as she pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet. Yes, peeing IS a reality, but that doesn’t mean we need to see it on reality tv. Khloe tells Kim that her pregnancy test was positive. Kim can’t believe her sisters are pregnant before her. And promises not to tell ANYONE. Why Khloe would tell the world’s biggest liar her biggest secret is beyond me. But, hey, if she hasn’t figured out that Kim isn’t trustworthy by now, then that’s her problem.
The stick tells Khloe that she’s pregnant AND has chlamydia. (Wouldn’t a stick that tests for pregnancy and STDs at the same time but kindof, I dunno, awesome? Especially for this family?)
Kim goes straight to the house and asks mom if she’s heard anything. Mom wants to know if something’s wrong and worries that Khloe and Lamar are already having issues in their five-day marriage. With little to no arm-twisting, Kim spills to Mom that Khloe’s pregnant. Mom is shocked and asks if that’s why they got married. Mom says that no one would make a better mother than Khloe. Except for herself. And Kortney. And Bruce. And Robert. And the family dog.
Later, one of the little girls — either Kylie or Kendall, but who can really tell the difference — is calling Kim. They’re waiting for her to go to the beach. Kim says she didn’t forget but she sprained her ankle because a dog ran in front of her while she was jogging. I’m not even joking; that’s really what she claims. The girls hang up and call Khloe to congratulate her. Khloe realizes that everyone knows her secret and the source must be Kim!
The ’90s called, they want their GIANT HOUSE PHONE back. Seriously, look at that monster.
The little girls tell Bruce that Kim didn’t take them to the beach because Kim tripped over a dog. Bruce automatically assumes that Kim is lying and feels bad. So he suggests they all do something. Bruce and the girls get flowers to take to Kim. But then Kim is outside her house, unloading groceries. She says that she thought they’d be more offended if they knew she forgot. (In the Life Classification System, “forgetfulness” ranks higher than lies.) The girls get so upset that they throw the flowers on the ground and storm back to the car. Kim tells Bruce it’s a little dramatic, but Bruce says it sucks she’s a liar.
In a make-up store, Khloe tells Kim that she knows she told the mom about her pregnancy. Kortney tells us that Kim has hit all new lows with lying. Kim says her family knows she exaggerates, and it’s no big deal. Kim goes to the house to apologize to the girls, but they’re still mad. She says she thought she was doing the right thing by sparing their feelings. And that she wasn’t thinking. But it taught her a sincere lesson to stop lying. But the girls think she’s probably lying again now and brush her off.
At dinner, Kortney tells mom that when she and Khloe lived together and heard her having sex, she would cheer her on and yell, “Go Scott!” Mom wants to know how she raised such perverts. Khloe accuses the Mom of not being sexual, but she says she is sexual because she’s been pregnant many times.
Khloe giggles. Being a perv is HILARIOUS. It’s almost as side-splitting as pedophilia.
Khloe excuses herself to go throw up. She THEN comes back to the table to get a quarter to buy a tampon and says she just started her period. Mom feels bad. She was excited and is now disappointed. Khloe says that God has a plan for everyone. So when the timing is right, she’ll have a baby. We never get an explanation for the false positive, but maybe she’s like Mary I of England who had a tumor in her womb that always tricked her body into thinking it was pregnant. You know, no biggy!
Next week, Robert is back to chasing Adrienne, and Kortney threatens to break up with Scott. Until then, I’m out!