This week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Scott continues to be the biggest douchebag the side of the equator (surprise surprise), Mom is controlling and Bruce is a pansy (surprise surprise), and Robert is a stalker (surprise surprise). Ready to re-learn what we already know about this family? Let’s go!
The show starts with Kim and Mom visiting Kortney to check out the new baby’s nursery. It turns out that said nursery is just a large walk-in closet with clothes strewn about all over the place. It looks like Kortney wants to treat her baby the way I treat my keys. I just toss them somewhere — perhaps into a pile of clothes on the floor — and then search around for them the next day. Just following the crying noise, and everything will be just fine.
Mom takes out a BEAUTIFUL color sample and claims that it is such a BEAUTIFUL color. Kortney should coat the walls in this BEAUTY.
Little does she know, this exotic beautiful color is also called BLUE.
Kim and Mom are shocked at how much work Kortney needs to do on the room. Mom remarks that the baby will be there in two months, and it takes longer than that to simply order a crib. It’s true. Kortney will probably have to wait on hold when calling to place an order for at least three months. Then it will most likely take her another three months just to remember her address for delivery. The whole time this conversation goes on, Scott smiles demonically in the background. Seriously. He’s like two seconds away from twirling his mustache and wringing his hands. He just can’t wait for his little sweater-wearing, bouffant hair styled, spawn to fall out of Kort’s vagina. In fact, instead of growing in her uterus in her amniotic sack, it is probably growing right now in a giant douchebag. Because that’s what happens when you’re impregnated by Scott! Let that be a lesson for all you single ladies out there.
Yeah. That girl should DEFINITELY be a mom.
Mom walks around the room, pointing out where all the furniture will someday go. This furniture, of course, includes a flat-screen television. A television in a nursery, you say? Why that’s simply GENIUS! You can’t get your baby watching Tila Tequila and Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab show too young these days. It’s what home-schooling is all about. Scott tells Kortney to make a list of things to do for the room, and when Kortney ask him for help, he replies, “Nope, I’m good.” Please, everyone, note the douchehood. That will be one of the major themes in this episode and should not go unrecognized.
Back at the house, Bruce is home from a presentation to sales force. And he has a big check that he wants to open his own bank account with. He says that Mom is very controlling of money, and he’s tired of begging her whenever he wants a $3 cup of coffee. Of course, Mom shuns this idea and grabs his check right out of his very own cluthes.
I can’t wait for the day that Bruce’s face falls off and crawls away to safety.
Scott, Kortney, and Robert go shopping for baby furniture, but the trip is a waste. The guys won’t be serious, and Kortney gets embarrassed and storms away. Scott insists upon “role playing” baby daddy games with Rob, and scolds him with statements like, “No more candy in bed!” I think we’ve uncovered one of Scott’s creepy fetishes. It is homoerotic, pedophiliac, AND incestuous all at the same time. But I guess no one ever said this man doesn’t know how to multi-task.
At this point, Scott is basically just looking for a reason to give Rob a spanking.
Back at the house, Rob is checking out pictures of Adrienne on his computer. He tells us that they were so serious when they were together that they even got tattoos, but they are no longer together because he cheated on her. Kim tells Rob that he never know what might happen because she and Reggie got back together. Rob says he truly believes Adrienne was the one for him and wants to be able to treat her the way she should have been treated. Wah-waaaaah!!!!
Out by the pool, Bruce is looking at an enormous toy helicopter. The motor went out on his other helicopter, so he needs to buy a new one for $500. Mom says it’s unacceptable to spend money on such useless hobbies. Money should only be spent on surgically pulling your face skin back or buying super secret horny sex pills. You know, serious matters! Mom takes Bruce’s wallet, grabs his last $20 bill and his ATM card, so that Bruce won’t use it. Geez, someone give his woman her medication, already!
Escape Plan: All Bruce needs is one more functioning copter, and he should have enough power to carry his body weight over the fence and away from this horrible, horrible land.
At Kortney and Scott’s, Scott isn’t doing anything while Kortney works on the nursery. He doesn’t want to help build the crib and asks if he can hire someone to do it. Kortney says it’s fun, and Scott says then she can do it herself. Seriously. WHO IS THIS GUY? Gasmii, will you help me out? He acts so snotty and entitled, but I don’t understand why. Where does his money come from and why doesn’t he have to work? Right now I’m believing that he suffered some sort of brain damage and won a major settlement in an accident claim. Even if that’s not where his money comes from, at least it would explain his severe lack of intelligence and noticeably absent emotional center.
In the house, Bruce calls Khloe “honey,” and she’s instantly knows something is up. He tells her that he’ll be her slave for $600, so he can repair his helicopter and reinstate his escape plan. Mom controls the books, so she can see whatever purchases he makes, and he needs to go around it. Khloe is shocked that Bruce doesn’t even have his own credit card and feels bad. So she dives into her purse for $400. She asks Bruce to take out the trash and change the lightbulbs at Dash.
Bruce fights the “evil man” who always follows him in the mirror.
At the house, Rob leaves Adrienne a message to tell her it was nice seeing her at the wedding. Then he calls her another 90 times, but she never picks up. He says that calling her shows how much he cares. I say calling her shows how much of a stalker he is. But, you know. Potato, potahto.
Up in the bathroom, some poor girl is dying Mom’s hair. She says that she has one grey hair, and in order to make it all blend, she needs the whole head done. Hardy har. If you have ONE grey hair, you pluck it out. This woman obvious hair an army of white pubes under there. She’s kidding no one. It turns out that she’s going to an event the next evening, and wants Kim and Khloe to check out the dress she’s wearing. The girls find the dress in the closet and totally freak out because it’s $4,000. Khloe points out the hypocrisy of Mom never letting Bruce buy anything but then splurging on dumb stuff for herself.
It suddenly dawns on me that Mom looks EXACTLY like the wicked queen from Snow White.
At a bar, Rob is drinking with Scott and some other douche. They can’t believe Rob calls Adrienne so much and say that she’s probably getting a restraining order. Okay, this is the one and ONLY time I’ve ever agreed with Scott. If I were Adrienne, those papers would be in the mail STAT. The next day, Scott ignores Kortney’s call. She wants to remind him to go to the breast pump class. She’s called him three times, and doesn’t want to be a stalker. Khloe says, “That’s your baby dady. Stalk that ass.” Ha! I could NOT agree more. It’s simply not stalking when you’re impregnated with their douchy spawn. And I’m not even joking; I truly believe that. Khloe says she’ll go to the class with her as long as she doesn’t have to suck on her tits.
At the house, Kylie is taking beers to Rob and Scott who are tanning by the pool. Bruce is appalled at how Scott does nothing but lie around and get fat. Bruce asks Scott why she’s not with Kortney. He says she’s at a class that doesn’t involve him. Bruce says he needs to go. So Scott says, “Look, Bruce. You know how to handle your lady, and I know how to handle mine. We’ll be just fine.” If someone said that to MY dad, then their shoes would be filled with cement and they’d be suck to the bottom of the Chicago River. Seriously, that is SO snide and disrespectful. But because it’s Bruce, and he has no balls, he kind of chuckles about how no one can handle Kortney. Then his face turns into a puddle and slinks into the pool.
At the breast pump class, Kortney is stressed because her baby is ugly and she wants Khloe’s black baby. Also, she’s amazed at everything she doesn’t know and upset that she’s the only woman there without a baby daddy. They learn how to change a diaper and swaddle, and Kortney struggles while Khloe ACCELS in baby care. She must have practiced on MANY a Cabbage Patch back in her day.
Kortney storms back home and gives Scott the silent treatment. After he pushes a few of her buttons, she explodes. She is angry that he ditched her and never helps out. She says that if he doesn’t changes, they’re done.
Scott’s sweater is worried.
Scott magically appears back and the mansion and wants to talk to Bruce about Kortney. He says he wants to be there for Kortney but doesn’t know how. Bruce says it’s not about him anymore, it’s about the family. And it will be that way for the next 20 years. Even longer, really. I’m nearly 30 but I still go home sometimes and rudely demand food. I expect this trend to continue to the end of my days. Scott says that he was an only child and never had to think about other people’s needs before. Actually having to “care” is an emotion that is unfamiliar to Scott and his sweaters. The sweater is confused.
Khloe, Kortney, and Kim have an intervention with Robert, telling him that he’s obessed with Adrienne and he needs to stop calling her and being a total nutcase. Robert understands their concerns. He see their nutcase and raises them a freakshow. Deciding that incessant phonecalls, emails, and texts are not enough, Rob says he plans to go to New York to visit Adrienne. Okay, folks! This is a good example of an UNSUCCESSFUL intervention. When a crazy person makes even CRAZIER plans, then you have FAILED to intervene. Please take notes.
Khloe and Kim are busy kidding Bruce about not having balls, when they spill the news that Mom spent thousands of dollars on a dress. Kim says they should go to the dry cleaner and hold the dress captive until Mom gives the ATM card back. Ohhh yes! Yet another construed plot by the producers. Thanks for keeping us entertained, guys.
In the midst of all this drama, Scott builds the crib and decorates the nursery. So all is forgiven and Kortney is convinced that their entire relationship has done a 180 and now they are the perfect couple. Perhaps she should take a psychology class and read up on “honeymoon periods” that typically follow major arguments. It’s going to take more than one crib-building extravaganza to take the douche out of that bag, Kort.
Scott’s sweater is pleased. It has fooled her again.
Okay, SO! I’ll give a quick run-down of the whole drycleaner episode. Bruce, Kim, and Khloe grab the dress before Mom shows up to the business. They send her on a wild goosechase to find the dress, telling her that they will destroy it if she doesn’t follow the trail. It’s actually pretty amusing. But there’s at least ONE person who doesn’t find it funny: MOM. She has a million things to do today like pluck her eyebrows into a pointy arch, and she doesn’t have time for this. Bruce is so scared, he’s practically ripping his own hair out. Like, he is maniacally combing through it, and it’s freaking me out a little.
Careful, Bruce. You pull that shit out and Mom will turn you into a Chia pet.
Mom walks in and starts yelling about how she doesn’t have time to scavenger hunt all day. Everyone laughs. Bruce demands his ATM card. She wants the dress back before the card. Mom starts roaming the house, looking for the dress. Bruce follows her asking for the card. Finally Bruce stops her, and says that if he’s cutting back, then she needs to cut back. They trade goods at the same time. When he gets it back, everyone cheers and he says he’s going to the hobby store.
Robert packs to fly to New York to see Adrienne face to face. He doesn’t want her to move on and forget what they had. Mom is concerned about him popping up unannounced. But then she thinks should go, so that he knows he did everything he could. Mom condoning this blatant lack of brain cells SCARES me! Aren’t Moms supposed to discourage stalker behavior? Perhaps I’ve been misinformed of how function families should conduct themselves.
Kim takes Robert to the airport. He says he’ll get a hotel room first and then let Adrienne know he’s there. Kim says she is afraid Robert will come back hurt, but she understands because she used to fly to see Reggie when they were broken up. Robert suddenly gets an email from Adrienne and asks Kim to pull over, so he can read it.
It says, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but this is from the new man in her life. We’re trying to start off on the right note, and you’re really not making it easy. Her Blackberry goes off every minute, and it’s you almost every time. I can’t imagine what you guys have to discuss after all this time. It’s honestly annoying and unhealthy for our relationship. I respect what you guys had in the past, but according to her, it’s clearly over. Thanks dogs!”
I just HAD to type that thing in its entirety because I thought y’all would be interested. It’s an exact dictation, and I didn’t even make up the “thanks dogs!” at the end. I swear. It leads me to believe there’s no new boyfriend, and Adrienne put one of her giggling girlfriends up to this. They probably added “thanks dogs!” to make themselves sound more like a “dude” and cover-up all the feminine mumbo jumbo about respect and crap like that.
Kim turns around and decides not to take Rob to the airport. She can’t believe Adrienne didn’t respond herself. Kim says he did everything he could, and now it’s time to move on. Rob tells us that he learned his lesson to never cheat again.
Is anyone else not really sympathetic toward this whole thing?
Mom goes to the Hobby Store with Bruce to see his helicopter crap and buys him a new one for $3000. Mom says he works really hard, so he deserves to have something he likes. Then she says that his getting mad at her was actually sexy. And thus Bruce’s escape plan is back in motion! In other quickly resolved matters, Robert has a date with a new girl to help get over Adrienne. Everyone celebrates that he’s moving on.
Before we wrap things up for this week, I want to give a very special shout-out to a very special Gasmii. Our faithful reader, kittkatt, had a very rough 2009. We wish her happiness, health, and love in 2010!