Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Pus-Filled Uterus. Need I Say More?

This week on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim gets a defective dog. Or the producers give Kim a defective dog, rather. Also, Robert reaches the peak of his laziness, and Kim channels a demonic spirit. Okay, that last part wasn’t true, but from the looks of this picture, I wouldn’t be surprised.

We start the show with a little bit of foreshadowing. Kim is harmlessly sunbathing by the pool, and a dog keeps pouncing on her and splashing water at her. Of course, Rob is the culprit puppet master orchestrating all of this turmoil. It upsets Kim because it ruins her make-up and makes her smell like a wet dog. And if she wanted that, then she’d just find another homeless man to clean up. (Anyone remember THAT weird episode) Rob tells us that Kim needs to get used to dogs, and I can tell that is exactly what is about to happen.

Rob leaves Kim alone and goes inside to make Mom his slave. He’d like a sandwich, please. Without mayo. But with honey dijon. Wait, make that LIGHT honey dijon. Or barbeque sauce. Bruce is confused why Rob is giving Mom a sandwich order. She shouldn’t be making him sandwiches, dammit! Bruce asks Mom, “Why are you making him lunch?” And then he turns to Rob and adds in a baby voice, “Is that too much mustard for you, little boy?” Okay, I know that Bruce is often spineless and his face gives me nightmares, but you have to admit, he’s pretty amusing. Rob tells us that he moved back home after college because rent is a waste of money. Yeah, money would best be spent on shots of Goldschlagger and a new tattoo. Great priorities, man! Keep up the good work.

Bruce says that Rob moving back home is not a good thing because Mom makes him lunch and a maid cleans his room. He needs to learn how to make it on his own. As much as I love Bruce’s determination to force Rob to grow up, I can’t help but notice we’re forgetting about another slacker someone in this episode: BRODY. Brody is even older than Rob. And from what I can tell, he does even LESS. He leisurely appears on reality television and participates in fake celebrity feuds and…what else? There has to be something else…..Nope, that’s it! I guess he DOES live outside of the house, but that doesn’t mean that he’s productive.

At KT Nails, Kim is looking for the nail color “My Private Jet” by OPI. I’d love to make a job about that except I own similarly embarrassingly named OPI colors. Like “I’m Not a Waitress,” for example. And right now, I’m wearing “Black Magic Mountain.” So I really have no room to throw stones. But the point of this scene is that a tiny chihuahua is following Kim around. I’m like 105-percent sure that this little disease-ridden flea-bag was found in a dumpster by producers and dumped off on the street next to Kim. They problem even made Kim wear liver-scented perfume that day just to attract the little guy. It’s all so contrived as to be ridiculous, but I supposed we shall play along. Kim tells us that she feels bad for the dog because she doesn’t want it to get hit by a car. She picks it up and then pops in and out of stores asking if it belongs to someone.

She calls her mom and tells her about the ratty dog. Mom tells her to take it to the pound. And no matter what, do NOT bring it home. Okay, we all KNOW that means that Kim is going to take that dog’s ass STRAIGHT home, right? But at least she takes it to the shelter first. Naturally, she puts the dog in her purse and hauls it to the shelter. Because she’s a pointless socialite. And that’s what pointless socialites do, America. That, and make sex tapes and get their blackberries hacked into. So keeping a dog in her purse is a natural right of passage.

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At the animal shelter, a lady scans the dog’s neck for a microchip but nothing comes up. The lady says they’ll have to impound her. Kim replies, “Impound her? Like a car?” Yes, Kim. Exactly like a car. The doggy tow truck will be here any minute. The lady says they’ll keep her for four days, but if no one comes for her, she’ll be euthanized. Oh geez. This lady really knows how to move a storyline. A wise hiring choice from the producers, I’d say. Kim tells us that she wants to at least try to find it a home before leaving it at the pound. She can better do this at home.

The next thing we know, we’re back at the house and Mom is screaming. Kim brought the dog home. Due to the size of HIS nipples, Kim thinks HE’S had a baby. And, yes, I concur. Those nipples are disproportionately GARGANTUAN. They are flopping all over the place like cow udders, which can’t possibly be normal.

Kim says she’ll just leave him with Mom to give him a bath and then she’ll make posters to find him a home. Mom says that she won’t give him a bath; he needs to go to a groomer. Mom says that it’s classic Kim. She knew that if she brought the dog home, Kendall and Kylie would want to nurse it back to health. But she’s not running a shelter here! In the background, Kendall and Kylie give it a bath and towel it down. Mom says that she’s in the middle of a crazy work schedule, so Kim needs to take it with her. She already has Rob to de-worm and bathe, she doesn’t need another pet around.

Hmm…now that I’ve mentioned Rob, I wonder what he’s doing. Let’s find out.

All he needs is a side of honey dijon — ahem, LIGHT — honey dijon, and he’s having the best day ever. Bruce is baffled how a smart USC graduate could sit around and just do nothing all day. He reminds Rob that he needs to find a job. And then he gets another bag of Doritos and sits down to mindlessly eat them to how Rob how lazy he looks.

But Bruce doesn’t last long. Mom comes in and sees him sitting around eating Doritos and instantly calls him into action. She can’t believe he’d be SO lazy while she’s obviously SO busy. It’s such a mystery to me what the Mom does all day, btdubs. Plastic surgeries and nail appointments can’t possibly take up THAT much time, can they? Maybe the rest of that time is spent plucking her eyebrows into that famously pointy arch.

Meanwhile, Kim hasn’t been able to find a home for the Nippled Wonder. And, no, I’m not talking about Kourtney. So she decides to keep it. It will be nice having something around while Reggie is away, she thinks aloud. She will kiss him and love him and name him “Princess.” First, she just needs to shop for accessories to get a shirt that will cover that thing’s crazy baloney nipples. Then she comes back to set up it’s bed and food. Mom and Kourtney randomly show up to scold her for not taking it to the vet. Exasperated, Mom says that the dog could very well have RABIES. Everyone knows that rabid chihuahuas roam the streets of L.A. They act all nice and sweet and then randomly attack you in your sleep! Because rabies is stealthy. It totally works like that. All that crap you learned in school about foaming at the mouth and acting insane is just lies.

Later that night, Rob is drinking and playing pool with Scott and the Douchebags. (That would make a fun name for a Mo-Town group, wouldn’t it?) They stumble home around 3 a.m. and pee in the yard even though they’re only feet away from the house. Going to the bathroom must take FAR more effort than leaking on a tree in the front yard. They make a racket in the kitchen, waking up Bruce. Bruce is pissed because they’ve left a mess on the floor and everyone is sleeping.

The next morning, Bruce tells Mom that Rob is pissing him off for still living in the house. Bruce decides to teach Rob how to get up in the morning and be productive. This includes removing the lock from his bedroom door, looking over his shoulder whiles he’s on the computer, and forcing him to eat dinner that’s too cheesey when he’s not hungry. As lame as these things are, it works because Rob runs to Kourtney, claiming that she needs to help him find a job.

Kim takes Princess to the vet. We find out she’s five pounds. They take a rectal temperature, and the dog has a fever of 104-degrees. And, yes, they show us EVERYthing with the rectal thermometer because THAT’s what makes awesome television. The vet has to run blood tests and take x-rays to see what’s going on, and it turns out that Princess has a PUS-FILLED UTERUS. That’s right. Whereas some of us have a normal uterus at the end of our birth canal, this dog just has a giant zit that REALLY needs to be squeezed. Princess is rushed into surgery, but it doesn’t go so well. The vet says the dog will only recover with round-the-clock care. Kim doesn’t have the time for that in her busy schedule of filming a reality show, so the vet tech adopts the dog.

Rob is wearing a suit and going on interviews. He’s confident that he’ll get every job he applies for. He gets a call to work for a skincare company, which is a great start because he wants his own skincare line. Bruce is ecstatic, and they all go to dinner to celebrate.

Inspired by Princess, Kim volunteers at an animal clinic. I find it interesting that Kim doesn’t have time to take care of her own dog, but she has time to take care of random ones. Something doesn’t quite add up here, Ms. Kardashian…

Next week, the family participates in a charity boxing event.

love, MandaMo
xoxo