This week on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, we learn all about what it would be like to give to a charity IF we were fame-whores. Nothing says “helping the sick” like publicly kicking the shit out of strangers. Huzzah!
Kardashian Tip #468: For a whiter white smile, Kim multi-tasks by putting bleach in her mouth guard.
The shows starts with Bruce being honored by the Boys and Girls Club of America. And none of the girls show up because they are doing important things like eating and shopping at Target. Mom and Bruce are muy upset that the girls don’t care about charity, and actually seem surprised that they’d blow off the event. And I’m surprised that they’re surprised. Do these people know each other but at all?
Meanwhile, Bruce looks like HellBoy under the bright lights of the charity event. It’s a really tragic combination of lighting, insanely enormous forehead, and just his general meltyface woes. (And don’t even LOOK at his strange thumb! I have no explanation for THAT other than the possible mutation of the growing of a hoof hand.) Exhibit A:
Bruce moonlights as an under-the-bed devil monster to scare children at the Boys and Girls Club into doing their chores. Thus, he is honored.
Back at the house, Khloe and Kourtney are playing with Kim’s hair extensions. I mean, when they’re not being worn, her extensions really don’t have the opportunity to get out much. So they relish times when Khloe acts like they’re a big hairy poop coming out of her butt.
Much like corn, hair looks the same coming out as it does going in.
Like most other activities, this results in Khloe attempting to ride Kim like a horse. And Kim gets all angry because this somehow stretches out her jeans. (As if her giant bedonkadonk hasn’t done that for her already.) Kim gets super angry and talks about how she doesn’t like rough housing, and this, folks, is a foreshowing story segment of the day! If Kim doesn’t like acting rough, then she’ll probably end up doing something rough this episode like hiking, powder puff football, or auctioning off herself to someone for them to beat her up. You know, the usual.
Bruce is still writhing over how his family isn’t interested in charity. He says they need to learn how to help other people, so he’s going to find a charity they can participate in together. And this doesn’t include taking a random homeless man out for a manicure and make-over, NOR does it include adopting a chihuahua with a pus-filled uterus.
Over in the delusional fairy land of Kourtney and Scott, the producers — ahem — I mean, MOM has arranged for them to babysit child actors — ahem — I mean, TOTALLY REAL children. Of course Scott is against it because he is against EVERYthing including eating and breathing and even dispelling urine from his bladder. He says he has good maternal instincts as it is and doesn’t need to prove it. Just the fact that he claims to have “maternal” anything brings questions to my mind, but at least he admits that he is part girl. Scott exclaims that he’s not running a petting zoo and runs out of the room. His hair must be super confused then because it has assumed the mistaken identity of a pet gopher. I have no idea what I’m talking about, but just play along, Gasmii, because this is going to be hilarious.
Bruce calls everyone in for a family meeting!!! In an effort to keep the family grounded, they’ll have a charity boxing event. People will bid on them, and the highest bidder gets to box a different member of the family. Obviously, Kourtney can’t participate because it would be an unfair advantage with the pregnancy and all. She’s so far along that the baby’s feet are practically hanging out and have already learned to kickbox. Mom also cannot participate because she, too, has the unfair advantage of very pointy eyebrows that double as box-cutters. So that means Bruce, Khloe, Kim, Robert, and Scott will be doing this thing. No one wants to do it, so Bruce calls them chickens and verbally abuses them into submission.
All right, back over the Kourtney and Scott’s delusional love pad. Mom’s “friend” drops off her three kids, and Scott says, “Ready to get……sat?” He grabs a giant fat baby that immediately begins to scream and cry. It’s pretty much awesome.
This baby has YEARS of therapy to look forward to.
Across town, Khloe and Mom are speculating how well Kourtney and Scott are handling their babysitting duties. They are sure that Scott hasn’t a clue how to change diapers, and Khloe does a pretty hilarious imitation of Kourtney saying things in a ditzy, bored voice like, “Oh my god, baby. Does this really help your tears? What do your tears mean?” Khloe is definitely the most amusing one on the show because I really feel like she understands the absurdity of her family, and it’s great.
And it’s also accurate. Because back at the house, Scott is angrily bouncing the fat baby and yelling at Kourtney to take it off his hands. It’s true, Gasmii: Children raising children is a scary, scary thing. And Scott with a baby is terrifying. I am SO hoping that it will spit up all over his pretty little sweater and suspenders, but we have no suck luck. In the kitchen, however, Kourtney is attempting to induce a vomiting session by feeding the two older kids plates and boxes of Oreos.
Finally, Kourtney takes the baby from Scott, but it also screams at her. They say that babies and animals are good judges of character. This little guy is NO exception. Kourtney holds the baby for two seconds before giving it back to Scott. It’s like playing the game “keep-away,” but instead of using a balloon or a ball, it’s with a tiny human, which is sort of genius. Kourtney has more important things to do like soak a bag of breast milk in a bowl of water. The two older kids occupy themselves by playing on the STAIRS.
Later, they have plans to play in traffic.
Bruce stops by Kim’s house to convince her to do the celebrity boxing match because she would be the big draw. Kim can’t do it because she has a Carl’s Jr. commercial in two weeks. If someone breaks her nose, then there goes her Carl’s Jr. commercial! Um, Kim, we’ve SEEN that commercial, and you are in a BUBBLE BATH. Trust me, NO ONE is looking at your NOSE, girl. Kim says she’d rather pay the charity double whatever the winning bid would be. Bruce says the whole idea is to do something different, and the experience will make her a stronger person. She finally agrees to box as long as she can just hop into the ring and immediately fall over to instantly end the fight.
But enough about that! Back to Scott’s Petting Zoo. The little girl child is telling Scott that she was a witch for Halloween, and he’s actually doing a good job humoring her and playing around. The girl hisses and lunges at him, and he pretends to be scared and then chases the kids around the house. It seems weird, phoney, stilted, and perhaps even creepy, but Kourtney loves it. Scott even changes the diapers while Kourtney checks her Blackberry.
Need a break from holding your baby? There’s an app for that!
Somehow this whole thing makes Kourtney feel like she’s a baby mom. Scott tries to take the kids to the toy store to give them a good, old fashioned spoilin’! But Kourtney protests that she can’t be left alone to drag around her pregnant self and that enormously giant baby. Eventually the kids’ mom comes back and life is restored to normal. Well, mostly normal with the exception that Kourtney now feels like a pretty big loser. Scott comforts Kourtney telling her that the kids they babysat for aren’t THEIR kids. And when they have their own baby, they’ll be great. Wait. WHO IS THIS GUY? And where is Scott? His hair is douchey…..his sweater is douchey…..but his words are surprisingly not douchey. Maybe this is Scott’s Avatar.
The next day, our celebrity boxers go to a gym to train, which involves dancing around with a jump rope. Kim is uncoordinated and inept, but Khloe is decent because her godfather is Sugar Ray Leonard. We all know that genes are passed down magically through godparent lineage, so, yeah, she should be in good shape. Khloe and Kim get into the ring together, but Khloe just starts humping Kim and all focus is lost.
Moving right along, it’s time for everyone to be auctioned off, so we enter a small room while a small gathering of people are in what looks like a garage. Kim says most people there look like they want to help the charity, but others look like they just want to knock-out a Kardashian. And others, still, are just excited about being on TV. Like THIS guy:
Um, does this special guy want to HELP the charity? Or is the charity supposed to be helping HIM?
Bruce is bought by a doughy, dopey guy. Scott gets a smaller dude, and Khloe gets someone about her size. But Robert and Kim get enormous scary people. Oh producers! You feel me with laughter and giggles!
Before the fight, the fam chills in a hotel room when a lady named Carol Ann gets wheeled in to meet Kim. She has cancer and is supported by the charity — called the Dream Foundation — and it’s her dying wish to meet Kim. Kim makes conversation, and Carol Ann tells her to kick her opponent’s ass. Mom tells Kim to “flirt like a butterfly; sting like a bee.” HAHA! Silly mom! Kim corrects her. It’s obviously “FLY like a butterfly!” Um, DUH! No one seems to realize that it’s actually “float like a butterfly,” but we don’t expect them to know such things. They’re the Kardashians. Just sit there and look pretty and try not to think too much to cause any unsightly worry lines, ladies. Also, I should note that Bruce has some random bald son there named Burt. I’m sure they must have an excellent relationship because the only time he comes to town is to watch his dad get beat up. Good sign.
Bruce is up first. They are reminded that its exhibition for charity. Bruce does pretty good. He gets some good jabs in and of course Mom thinks he’s sexy. Bruce actually knocks the dude out and wins. He feels good about himself because, hey, he’s 60. And this fight has absolutely nothing AT ALL to do with a midlife crisis. Nope, not one bit.
Rob is up next. His opponent clobbers him with full force. No jabs, just total fighting. Rob’s masks keeps popping off, but it doesn’t keep the other dude from punching him some more. Seriously, it’s like watching Rocky Balboa with Thunderlips, who was played by Hulk Hogan in “Rocky III.” Come to think of it, “Thunderlips” would be a great nickname for Kim. Anyway, it’s pretty awful to watch. Even when Rob falls out of the ring, this total psycho dude keeps hitting him while he’s down. Seriously, where did the producers FIND this guy? Doing hard time in the clink? Is he on work-release from the state penitentiary? What the hell.
Mom is mortified but Bruce seems pretty into it. He’s been wanting to clobber Rob for YEARS.
Mom totally freaks out and threatens to pull the plug on the entire event. She decides that no one else will be participating, and, instead, she’ll just write a check to the charity by herself. Kim thinks about Carol Ann and realizes that the show must go on. She doesn’t want to be a coward in front of someone who is fighting for her life.
Kim climbs into the ring and actually does a decent job fighting back. Everyone is impressed, but Kim ultimately loses. They keep putting the camera on Carol Ann to pull at our heartstrings, and it sort of works. Sort of. We do, however, learn at the end of the episode that Carol Ann died from cancer in November. Pretty sad.
After the fight they all go to Ruth’s Chris Steak House to celebrate Bruce’s 60th. Rob is still sore from the fight but is doing okay. Bruce’s other sons, Burt and Brandon, are there. Kim remembers when they merged families and thought each other were so cool. Brandon is thankful for their family. Mom sheds a tear for the camera.
So what did you all think? Wasn’t that guy that Rob fought a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH? And how do you think Scott did with the baby?