This week on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the older sisters fight because one of them feels left out. And the younger sisters fight because one of them feels left out. But not to worry! It’s all tied up within 20 minutes time.
Cheesy scene from the opening credits of a 1970s sit-com. Followed by HILARIOUS footage of the three of them on a tandem bicycle.
The show starts with Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney hanging out in Unborn Baby Disick’s nursery, which Kim so astutely points out is “almost like a baby’s room.” It’s complete with diamond-crusted rattle and talking stuffed-animal cow with extra large udders. Kourtney shows off a creepy midget suit that Scott bought for their new baby.
It’s perfect if they want their baby to be their own personal Pee-Wee Herman.
Kim says that when the baby comes, they’ll no longer get to take spontaneous trips to Cabo. Wah-wah. Another thing that could ruin that: Getting a job. Kourtney makes a forlorn face. After thinking for a minute, she suggests that they should go on a trip while they still have a chance. Because a baby is a death sentence. As soon as you have one, you can no longer travel, leave the house, or even breathe. Everyone knows that! Because Kourtney is too pregger to fly, they decide that a quick trip to Santa Barbara is definitely in order.
In order to seal the deal, they high-five with a monster hand.
Back at the house, Kendall has put together a book of photos of herself to prove that she’d made a serious model. You can tell that she even used her VERY best laser jet printer to print off those bad boys! The pages are practically made of construction paper and stitched together with yarn. Kendy says that she’s wanted to be a model since she was, like, 7. And now that’s she’s 14, it’s time to make her dream come true. If I had followed the dream I had for myself at age 7, then I’d be running a cool diner where all the food is made out of Play-Dough and hair. Some dreams are MEANT to be abandoned, dear child. Mom smells a paycheck and promises to make some phonecalls.
Mom’s first phonecall is to Pedophiles-R-Us.
But wait! This scene isn’t over just yet! Kylie storms through the room with a majorly cranky attitude. She says that if Kendall becomes a model, then they’ll all be in her “throne path.” Throne path? I’ve never heard that expression before. Does it have something to do with the toilet?
Within the amount of time it took for Kendall to show off her photo book, the older girls are already checking into their Santa Barbara hotel. Time flies when you’re a Kardashian, apparently. That must be why they require so many plastic surgeries, I suppose. On the way to their hotel room, they make jokes about putting mayonnaise on their vaginas in order to acquire supreme vaginal shine. I didn’t even make that up, Gasmii! This is REALLY what television has come to!
They decide to make plans for horseback riding and assume that a pregnant woman can ride because Pocahontas did. (Duh.) But Doug at the stables disagrees. In cowboy times, a pregnant woman needs to know her place — barefoot inside the chuckwagon. Kourtney feels bad and tells Khloe and Kim to go without her. They’ll plan something fun for the evening, instead.
Kim and Khloe go to the ranch and saddle up. They meet a man with a very large mustache. Seriously, he must put fertilizer on that thing. I’m quite jealous, frankly. It spreads across half his face and even has its own brain.
Buy a horseback ride and get a mustache ride for free!
If you think that was gross, then get a load of this:
Extra sparkly! He must put mayo on that thing!
Back in the Jenner household, Mom is excited because the Wilhemina Modeling Agency called about Kendall. Bruce asks to speak to Mom alone because he’s worried about how the girls will handle it. He reminds her of the feuds Kim and Kourtney used to get into over their careers and says he doesn’t want it to happen again. Mom says it won’t because Kendall is “not that kind of girl.” Oooooo BURN! Kim must have been Mom’s rough draft. She messed up and turned her into a mean girl, but plans to do better this time around by once again introducing her kids to modeling at age 14. How could that possibly be a bad idea? Bruce is none-too-pleased.
This is Bruce’s worried face. And his sexy face. And his angry face. Confused face. Hungry face. Etc.
Up in Santa Barbara, Kim and Khloe find an abandoned boat to watch the sunset from. They decide not to call Kourtney because there’s no way a slow, pregnant lady can make it there by sundown. They share a tender moment where they practically look like they might start making out, and then Khloe ruins all the magic by looking dead into the camera.
Geez. You think they’d be used to the cameras by now.
After this very special reality tv bonding moment, they call Kourtney who is bored and painting her nails back at the hotel. She’s angry that they walked on the beach without her and hangs up on them. Khloe says she’ll make it better by smearing mayo on her prego belly, but something tells me that not all the mayo’d bellies in the world can solve this catastrophe!
They head to dinner, and Kourtney says she wants to sightsee the next day. Kim and Khloe decide to do a little “wine tasting” at dinner. But “wine tasting” really means “binge drinking” when you’re a Kardashian. Kourtney says the most annoying thing to a pregnant person is the smell of alcohol and drunk people. Wow. It’s amazing that she made it 8.5 months living with Scott and his daiquiri-filled douchebag scent.
Wine tastings typically consist of 3-5 different wines. Most people understand this doesn’t mean all at the same time.
They get back to the room, and keep drinking. Khloe puts mayo on Kim’s foot and then chases Kourtney with said mayo, but Kourtney isn’t in the mood to play “Mayonnaise Mask on the Vagina with Khloe,” so she goes to bed. Is that whole episode just an ad placement for mayo or what? If this is how they want me to crave that crazy condiment, then they are seriously failing.
“Leave me alone! I just want to read articles about my own life! OMG, I wore WHAT to the Grammy’s??”
The next morning, Kourtney gets up to get ready for a day of breakfast and shopping, but the other girls won’t get out of bed because they’re hungover. Like that wasn’t predictable, right?! How could Kourtney even be surprised? I saw that coming a million miles away, and I haven’t even lived with them for 30 years. Or ever.
The sisters finally get up and go to the beach with Kourtney. They even rent a three person bike with an awning. But Khloe and Kim won’t stop complaining about being cold and tired, so Kourtney asks to go home. On the way back to the hotel, Kourtney says she doesn’t want to stay there another night and would rather just go home.
Back in L.A. Kendall is interviewing with Wilhemina. Some lady with only bangs for a whole head of hair says they’ll take some Polaroids and set up a test shoot. A hyper lispy guy at the meeting excitedly asks if Kendall’s friends will be jealous of her, and Mom says her sister will be.
They go home, and Mom scolds Kendall for eating cookies. If she’s going to be a model, then she needs to be NUTRITIOUS. (RE: anorexic.) Kylie enters the kitchen and announces that she also made a book of pictures. Mom says before they look at it, she should ask how Kendall’s meeting went. Kendall says that Kylie is trying to take her shine and that’s not even cool!!! She should make her OWN shine! All she needs is a little mayo! They get into a whiney high-pitched fight that explodes my eardrums and Bruce yells to cut it out. Bruce tells her to take her book and go and says that her day will come. Kylie throws her book and is grounded. It’s kind of super awesome in a hilarious pre-teen tantrum kind of way. And pretty funny considering that I can’t tell them apart at ALL, so I have no idea who is screeching at who, and it all makes Bruce’s exasperated face melt a little bit more.
How DARE you steal my shine!
In Santa Barbara, the girls are packed and ready to head home, and Kourtney is pissed about leaving even though it was her idea. Khloe says that she told them to go horseback riding without her, so she shouldn’t be mad. Kim says that their lives are different — Kourtney’s having a baby and Khloe’s married. Kourtney says she wishes they never came. They ride home in silence. Kourtney says her expectations were too high, but they’ll never get to vacation again. We live through a montages of sisterly moments — them laughing, comforting each other, and having mayonnaise-coated cooter dances. Kourtney breaks the silence in the car because she has to pee. And although she’d prefer to keep her dignity and just silently pee into a travel thermos like any respectable person, she uses it as an excuse to break the ice.
Kourtney confesses that she’s not good with change and she just wants them to stay close. Kim says they’ll grow even closer and it will be different in a good way. Khloe says, Sisters foreva! Awwww!!!!!
Kim gets home to find Kylie lounging around on the couch in a velour jumpsuit. She had to stay behind from the day’s activities because she’s grounded. Kylie says even though they were both fighting, Kendall wasn’t grounded because Mom favors Kendall. Kim says that everyone always thinks Mom favors someone else. Kim says that even though Khloe wanted a perfume deal like Kim, but she didn’t want Kim to NOT do the perfume. Kylie says she feels better that it’s normal for sisters to fight and be competitive. Kim says that Khloe always wanted to be a model, but she was in the front row during Kim’s first runway show. That’s what Kylie should do for Kendall.
“Khloe wanted to make a sex tape with Ray J too. But does that mean she didn’t buy a copy of mine? No!”
Mom is doing Kendall’s nails when Kylie comes in and says that she’s sorry and loves her. Mom says it’s so sweet that she could cry. We see Kendall’s photo shoot for Forever 21, and Kourtney is magically no longer afraid of change.
After the photoshoot, Kendall goes to judge a 1950s drag race.
Next week, Khloe makes a sexy video for Lamar. And Kourtney is afraid that sex will hurt her baby.
What did you all think? Was Kourtney over-reacting? What do you think about a 14-year-old modeling? And was that dude’s mustache RAD or what?