This week’s episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is embarrassing for everyone involved. But especially Khloe.
Need I say more?
We start the episode in bed with Khloe and Lamar. He has something to show her, and it’s a riding crop, of course. He says that if she doesn’t get her homework done, then he will spank her with it. Tonight is Lamar’s first basketball game of the season, and Khloe is happy that they have time to cuddle beforehand. And, by “cuddle”, she really means spank each other. He spanks her a few times, and she keeps telling him that it doesn’t hurt and that he needs to be a man. Maybe Mom should sit on the sidelines and give advice on whether he’s doing it correctly. You KNOW Mom would totally be up for that! Is anyone else already terrified of this episode? I’ve only written one paragraph so far, and I already totally have the heebs. But the show must go on…
We jump ahead a few hours to a Lakers game and learn that Lamar is about to receive his championship ring, so the entire Kardashian klan is there to support him. Khloe uses this is a segue to give us an intense math lesson. HALF of Lamar’s games are HOME. And HALF of Lamar’s games are AWAY. And there are 82 games. So if a train leaves Calabasas at 1 p.m., traveling at 90 mph, and a rhombus meets a parallelogram at a gay bar and they birth a baby triangle, then that means that Lamar will be traveling half the season. That is more than a co-dependent spouse can possibly bear!
Back at the house after the game — or at some point in time because we never really know with this editing, considering that Khloe was watching one of Lamar’s games on tv in the last episode — Lamar is tickling Khloe. And Kim is cuddling with some unidentified girl. If she’s a regularly occurring character who I’ve forgotten, then please forgive me. This show obviously kills my brain cells and lowers my IQ. So you can’t blame me for goofing on details. I mean, you could. But you’d be rude.
The role of Reggie Bush will now be played by Anita Miller. (Please pretend NOT to notice.)
Kim asks how Lamar feels about going away, and he says that he’s used to being on the road for work. And Khloe needs to get used to it too. Kim understands because she’s been in the same situation with Reggie. (Which is why she’s hired a stand-in in Anita. [And, no, Anita isn't really that girl's name. (I just made that up. [How am I doing on parentheses usage, folks?])])
Reggie changes the subject and says he’s a “beau” now. B-E-A-U. Khloe says he’s never heard that term before, and he loves it. Ah, it’s baby’s first “beau!” I remember the first time I was exposed to the word. I think I read it in a Tiger Beat magazine and thought it was pronounced “boo.” Lamar says he’s a sex symbol now and will wear bowties all the time. Or shall we say BEAU-ties? Har har…wow.
Across town, Scott molests Kourtney while she brushes her teeth. Kourtney says she’s been denying Scott sex and tells him there’s no room in her vagina for anything else. After all, there are already baby feet hanging out of there. Scott says he’s not asking to park a dump trunk in there, he just wants in. And from the looks of Scott, he shouldn’t take up much room. Just move the baby legs aside, and his pinky should fit right up there. Kourtney says that it’s not that she’s not attracted to Scott, she’s just scared that it will hurt the baby. He tells her that he hates not being able to touch the woman he loves and gets all riled up. So Kourtney threatens to kick him out onto the couch. And then I yawn and go back to eating my soup. Because if you’ve seen one of Scourtney’s fights then you’ve seen them all.
Douchebags sneak up on their prey when they are distracted by personal hygiene activities in the wild.
Khloe goes to coffee with “Anita” and tells her that Lamar’s longest trip is 16 days. The math behind that indicates that she will be without him for more than two weeks past a rhombus and a co-tangent. They have a conversation that somehow results in Khloe’s decision to make a “sexy little video.” She says that Lamar loves candy, so she will fill a bathtub full of Skittles and sit in it, wearing a tiara. Good thing his favorite thing is candy and not, say, acid. Anita warns her that she’ll have Skittles in places she’s never had before and shoots her a knowing glance.
“Last time I sat in a tub full of Skittles, I was shitting rainbows for a WEEK!”
Khloe says she first needs to find the perfect outfit. So she and Anita head to some sex establishment to buy plastic nurse clothes, collars with nipple clamps, and other things that girls like to wear on Halloween. She ends up spending $586, which Anita proclaims is a bargain. Really, Anita!? In THIS economy?! I don’t know who this girl is, but it’s obvious that she’s another socialite. Either that, or she thought the cashier meant $5.86. Oh tiny decimal — what a difference you make! Sorry guys, I don’t know why I’m all hung up on this math crap tonight.
Speaking of ridiculous people and sexy clothes, Kourtney is packing a hospital bag full of ugly nursing bras. Scott asks if that means she’s wearing sexy bras now, and it’s obvious from his condescending, objectifying facial expression that he thinks she’s not. Scott says she won’t even be naked around him, let alone have sex. Kourtney says she can’t think about sex when she’s buying nipple cream. He says she should put on some men’s underwear, nursing bras, and nipple cream, and that’s his fantasy. Then he says that having sex will make the baby come quicker. Douchily, he adds: “So are we gonna do it, or what?” Oh, Scott! Way to woo your woman with romance! When flowers fail, never hesitate to pile on the insults and attitude to get what you want. I hear that women just love that. Kourtney says that he’s being, “Really-uh sel-el-fish and insensitive-uh, and, like, don’t make fuh-un of me-uh over-uh it-uh!” With enunciation like that, no one can ever call this girl “monosyllabic.” However, we CAN call her “dumb.”
Cardigan of the Day: 1930 Preppy Prisoner Chic
Kourtney shuts Scott out of the bedroom. Time passes, and he asks to come in. He apologizes and says he didn’t mean to be rude. He says it’s the time they should be the closest and he feels the farthest. He says it’s not about the sex, it’s about feeling close to her. And he misses a lot of things. I miss a lot of things too. Like when his hair used to not be so greasy and mullet-ish. Really though, what’s up with that? Is he using her nipple cream to wash his hair with? Kourtney tells us that Scott has a point. Scott should write a book called “How to Manipulate Vulnerable Pregnant Girls.” Seriously, that was the most blatant manipulation I’ve seen in a LONG time. Does anyone really believe that crap about wanting to be close to her? He’s just horny and evil.
Kourtney decides to have a family meeting with Khloe, Kim, and, of course, Mom. Because who ELSE would you tell about your sex life? I know I discuss sex issues with my mom ALL THE TIME. Kourtney tells them that she feels like the baby is so big, and she doesn’t understand how she’s supposed to fit another thing inside of her. Okay, doesn’t she realize that this totally defies logic? I mean, I know I joke that she’s so big that baby legs are hanging out, but there aren’t any baby parts in the vagina at all…yet.
Mom says that she realizes Kourtney is afraid, but nothing will hurt the baby. She announces that she has six kids and was sexually active with them all. She adds that she never had sex more than when she was pregnant. All the girls are grossed out. Mom tells Kourtney to look online and find a pregnancy sex class. Mom says having a baby made her really horny. Again, the girls wince with anguish. But when you invite Mom to participate in your sex advice circle, then this is kind of what you get. I pity no one here.
“I had THE biggest orgasm when I had Kim. What? Why don’t you want to hear about that?”
Next thing we know, Khloe is at a firehouse going down the pole with a “Khloe Cam.” Anita tapes her as she says things to the camera like, “You gotta come home so I can put your fire out.” But every time she tries to be sexy, she makes a joke and laughs because she feels self-conscious. It’s both cringe-worthy and endearing at the same time.
Sexy means LESS clothes, Khloe. Not extra, big, heavy clothes!
Next, she gets naked and climbs into a tub while Anita pours candy all over her. Khloe complains that the candy hurts her. Anita, you see, is an expert pourer. She is sure to stand just high enough that the candy has far enough to fall to reach maximum velocity. And she ALWAYS aims right at the boobs. After all this effort and pain, Khloe doesn’t know what to say when the camera is rolling. She squeaks out some baby voice gibberish and then licks her lollypop and giggles. It’s pretty awful, but Anita seems into it.
Taste the Rainbow
Meanwhile, I am thinking about Scott. And I’m thinking about how douchey he is. There is really only ONE thing that could make him any more douchey than he already is. And that, my friends, is a purple silk robe. Oh! Well what do we have here?:
Doucheness is officially operating at full capacity.
Kourtney tells Scott that she’s looking up pregnancy sex classes per the suggestion of her mother, and Scott is happy that she told her mom. Kourt hopes the class will help her be less anxious. Scott says that he’s excited to go to the weird sex class if it means he can get in her panties again — er, he means, be CLOSE to her again in a totally emotional and non-manipulative kind of way. Duh.
Later, Khloe tells Kourtney about her video montage and has Kourtney videotape her in a school girl outfit spanking herself with a ruler. Kourtney says she is not sexy, so Khloe comes out in a crotchless bunny suit. Kourtney says that Khloe should just make it cute and funny in order to save the video because she is NOT sexy at all. Kourtney choreographs a scene where Khloe hops around and then shakes her bunny tail. It is so awkward and mortifying because Khloe looks super uncomfortable and like she’d rather be rolling around in glass than hopping around in a sheer bunny suit.
Kourtney and Scott go to pregnancy sex class, taught by Helen who looks like one of Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends. From behind gauzy robes and plush pillows, she asks whose into rabbit sex and then instructs rabbit sexers to slow down. She makes them simulate slow sex and do squats onto each others’ faces. I am quietly hoping they didn’t pay too much for this course. Of course, Scott who is wearing a SUIT is insensitive the whole time and scoffs at anything that involves cuddling because feeling close to her shouldn’t involve cuddling! Somehow this makes Kourtney feels relieved.
Why do all sex therapists always look like store-front astrologers?
Kourtney goes home and helps Khloe pick sexy music for her video. Khloe says the tape is awful, and she gets a look on her face like she might actually throw up. She worries that Lamar will never come home if he sees the tape. She gets upset and says she can’t give it to him. Kourtney says that she’s obviously not a porn star but that’s not what Lamar wants her to be. He likes her as she is!
The siblings all hang out with Lamar that night because he leaves the next morning for his first roadtrip. A pizza comes, and Rob doesn’t have cash, and Scott only has hundreds because that’s what douchebags carry. So they find Khloe for dough. I am very confused as to where this scene is going, but then I realize that it is slowly leading to a producer-provoked embarrassing climax. Khloe hollers to look in her purse for money, and Rob and Scott see the sexy DVD in her purse. They decide to play it in front of an unknowing Lamar. Lamar is confused and then laughs. Khloe hears the laughing and runs over to turn it off. Scott acts like a total asshole and starts screaming, “MY EYES!” And I can’t believe Rob is watching it at all! Why is incest such a theme on this show?
Lamar asks if it was a joke, and Khloe gets sad and leaves the room. Rob tells the guys that she’s probably embarrassed and upset, so Lamar goes to find her. She tells him that no one else was supposed to see it. I mean, even though she filmed it while on a national television show where all of us at home are obviously watching right now, no one was supposed to ever see it!! Lamar says he wants to keep it and tells her that she’s the sexiest person in the world. He tells her that he loves the movie, and she’s happy.
Across town, Scott is lighting some candles in the bedroom and sprinkled rose petals on the bed for Kourtney. Scott shuts the door, and we are left to imagine that they are having pregnant, non-rabbit sex in there. The next morning, they visit the Kardash fam and are all glowy and kissy. This inspires Bruce to force a make-out session on Mom, and everyone screams because it’s gross.
So that’s it for this episode Gasmii! Keeping Up with the Kardashians was also on Monday night this week, so I’ll have that recap up within the next couple days. See ya then!