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OMG, y’all! Monday’s special hour-long episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was so outrageous and insane that I don’t even need to insert my own snark. I could just transcribe it directly, and it would still be crazy for you guys to read. Seriously, it was nutso. And if you didn’t think Scott was a narcissistic douchebag before, then be prepared to see the light.
We start the episode at a yummy restaurant with Kim and her PR person. I think his name is PJ, DJ, or some other initiular name. I totally just made up the word “initiular,” but I have a good feeling that you’re all still following me. With his big teeth and flat-ironed hair, he looks just like that Cojo character from Entertainment Tonight. You know, before Cojo got all bleached and puffy looking.
So Cojo heard that Kim’s not having a birthday party this year. Kim is all shocked because she told her Mom to book her party at Tao in Vegas. And it’s pronounced “Tow” like “Ow” as in “Ow, Scott just bit my ear off.” Not pronounced like Dow, as in the Eastern religion, which is probably how it is technically supposed to be pronounced. But enough technicalities! This is KIM’S BIRTHDAY that we’re talking about here! Let’s not get distracted in the silly details. For the last couple of years, Kim has “worked” at Tao for her birthday. And by working, it means that she gets paid to party there. She doesn’t want to turn down this “work,” and who would? I’d love to get paid to stay at a Travelodge let alone the Venetian. Somehow there was a miscommunication between Manager Mom and the manager at Tao. Cojo warns that if people think Kim can’t keep her word, then her reputation will be destroyed and she’ll end up like MC Hammer. Well this guy certainly has the flair for drama. But if this guy actually expected to star in this episode, then he should have picked an episode where Scott didn’t flip his lid because he’s about to be out-dramafied.
Kim goes home and asks Mom why her party didn’t get booked. Mom tells Kim that she works 364 days a year. Why would she work on her birthday? Well, because everyone parties on their birthday. And it’s even better to get paid to party. I mean, that’d be my guess. But because the Kardashians are delusional and love calling non-work things “work,” this conversation actually keeps going. Kim says she can’t break her word to the nightclub manager, so she needs to go. But she needs to be back early the next morning to seductively eat hamburgers for a Carl’s Jr. commercial.
Okay, blah blah blah whatever whatever. Do we really care about Kim being a workaholic? I didn’t think so. Not when we know that Scott is about to implode and ruin everyone’s live. So let’s just move along, shall we?
Over at Henry’s Farmer’s Market, Scott is shopping for healthy food to keep Kourtney healthy. Probably just a thinly veiled plot to already force her to lose the baby weight, but whatevs. Kourtney, who is proving herself to be THE most dense character in the history of television, says that something’s clicked with Scott. He’s been trying harder to be a father and is working for Quick Trim and working hard at it. We see footage of him having some sort of Quick Trim business meeting with one of Scott Baio’s ex-girlfriends.
I love that this is the expression her face makes when she looks at Scott.
And don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. If you’re watching this garbage, then you watched that Scott Baio train wreck right along with me as well. I quickly googled “Quick Trim” and it’s some strange weightloss cleanse. I wonder if it makes you poop all over yourself like Alli. And, hey, wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith on Quick Trim. Uh, yeah, no red flags there. But, then again, if Scott’s hawking it, then we know it’s gotta suck.
Back at the house, everyone is talking about Quick Trim. Mom explains that GNC is one of her new business partners, so she’ll all involved with supplement crap now. And she helped get Scott a job with Quick Trim. She tells Scott that it’s great he has a real job, so that he’s no longer doing whatever he was doing before. Like wearing a purple silk robe and brainwashing her oldest daughter. Kourtney interrupts and tells Mom not to be so critical. But Mom keeps heaping it on. She says that Lamar and Reggie are obviously set for life. And Robert is developing a whole skincare line (yeah right). But what is Scott doing? Other than making villainry a full-time job? She wants her grandchild to have a good life. Scott tells us that no matter how much he succeeds, it will never be enough for Mom. And Kourtney is like, “Geez, Mom! He’s not retarded!” Wow, what a strong case. He’s not nice and he’s not successful, but at least he’s not retarded! That should be his slogan: “Scott: Not a Retard!” That’s like saying, “Domino’s Pizza: It Won’t Make You Barf!” Not exactly a glowing statement.
And of course Scott is so disagreeable that he disagrees with not being retarded.
In Vegas, we’re at the Venetian with Kim and the fam. They are staying in an 8,000 square-foot penthouse suite for free. Yes, Kim, what a hard job you have. Rob says that he and Scott are there to get drunk and have fun. And they head to the bar downstairs to guzzle beers.
Rob and Scott are getting drunker and drunker and decide to talk about how much Mom hates Scott. Scott gets an evil look on his face and says it’s impossible to please her, so he’s not going to try. And then he switches to Petron, extra cold. What is it with reality tv villains and Petron??? First Spencer and now Scott?! Is Petron the official sponsor of tv douchebags or what? Scott starts giggling and we know he must be drunk. So Rob takes advantage of his drunken bro and tests the boundaries for making a move.
“Oh I was just reaching for my glass. Did I…? Did my lips…? Was that your mouth…? Sorry, bro!”
Kim is exhausted. She has to be in hair and makeup at 5 p.m., and she REALLY needs to go shopping before that. Between partying for her birthday and self-inflicted mandatory shopping, there are just not enough hours in the day. Seriously, how DOES she do it? We watch her in stores with expensive crap, trying on this and that and Jimmy Choo blah blah.
Wow, Kim. Those sunglasses totally bring out your cheekbones. Amazing.
Khloe calls and says that Lamar has bruised shins, so cancel her hair and makeup. Mom scolds her for missing Kim’s bday. Khloe says that Mom is retarded because she’s obviously still coming, but she just doesn’t need hair and makeup any more. I love how the subtitle says “Khloe Odom,” as if we really need her last name. Khloe says she needs to focus on her husband who is injured. Whereas I admire her for prioritizing her husband over a hair appointment, the rest of the Kardashians remark how weird it is.
Back to Scott and Rob… After binge drinking for who knows how long, they are now back in the hotel suite fake fighting. Or acting out repressed homosexual desires. However you want to look at it. They throw everything all over the place — pillows, books, their dignity. But Rob needs to leave to pick up his hooker, er, “friend.” Yeah, that’s it. “Friend.” *cough cough* So he grabs this mysterious “female acquaintance” and brings her back to the room. Scott calls him out for buying a hooker and points out — correctly — that the girl looks JUST like Kim. And she totally does, for seriously.
Really, Kardashians? Again with the incestuous fantasies?
Scott continues to be insane, saying things like, “Those are nice boots. I want to know what they would look like over Rob’s shoulders.” He continues to babble about wanting to see them have sex and some of his words are bleeped out. He’s wearing a robe and smoking and just a total hot-mess at this point. Rob tries to kick Scott out, and eventually the Kim Twin walks out, and Scott asks something about her placenta, although it’s unclear what he actually says and I’m now paralyzed because he just said the word “placenta.”
Scott goes back to his room and passes out. Rob is pissed that he was cockblocked, so he takes off his shirt and jumps on top of sleeping Scott. Then they spoon and snooze for awhile…until Kourtney comes in.
Hearing Kourtney, Scott and Rob wake up and start humping each other. Kourtney wants to know: (A) Why he’s never tried those moves on her; and (B) If they realize how annoying they are. She leaves the room, and Scott shouts for her to come back with his baby. Wow, these dudes are EXHAUSTING me. And we still have so much further to go. This would be a good time to pause and go get a snack, Gasmii. I’ll meet you right back here with a Poptart.
Now it’s an hour until the event and Scott is spraying Rob with a water bottle. But it doesn’t look quite like water. It seriously looks like they are playing out some creepy S&M jizz fantasy. And I’m sorry because I know that’s really gross, but it’s the first thing that popped into my mind. This episode is so wacked out that it’s beyond all comprehension.
Aww yeah. Make sure he’s good and soiled.
The girls, who are doing hair and makeup in the bathroom of the same suite, are not pleased. Scott is slapping at Rob and then actually decks him in the face. Rob gets pissed and rips off his own shirt, so Scott rips off his shirt too. These dudes LOVE being naked together, what can I say? Scott grabs Rob and BITES HIS EAR until Rob says it’s going to bleed. In a tired and bored voice, Kourtney tells them to stop acting like “drunk slob kabobs” respect Kim. Scott says that it’s Vegas so she needs to lighten up. Everyone engages in ear-biting in Vegas, so calm down.
Well then Mom shows up, and she is FURIOUS because her business partners are coming, and everyone is acting crazy. Rob smacks Scott in front of her and then shoves him into the wall. It’s so weird because they are joking. But then one of them will take it too far and the other one will get mad. And then they aren’t joking. And then they start joking again. So the fighting is half-real and half-fake. Through clenched teeth, Mom orders them to stop rolling around on the floor. And then Rob starts bleeding from his finger tip, of all places. He yells that he wants to know who did this to him and then starts feasting on his own blood.
Move over Robert Pattinson! There’s a new vampire in town!
Mom yells at Scott to sit down while Rob drinks his own blood. She asks what the hell is going on. Rob laughs and blames the girls. Kourtney says that the guys can’t come to dinner because she doesn’t need to hang out with drunken losers. But Mom screams at Rob to get his fucking clothes on. I’m actually impressed by Mom for being a Mom and trying to end the madness. Also, it was pretty cool when she dropped the F-bomb.
Keith, who we find out is Scott’s boss, calls, and Mom snaps out of “Mom mode” and puts on a happy friendly voice. Mom then tells Rob that she’s disappointed that he allows himself to be influenced by Scott and is ruining Kim’s birthday. She tells Kim that Scott is not allowed to come on any more trips.
Then there is a lot of drama because Kim’s private plane back to L.A. gets canceled, and Mom has to book them a commercial flight. This upsets Kim because she has too many shopping bags to fit on a commercial plane. Mom says that he kids are annoying and says she needs champagne. This prompts Kim to call her a drunk to which Mom replies that she the most sane out of everyone. Let’s face it: they may be true, but it’s really not saying much. Mike Tyson looks more sane than Rob and Scott at this point, so it’s not that hard to do.
Rob pretends to hit Scott. Mom tells Scott to go away because his boss is coming and he’ll lose his job. Mom says, “I hate him. I fuckin’ hate him. He’s going to mess up my business deal.” Instead of respecting that, Rob tackles Scott to the ground. There’s a knock on the door, and Scott says that if it’s the police not to look at them in the eye. Oh how I wish it were the police! I’d love to see Scott take a perp walk. His greasy mullet would fit right in.
Who wants to play “Hide the Salami?”
But it’s not the police. It’s Mom’s business partners from GNC. Scott goes to talk to Kourtney and tell her that he loves her. She says her fetus is more mature than him. Then Keith, Scott’s boss, interrupts them. Kourtney tells Scott to shower and take a nap and not come to dinner. With the door open, Scott flings off his towel and yells, “Do you like that, boys?!” Ugh. He’s so gross that I can’t even handle it.
Be careful; Rob might see this as an invitation.
After Scott showers, he climbs into bed. And if you haven’t seen ANY of the commercials for this episode, then you might think he’s actually going to be mature enough to skip the dinner. But because it was wildly advertised, we know that we haven’t even seen the worst of it.
Kim walks the red carpet and then sits down at her bday dinner. Mom is glad that Scott isn’t there and that Robert seems reasonably sober. Then Scott struts in in his Willy Wonka purple suit. Mom says she wants to kill him. When we come back, Scott is choking Mom’s fat business partner and practically sends the man into coronary failure. Kourtney says she knows that Scott is out of control, but she doesn’t know what to do. Scott talks nonstop and orders a multiple drinks.
Mom tells Scott to keep yelling because maybe he’ll lose his voice. Scott says he’ll jump across the fuckin’ table at Mom. Kourtney can’t believe she thought he changed. Yeah, neither can we, Kourt. Mom tells the server to only give Scott water from now on. Scott yells at the server that he wants a vodka and flashes some dollar bills. When he doesn’t get a response, he gets up. He tells the server that when he orders a drink, he expects a drink. Very nicely, the server agrees but says he can’t because of Mom’s request. Mom says she knows that Scott is taking his anger out on the waiter when he’s really mad at her. Scott gets into the server’s face and the server very sternly tells him to back off. The family looks on in horror.
Way to pick on an effeminate server. Just ONCE I’d love to see him get in the face of a former marine or the Incredible Hulk.
Scott tells the server to shut his mouth and then STICKS A DOLLAR BILL INTO HIS MOUTH. Wow. That is definitely deserving of an upcoming perp walk. What an a-hole. Rob says that sobered him up fast because he doesn’t want to be that guy. Mom tells Scott to leave and everyone starts yelling at Kourtney. Kourtney says she won’t talk to him, and it’s fine if they arrest him. Kim tells Mom that she’s too pregnant to handle it, so she goes to talk to Scott herself.
Too bad he didn’t bite Scott’s finger off!
Kim tells Scott that he’s not funny and that Kourtney is in tears. Scott says that Kourtney knew the guy she was getting involved with when she met him, so she shouldn’t be surprised. Kim says he’s too drunk to understand and tells him to go back to the room. Scott says that he needs to celebrate the birthday because if Kim isn’t going to drink then he’s going to.
Kim goes back to recount the story to the table. Kourtney is upset that he’s not even apologizing and says she’s going back to LA in the morning with Kim. The last thing that Kim wants to do is host a party but she has to. She says hi to a club and tells them to party and leaves.
Right after dinner, Mom flies back to Calabasas by herself. She tells Bruce that it was one of the worst nights of her life. Bruce is surprised that everyone is just now realizing that Scott has a drinking problem. Mom says that Scott’s lucky he didn’t lose his job. Bruce says he would have knocked him out if he’d been there and says he’s not father material. Wait a minute. Scott didn’t lose his job?! How is that even possible? Why would Quick Trim want him as representation? What a joke.
Kim goes to bed at 5:30 a.m. to get a couple of hours of sleep before her flight. I love how she didn’t want to host the party, and yet still managed to stay there ALL NIGHT. Must have been rough. She’s upset that Scott isn’t back at the room yet and has left his pregnant girlfriend all by herself. Kourtney feels bad that Scott ruined Kim’s bday. She says that she needs to do the best for her and her baby, so she’s done. She doesn’t want to talk to him ever again. Rob tells Scott what he did the next morning, and he says he doesn’t remember. Rob lies in bed with Scott and calls Kourtney for him. She’s on speaker phone but doesn’t realize that Scott is listening in. She says he’s never going to change and she needs someone who will take care of her. She says she’s over it and he needs to move back to New York.
Kim and Mom head to the Carl’s Jr. commercial where Kim tries on lingerie and sexily eats hamburgers. It goes on for hours and she’s really tired. In the end, she realizes that she can’t do everything and needs to take care of herself. She goes home and tells Mom that she’s going to take two weeks off to stay in New Orleans. And she only wants five projects at a time. Mom is glad and says she needs to trust that she knows what she’s doing as a stage mom.
Scott tries to go home, but Kourtney’s already changed the locks. Scott says he needs to talk. And Kourtney tells him to tell someone who cares. He keeps knocking on the door but it’s too late….or is it? The show is to be continued.
So what do you all think? Is Kourtney done this time for real?! I sure hope so, but I fear for the worst. We’ll find out Sunday, so see you then!