Well, Gasmii, we’ve made it! It’s the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians! And it really went out with a bang, too. The bang of an exploding vagina.
We start the episode with a human-sized douche bag walking into the Kardashian home. It’s Scott. And he wants to talk to Mom and spray his douche all over the place. That’s how douches mark their territory, you see. His voice is still hoarse from the trip to Vegas, so it must just be a day or two later.
Mom tells us that she doesn’t really want to hear it, but she owes it to her daughter and grandson. They sit on the couch and Scott says he’s really sorry for his antics at Kim’s birthday, but he really doesn’t understand why she hates him. He says that it’s obvious that she treats him differently from Lamar and Reggie, and he just doesn’t get why his childish, lazy jobless, asshole douchebag self doesn’t deserve the same treatment as two respectful, mild-mannered, successful, and hard-working athletes.
Mom tears up and says that Kourtney is her whole life. And she always feels like he’s about to do something that she can’t handle. She wants Kourtney to have a man who she can trust and not feel ashamed of. Scott looks wide-eyed and nods along. Mom says he’s really crossed the line, so she can’t afford to have him in her family. Think all this drama can be tied up within the next 20 minutes? Meh. Probably.
“And now you’re giving me frown lines. This is too much to bear.”
We hop across town to Scott’s friend JJ’s house. Scott is distraught because his baby mama won’t even take his calls. JJ carefully suggests that he perhaps admit that he messed up. Scott says he’s tried to do that through multiple messages, texts, and emails. In fact, he has exhausted every venue of technology and social media to send an electronic apology through the airwaves. His facebook status even says, “So, like, are you over it yet or what?” Okay, not really, but can’t we picture that?
We float over the grey and busy streets of LA and hear Scott leaving voicemail after voicemail for Kourtney. Oh how artful, E! Network! The swirly whirly beauty of his pain is stunning. In the last one, he says, “I hope you’re safe. And I hope the little one’s okay in ya.” You know, that little parasite that’s feedin’ off your body, I hope it’s swell! He looks all forlorn and we move on…
Khloe is with Kourtney at the obstetrician, pointing out how weird it is that he’s seen Mom’s vagina and now Kourtney’s. She wonders if he thinks things like, “Oh this piece looks just like your mother’s!” Kourtney, per usual, is bored. And although Khloe is being her funny self, Kourtney doesn’t even crack a smile. She just points out, ever so logically, that her vagina should not resemble that of a woman with six kids. Well, one would hope, yes. But with this family, they’re probably born with extra-large vajayjay.
They meet with the doctor, and he says that he baby is a little big, but maybe when the husband is there — er, the boyfriend is there — er, who is that guy again? With a blaise, bored attitude, Kourtney breaks the news to the obviously very unconcerned doctor that they’re no longer together but whatever, that’s fine. Totally fine. Who cares.
“No longer together? That’s going in your file.”
Kourtney says that it’s sinking in that she’s going to be raising the baby alone, and it’s very scary. Khloe holds her hand during her sonogram as we watch her giant baby roll around the womb and rudely demand food.
Back at Kourtney’s house, Khloe tells her that Roy called her because Danielle called him to say that Erica called her to say that she’s moving to LA and quitting Dash Miami. Carrie and Lenny also quit, so they only have two employees. I never watched their other show, so I have no clue who they are talking about, but I think a feeling that they are setting us up for season 2 of Miami.
Oh, also, Khloe adds that Scott came by the store today to apologize and talk. Kourtney says she knows she’ll have to talk to Scott eventually because of the baby. Then she spouts off some crap about he’s cool 90 percent of the time. Okay, did this girl flunk math or what? I think she means that he’s cool about 0.9 percent of the time. I mean, in what world does this man get a 90? That’s like an A- in life when he’s clearly failing.
“Kourtney, don’t try using numbers. It’s not your strong suit.”
Khloe shoots a judgmental glare and says that Scott has always been this way. He only pretended to be good after Kourtney got preggo. But he was definitely not always a good guy. I really hope this talking-to penetrates the cloud Kourtney’s delusions, but I know better than that.
Kourtney visits Mom to pick her up for dinner when Scott texts her with more of his electronic apologies. Kourtney says he definitely woke up and feels embarrassed for his insane actions of SHOVING MONEY INTO A WAITER’S MOUTH. She says Scott’s not all that bad because he does deal with her moods. Oh geez. We ALL have moods, lady. Even the dudes. No one should get any credit for putting up with humans for merely being humans. That’s just a simple requirement for life!
Mom says that it sounds like she’s considering taking him back and is making excuses for him. They argue a little bit because Mom says that Scott needs to grow up and Kourtney says not everyone can be perfect.
Geez, what’s IN there?! A pterodactyl?
Kourtney lets Scott come over to talk. She says the way he was acting was scary and she doesn’t want to be his Mom. Scott decides to blame the family by saying they belittle him instead of taking accountability for his own actions. Kourtney tells him not to blame things on her Mom because their relationship is about the two of them. Scott says he fell off the path of being good but, in the big picture, the only thing he wants is to be there for her and the baby. Kourtney says she obviously loves him and wants to make it work. She asks him to stop by the baby shower. They both smile and then he asks if she wants a piece of him. Ugh. I am so grossed out with this that I can’t even say! After ALL of that and he just can’t wait to get a piece?! These two make Spencer and Heidi look like normal, functioning citizens.
At the baby shower, Mom chokes up because the doctor who delivered Kourtney is delivering her first grandchild. She’s been looking forward to having a grandchild forever, and Kourtney will have an amazing family WITHOUT Scott. Somehow the shower proves to Kourtney that she wants to be a career Mom because the other guests have jobs or something. Scott’s name comes up, and Mom cringes. Then how will she feel now that he’s walking in the door, I wonder? My guess is: HORRIBLE.
I love that Mom is friends with a boa-wearing, Civil War-era hat-wearing, pouting tranny. This lady steals the scene for me.
Mom wants to know why he’s there because she didn’t know he was invited. Kourtney didn’t tell Mom because it’s her life and her choice. Mom pulls her aside and tells her to have a little self-respect and stop taking him back. Everyone glares at Scott and looks uncomforable as Scott traipses around the house. All right, whatever, we know she’s going to take him back. Let’s move on and get to the exploding vagina part.
Four weeks later, Kourtney’s water breaks and continues to leak as she gets out of bed and walks down the hall. We watch everything via Scott Cam, and Kourtney talks about the water dripping down her legs.
Said in Kourtney’s bored voice: “Oh my god. What is this water. What does this water even mean. Is my baby crying inside?”
They should go to the hospital, right? Sure, maybe in a little bit. First, she needs to do laundry, take a shower, shave, and even put on make-up. Seriously, I’m not even joking. She says she doesn’t want to be gross when the baby arrives. Okay, well, then, no one tell her about how most women push so hard that they poop then! Scott says he’s not as nervous as he thought he’d be because he just wants the baby out already so he can be the sole owner of that vagina.
“You hear that, baby? You stop taking that vagina hostage and you give it back to me.”
At 11:54 p.m. Kylie says the baby’s birthday will PROBABY be Dec. 14, unless, you know, she squeezes it out real quick within the next six minutes. Then she smiles, tosses her hair, and obnoxiously works the camera. Scott keeps putting the camera in his face to give us seriously close-up pictures of every pore on his zits. Mom shows up around 3 a.m. Khloe and Kim arrive around 5:30. Kim left in the middle of a shoot with hair extensions in. Only two people are allowed in the room, so Kim hides in the closet and peeks out. Somehow no one notices.
See the tiny alien arm?
Kourtney is pushing and it’s really grossing me out. Seriously, my uterus is CRYING out in pain and my ovaries are tightening. Khloe is holding her leg as she gives birth and Kourtney is totally bored with this entire ordeal. Like, when can see go home, like? Kourtney looks down and watches her baby come out and then reaches down, GRABS him, and PULLS HIM OUT. Scott cuts the cord as Kourtney holds him. Scott is wide-eyes and says it’s unreal. They name him Mason Dash Disick. Kourtney boredly says, “How crazy is that?” Okay, this girl just gave birth and couldn’t care less. Can someone please give her some uppers to even her out a little? Scott says he’s so happy he’s there and is overwhelmed with joy. Mom cries and says she’s so proud of her.
Khloe says, “I can’t believe you just pulled out your own baby. I think you ripped something. That’s not normal.” Kim says he’s so hairy and Armenian and looks just like their dad. The baby is all gray and slimey, and I can hardly write this because I’m having some sort of weird physiological reaction.
Back at the house, Kim brings her publicists to a family meeting. Khloe and Kourtney announce that they are going back to Miami. Mom says it’s sick to rip a baby away from it’s grandmother. The Miami store fells apart, so they want to stabilize it. Scott says it’s perfect for him because he wants to own a club in Miami. Khloe says she doesn’t want to leave Lamar, and Bruce says no one should leave their husband after four months. Kourtney says she’s doing it for Mason and his future. Bruce says it’s irresponsible. Khloe says she won’t stay there but will come back and forth. Kim makes out with the baby and this season is over!
So what did you all think? Can you believe she took Scott back? Can you believe another season is over?
Until next time…