Keeping Up With The Kardasians: Meltyface Is An Asshole

This week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim shops too much, Kourt probably does something but who cares, Khloe gets asked to pose for Peta and Meltyface pisses me off. Let’s get right to it!

This week starts out with Kourt and Khloe at a cosmetic surgeons office. It seems Khloe feels she is a lard ass and wants to do something about it. She tells the Dr. that when she waves at someone her arm should not be waving too. And she shows her.

It’s like a tidal wave of LARD!

Khloe doesn’t want to go so far as lipo so the doc suggests a procedure called Velashape. Apparently Kim has had it on her ass. Kourt tells us that Khloe has always had body issues because people are always comparing her to herself and Kim. No, little one, they compare her to Kim. No one knows who the hell you are. She says such comparisons are not fair because Khloe is a huge ass dinosaur while she herself is a petite little fairy.

I tried to tell her she’s just big boned. Really really big boned.

As the doc starts the Velashape procedure Khloe starts cracking up.

Seriously, I’m gonna pee!

Next we see Kim and Kourt shopping. At first I thought they were at Dash and had an actual customer but the lady turned out to be a saleswoman. After Kourt tells us she worries about Kim’s spending, the saleswoman tells her the total. $19,723.00

And for being such a great customer, here’s a free pen.

Cut to a montage of Kim’s spending habits. And Kourt’s disapproval. According to Kourt, Kim’s spending habits have increased as she’s made more money. Well slap me silly. I always wait until I am broke and then go on a shopping spree. Kim is a sick sick woman!

Over at Dash now, Khloe is reading from a website where someone is calling her a tranny, a beast etc. Kourt tells us that it breaks down Khloe’s self confidence when she’s constantly being called an amazon creature. Uh no one called her that. Those are your words deadface.

You’re not a tranny. They have smaller bones.

Khloe says reading that makes her want to kill herself. And just then, a total coinkydink I am sure, the phone rings. It’s Peta and they want Khloe’s amazon tranny ass to pose nude for their organization!

I love meat! Lots and lots of meat!

Khloe giggles and says she’s not a veggie head and there must be some mistake. Nope. No mistake. They want her. She sets up an appointment. Then she tells her dead eyed sisters the wonderful news. Khloe then says she thinks maybe Peta wants to hold her hostage until Kim gives up her chinchilla coats.

We think you are being Punk’d.

Later at Dash, still with no customers, KabbagePatch makes an appearance. Khloe tells her Kim has a serious shopping problem. Kourt tells her she spent 20 grand in one shop. What to do? KabbagePatch offers that first she has to admit she has a problem. But they can’t go to AA so where on earth do they go for help? Well to the internetwebbie thing. Kourt finds a specialist who deals with Kim’s horrid illness and sets up a meeting.

As God is my witness, I shall save my baby from the demon shopping!

Khloe meanwhile is off to the Peta offices. She tells us she thinks of Peta as an extremist organization that throws paint on people. Well, don’t they? Still she goes on in because hell, it ain’t every day someone wants to take her picture. She walks in and there is a doggie laying on the floor.

Hey aren’t you Kim Kardashian’s brother?

Michele, the Peta rep, tells Khloe that she heard that she use to want to be a veterinarian when she was little. Yes she did. This has convinced Michele that Khloe must be a very compassionate person. Khloe is a little afraid and wants to think about it. Michele decides since she has her there, to show her some “videos”. She warns her that some of the footage is graphic. Khloe says oh no prob, I’ve already seen Kim’s big ass sex tape. Oh wait she means fur people videos. Of the animals being killed. Why did I get up this morning?

What they show is too disturbing even with parts blurred out. It’s sick and disgusting and heartbreaking. And it was probably just the thing to put Khloe over the edge and agree to pose. Hell at this point I’d pose. Making people violently ill would probably be counter productive to the campaign though so for now I’ll just be outraged. Miss Sunshine Michele tells us that they break bunnies necks and sometimes use anal and genital electrocution. Khloe tells us she will never wear fur again. Miss Sunshine presses forward and tells her that if Khloe does this she would be saving countless animals. And so she agrees!

Ok, you can let him out of the basement now.

Back at Meltyface Manor, KabbagePatch is getting snockered so she doesn’t have to see Meltyface in focus. Oh and they are setting up for Kim’s intervention. Kourt says she’s gonna be pissed. Uh yeah. If some whiny dead faced broke ass relatives started lecturing me about spending my own damn money, I’d be a little irritated. Doorbell!

Hey, you’re not Dr. Phil!

Not Dr. Phil introduces himself to everyone. He then explains that they are going to confront Kim about her problem, but in a very loving way. Oh for the love of Ray-J!

“Can you get her to increase our allowance?”

Khloe tells us that Kim needs an outsider to tell her to put down the credit card. So she can snatch it and max it out herself. Oh look Kim has arrived! Khloe immediately hugs her and tells her she loves her.

It was all Mom’s idea!

Kim asks Khloe what the hell is wrong with her. Khloe introduces Not Dr. Phil as her “friend.” Since Kim has no clue what’s about to happen she decides she needs some food. Just as she gets a good mouthful Not Dr. Phil explains that her family is very worried about her. And Kim starts to giggle.

Who is this fucker again?

Not Dr. Phil tells Kourt to tell Kim why she is so special to her. It takes her a sec to remember her lines and then she says “I love your kindness. You are a sweet and a cute girl.HOWEVER! You tend to overspend your money. You have a shopping problem.” As Kim realizes this is an intervention, Meltyface tells her how proud her is of her and all the money she’s made and it’s great. But she spends like it’s going to last forever and it doesn’t.

Ya know why my face looks like this? THE MONEY RAN OUT!

Kim tells us this whole thing is ridiculous. Cut back to Not Dr. Phil saying “So you’ve agreed to the help and that’s great.” He also says she agreed to have Kourt take over her credit cards. Ok. So Kim hands Kourt her credit cards. Not Dr. Phil keeps yapping about happiness and wonderful and you will soon be cured and blah blah blah. Kim tells us this was a total waste of time.

I’d rather be shopping.

After Not Dr. Phil leaves Kim demands her credit cards back. This prompts the girls to dare her to come shopping with them but not buy a single thing. KabbagePatch tells us that by taking Kim to a department store they will be able to open her eyes to this insideous brain cell killing addiction before its too late.

This is just like when I taught her to count by standing on the freeway counting cars.

Off to Bloomingdales. Kourt gleefully tells us that she and KabbagePatch are challenging Kim to watch them shop while she herself buys nothing. Then we see Kourt dangling things in front of Kim and showing her all kinds of cute clothes as she’s trying them on. KabbagePatch is doing the same. Kim tells us she thinks they are just being very insensitive and frankly she’s bored.

This hurts me more than you honey.

Kim decides she’s had enough and tells them it’s been hours and she hasn’t bought anything and she is bored and is leaving. Kourt says “Bye drama!” That little freak needs a smack upside the tater. Anyway, Kourt suggests they follow Kim and catch her in her addictive behavior. KabbagePatch says no way but then follows. Kourt decides that Kim most likely flanked them and actually went right back to Bloomingdales. And she’s right. Kim is pissed off and tells them she is a grown woman and she can do what she wants.KabbagePatch tells her that’s just what an alcoholic would say. Kim calls them crazy and stomps out.

Back at Meltyface Manor Khloe is telling her friend Malika that she doesn’t know if people want to see her naked. Malika says she loves seeing her naked so everyone else will as well. Khloe says people think she’s a tranny and a “Large and in charge woman.” She then says that Peta’s cause is much more important than her own insecurities.

Over at Bloomingdales, again Kim is feeling guilty for going shopping when she promised her family she wouldn’t. She tells us she’s almost 30 and she shouldn’t have blown up at her family that way and she shouldn’t have went behind their back. Jesus lady you went shopping, you didn’t rob a bank and molest a neighbor kid! Lighten up!

I have never ever been so ashamed. Oh wait…

Khloe is telling Meltyface about the Peta campaign. She tells him about the video and her decision to not wear fur anymore. He looks like he’s about to fall out of his chair.

My face skin shifted, help!

Meltyface tells us sarcastically that he’s really happy about yet another nude shot. He does admit that at least it’s sort of tastefully done. He then crosses a line. A line that most semi human men know never to cross. He asks Khloe, “Don’t you think you should lose a few pounds?”

What………did………….you……….say?

And she gives him an out. She asks him what he said and any rational thinking human would realize it and make some shit up that rhymes with it. Like-I sure think your ass looks great! But no, Meltyface is entirely too stupid to live.

Seriously WideLoad, you should jog or something.

Before Khloe can respond Little K tells Meltyface that Khloe is perfect just the way she is.

Daddy am I a fat ass too?

Meltyface just keeps digging and basically asks the question again. Khloe replies that she has a rock hard body and she is just a bigger individual. Meltyface agrees..that she’s a big ass individual. And then says again that she could lose a few pounds.

I’m just keeping it real Pudge Dawg.

Khloe gets up to leave and Meltyface tells her it’s nothing major and also its why she wears black. She yells back that she wears black because she’s depressed. No wonder they keep his ass in the basement!

Later at Smooch, without a customer in sight, KabbagePatch is bitching about some shit and Kourt is doing some shit and in walks Kim. She apologizes for her behavior but insists she isn’t an addict. She realizes she has a shopping “compulsion” though. KabbagePatch is all “that’s all we were trying to say.You need to save for a rainy day blah blah blither blah.” Kim says she is going to recover from her horrifying disease. She promises herself. And she swears on her Visa.

I love you! No I love YOU!

Off to the Peta shoot. Khloe brings her friend Malika with her. Khloe tells us she is supposed to have a cave woman look and she wishes her body looked a little better. Don’t we all?

As Khloe is getting spray tanned, Kim walks up. Kim tells her she looks skinny and comments on her little booty. Khloe is understandably nervous and assumes Kim is being a smart ass.

Seriously, compared to mine it’s tiny!

Kim says she is serious and thinks Khloe looks great. Then she starts posing for camera’s that aren’t even pointed at her.

The camera loves me so.

The photographer walks Khloe over to her spot, and she freezes. She says she doesn’t want to do this any more. He thinks she’s kidding but she says “I am like a fat fuck and I don’t want to be nude on camera.” She walks off.

The voices are telling me not to do it!

Kim and Malika chase her down and ask what’s wrong. Then Kim finds a perfect excuse to once again take us back to Kimville. She tells her she was just as nervous when she did Playboy but she dug deep and found the courage and that Khloe is representing the animals so man up already!

I did it for all humanity.

In what may be the worst pep talk I’ve ever heard, Kim tells Khloe to just imagine that her clothes are her skin and she has just been skinned because that’s what happens to the animals. Apparently it works because Khloe is back on set!

Kim gives her tips from time to time and Kim tells us that Khloe looks amazing.

Hey Meltyface, suck it!

Khloe tells us that she’s glad she went through with it and even though her body is not like Eve Mendes or these other beautiful people, she knows she has to be comfortable in her own skin and she needs to stop wanting to be something she will never be. And she realizes that she is beautiful anyway.

But I’ll eat the hell out of a cheese burger!

The episode ends with the launching of Peta’s newest campaign starring Khloe. She tells us she is so happy she did it and feels beautiful and she’ll have these shots forever. Khloe tells the press she’s not the typical skinny girl and still she’d rather go naked as is than wear fur.

Hopefully she went home and pushed Meltyface down a flight of stairs. I used to feel sorry for his ass but now I know why his face looks like that. It’s from being slapped by women he calls fat. Asshole.

So is anyone else as pissed at old Meltyface as I am. Or is it maybe just me?

Til next week,
Smooches!
Cherie