Keeping Up With The Kardashians: Why Me God?

Yay. Another episode of the Krapdasians. I cannot express to you how thrilled I am right now. But more about my traumas later, let’s start Keeping Up With The Kardashians!

This weeks train wreck starts off innocently enough. For skanks anyway. Kourt, Kim and Khloe are leaving snail trails on their couch and whining about global warming or cookies or what the hell ever. Kim gets a phone call.

See I told you it’s all about me!

It’s some person from the Pussycat Dolls. She asks what the girls are doing and Kim, splendid comedienne that she is says “We may not be the pussycat dolls but we are the Dash Dolls.” It’s official God hates me.

OMG they want Kim to be a part of the Pussycat Dolls! Awesome! Khloe the ever so supportive one tells us she hopes she does well to make up for that huge ass suckfest she performed on Dancing With The Stars.

Off to the studio so Kim can practice balancing that ass. Aww she’s nervous. They tell her she is going to be practicing in the bathtub. Its a technique.

When I was poor, before my big ass sex tape, I had a tiny tub just like this.

So they practice away and Kim seems to have trouble seeing herself in the mirror. Ironic no? Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor? Well, probably Carrot Top. Anyhoodle, as they are practicing Kim tells us it’s very hard for her to visualize what she’s supposed to do since the mirror is more than 6 inches from her face. Oh and her eyesight sux.

Oh dear Lord heal me! How can I live without constantly staring at my own face?

Instructor Oblivious finally notices that Kim needs a seeing eye dog and Kim denies it and says that it’s just that the mirror is sooo far away. Kim tells us she knows her eyesight has been getting worse but she has just been “dealing with it” instead of seeking help. After all you never saw Mother Teresa complaining about her eyesight did ya?

What do you mean they don’t have seeing eye chihuahuas?

Kim decides she should just go home because she’s not feeling herself (literally). Instructor Oblivious tells her to go home and practice in her bath tub because she doesn’t want her to come back not knowing what she’s doing. WTF is this womans obsession with dancing in a bathtub? I bet there’s a creepy Uncle Cletus story there somewhere.

Time to play “Find the deflated flaccid rubbery dicky, I mean ducky!

Back at Meltyface Manor, poor Kim is telling her even creepier than my relatives about how awful, horrifyingly soul killing spirit crushingly hideous the whole thing was. Much like this show. And she wants KabbagePatch to cancel the whole thing! KabbagePatch is all, hey drama queen shut it and stop digging in your ass and get in the tub cause I’m getting my 10%.

Do what I say or I’ll release that sex tape of you with the midget, donkey and the Green Bay Packers

Kim keeps whining about how she can’t see at clubs and she can’t see to drive. I’m guessing she can’t see to drive after leaving a club because she is snockerd out of her gourd!

OMG it’s happening again! I can’t see a thing!

So KabbagePatch tells Kim maybe it’s time for lasik surgery. After all she had it done 12 years ago and Bruce has never looked better. Kim is all wah wah I don’t want my eyeballs cut open. And then Khloe who is quickly becoming my favorite demonstrates for Kim what the doc will do to her.

Oh wait, never mind, that’s not lasik, that’s how they removed MeltyFace’s genital warts.

As Kim keeps begging her mommy to get her out of this, KabbagePatch is snatching the knives from Kloe telling her it’s dangerous to play with them. Probably a lesson she should have taught her oh, maybe 20 years ago! Hey, maybe next week she’ll sit Kim down for the Birds and Bees talk. Twit. Kim keeps begging KabbagePatch to get her out of the contract and is told to put her big girl panties on and suck it up. Oh and to film that shit for later sale. Kim stomps out of the room.

How on earth did she get so spoiled?

Elsewhere in Krapland, MeltyFace has a doctors appointment. And since KabbagePatch was too busy “working” he had to bring Kenmore and Kleenex with him. Sorry I meant Kendall and Kylie. So he warns them to shut it and be still and he’ll be right back.

Gee Daddy, after we watch you get your colonoscopy can we go change old people diapers at the nursing home?

MeltyFace and the doc exchange pleasantries and the doc tries to assure Meltyface that even though he had seen worse facial damage on road kill, he would certainly do his best to make him look less melty.

I’ll have you looking normal in no time.

Dr.WTF notices that MeltyFace has been neglecting his check ups. And even though MeltyFace assures Dr. WTF that he is strong like bull, he still wants to shove a hose up his ass and see if maybe he can find O.J.’s knife.

I have the sphincter muscles of a 7 year old boy . Ask OJ.

So they set up an ass probe appointment for the following Friday and the girls look like this is just another thing in a long list of things a therapist will have to help them work through.

My.Dad.Is.GROSS.

Back at MeltyFace Manor, one of the little K’s comes into KabbagePatch’s spackle room to ask a question. No not “Can we have a new Mommy please?” They want to know if Daddy has ” colonoscopy.” KabbagePatch obviously graduated from the school of “DER!” because she actually says “He doesn’t have colonoscopy, he’s just really conservative.”

Uhh excuse me, but I think I would know if my husband was dying from the dreaded colonoscopy disease.

Little K asks if Dad is sick and KabbagePatch says” No he is not sick like that.” And she stomps off to have a discussion with Mr. ColonoscopyFace. When she walks in he is playing a computer game and since he didn’t ask her permission first she drop kicks him in the nuts. She tells him that the 2 little K’s think he has “colonoscopy, this new fangled disease.” And she uses air quotes. He doesn’t want to talk to the girls about it because it’s embarrassing and gross. Uhh you LOOK at them with that melted ass burn victim face so I wouldn’t think gross embarrassment would be a big deal for him.

I love Pac-Man.

After some yammering back and forth MeltyFace decides that he will indeed tell the Tale of The Anal Probe. Cut to KabbagePatch showing Kim her glasses which Kim finds disgusting. Mommy Dearest tells Kim if she doesn’t do something about those eyes she will soon need glasses forever. Kim whines some more and then decides that she will make the ultimate sacrifice and it’ll be a one time thing and then it will be done with. Ha! That’s what my first boyfriend told me too. LIAR!

I’d fire that make up artist.

Off to Dr.Eyeball’s office. Kim tells us that she brought Kourt and Khloe for support. Hahahaha isn’t that kinda like bringing Hilary Clinton to a taping of Rush Limbaugh’s show? As they are prepping Kim’s eyes, Rush and Hillary are cracking up and making noises. And taking pictures.

Hey Kim, could ya move a little to the right, your giant nose holes are messing up the shot.

Kim is getting pissed and then Dr. Eyeball comes to take her away. She says she’s relaxed and he says it’s because he he gave her some drawer droppers valium. Khloe tells us that Kim is a nutjob for getting this surgery the day before her Pussycat Doll gig. Kim warns the girls to keep their traps shut and they begin this gross ass procedure.

After some more shenanigans and more gross shit I refuse to watch, Kim is all done! Khloe is having some sort of hysterical meltdown.

She gets her big ass back home but she is worried that she won’t be ready for the Pussy girls tomorrow. Kim goes to bed so she can recover. KabbagePatch makes an appearance and then gets the hell out of dodge.

Oh Lord help me please? MeltyColonoscopyFace has decided to tell Kenmore and Kleenex all about what a colonoscopy is. You know what watching this show is like? Having a colonoscopy with a spiked copper tube!

I checked it myself, wanna smell?

So he tells them that he never wanted to talk to them about this because unlike Kim, he finds the colon to be a private matter. He tells them not to worry, he’s perfectly healthy. He then explains what a colon is and demonstrates how it winds and turns and some other gross stuff. Then he gets tecnical and says “Where the poopy comes out.” I swear on Meemaw I did not make that up.

Therapy. Years and years and years of therapy.

He keeps explaining about how it works and he says it like he’s reading Puff the Magic Dragon. I swear if he starts singing I’m gonna grab my Mom’s purse and liberate some happy pills. (Did I mention my Mommy has come to live with me? In lieu of flowers please send booze) Wait. is it legal to sell old people on ebay?

Oh God he won’t STOP. Now he’s telling them about the atomic laxative he has to take the night before. And he’s grinning about it. Cut to Kim getting ready for her event tonight. She says she see’s clearer than she ever has before and damn, her ass is big!

Hahahha you just wait.

So MeltyColonoscopyFace starts drinking Satan’s liguid revenge. He thinks it tastes ok. Cut to a little while later when he’s running puckered assed to the nearest crapper.

I bet he shit his pants.

Over and over throughout the night MeltyFace has a very close relationship with old Mr. Crapperson. And then he yells for someone to bring him some toilet paper. LOL!

Cut to Kim arriving in Vegas for her Pussy adventure. She’s nervous. Wah wah boo hoo. Oh look. Guess who’s with her. KabbagePatch and Khloe. Khloe I get but why isn’t KabbagePatch with her husband’s colon right now? She tells us she feels bad about but, well, screw it.

I’ve seen his colon. Not impressed.

Off to colonland MeltyFace goes with only Kob there to support him.

Please make sure they don’t mess up my face lift.

He’s out and its over and he’s a little loopy but he lived y’all! Meanwhile Kim puts her worry aside as well as most of her clothes and does her Pussy dance.

Elvira? Is that you?

And she tells us she will be humiliated if anything goes wrong. Damn, you’d think she’d be used to it by now. And so it begins. She tells them she feels really dirty so why don’t they take a bath. All the big K’s are there and they are so proud.

Back at MeltyFace Manor they talk about how amazing Kim did and then they show this.

Please tell me that’s not from Kim’s Big Ass Sex Tape!

Everyone is so grossed out they run from the room leaving MeltyColonoscopyFace to amuse himself with his own colon. I’m sure it’s not the first time.

So my sweetie pies, I apologize for the lateness of this reCrap. No that was not a typo. As you may have heard on the news, my Mom has moved in with me. She’s a 120 pound,75 year old terror. But she’s smart. I took her about 50 miles down the road and pushed her out of the car but less than 30 minutes later she was back. I do not want to know what she did to that trucker for the ride home.

Love and smooches!
Cherie