Hello there my sweeties. Here I am again to torture you with another episode of the Krappers. I swear this hurts me more than it does you so let’s get right to Keeping Up With The Kardashians!
We start off with pandemonium. (by the way I asked my Mom how the hell you spell that shit and she said pandeRmonium!) LOLOL. Sorry just thought I’d share. Anyway seriously, it’s crazy at the Kraphouse! People may die. The two little K’s Kenmore and Kleenex are screaming bloody murder because the oven fries are Burnt! BURNT I SAY! Meltyface immediately blames this on KabbagePatch.
I’d eat em’.
Suddenly Khloe tells her mom that her boobs look squished and then actually snatches them up from the beyond. That’s just wrong. And gross. And typical of the Krappers.
A little too old for breastfeeding I do believe.
Suddenly Meltyface notices KabbagePatch is dressed up and asks whats she’s doing. Why she’s slaving over a tortuously hot oven making a second batch of fries for her babies! My God man, those snots don’t just feed themselves. He means why is she all slutted up. Because they are going out to dinner. She needs a break from all the horrors of pretending to work and he’s taking her out or else.
But I just took my happy pills.
He wants to stay and watch the game. She doesn’t give a shit. He says going out to eat is drama. She says it’s fun. I say drive into a tree already. Even the poor dog looks suicidal.
My name is Kibbles, help me.
Next we see the Krappers all getting ready again. It seems 944 magazine is throwing Kourt a party to celebrate her first (and only) cover. She is over the freakin moon. I mean seriously, someone calm this girl down.
Captain Happypants doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay home and cry with Kibbles about who has a krappier life. Kob’s girlfriend Adrienne tells Meltyface he will love it when TI hits the stage. He doesn’t know who that is. And he doesn’t care. He says to us that the whole thing is gonna be boring and stupid and a complete waste of his time.
Just like that face lift.
These people even argue over transportation. They have sent a car for KabbagePatch and Meltyface. Meltyface does not like this either. He wants to drive himself. Kris says gas is expensive and he says “So are those earrings you are wearing honey!” Haha good one.
On to the party. Kim tells us that Kourt is hosting this party to celebrate her cover for 944 and that of course when ever one of them is doing something really important, they all come out to support each other. And she says it’s Kourt’s night.
Here I am supporting my sis, what’s her face.
Inside everyone is smiling and having a good time. Drinking. Laughing. Everyone except Meltyface. Perez Hilton is there and KabbagePatch says “I don’t know whether to hug you or kill you.”
Pull your boobs up first.
KabbagePatch tells us that every time they go to one of these events, she knows it’s just a matter of time before Meltyface starts whining about leaving. Then why do you drag him to these things? Dope him up and leave him at home. It worked for the Girls Next Door. For a while…
Take me home before I beat you to death with those hideous earrings.
Meltyface gets in her ear and says lets go. KabbagePatch says no. Yes. No. Yes. No. Kourt tells us that Bruce is a very mellow guy and she thinks” Kris is very selfish as to his needs and wants.”
Cut to Kim and KabbagePatch at New Wave Perfume something or another. Kim is going to have a fragrance. First thought..eeewwwwww. Second thought, gives a whole new meaning to toilet water. Some asswipe with an accent tells Kim that he thinks between her and her name and elegance (hahahaha) they can have an amazing product. Yes because no one has their very own frangrance. What a concept! Whats next a clothing line? Oh wait…
Oh crap, she’s still yapping. She says two years ago she trademarked the name “Dashing” in fragrance. She says she just loves it “Dashing by Kim Kardashian.”
Eau de Krap
Back to Meltyface Manor. Meltyface is at the computer trying to sell himself on ebay and drinking out of a blender. KabbagePatch comes in to belittle and basically kill his spirit.
Hi honey. You’re boring and you suck.
She tells him he’s always slurping. He begs her to not criticize him. She tells him that she feels really bad because whenever they go out he seems bored to tears. He says thats because he’s bored to tears. She only wants to do what she wants and never what he wants. She tells him he has a stick up his ass.
Suck it you pud faced fishwife.
Off to Smooch. Oh look they have customers. Just kidding. KabbagePatch is whining to Kourt about Meltyface always being a sad sack when he goes out with them. The horrors this poor woman faces. How does she get up every day? Kourt actually makes sense and tells her that Meltyface is a 60 year old man who doesn’t have to be glued to her ass 24/7. KabbagePatch says she is married to a 60 year old man who wants to play with his toys. God I hope that’s not a euphemism. Kourt says so he’s married to a 50 something year old woman who wants to go to clubs.
Mention my age again and I’ll snap your tiny little neck.
Bottom line, KabbagePatch needs to do some Meltyface stuff and in turn Meltyface will be more likely to do KabbagePatch stuff. Hey how about tandem parachute less sky diving?
Off to the perfume factory. I have no idea what its called. It sounded like Kim sneezed when she pronounced it. Her friend at the factory has pulled together scents she thinks Kim will love. This was after exhaustive research of course. Kim tells us that Kourt and Khloe are going to be so excited about this. I bet they won’t. After lots of sniffing and mixing they have found the perfect scent for Dashing!
I smell ass. It’s perfect!
Off to Dash, still no customers. KabbagePatch comes running in all “Guess what?” She tells Kourt and Khloe that she just finished a perfume deal for Kim. They seem bored by it until KabbagePatch tells them it’s called “Dashing.” Khloe is all “Excuse me?” Apparently the three girls were supposed to have a fragrance together to be named Dash like the store no one ever goes to but now Kim has ruined it all by having Dashing first and all to herself.
KabbagePatch tries to explain that Kim’s fragrance would be first and then they would come out with a fragrance for all three. Khloe explains that its a stupid idea and will make their perfume seem second rate and she thinks they should get a commission since the original idea was for all three. KabbagePatch says no commission! Khloe says she’ll sue the shit out of her ass and stomps out.
But I’m your mother! Sort of.
Off to eat they go. Kim tells us that when KabbagePatch first told her sisters about the deal they were pissed off. And she looks surprised. KabbagePatch wants to know what the big hairy deal is about using the name dashing. Khloe says because she and Kourt work the two customer-less stores every day while Kim sits on her big ass and takes all the credit. KabbagePatch is in full Momager mode and tells them that anything any single one of them does builds the entire Kardashian brand.
Sex tape=building the Kardashian brand.
Kim then says there’s a long term plan to do her thing first then that will lead to a brand for the store. Khloe doesn’t want charity work. Ok I was with ya sort of til then. If your big ass sister hadn’t boinked on tape no one would know who any of you are. And I’m pretty sure your two customer-less stores weren’t bank rolled by your paper route money.
Kourt keeps stuffing her dead ass face. Kim finally loses it and says “Are the calls coming in for either of you to do a perfume?” Causing Khloe to almost choke on her tater salad.
Oh no she di’ent!
KabbagePatch calls them shortsighted. Kourt says “OMG get over yourselves.” And Kim and KabbagePatch stomp out of the restaurant.
Oh crap, I mean Krap. Meltyface and KabbagePatch are bonding. Thankfully not “that” kind of bonding. No they are taking Meltyface’s beloved helicopter out for a spin, together. A remote controlled helicopter. Hey Meltyface, kiss it goodbye now.
Meltyface explains that its just a starter chopper. Not one for experienced remote control athletes. I bet he bought it at the dollar store that morning. KabbagePatch grabs it like its a $20 bill and starts screaming like it’s actually a $100 and Meltyface is all, “Oh hold on now, ya have to start slow.” Running and up and down and CRASH! Into a dudes car.
KabbagePatch giggles dementedly then says “Aw he lost his little legs.” Meltyface assures us that she will never ever touch one of his expensive toys ever again.
Over at the Town House of Doom, Kourt and Khloe and Asshole are discussing something stupid I am sure until it finally turns to what matters. What are they gonna do about the evil ones. Oh yeah, his name is Scott. I keep forgetting. He looks like a douche.
They tell him like omg I can’t believe what they did. Then Khloe gets up and re-enacts when KabbagePatch came running into the store with her “great news.” They decide something must be done. Khloe admits that she threatened she was going to sue. Asshole says why not just pretend to sue her. He tells them to send a fake email or call. Khloe says “Why don’t you call? You have a guys voice.”
Take that back!
So Kourt tells us that they block Asshole’s phone and call Kim. He then uses some nasally only slightly different voice than his own to make Kim believe he’s representing Kourt and Khloe . He tells her he’s blah blah from blah blah blah. And not only does she seem to believe this shit, but it almost makes me hate him a little less. A little.
She asks him if she can have his number to call him back. Khloe is cracking up and tells us that his voice is stupid and his accent is in and out but Kim believes it so yay! He gets off the phone and says “She’s shook.” They complement him on his skills. And he says fuggedaboudit and I hate him again. The phone rings for Kourt and it’s KabbagePatch and she ain’t even happy.
The girls laugh at how mad KabbagePatch is and then tell her they were joking. Asshole gets back on the phone and does his act again and KabbagePatch is not amused. Neither am I. Khloe grabs the phone and tells her it was a joke “You psychotic bleep. You started this so until you give up your 20% and give us 10, fuck off.”
Oh God more bonding. KabbagePatch and Meltyface are at a park. They are going mountain biking. It’s almost the end of the show so I bet things go well. Maybe a small fall off the bike. Just guessing. Meltyface says he loves being with Mother Nature and the peace and quiet…uh then why did you bring KabbagePatch. She gives Mother Nature a migraine.
On good grief it’s a tandem bike. Meltyface says she got it years ago and has only been on it maybe twice. I don’t think he means the bike. He says he thinks this will be good. That means it won’t.
They try to make it up a hill. Can’t do it. He’s going too fast and scaring her. And her ass hurts. She tells us instead of making her husband’s day more enjoyable she’s making it worse. Here’s a thought. STOP FUCKING WHINING!
Meltyface tells her that once they get to the top the view will be worth it. She tells him the only view she’s had all day is of his ass. He giggles and says “But it’s a cute ass isn’t it honey?” Now I see. He’s enjoying torturing her. LoL Meltyface.
Back at Meltyface Manor KabbagePatch decides she better speak to one of the little ones. Since she calls her Sweetie she obviously can’t remember which one she is and neither can I. Anyhoo, she asks how her day at school was. Little K says “Hectic. What does that mean?” and giggles like a little loon. Mommy explains that hectic is when you’ve had a really crazy day.
KabbagePatch tells us that bonding with Meltyface has been sheer torture so she knows where to go when she needs a little silliness. So she drank a quart of vodka and went and bitched to one of the Lil Kim’s. Turns out the little one who rarely speaks is wise beyond her years. She tells OldDrunkface that “Father likes motorcycles. Motorcycle plus hot mama plus Bruce equals..chemistry.” and she does this weird little movement with her hands.
Wait, aren’t there two of you?
KabbagePatch sobers up enough to remember that when she and Meltyface were first married he bought her a Harley. And they used to have so much fun. Oh and it turns out she’s blithering to Kylie and she kisses her and the poor little thing almost falls off her chair from the fumes.
Over in Kimland, she bounces into one of the customer-less stores. She announces she has posters and testers for her new perfume and she shall display them in the stores. She tells us that if they can prank her, she can prank them right back.
Kourt & Khloe immediately start to lose their shit and a screaming match ensues. Kim tells them they know nothing of business. Khloe says “Then why are you in business with us?” Kim snaps back that she’s right and she’s going to talk to KabbagePatch and get the hell out of this partnership. As she stomps away Khloe says “You’ll miss us later when no one else will do your dirty work.” Poor thing. She can someone else much less to do her dirty work.
Kiss my big ass.
KabbagePatch decides it’s time to gather the girls and settle this perfume nonsense as a family. She tells us that none of them know the others will be there. Kourt & Khloe are there first and then Kim stomps in.
KP tells them she is sick of this mess and she’s not going to be a referee. Kourt tells us that her Mom has trapped them in a room where they are forced to talk and she has nothing to say to Kim right now. No one is speaking. After about a year and a half KP notices that they aren’t getting anywhere.
Kourt says she doesn’t give a fuck. That KP came bouncing into the store all happy that Kim has a perfume and she doesn’t get why she should be happy about that. KP decides it’s time for a pity party and announces that sometimes so much happens in a day that she can barely keep up with herself. And she cries.
She says weepily that she just wants them to be proud of her. Kim’s not mad at her. Neither is Khloe. And they are all proud of her. She thinks not. Then they all stop and notice something so totally bizarre it’s freaks them all out.
Kourt is leaking! She’s actually crying. She does have a soul! Aww look now they understand each others views and they realize they have all been wrong and by God this will never happen again. Hugs all around. Everyone loves everyone.
Back at Meltyface Manor the phone rings for Meltyface himself. He answers as he’s doing his daily chores. It’s KP and she wants him to meet her at that place they love on Mulholland Highway. Meltyface is suspicious. But he agrees to meet her. Oh look she’s on a motorcycle. She tells him she’s gonna throw him on the back and he can be the bitch.
Get on the bike bitch.
Meltyface says that all relationships develop throughout the years. He’s got his thing, she’s got hers. And they meet in the middle. Another happy ending. Except that KP can’t seem to get the helmet on her giant head.
And they are off. Meltyface says she’s going too fast. She says she’s not. I say that ain’t her big ass head in that non see through helmet. She freaked out going 2 miles an hour on a bicycle but she flies like a demon around curves on a motorcycle? I call bullshit.
That’s does it for this week. I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!
Love and smooches,