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Howdy peeplets! I’ve had a week off from the Krapdashians and I think I almost missed old Meltyface. Nah, but I did miss making fun of him and the other tards on Keeping Up With The Kardasians. Let’s see what’s up this week.
There’s a crowd at Meltyface Manor tonight. All the gang’s there. KabbagePatch needs help cleaning the kitchen and she asks Khloe to help her. Why didn’t she ask the other girls Khloe wonders? Well they have made actual money lately and you did an ad for charity. Simple math. She tells us she is the red headed step child of the family.
Khloe bitches at the camera about how everyone expects her to do everything. Here’s a thought. SAY NO! Cut to Khloe and Kourt looking at a photo album. Oh look there’s Ole Skunkhead. Khloe continues the theme of the evening with how she doesn’t look like any of the 27 other Kardashians. She says her coloring is different, her nose is too big. I just wonder where she is headed with this?
Oh I see! She thinks she was adopted. I feel ya. I used to pray that I was adopted. I still do. Khloe tells them she needs to see proof that she is who she is and wants to see a birth certificate. Cut away and then cut back to Khloe and Kim telling KabbagePatch that she needs a DNA test. Khloe says Meltyface is probably her father.
KP says no way cause she didn’t even know him then. Well he was a tri-athlete now wasn’t he? Or something. Anyhoodles, Kim snatches a piece of Khloe’s hair and decides to go on the internetwebbie thing and find out how to do a DNA test.
KabbagePatch announces that this is not an AIDS test and you can’t do DNA at home. Kim says bullshit it cost $89. Khloe says she can’t believe she’s a part of this family and she once heard her God Mother ask KP when she was going to tell Khloe she was adopted. KP says she can’t believe she’s a part of this family either.
The family is off to celebrate Kob’s graduation from college. All except Meltyface. He was bad so he’s at home in the basement. Everyone is all “Oh happy graduation. When are you gonna make the big bucks already?” Kob tells us he’s under a lot of pressure because he was constantly surrounded by rich people growing up. Poor thing. I would feel bad for him, but I can’t. I grew up surrounded by idiots. I win.
More yacking about what Kob’s gonna do next. KP says USC was a great school because of all the camaraderie. Khloe points out that of course KP knows a lot about USC, she boned half the football team and the towel boys.
Khloe continues by saying that’s why she doesn’t look like them. Her dad is Kob’s science teacher. Later back at the house, Khloe and KP are in the garage. There’s a mattress out there that someone sent to KP and she wants Khloe to drag it to her bedroom. I’m starting to see Khloe’s point.
Khloe bitches and moans about it but she does it. She tells us her Mom relies on her more than Kourt or Kim. KP says “Thank God for you.” And Khloe says “No wonder you adopted me.” She again threatens to “DNA your ass.”
Cut to Kourt, Kim and Khloe in the kitchen. Kim exclaims that she’s found her engagement ring. Ok. Did I miss an episode? Did Reggie ask for her dirty little hand in marriage? Why no he hasn’t but a girl needs to be prepared. She says it costs $300,000. Good for her.
Kourt meanwhile is trying to call a guy for Kob. Kourt says she’s setting up an interview so that Kob can get a job and find out what it’s like to work in the real world. You know, like she does. At stores with no customers.
Over at Meltyface Manor, Khloe is back on the computer looking for DNA tests. KP walks in. KP is not amused anymore. She tells Khloe everyone thought she was going to be a boy and were surprised when she was a girl. Khloe hears that as “You guys were disappointed.” KP denies this but Khloe says it explains why they treat her the way they do. KP wants to know how they treat her.
Khloe tells us she’s been slaving since she was ten years old. KP tells her to take the damn test and all she’ll find out is that she is indeed her mother. Khloe warns that if she’s not its “ta-ta.”
Later the girls are going, coming, leaving, arriving. Who the hell knows? The editors of this show need to put down the pipe. Anyway, they notice that Kim’s beloved Bentley is GONE! OH NO! Who could have taken it? Why God why? Kim completely over reacts and calls the police instead of calling her brother who is the obvious culprit.
Officer Blurryface arrives and asks Kim when she noticed it missing. Uh, right before I called you? She tells him about 20 minutes ago. And she’s upset. Just then the car comes driving up driven by none other than Kob. Kim loses her shit and begins ranting at him and his friend.
She wants to know how he got her key. He rev’s the engine at her. LOL. I’d kick his ass. Well I would wait until the cop left and then I’d kick his ass. Kim stomps into the house/condo and announces to Kourt and Khloe that Kob is out of control. She sits his ass down and asks him why he did it.
Kim asks him what’s wrong with him and he says nothing. He just took it for a joy ride is all. He’s taken everyone’s car at some point so whats the biggie? He whines about Kim having “all these things.” Kourt tells us Kob is going through a faze and it’s just a weird time for him. In the end Kim tells us even though she is mad she just can’t stay mad at him. Aww.
Over at Kob’s apartment, Khloe brings Kob his suit for his meeting with her friend which she set up for him.
Kourt tells us it’s Kob’s big day and she hopes he gets the internship. It’s a paid internship. Kob wants to know how much money he will be making. She tells him a little above minimum wage. He doesn’t like that since he used to make that in high school. He tells us that his Dad always told him “Time is money.” He is 21 years old and says he’d love to have a couple million by the time he’s 25. Sure! Why not. Your sisters work in imaginary stores, why shouldn’t you have a pretend job too? He says he’s not going to waste his time on some minimum wage job. That’s the sprit. You little turd.
Over at Dash, Khloe gets her DNA test in the mail. She explains to the sales girl (Why do they need one?) that she wants to test her Mom to make sure she’s her Mom. She claims she cannot have come from someone that psychotic. Speaking of my Mom, does anyone need one? I’m thinking of renting her out on the weekends. Anyway, Khloe wonders how on earth she is going to get that swab of her Mom’s cheek without her getting suspicious. Hello? You’ve been screaming DNA test the whole episode, I’m pretty sure she’s on to ya!
Over to the other fake store Smooch, Khloe is sneaking around ready to pounce. KP has her mouth full of some shit she saw Nicollette Sheridan eating. She announces that it’s horrible. Khloe rags on her for trying just because a celebrity did and then she convinces KP to open her mouth so she can see her caps. And she swabs her ass. Well not her ass. Her cheek. KP says “Khloe what are you doing?”
Khloe runs over to the other store and KP follows her. She announces to Khloe that this is her mouth and she has boundries. So warn her before sticking things in her mouth. Khloe pretends she is drug testing KP but KP is no fool and knows it’s a DNA test. Khloe wants to know who told her? The writer’s now shut it. KP is now getting her ass on her shoulders and says that there is something wrong with Khloe if she really believes she is not her Mom. Khloe says that’s already been established. OY.
Uh oh! Kob’s at a tattoo shop. I bet kabbagePatch ain’t gonna like that one bit. He tells us he’s no stranger to tatts. And he’s always wanted another one. And then I see this.
Silly me. He’s only getting Ole Skunkheads face on his forearm. Kob’s friend JJ sees that Kob’s phone is ringing and he tells Kob it’s Kourt. He tells him to ignore it. Yeah I am sure she’s just calling to bug you with that silly job stuff. Loser.
Cut back to Meltyface Manor and an actual Meltyface sighting!
KabbagePatch tells him that Khloe shoved a swab in her mouth. He’s all “What on earth for?” She tells him that Khloe doesn’t believe she is her mother. Meltyface in all his wisdom says “Khloe has a tendency to be dramatic.” Ha! Yeah and fire has a tendency to be warm. That girl’s a raving loon. It’s what I like most about her.
Meltyface decides that he thinks it’s funny. KP is not amused. She starts whining about Khloe saying she treats her differently than the other two and in walks Kloe. Like magic! Oh good Lord, Meltyface gets all bent out of shape because Kloe said ‘hell’ in his house. He then starts asking her why she is having her DNA tested in a very stuttery sort of way. Is stuttery a word? Bottom line is Meltyface needs to study the script dammit!
Khloe starts to explain herself. And it turns into something so disgusting Meltyface tries to slam his own head down his neck to suffocate himself. She says KP always makes her do dishes and take care of Kenmore and Kleenex and she gets all the shit work and….AND she comes to Khloe to talk about how she loves Meltyface but HE WON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER!
Meltyface is not amused and Khloe continues by saying yet again that she gets treated like a red headed step child. Meltyface asks, “So you say you like me better?” Khloe finally gets a clue and says “That’s probably not a fair question to ask since Mom’s about to cry.”
Cut to Khloe’s townhouse and Kourt comes running in pissed because Kob flaked on the internship she set up for him. Khloe tells her he also got a big tattoo of their Dad. Kourt is about to convulse she is so mad. She tells us that Kob is usually a good boy so she is just shocked that he’s done this horrible deed.
Back over at Meltyface Manor, Kim innocently asks KP if she’s seen all of Kobs tatts. She’s all “WHAT?” Yes, it seems Kob has them all over. Huge ones and he just got a new one. KP blows a vein and snatches the phone out of Kim’s hand to look at the photos. Khloe tells her to chill and stop being dramatic. KabbagePatch says, and I quote, “Shut up Khloe! When you have a son with a fucking tattoo the size of Alabama on his fucking chest and then you tell me to calm down. It’s NOT ok!” and she stomps away.
Kob has a nasty surprise waiting for him in the form of a coven. Khloe, Kourt, Kim, KabbagePatch and Adrienne are chatting about his tatts. Khloe suggests they hold him down and lazer them off. Adrienne tells them that he really likes his portrait of his Dad. Kourt wants to know why he got City of Angels tattooed on him? No one seems to know.
In he comes smiling. He wants to know what’s going on. Khloe tells him she is annoyed with him. Because he has ruined his body. Seriously people? For the love of squid ink this 21 year old getting tatts has the entire Krapdasian klan in an uproar? Uh haven’t they had worse scandals to deal with? Like Kim’s BIG ASS SEX TAPE? Ok I’ll play.
Kob shows them the tatt of his Dad and everyone is all “Oh it looks just like him.” But Khloe just wants to yell at him and tell him how stupid he is. He reminds Khloe that she has a tramp stamp. She says it’s not the same. Her tramp stamp is classy. It’s a cross with angel wings. Right above her ass. Yeah, that’s classy. Kim has an epiphany in the form of “Rob has a yearning for his Dad. He’s graduating from the same school Dad went to.”
Kourt snaps at him that he can just find a job all on his own now. Khloe calls him a dumb fuck and tells him he’s a screw up and now he’s got to live with this. Ahem! People who live in glass booze bottles should not throw straws. Or something like that.Kourt decides to pull him into the other room because Khloe won’t shut the hell up. Kourt gives Kob the big “You don’t earn respect by having money” speech. He replies that they all have money and get to travel and wahwahwah. Remember when they were fighting about tatts?
Kourt continues this
scripted lecture by saying he needs to start at the bottom like they did and he just needs to remember the values he was taught. Ok insert your own joke here. That’s just too easy. In the end Kob is sorry that he blew off the internship and he will take it if she sets it up again.
And just two weeks later Kob has that job. And he says he’s starting at the bottom, just like Kim did. Hahaha! That means he’ll be faxing a copy of his ass print to all his friends before the end of the day. Back to Meltyface Manor. The DNA test is back. Oh my I am on pins and needles to find out if KabbagePatch is indeed the real Mommy!
Instead of this being a joyous moment, when KP tells Khloe she loves her very much, Khloe launches into how she has got to stop making her do all the crap work. KP tells us that she loves and respects Khloe and she’s gonna stop making her work like a dog, unless she needs something. Khloe is all a giggle and KP notices it. Khloe claims she never doubted she was her Mom. KP hugs her and Khloe tells her she hates when she gets all fake but she hugs her too. KP asks her what she wants for dinner and she says “A jack & coke.”
That’s it for this week. I need a tissue. Not because I am actually touched by this crap but because my cat was watching and she just harfed up a hairball.
Till next week,
Love & Smooches,