Guess what folks? This show is still on the air. My deepest sympathies. On the other hand, what the hell else have I got to do? Let’s see what this fun filled family is up to this week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians!
This week we start out with the spawn of Kardasians playing a little trick on mommy. Mommy is obviously snockered out of her gourd because she sleeps through most of it. When she finally awakens to the mess on her head, instead of having an Emma Jeanne fit like my Mom would have, she giggles.
Bruce, what the hell have I told you about spooging on my head in front of the kids?
Off to the dermatologist for Khloe to get her moles checked. She has a history with skin cancer and so she makes sure to check them regularly. Kim is with her for support
because that’s where the cameras are. Dr. Mole Hunter starts with her toes. Aha! He has found something suspiciously suspicious! Oh never mind, it’s just dirt. Or a chocolate chip. Hey with that many kids running around you have to hide snacks where ever you can.
That’s how peanut butter cups were invented. True story.
Dr. Mole Hunter does indeed find a mole he wants to biopsy. Kim looks like she’s going to faint and Khloe tells her not to tell KabbagePatch because she will just freak out
and make it all about her. So he numbs up the toe area and Khloe is giggling and crying at the same time. Dr. Genius says “Tell me if you feel anything. Oh I won’t have to tell you. My foot four feet up your nose should give you a clue. Finally it’s over.
The Doc tells her they will send it off for test to see if it’s melanoma and Khloe wants to know what they will have to cut off if it is. Kim looks like this.
Can you get melanoma of the ass?
Over at some eatery, Asshole and Kourt are eating and discussing their upcoming milestone anniversary of 2 entire years. Kourt wonders if maybe at 2 years they should “re-evaluate” their relationship. Ok, here’s a tip. Guys will hear that as either, “You have permission to get some strange.” or “I myself am getting a little strange on the side.” What she actually means is “Where the hell is my engagement ring already?”
I’m almost out of hair gel. Oh look at the time, I gotta go.
Kourt tells us that her relationship with Asshole is perfect. Great. Wonderful. Except for the small problem that she can’t trust him worth a shit. In the past he has sort of cheated kinda maybe a little. Oh yeah, he’s a keeper.
At yet another eatery, Kim, Kourt and KabbagePatch are having a business meeting. No, seriously. Except Khloe is a no show. Kim wants to discuss the futures of their fake ass stores. Everyone wonders where Khloe is and Kourt rats her out and tells them that she never came home last night. Before everyone freaks out Kim decides to spill the beans and tell Khloe’s big chocolate chip toe mole story.
But you didn’t hear that from
Over at the happy couple’s townhouse, Asshole receives a phone call. And quickly disappears into the next room. Kourt is suspicious. She asks him who it was . He says Tom. She says that didn’t sound like the way he talks to Tom. He shows her his phone. It says TM. She half ass buys it.
Does TM have a bunny by chance?
Over at Meltyface Manor the Khloe drama continues. Where could she be? What’s going on? KabbagePatch tells us that she knows the results are in and yet Khloe has told no one and seems to be avoiding everyone. And there it is. Khloe’s toe jam becomes KabbagePatch’s very own horrendous nightmare of drama.
I went thru this nightmare before! What if she dies? What on earth will I wear?
Back at the train wreck of love house, Asshole tells Kourt he’s gotta go somewhere. He’ll be back sometime. Maybe. She asks what he’s going to do and he says “Oh just stupid stuff, not a big deal.” Really, well can’t you do that at home dipshit? He leaves and Kourt gets a clue and decides to follow his ass. Uh oh. What does she spy with her beady dead eyes?
As she starts to drive off she sees them hugging and she tells us she is in shock and doesn’t know what to do. Uh, you floor the bitch and run over them? At least clip them them a little. Jump out of the car and scream like a banshee? Nope, she drives home. And immediately tells us she can’t believe she caught his ass and she begins throwing all his shit downstairs. Of course he comes home in the middle of it all.
He wants to know whats wrong. She tells him to go back to his girlfriends house. He’s all confused. He says she accuses him all the time and she says because he made her that way. She wants him gone and he says “Fine, I try to do things for you and this is how you repay me!”
On to Khloe and KabbagePatch. KP has a doc appointment and thinks this will be the perfect time to get Khloe to fess up about her chocolate chip toe. She starts off with small talk like she’s never been to a doctor’s office before. Then she basically blows it by telling Khloe if she ever needed her to come to an appointment with her she would gladly go. Khloe knows Kim blabbed and is none too pleased. This turns into a fight about business meetings and being shady and Khloe leaves.
I hope the duck gets stuck.
Kim shows up at Kourts and wants to know why Asshole’s clothes are all over the floor. Kourt says because he’s cheating with a nasty whore. Well blow me down. Turns out Asshole isn’t cheating at all. He got Kim to help him pick out a special gift for Kourt for their anniversary and she was supposed to keep it a secret. It’s a watch. After 2 years? A watch? What.Ever.
You can’t keep a secret to save your giant ass but you kept this one? Gee, thanks.
Kourt feels like an asshole for doubting him and asks Kim what she should do. She decides to go to Sean Stewart’s house where he is staying and talk it over. Kim says she will go call him and give him the heads up. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Not like you haven’t done enough already.
Oh good grief. KabbagePatch is having yet another intervention, this time for Khloe so she will open up. All her friends will be there so she can unburden herself of the horror of having chocolate chip toe. KP tells whoever is on the phone that she wants Khloe to feel safe and loved so she can unburden herself. I have a feeling she’s going to feel ambushed and pissed.
Maybe with God’s grace we can unburden this poor child.
Back to Asshole and Kourt. Kourt shows up at Scott’s house. He tells her to hang on a sec and let him go see if Drama Queen Asshole is “ready” to talk to her yet.
Damn, I can’t believe he’s still alive.
Kourt greets Asshole with “Hey Doll.” He asks “What’s up?” She apologizes for thinking he was cheating. She tells him Kim told her he was tring to get her something for their anniversary. He pretends that he tried to explain that to her at the time but he’s a big ass liar. She tells him he was being shady and with their past what was she supposed to think? Ok using that logic, I’d run down to the street and find the nearest hot dude, bang him and then tell Asshole to get over it, it’s in the past. Bottom line, all is forgiven and they love each other. Yay.
Back at Intervention Central, there are a ton of folks there. Meltyface makes an appearance and his face looks a little tighter than usual.
Someone’s had more work done or left the Prep H mask on to long.
KP tells us that she has brought friends, family and loved ones there all to support Khloe. Then she tells them all her business. She’s had pre cancerous cells removed from her breast and her back. And she just knows that something is wrong. Kim tells us its probably nothing and that her Mom is nuts. I agree.
In walks Khloe and everyone looks scared shitless. She wants to know whats up and in usual KP fashion she half cries that they are all really worried about her and want her to tell them if she’s dying or has leprosy or measles or herpes or the plague for Christsakes! As Khloe continues to crack up, Kp tells her that she wants her to know that it’s ok to tell her if she is sick. Khloe says “Mentally sick?” Ha I love her.
The cheese has done slid right off your cracker.
KP keeps ragging her about how she knows she went to the doc and she also blew off a business meeting and she was told by Kourt that she did not come home last night. Khloe yells at her that she was getting laid at a boys house. This turns into an argument about when they are going to meet the lucky fellow. Oh and Khloe’s fine by the way. Her chocolate chip was non cancerous.
Asshole and Kourt, and basically the whole klan have decided to meet at a restaurant to meet Khloe’s guy. They are all excited and Khloe is nervous.
Run Rashad! RUUUN!
Everything seems to be going well. They look like they are having a great time. Then Kim shows up. She tells us she is going to tell this dude that he better treat her sister right or she will smother him with her giant ass checks.
Hey, can I get an autographed copy of your tape?
Kim keeps giving Rashad a back rub all the while threatening to kill him if he hurts Khloe. Khloe tells us dating freaks her out and this is driving her nuts. But the night ends well and no one died or got a DUI.
Until next week lovies, if anyone is actually reading this lol,
Love and Smooches,