Hello! Nope this show hasn’t ended yet. Just a few more eps and maybe then I’ll feel clean again. I doubt it, but who cares anyway because we are all going to die. Sorry, that’s just my cute little way of getting myself amped up to recap Keeping Up With The Kardashians!
Why does every shot of this girl have to look like porn?
This week starts off with Kim at Reggie’s house pretend arguing about his wardrobe. Kim tells us that she and Reggie have been in a strong committed relationship for over a year and a half. There are scenes of kissing and hugging and laughing and I find it quite cute. Which means either I’m growing a heart or my Mom’s happy pills are finally kicking in.
Cut to Meltyface Manor where there is some sort of hair mutilating ritual going on. The girls are telling Meltyface that they are going to cheer Reggie on in New Orleans at his first game. This gives Meltyface the perfect opportunity to be old, gross, creepy and icky all at the same time.
Ya know back when my pecker worked…….
And he tells this ridiculous lie about how people ask him all the time if its bad to have sex before a game. Maybe they asked him that 35 years ago. Maybe. He says he thinks its fine the night before but you should never have sex during a game. The mascot doesn’t like it. Khloe expresses how I think we all feel right now.
Seriously, why is he here?
Meltyface wanders off and Khloe starts screaming Bush in the tush and playing with Kim’s ass. She thinks Kim may be anorexic because her ass isn’t as jiggly as it used to be. Hello? She’s wearing jeans. If your ass jiggles in jeans, you need to skip the call to Jenny and just stop eating. Now.
Remember when we used to could slap it and like surf the waves?
Aww, Kim and Reggie are i-chatting. They miss each other. They love each other. Kim says they need to i-bone. I need to i-puke. Kim breaks the news that she can’t come to Reggie’s brothers birthday party because she has a shoot. He says it’s ok. He understands. Then she tells us that her career is on this upswing and she has a line of shoes with Robert Shapiro (I will NOT make an OJ joke) she has photo shoots out the gazoo and her friends and Reggie are just going to have to understand. She comes first. Ha! Then she tells Reggie she loves him.
I love you hon, more than my perfume line yet not as much as my shoe line.
Over at Kourt and Khloe’s the phone rings. It’s Khloe’s publicist. And she needs one why? Anyhoodles, it seems Beth the publicist has an amazing offer for Khloe. She wants her to come to New York and host a fashion show that would promote Dash and Smooch and a few hundred other things. During Fashion Week. Yeah, when I think of fashion, Khloe is the first thing to pop into my mind.
My Meemaw wears the same thing for water aerobics.
Off to another restaurant where Kim is telling Adrienne, Khloe and Kourt how much she misses Reggie. She hasn’t seen him in a week. She says they will be apart for a lot of time but they will be able to i-chat. Someone suggests they i-bone. She denies this but Khloe rats her out and says that she told her she takes a vibrator to herself while they are i-chatting.
I would NEVER perform sex acts that may or may not be recorded!
Off to one of Kim’s bazillion shoots. Her Co-Manager, wait, let me giggle, uh, why does she need 2 managers? Isn’t KabbagePatch just killing herself daily for Kim? Whatever. Co-Manager face informs Kim that Blah Blah wants to book her for a shoot the very same weekend of Reggie’s first game. The one she has promised she would be at.
I bet she has co-pimple poppers for her ass too.
Kim thinks for about 2 seconds and says “Work comes first, book it. I’ll talk to Reggie.” Kim tells us she feels really bad but there’s no way she can go and she just hopes he understands. Cut to her phone ringing from Reggie only she’s too busy to pick it up.
Over at Smooch, Khloe is telling KabbagePatch about her fashion Week gig in New York. KP immediately wants to help but Khloe sees it as being controlling and tells her to go play with her other kids. By the way, I just noticed that the Smooch sign, a childrens boutique, seems to have an homage to Kim’s fat ass in it. Just look, you’ll see it.
Don’t act like it’s just me.
Back over at Kim’s, she’s i-chatting with Reggie again. She tells him he’s cute and she misses him. That’s called softening the blow. Then she makes small talk about his training and giggles and tells him she can’t wait to see his first game. On tv. Reggie looks hurt. Kim makes excuses about her hectic schedule and he explains to her that this is a big deal and it’s not cool.
Get your big ass to the game bitch.
Over at Khloe’s she is packing for New York. KabbagePatch comes in to annoy the hell out of her. Khloe says all she can feel is her hot breath on the back of her neck. All I can focus on is Khloe’s big ass head. It looks like she’s wearing a really tight rubber band and her head is swelling.
Oh nevermind, my head does that when my Mom is bugging me too.
Back at Meltyface Manor, KabbagePatch has taken a dip in the wine pool and is bitching about wanting someone to get her mediums. I thought she meant like Sylvia Brown but then Kim offered her a pair of Spanx. The subject quickly changes to Reggie’s first game. KP wants to know if Kim is going. Kim blah blah’s about wah wah contract, apperance, can’t break the contract. Wasn’t she begging her Mom to break her contract with the Pussy Cat Dolls 2 weeks ago? Bottom line Mom says she needs to support Reggie. Kim says she will try but its killing her to have to break her contract.
Wait, people will have cameras at the game right? Ok I’ll go.
On to New York. Khloe meets up with her friend Jonathan Cheban. He has a clothing line and he’s a publicist and knows everyone in New York. First of all he looks like he got dressed in a dumpster. And for reasons I can’t figure out, he bugs me. They go out to eat and Khloe wants to know why the table is vibrating. He tells her it’s the subway. She doesn’t like the subway. Jonathan announces that no one does. He says there are blackouts and no a/c. And the rats have huge tails that look like pasta.
Fashion? They both look like they should be doing commercials for Zoloft.
Oh looky, Jonathan is teaching Khloe how to hail a cab. When the get a cab Plateface (Jonathan) immediately starts bitching about the heat. Then they starts making fun of random fat people. I might have laughed. A little. Plateface points out one girl and says she makes Kim look like Tiny Tim.
My ass is bigger.
Now we are off to New Orleans to support Reggie. Kim tells us the players have to stay in a hotel the night before the game so she and Kourt and Asshole and some other people are all at Reggie’s house making signs. Kourt makes some tard comment about the Bush is gonna whoop your tush and then asshole actually does something even more assholish.
I really do have a big one. Seriously. It’s twice the size as this.
As they are all cutting up, laughing and having a good time, Kim tells us that she has in the back of her mind that she just hopes she didn’t burn any bridges by coming there. For the love of drama, you flaked out on a photo shoot! You didn’t donate a kidney and then take it back. Get over yourself!
The things we do for love. (sniffle)
Back to New York. Khloe is being told what she’s supposed to do. The whole thing has inspired her. She is thinking of moving there she loves it so much. The show starts and we see the usual scrawny bitches clomping down the runway. Then I see this one.
She’s gonna need a bigger brush.
Then it’s Khloe’s turn to walk out. She doesn’t fall down so that’s a good sign. Then I notice the background and the names.
What? There was no room for Midol?
Khloe tells us she is very excited and wants to learn more about this business. Cut to New Orleans and everyone getting ready for the game to start. Kim is thrilled because she realizes that that is her boyfriend everyone is cheering for. Ha! Bet she won’t be so thrilled when she finds him being cheered by a couple of fans in the locker room.
Yay Reggie scores the winning touch down! Kim tells us she can’t wait to see him after the game.
Bet she wouldn’t be smooching him if the Saints had lost.
The go out to eat and celebrate and Kim tells us that Reggie should be her number 1 priority and she needs to balance her life out. They make a toast to good health, winning games and cellulite cream that actually works.
In New York, Khloe and Plateface are eating out too. Is this what happens when you are rich? Why do rich people even have kitchens? Plateface asks Khloe if she’s allowed to drink yet. Sure is. And they down a bunch of sake. And they make toasts about New York. Khloe tells Plateface that she really wants to start her own line. Of clothing, not sake. Although that could work. Sake by Khloe. If this doesn’t get ya laid you are too fugly to live. Or something like that. Plateface continues yapping about dreams and crap and Khloe is all excited.
In New Orleans, Reggie and BubbleButt are on the couch smooching. Kim tells us that when she is with Reggie she just gets this feeling all over of just calmness and nothing else in the world matters but the two of them. They discuss their schedules. She promises in 2 months she’ll come to every single game. And the wander off to bed. And they are being watched as they go.
Meltyface, that is just wrong!
Back home at Kim’s apartment, Khloe is trying to make an announcement. No one is paying attention. Finally she announces she’s moving to New York! Yay! Kim is happy. Kourt says “The four B’s. Barney’s, Bergdorf’s, Bendel’s and Bloomy’s.” Shut up Kourt.
Then the obvious question. Has she told Drama Queen KabbagePatch yet? Nope. And just then, you’ll never guess who comes walking in. Give up? It’s none other than KP herself! No one says a word. Khloe tells us she’s terrified of telling her Mom. Finally she tells KP she has something really important to tell her. KP’s first thought? “You’re pregnant?” Khloe says “No, I’m just fat, I am not pregnant.”
Who’s the Daddy? Does he need a manager?
Finally Khloe says that she’s moving to New York. Khloe starts trying to convince KP what a great idea this is. Kourt and Kim chime in with all the great opportunities and blah blah blah. Meanwhile the time bomb is awaiting. And then BOOM! KP tells Khloe she is NOT moving to New York then asks why? Then she says “Are you so unhappy here? Do I make you so miserable that you have to move off to another city?” Khloe tells her to snap the crap out of it. She won’t be gone forever and oh yeah not everything on earth is about KabbagePatch. So basically, blow it out your ass nutjob. Said nutjob hops up and has a rant of her own.
You are so selfish. How dare you have a life without me?
KP proclaims that this is NOT funny and that the girls are just so selfish sometimes and they don’t think about the rest of the family and how it’s going to effect them. Oh shut it already Skarlett O’Drama! KP stomps out with this parting shot.”Think about what you are talking to me about before you start giving me this kind of information.” Uhhh….WHAT? Oh good Lord there will be no happy ending tonight. Looks like we will have to wait until next week to find out what happens!
Til next week sweeties,
Love & Smooches,