Tonight we get to start off with how we left last week. My Mom driving me nuts. Me using every opportunity to go hide and cry…..oh sorry, on Keeping up With The Kardashians, well, it’s basically the same thing. Let’s go see who’s having a meltdown today, besides me.
Evil takes many forms.
Everyone’s at Meltyface Manor eating and yammering on about Khloe’s big move to New York. KabbagePatch says she lived in New York in 1976 and HATED it. She doesn’t understand why her kids would want to be so far away from her. Ha! I do. Just look at the first picture. Oh by the way, that’s Emmazilla, my Mom (who now LIVES with me) in case you were wondering. By the way, before she moved in I looked like Heidi Klum. Now I look like this.
I’m a shell of my former self.
Back to the show, KabbagePatch is whining about being left behind because her daughters are her besties and wah wah wah. She tells them all snot nosy that without them she has no one.
I don’t want to hold you back but if you leave me I’ll DIE!
Later KabbagePatch hobbles into Smooch. It seems she bought a dress for Kylie and when she got it home it was too small. Damn these kids and their growing habits! When I was a kid we weren’t allowed to grow until each older sibling out grew their clothes. And we walked to school barefoot in the snow, uphill. Both ways. Sorry about that. A little to much Emmazilla overload. Anyhoodle, KP is shocked at how fast her kids are growing. She wants more. She wants something to take care of. She claims she can’t because Meltyface has had a vasectomy. I’d say its more likely because she’s 57 and her eggs have turned to dust. KP suggest her daughters supply her with a child and as she is leaving she says “My womb aches.”
After six kids I am surprised it hasn’t fallen out.
Over at Kim’s condo, Kim is listening while Kourt whines to Khloe about Scott being a douche. Haha. Told ya. She says he just always needs attention. Khloe explains to her that she isn’t the type of person who is comforting and loving. And Kim makes this face.
Blah blah blah, can we talk about me now?
Then Khloe starts hugging on Kourt and it looks incestuous and creepy and even Kim tells them to stop making out.
Uh, that’s not even legal in Georgia. Anymore.
The girls get to looking online for things to occupy KP’s maternal instincts. And they come across a site where you can adopt/borrow a monkey to love and care for. A trainer comes with the monkey and helps or some such crap. He tells them how to care for Suzy and then he leaves.
Hey! How’d my baby picture get up there?
I would highly suggest against this idea. When I had my first Mommy urge I was married to an idiot so I decided to “borrow” a monkey from our local zoo. I did one of the keepers a few “favors” and he let me bring it home for the night. It was so cute. For about 20 seconds. Then it started screeching and so I took it out side and it threw shit at my neighbors. Hated them anyway. They were not amused and neither were the cops that they called. Bottom line, I did a “favor” for the cop and he took the monkey from hell back to the zoo and I got over my urge to mother.
Back to the show, KabbagePatch has just been ambushed by Suzy and the MonkeyBunch. She looks shocked and happy and confused. You know, like normal.
Ok which one of you got knocked up?
The girls explain to KP that this is going to be her new baby. It’s actually pretty cute. It crawls across all the K’s to get to Mama K. So much for KP’s mothering skills. The first thing she says is “Have you guys changed her diaper?” and she drops her. Well actually Suzy jumped down. The girls tell KP that changing her diaper is her job since she wanted a baby so much. Meanwhile, Suzy is on the floor desperately trying to call 911.
KP says this wasn’t what she had in mind. She wants one of her girls to have a kid so she can play with it and then give it back when it starts to smell like spoiled milk. She tells them to take it back so she can get to “work” but they scatter and leave her alone with Suzy.
Uh, that’s not legal either. In Georgia at least. Anymore.
Off to New York Khloe goes and she hooks up with Plateface again. Khloe has decided to look for a place to live there. Plateface doesn’t believe her. He says she’s up and down like a yo-yo. Wow, supportive, critical and an asshole. Sounds like most of my friends. He tells her she won’t move there. She tells us that all of her friends know her and they know she ccomes up with fabulous ideas and never follows through with them. So she’s not offended. She feels the criticism gives her ammunition.
Tell me how lame I am again. It gives me strength.
Back to KP and Suzy. KP tells us she loves being a Mom. She’s dressing Suzy. She tells us she’s been raising babies for 30 years now and so can we really blame her for wanting one around?
No but I can blame you for trying to smother her.
Suzy runs around playing and the KP deciddes its a good idea to hand her a big balloon. And Suzy promptly tries to beat her to death with it.
Not the Mama! Not the Mama!
KP tells us Suzy is like an infant and she had forgotten what it was like having a baby around. Suzy runs everywhere with KP chasing her. I’m really loving Suzy right now. She’s my favorite person on the show. Finally KP half passes out on the bed while Suzy smacks her in the head over and over.
Hey bitch, wake up. I just made ya a present in my diaper.
Back to New York Khloe is meeting with a real estate person to look for a place in her price range.The first place they look at is great. Two stories. Beautiful. Khloe loves it. Only one prob. Seems Khloe made a boo boo when she sent Miss Real Estate an email telling her how much her budget is. She meant to say $2500 per month. This apartment is $25,000.00 per month.
I have a nice cardboard box behind a dumpster that has just become available if you wish to see it.
Back to Suzy. Meltyface has inherited Suzy for the day and he’s driving her to a park. Meanwhile she’s in the backseat trying to strangle herself with the seat belt.
Get me away from this melted candle faced thing or I’ll end it now!
They play on all the kiddie things. The swings, the slide. Meltyface actually starts to enjoy the monkey he says. And he emphasizes that he’s not “into” monkeys. Really, he’s not. He would never.
You believe me don’t you?
Back to New York and Khloe is taking a look at another place. She automatically notices its not as nice as the last place. The real estate dude says “It has potential.” That means the haz mat team has almost gotten rid of all the blood that was splattered across the walls. Oh and its under ground. Khloe asks what that smell is. Real estate lady says “Oh I think they just cleaned it up.” Khloe says “That’s a clean smell?”
It smells like Bruce’s feet!
Khloe finds out that there is no stove. No bedroom. But hey she can get one of those beds that fold down from the wall. Khloe decides she’d rather live outside with the homeless dude that’s just outside her window than take this apartment.
Back at Monkey Manor, Meltyface is feeding Suzy an orange. KP comes in and actually says that Suzy looks like Kourt when she was a baby.
I will not make an OJ joke.
KP and Meltyface start discussing Khloe moving to New York and the fact that as it turns out most kids grow up and leave the house at some point. Meltyface tells her the problem is her.
Get your ass back to the basement!
KP finally agrees that maybe she is a little clingy and needs to learn to let go. Then she darts out of the house leaving Meltyface to take care of Suzy.
Meanwhile Khloe is meeting with the owner of FUBU to get his advice. She wants to make sure she’s making the right steps.
First, you make a sex tape..
Daymond tells her a bunch of stuff I don’t understand about designers and stores and then he tells her it’s time for her to start her line because people are starting to recognize Dash and the Kardashian style. Khloe’s feels less nervous and more excited about maybe moving and starting her new line.
Back at Meltyface Manor, Kourt shows up with the trainer. He’s there to take Suzy back.
There is a God!
KP tries to act all sad that Suzy is leaving but in the end she decides she’s over her Mommy urge and now she can actually sleep so yay! Back to New York Khloe takes a look at another place. This one she likes. And its more in her price range. She thinks its perfect but wants to think about it. Then she runs around shopping before flying home.
Back at Dash, Khloe and KP have a talk. Kp asks about her trip and Khloe tells her she doesn’t feel like she can talk to her about it. She doesn’t want KP to be mad that she had such a fabulous time. KP tells her that she can’t promise that she won’t get mad when Khloe has fun and leads her own life but she will try. Khloe tells her about the apartment but tells her she didn’t sign a lease. KP tells her that she wants her to be happy and that whatever she chooses to do she will always be here to support her. And again all’s right in Kardashianland.
I love you! No, I love you!
Guess what? Next week Meltyface is going to a plastic surgeon. And acting like it’s the first time lol.
Until next time lovies,